The Morning Skate for Monday, April 13th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of being an unlikely Masters champion...

• Flyers lose, and lose home ice advantage in the Battle of PA;
• Blues win, make it all the way the 6th in the West, will play the Canucks;
• Blackhawks beat the Red Wings, sweeping an end of season home and home;
• And the regular season endeth. And the Lord sayeth let thine playoff beard grow, or thine golf clubs be cleaned;
  
• Lap dance to FHF regular Boob Gainey for the Jack Todd link from today. We would say something is up Jack's ass, but that seems to be his standard these days;
• Here's your full Playoff schedule. Thursday at 7 PM, that's all you need to know. Also you gotta love that old school 8 PM Saturday night start time.
  

You mean we have to wait four days? Man we better find some lame excuses to post hot chicks or it will get boring around here. Oh and I guess we'll have some kind of playoff preview, as soon as we have our annual board meeting and group meth binge at FHF headquarters to plan it all out.

Let the hype begin

So let's just pretend last night never happened. Except TFS, who was really into it.

The Battle of Pennsylvania. Rangers-Caps: NBC's and Versus' wet dream. Canes-Devils: wake me when it's over.

And Habs-Bruins. It really isn't the Playoffs without that matchup, is it?

We Still Loath the Broons, but Tonight's About the Penguins: Game Preview and Open Thread

After seeing this picture, Panger bought a Tuxedo and booked a flight to Antarctica.

Last game of the season? Wow, has it been 90 games (including 9 exhibition) already? It seems like just yesterday the Fucking Habs were getting pasted 8-3 by Boston in Halifax. It was September 22 you say? Wow. No more time t0 look back - although I'm sure that will happen soon enough - as the Fucking Habs must win today to avoid playing the Broons in the first round. Is facing the Ovie-led Caps any better? I say yes, because frankly I'm just sick of playing Boston, and if we lose to them (I have a sneaking suspicion this is not an upset year) I'll have to join HF10 in ritual hari-kari. Yes, we're both samurai.

Anywho, me likie the bullet points as much as HF29, so let's set up this regular season finale, FHF style:

• 7:00pm EDT/ 5:00pm MDT, Bell Centre, Montreal, Quebec, Canada, The World.
• Saturday night means CBC and RDS. Although I'm not sure if the Montreal game will be available anywhere but Quebec as the CBC will probably pimp two non-playoff Southern Ontario-based teams nationwide (I'll let you figure out which), giving Don Cherry one last chance to give the Leafs a verbal blowjob.
• I'm praying the this is the last regular season game for Homer Brunet. Fucking idiot. Please wake up, Mr. Head-of-RDS-On-Air-Talent, and bring back Yvon.
• While they are still officially in Fucking Habs territory with three straight losses, it was encouraging to see them outplay Boston in the last half of the game, and not fall for Boston's goonery/bafoonery. Speaking of which, I'm now officially gay for Micheal Komisarek: all is forgiven Doom. Just wanted to share.
• Oh, and before I forget: fuck that little fucktard Lucic and that Shaved Gorilla, Chara.
• After looking like they'd be playing golf come April only a couple of months ago, the Pens have a shot (albeit slim) at 4th. They've won 3 in a row and 7 of 10, and they've got something to play for. Terrific!
• Apparently Bob is panicin...err juggling his lines tonight: Saks plays with the Hands of Stone, BGL and Stewart (do we not have a nickname for this guy yet?), Metro plays with Kovy, Tangy gets a rest and Rhino gets his ass nailed to a press box seat. TFS (tm) starts - not surprising since he loves to play the guy who went higher than him in the 2005 draft.
• Headline: Penguins Summon Satan. I haven't even read it, but I can tell you that this is a great article, just for the title. Here's praying (pun intended) he signs with the Devils in the offseason. Of course I've said that for the last 10 years.
• ZombiePleks has now gone 12 straight without seeing red. But he promises he'll turn it on in the playoffs. Peest, Pleks: It's not a switch. It's called going to the net. Look into it. Big Tits has taken up residence in this bullet, too.
• Gino Malkin has to qualify as the hottest player in the league this season, as he leads Ovie by 4 points with a game left for each. Sid the Kid gets an honourable mention for sticking up for his league-leading teammate by fighting Keith Ballard. Here's the tape. I can only assume this is from a Cats broadcast because there is no way that Ballard "cleaned Crosby's clock". (And yes, broadcasters, when your team's leading scorer gets hammered, you DO have to respond.)
• After starting out hot playing next to Sid, Bill Guerin has come back to earth like John Glenn: too old to think he'll ever go back up. MA Fleury is cold, too, giving up 4 goals a game the past couple, with a GAA well below .900 (that's bad).
• For more Pens-friendly fare, follow Rhonda's Penguin Obsession.
• No strip club tonight kids, it's Holy Saturday. Go pray to your gods.

Two quizzes for the commentators tonight: first, who would you rather play, Boston or Washington, and show your work. Second, let's get Gregory Stewart a nickname, he's earned it.

Habs Avoid Another Passover Heartbreak: x- Montreal 4 - Boston 5 (OT)

Mathieu Schneider got out of bed on Thursday morning, constipated from a full day's intake of Matza. His throbbing shoulder reminded him that the second night of Passover was not the only thing keeping him from suiting up against the Bruins.

"Agh, the Seder...", he thought to himself. "What the hell am I up against?. Koufax refused to pitch on Yom Kippur. Mel Brooks shut down Blazing Saddles for a week on Passover. Marv Albert took a night off from sado masochistic nipple biting on Rosh Hashanah. Can I really play tonight?"

The confused Jew stepped outside and decided to walk and ponder. He walked far, he climbed, higher and higher, to the top of a mountain. And he heard a voice...

GOD:"MATTY"

Schneider: God? Is that you? Is it really you God?

God: No it's Katie Kouric with a hollow voice, of course it's me! Is it really you....pff!

Schneider: God, I'm torn. So's my rotator cuff, but don't tell anyone.

God: You can't keep secrets from me Matty. I know about the shoulder. So's my rotator cuff...pff!

Schneider: I need to play. This is a contract year. I'm 39. Time's running out. Look at Jimmy Connors. He had that last great run at the US Open when he was 38 and then he just disappeared.

GOD: Don't you talk to me about Jimmy Connors Matty! Don't you dare bring that up! How can I ever forget that run. He beat Krickstein in the quarters! That handsome young Jewish boy took him to 5 sets and Connors just took his dream away! Krickstein's mother could never boast about her son after that. You know what that's like for a Jewish mother?!

Schneider: God, I NEED to play tonight and miss the Seder. I'm not Koufax, I'm not Albert. They're both better Jews. I'm, I'm just a hockey player.

God: If you suit up tonight you little pecker, you better obey the following ten, ALL OF THEM, you got that?

Schneider: I got it, promise.

GOD: K, HERE GOES. AND DON'T MESS IT UP LIKE THE LAST GUY I SPOKE TO:

1- THOU SHALL NOT FINISH EIGHTH AND MEET THE BRUINS AGAIN IN THE FIRST ROUND OF THE PLAYOFFS MAKING THIS THE MOST OVERDONE SERIES SINCE GOLDEN GIRLS WENT INTO SYNDICATION;

2- THOU SHALL NOT RELY TOO HEAVILY ON CAREY PRICE TO CARRY THE BURDEN BECAUSE IT IS APPARENT THAT CAREY PRICE IS TO THIS TEAM WHAT REALLY OLD JEWS WERE TO THEIR BRETHREN WHEN CROSSING THE DESERT IN THE EXODUS FROM EGYPT: JUST DEAD WEIGHT;

3- THOU SHALL NOT JUDGE PASQUALE MANGIOLA IN LIGHT OF HIS ALLEGIANCE TO A LESSER FOLLOWING: ST-LEONARD;

4- THOU SHALL NOT TAKE COMMANDING LEADS IN A GAME AND SIT ON THOU'S LAURELS FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE GAME ONLY TO LOSE IN OVERTIME ON A FLUKE PLAY BY RJ FUCKING UMBERGER;

5- THOU SHALL PRAY FOR THE GENTILES AT THE BELL CENTRE WHO CHOSE SIMPLE PLAN'S SONG AS THE GOAL THEME OVER THE...GAJILLION SONGS IN EXISTENCE ON THIS HEAVENLY MOSTLY JEWISH NOBEL PRIZE WINNING EARTH;

6- THOU SHALL ATTEMPT TO CONVERT JAROSLAV HALAK TO JUDAISM BY ANY MEANS POSSIBLE AS HE SEEMS TO FILL A HOLE IN THE SUCCESSFUL JEWISH EASTERN EUROPEAN YOUNG AND PREMATURELY BALDING CRUX: THIS MEANS THAT FORCED CIRCUMCISION WOULD BE DEEMED ACCEPTABLE DURING THE COURSE OF ANY HAZING RITUALS IN THE LOCKER ROOM ;

7- THOU SHALL ONLY DRINK KOSHER FOR PASSOVER ENERGY DRINK, GATES-O'JERUSALEM-RAIDS, PALESTINIAN PUNCH FLAVOR;

8- THOU SHALL NOT ASK BOB GAINEY TO DEMONSTRATE ANY EMOTION BEHIND THE BENCH DURING THE PLAYOFFS AS THIS IS AKIN TO ASKING ARIEL SHARON TO GET UP AND GET BACK TO WORK;

9- THOU SHALL NOT PAY TOO MUCH ATTENTION TO THE 100TH ANNIVERSARY WHEN WE ALL KNOW THAT IT'S THE 120TH SEASON THAT REALLY MATTERS;

10- THOU SHALL GROW PROPER PLAYOFF BEARDS ALONG WITH MATCHING PLAYOFF HASSIDIC CURLS;

NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

Schneider: Thank you God.

Schneider got to the Garden in time for the morning practice, played for the Habs, scored an important goal, and helped the team clinch a playoff spot. Then his mother called and told him he should have been a doctor.

The Morning Skate allows himself a moment of celebration on this Good Friday

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of breaking par at Augusta...

• FUCK YEAH! PLAYOFFS MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
• Okay TMS, chill out. That's fucking embarrassing. The Habs are supposed to be in the Playoffs, it's in the good book;
• In all seriousness, Habs lose 5-4 in OT and clinch a playoff spot. They were led by Dagger's two goals and The Semitic Saviour who should have been at a passover seder like TMS. From all accounts, it was a decent game and made people think we could compete in a series against Boston. You guys broke 300 comments once again, well done. Anyway, more later today;
• Rangers clinch the other final spot in the East, making Gary Bettman and NBC smile;
• Caps clinch second in the East, so Habs will get either Boston or Washington depending how Saturday night shakes out;
• The West is still messy. The Oil is out but 6 through 10 still not set;
• The next Winter Classic will be at Fenway.

OK TMS is off to the land of the 56k modems for a couple of days. Not to worry though, the land of the 56k modems is outfitted with a 42 inch HD LCD for the Saturday night finale. Roughing it is tough. Enjoy the long weekend everyone, and Happy Easter.

Maybe this bevy of supermodels in bikinis can help us get ONE STUPID LITTLE MEASLY FUCKING POINT - Bruins Game Preview and Open Thread

If they can't help us, who will?

We just don't know what to do anymore. And really, who has any confidence that the Fucking Habs can get a point tonight and clinch a playoff spot?

(...)

That's what I thought. I'm just gonna lay out the basic info here and then get out of the way to let you guys argue over whether Schneider is playing. 7 PM start in Boston. Habs have taken 1 of 5 against the B's this year. Woohoo! B's are on a 7-0-1 run at home. That's a streak dying to be broken! Sensible Bruins blog Cornelius Hardenbergh and The Hockey Adventure will be posting 5 questions answered by yours truly later in the day (I'm everywhere on the intertubes today). In return, I asked Corny for his take on tonight's matchup:

I think that the habs will still be banged up and the bruins will be trying desperately not to be. The gahden crowd will not stand for it, and by the second we'll be back to the bruins/habs games we enjoy. The bruins will either not really show up and lose closely (see: tuesday's Ottawa game) or decide to play and win by at least 3 goals.

At the very most, one fight.

Seems reasonable. Thanks for doing my work for me!

Everyone is cold for the Habs, except maybe Metro who rocked the Rangers game. I care not to look up who to watch for on the B's. I am only interested in watching Claude Julien outcoach the man who fired and replaced him.

RDS now reports Schneider was in on the morning skate and may play tonight. Really!

OK, start arguing

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, April 9th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of being kidnapped by pirates...

• Sabres win, aren't dead yet;
• For the first time ever you will hear the words Columbus in the playoffs;
• In case you missed it in the comments yesterday, Yanick Weber has been called up to rescue the PP. Ha!
  
• Nos amis over at Cycle like the Sedins are doing a clever little series called Hockey Orphan, asking the best hockey bloggers (and us) why their team should be chosen if a hockey fan suddenly needed a new team to root for. Here's our take. Bear in mind it was written when we were winning and still had some hubris.

Happy Passover everyone! Be sure to sneak into the other room during your seder tonight to watch the Habs get creamed by the Bruins.

Bunnies! Rangers 3, Habs 1

Habs lost last night. Tired, overmatched and undermanned.

But look, bunnies!

Next up: Bruins. That'll be better.

The Morning Skate is really annoyed for Wednesday, April 8th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of being gay and getting married in Vermont...

• FUCK. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. No seriously, fuck. FUCK! More later today;
• Panthers did lose however. But still, FUCK.

Fuck.

Marisa is gone, our playoff hopes aren't; New streak starts tonight - Rangers Game Preview and Open Thread

Well, our wonderful streak with a certain hot SI swimsuit model is done, but there is still business to take care of starting in New York ce soir. Business. New York. Wall Street. Wall Street, the movie. 80's greed. 80's hot SI swimsuit models. Elle. Turn back the clock to when Elle ruled the earth, the playoffs were safely clinched with a month to go, and the Rangers trotted out garbage like Mark Pavelich on the first line.

Despite all the sky is falling talk, a win by the Habs tonight clinches a playoff spot at the Rangers expense. A loss in OT and a Panthers loss clinches a playoff spot too. 3 games to get in ... who would have thunk we'd be this close to the edge? As an aside, after all the fun we've had with the Rangers and fuckheads like the Blueshirt Bulletin, dropping those loudmouth, God's-gift-to-mediocrity, ONE CUP IN 70 FUCKING YEARS, smug asshole fans and their overrated team out of the playoffs might be even better than last year's miracle on de la Montagne. Is there any neutral party out there who likes the Rangers? I think one-time commenter and Bruins fan B's fan for life said it best:

"I would hope you said they suck at life, because they do. But I try not to think too much about them, as I have no time to think about a waste of space such as the Rangers."

Jesus, even Bruins fans think they're better than you.

Drop the Rangers out of the playoffs and the whole hockey world will applaud, Habs. No Sean Avery sightings in the playoffs!

On to the points of bullet-like appearance:

• 7:00 pm from Madison Square Garden, the world's most famous non-hockey related events arena;
• Habs lost to the Sens to halt momentum, now 5-3-2 in last ten. Rangers 5-4-1 but lost last two;
• There's Rangers news out there, I'm sure, but the only one we know of is the aforementioned Blueshirt Bulletin ... and it's now basically a placeholder for a pay site called Blueshirt Bulletin +. Times are tough writing about the 6th most popular pro sports franchise in NYC, methinks;
• Hot Habs list reads much the same as the last week, Kovy/Koivu/Tanguay. Lukewarm Rangers include $300 million man Scott Gomez (9 pt in 12 games.)
• Uh, Zombiepleks? AK46? Anytime you're ready. After a hot start, Nickolai Zherdev has hit a wall. Deadline acquisition Nik Antropov started well in a Rangers uniform before the inevitable knee injury (PPP and Eyebeleaf just nodded their heads knowingly).
• Habs debating activating potential new owner Serge Savard to help out on the powerplay. Schneider is either out for the season or raring to go tonight, depending on who you want to believe. Markov is a definite out, unless he's not. No, wait, he is. Maybe. Rangers appear healthy in body, if not in mind. Sean Avery still an ass, though.
• Word is Price gets the start, if he's over the "flu". King Henrik the Slumping should get the start for the Rangers, unless NY wants to put their playoff lives in the hands of Steve Valiquette.
  
  Your post-game entertainment is either the delicious tears of the Rangers faithful or more pointless blaming of Brad May and Mikhail Grabovski for ruining our season with clean hits.