Mathieu Schneider got out of bed on Thursday morning, constipated from a full day's intake of Matza. His throbbing shoulder reminded him that the second night of Passover was not the only thing keeping him from suiting up against the Bruins.
"Agh, the Seder...", he thought to himself. "What the hell am I up against?. Koufax refused to pitch on Yom Kippur. Mel Brooks shut down Blazing Saddles for a week on Passover. Marv Albert took a night off from sado masochistic nipple biting on Rosh Hashanah. Can I really play tonight?"
The confused Jew stepped outside and decided to walk and ponder. He walked far, he climbed, higher and higher, to the top of a mountain. And he heard a voice...
Schneider: God? Is that you? Is it really you God?
God: No it's Katie Kouric with a hollow voice, of course it's me! Is it really you....pff!
Schneider: God, I'm torn. So's my rotator cuff, but don't tell anyone.
God: You can't keep secrets from me Matty. I know about the shoulder. So's my rotator cuff...pff!
Schneider: I need to play. This is a contract year. I'm 39. Time's running out. Look at Jimmy Connors. He had that last great run at the US Open when he was 38 and then he just disappeared.
GOD: Don't you talk to me about Jimmy Connors Matty! Don't you dare bring that up! How can I ever forget that run. He beat Krickstein in the quarters! That handsome young Jewish boy took him to 5 sets and Connors just took his dream away! Krickstein's mother could never boast about her son after that. You know what that's like for a Jewish mother?!
Schneider: God, I NEED to play tonight and miss the Seder. I'm not Koufax, I'm not Albert. They're both better Jews. I'm, I'm just a hockey player.
God: If you suit up tonight you little pecker, you better obey the following ten, ALL OF THEM, you got that?
Schneider: I got it, promise.
GOD: K, HERE GOES. AND DON'T MESS IT UP LIKE THE LAST GUY I SPOKE TO:
1- THOU SHALL NOT FINISH EIGHTH AND MEET THE BRUINS AGAIN IN THE FIRST ROUND OF THE PLAYOFFS MAKING THIS THE MOST OVERDONE SERIES SINCE GOLDEN GIRLS WENT INTO SYNDICATION;
2- THOU SHALL NOT RELY TOO HEAVILY ON CAREY PRICE TO CARRY THE BURDEN BECAUSE IT IS APPARENT THAT CAREY PRICE IS TO THIS TEAM WHAT REALLY OLD JEWS WERE TO THEIR BRETHREN WHEN CROSSING THE DESERT IN THE EXODUS FROM EGYPT: JUST DEAD WEIGHT;
3- THOU SHALL NOT JUDGE PASQUALE MANGIOLA IN LIGHT OF HIS ALLEGIANCE TO A LESSER FOLLOWING: ST-LEONARD;
4- THOU SHALL NOT TAKE COMMANDING LEADS IN A GAME AND SIT ON THOU'S LAURELS FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE GAME ONLY TO LOSE IN OVERTIME ON A FLUKE PLAY BY RJ FUCKING UMBERGER;
5- THOU SHALL PRAY FOR THE GENTILES AT THE BELL CENTRE WHO CHOSE SIMPLE PLAN'S SONG AS THE GOAL THEME OVER THE...GAJILLION SONGS IN EXISTENCE ON THIS HEAVENLY MOSTLY JEWISH NOBEL PRIZE WINNING EARTH;
6- THOU SHALL ATTEMPT TO CONVERT JAROSLAV HALAK TO JUDAISM BY ANY MEANS POSSIBLE AS HE SEEMS TO FILL A HOLE IN THE SUCCESSFUL JEWISH EASTERN EUROPEAN YOUNG AND PREMATURELY BALDING CRUX: THIS MEANS THAT FORCED CIRCUMCISION WOULD BE DEEMED ACCEPTABLE DURING THE COURSE OF ANY HAZING RITUALS IN THE LOCKER ROOM ;
7- THOU SHALL ONLY DRINK KOSHER FOR PASSOVER ENERGY DRINK, GATES-O'JERUSALEM-RAIDS, PALESTINIAN PUNCH FLAVOR;
8- THOU SHALL NOT ASK BOB GAINEY TO DEMONSTRATE ANY EMOTION BEHIND THE BENCH DURING THE PLAYOFFS AS THIS IS AKIN TO ASKING ARIEL SHARON TO GET UP AND GET BACK TO WORK;
9- THOU SHALL NOT PAY TOO MUCH ATTENTION TO THE 100TH ANNIVERSARY WHEN WE ALL KNOW THAT IT'S THE 120TH SEASON THAT REALLY MATTERS;
10- THOU SHALL GROW PROPER PLAYOFF BEARDS ALONG WITH MATCHING PLAYOFF HASSIDIC CURLS;
NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
Schneider: Thank you God.
Schneider got to the Garden in time for the morning practice, played for the Habs, scored an important goal, and helped the team clinch a playoff spot. Then his mother called and told him he should have been a doctor.