Friday, April 10, 2009

Habs Avoid Another Passover Heartbreak: x- Montreal 4 - Boston 5 (OT)


Mathieu Schneider got out of bed on Thursday morning, constipated from a full day's intake of Matza. His throbbing shoulder reminded him that the second night of Passover was not the only thing keeping him from suiting up against the Bruins.

"Agh, the Seder...", he thought to himself. "What the hell am I up against?. Koufax refused to pitch on Yom Kippur. Mel Brooks shut down Blazing Saddles for a week on Passover. Marv Albert took a night off from sado masochistic nipple biting on Rosh Hashanah. Can I really play tonight?"
The confused Jew stepped outside and decided to walk and ponder. He walked far, he climbed, higher and higher, to the top of a mountain. And he heard a voice...

GOD:"MATTY"

Schneider: God? Is that you? Is it really you God?

God: No it's Katie Kouric with a hollow voice, of course it's me! Is it really you....pff!

Schneider: God, I'm torn. So's my rotator cuff, but don't tell anyone.

God: You can't keep secrets from me Matty. I know about the shoulder. So's my rotator cuff...pff!

Schneider: I need to play. This is a contract year. I'm 39. Time's running out. Look at Jimmy Connors. He had that last great run at the US Open when he was 38 and then he just disappeared.

GOD: Don't you talk to me about Jimmy Connors Matty! Don't you dare bring that up! How can I ever forget that run. He beat Krickstein in the quarters! That handsome young Jewish boy took him to 5 sets and Connors just took his dream away! Krickstein's mother could never boast about her son after that. You know what that's like for a Jewish mother?!

Schneider: God, I NEED to play tonight and miss the Seder. I'm not Koufax, I'm not Albert. They're both better Jews. I'm, I'm just a hockey player.

God: If you suit up tonight you little pecker, you better obey the following ten, ALL OF THEM, you got that?

Schneider: I got it, promise.

GOD: K, HERE GOES. AND DON'T MESS IT UP LIKE THE LAST GUY I SPOKE TO:

1- THOU SHALL NOT FINISH EIGHTH AND MEET THE BRUINS AGAIN IN THE FIRST ROUND OF THE PLAYOFFS MAKING THIS THE MOST OVERDONE SERIES SINCE GOLDEN GIRLS WENT INTO SYNDICATION;

2- THOU SHALL NOT RELY TOO HEAVILY ON CAREY PRICE TO CARRY THE BURDEN BECAUSE IT IS APPARENT THAT CAREY PRICE IS TO THIS TEAM WHAT REALLY OLD JEWS WERE TO THEIR BRETHREN WHEN CROSSING THE DESERT IN THE EXODUS FROM EGYPT: JUST DEAD WEIGHT;

3- THOU SHALL NOT JUDGE PASQUALE MANGIOLA IN LIGHT OF HIS ALLEGIANCE TO A LESSER FOLLOWING: ST-LEONARD;

4- THOU SHALL NOT TAKE COMMANDING LEADS IN A GAME AND SIT ON THOU'S LAURELS FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE GAME ONLY TO LOSE IN OVERTIME ON A FLUKE PLAY BY RJ FUCKING UMBERGER;

5- THOU SHALL PRAY FOR THE GENTILES AT THE BELL CENTRE WHO CHOSE SIMPLE PLAN'S SONG AS THE GOAL THEME OVER THE...GAJILLION SONGS IN EXISTENCE ON THIS HEAVENLY MOSTLY JEWISH NOBEL PRIZE WINNING EARTH;

6- THOU SHALL ATTEMPT TO CONVERT JAROSLAV HALAK TO JUDAISM BY ANY MEANS POSSIBLE AS HE SEEMS TO FILL A HOLE IN THE SUCCESSFUL JEWISH EASTERN EUROPEAN YOUNG AND PREMATURELY BALDING CRUX: THIS MEANS THAT FORCED CIRCUMCISION WOULD BE DEEMED ACCEPTABLE DURING THE COURSE OF ANY HAZING RITUALS IN THE LOCKER ROOM ;

7- THOU SHALL ONLY DRINK KOSHER FOR PASSOVER ENERGY DRINK, GATES-O'JERUSALEM-RAIDS, PALESTINIAN PUNCH FLAVOR;

8- THOU SHALL NOT ASK BOB GAINEY TO DEMONSTRATE ANY EMOTION BEHIND THE BENCH DURING THE PLAYOFFS AS THIS IS AKIN TO ASKING ARIEL SHARON TO GET UP AND GET BACK TO WORK;

9- THOU SHALL NOT PAY TOO MUCH ATTENTION TO THE 100TH ANNIVERSARY WHEN WE ALL KNOW THAT IT'S THE 120TH SEASON THAT REALLY MATTERS;

10- THOU SHALL GROW PROPER PLAYOFF BEARDS ALONG WITH MATCHING PLAYOFF HASSIDIC CURLS;

NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

Schneider: Thank you God.

Schneider got to the Garden in time for the morning practice, played for the Habs, scored an important goal, and helped the team clinch a playoff spot. Then his mother called and told him he should have been a doctor.

22 comments:

Cornelius Hardenbergh said...

What's so great about the 120th season?

moeman said...

The Semitic Saviour shoulda been a comedian. Did you here him yukking it up at the Montreal Media's (yeah thats you RDS) expense?

Whilst here, RDS puts the RDS in NORDS. Fuckers.

lawyergirl77 said...

Fucking brilliant, HF4! Makes spending a beautiful sunny day off in the office... well, maybe not better, but how about less sucky?

Robbie said...

A fucking classic H4..a classic

Anonymous said...

Oy vey.

Geoff said...

Oy gevalt!

This goy has fucking bupkis to even compare with that brilliant post.

Word verf 'inachecc' - as in "Lucic was knocked out of the series after being hammered inachecc against the boards"

Jaybird said...

I'm really proud of our boys today. Just saw a feature on how the players built off watching Komisarek come back hitting and blocking shots in the second after Chara raped him. All the habs say the took inspiration from him and he's gonna lead us with Koivu, Schneider and Kovy big time. What a pickup by Gainer getting Schneider....genius.

Can't fuckin' wait for that series. I don't mind facing Washington or Boston...bring em on and let God sort em out.

My favourite player today (besides Dagger) is Milan Lucic. Thank you for your douchebaggery, you gave us a playoff spot! You are literally a moron who won't fight anyone you know you can't beat up...you have fun on your playdates coming with with Georges in round one you hunchback piece of shit. What goes around comes around.

Anonymous said...

@Jaybird Where did you see or read the feature?

Robbie said...

Jay, you got a little pent up anger there man...way to get it out into the open.

blaz said...

that was genius.

mazel tov.

Anonymous said...

That was lovely 4, with you around I don't miss my late mother quite so much!

Sarah said...

That was brilliant!

And here I was worried that my post comparing his miraculous Passover comeback to Moses freeing the Israelites from the land of Egypt might be construed as possibly borderline culturally offensive. Thanks for taking the heat off of me! =)

Also, that playoff beard commandment won't be a problem. He sprouts facial hair thick enough to smuggle diamonds in

chris nilan said...

can you just create a thread called "fuck right off" for the drunk folks likeme to post in?

thank you like

kevincrumbs said...

Brilliant!

I have to say that I really love being in Montreal right now. Gorgeous day with all the car flags out. Also, coming from a basketball mad town, it's nice to walk into the fancy chocolate cafe your girlfriend wanted to go into and start talking Habs w/the two girls working there.

Thank God for the Semitic Saviour!

boob gainey said...

Been online for 90 minutes on two computers waiting for tickets.

They can't even tell me my position in the queue.

Fucking incompetent idiots.

Daniel Plainview said...

my sister has all the luck in the world buying tickets and I was going to ask her to give it a try and then I remembered my 1-8 lifetime record and I shuddered and decided I'll watch from home or the bars.

Anonymous said...

Well done you slimy fuckers. I'm coming to kill each one of you. You giant cunts. You won't even see me coming.

Good job. I'm not Jewish, however I'm still a nice guy like you guys, but instead of enjoying your traditional and honourable Hebraic shit this weekend, I get to get pissed off about how Jesus got nailed to the fucking spike.

Fucking piss me off, he was a nice guy I hear too. It wasn't fair really. Fuck.

We're all in the same fucking boat anyway, and it's filled with shit and sinking fast.

Piss me off lost that OT point, want to play the craps, not the yellow gold and black giant cunt fuckers fuck. Fuckidy.

JHK

Moey said...

Brilliant post, two big thumbs up!Keep 'em coming.

Daniel Plainview said...

so its ok to still use the offensive word?

Anonymous said...

its fitting that on Easter weekend a Jew rose from the dead to save this team

moeman said...

@DP, some like to hide behind the 'Anonymous', others not so uch

Jaybird said...

@ anon

It was on sportsnet yesterday....just the post game player interviews...