Sunday, April 20, 2008

Bruins Passover Habs - Boston 5, Montreal is going to lose this series


The Great Sea parted, with Bruin players and fans amassed unmercifully on two compressed fronts. The Habs army began to march through with confidence, in praise of this great breach. And soon thereafter, the walls began their devastating descent on the trapped Canadiens, caught in a bewildered state of paralysis and confusion. If the Bruins had appeared the weaker opponent for so long a time, incapable of winning let alone scoring on this Montreal team, today they are now transformed, the better team of the series. The waves conquered the Canadiens and tumbled on them with fury.

Now, as the team is left to lick its wounds on the shores following this devastating storm, all that is left is the certainty of a seventh game and an imperative need to draw from faith. Because all that is left is faith. And it is said that Carey Price rose from the sands, where he had laid in sadness and fatigue, and climbed atop a mountain in search of guidance. As he rose to the peak, his heart swelled with hope. The skies began to change and a breeze started to blow, and a faint rumbling could now be heard all around him. Carey turned his glaring eyes towards the distance. A hollow voice called out to him. Lightning cracked the red sky open.

-Carey Price. Carey Price!!! CAREY PRICE!!!!

- Yes, God? Is that you?

-CAREY PRICE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING MAN.

- I know God, I'm not worthy.

- EIGHT GOALS IN THE LAST TWO THIRD PERIODS? YOU'RE FUCKING KILLING ME, CAREY PRICE.

- I know God, please don't be angry, I'm just tr

-ANGRY? I'M NOT ANGRY I'M FUCKING PISSED CAREY PRICE. DON'T BE ANGRY HE SAYS.

- Please God, let me explain.

-LET ME EXPLAIN, LET ME EXPLAIN, YOU SOUND LIKE A LITTLE BITCH CAREY PRICE. HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MEDAMNED MIND?

-No God, I promise I haven't. It's just been two bad third periods.

- DON'T YOU EAT A FUCKING PORK RIB AND CALL YOURSELF SHLOMO, CAREY PRICE. YOU'VE BEEN A FUCKING FISH OUT THERE. A FUCKING FISH.

FLAPPING, SUCKING FOR AIR, BOUNCING AROUND LIKE A FUCKING FISH. YOU'RE KILLING ME MAN.

-What do I do God? Help me.

-WHERE THE FUCK DO I BEGIN, CAREY PRICE! YOU WAIT TILL GAME FUCKING 7 TO SCALE THIS FUCKING MOUNTAIN FOR ADVICE? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THIS IS, COSTCO? WAIT UNTIL THE RESERVES RUN DRY THEN LOAD UP FOR A FUCKING YEAR? YOU THINK THIS IS FUCKING COSTCO, CAREY PRICE?

- No God, I swear I don't think this is Costco. I'm just desperate.

-YOU FUCKING MORON STOP SLOUCHING AND STAND BEFORE ME LIKE A FUCKING MAN! YOU'RE MAKING A FOOL OF YOURSELF.

-Sorry.

-YOU TAKE WHAT I'M GOING TO TELL YOU, CAREY PRICE, AND YOU FUCKING TAKE IT GOOD. THEY DON'T MAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE SO YOU LISTEN GOOD. YOU LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY AND THEN YOU GO OUT THERE AND FUCKING GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS.

-You bet. Tell me.

-FUCK YOU'RE SUCH A PUSSY. OK, THIS IS IT. TEN THINGS. TEN FUCKING THINGS CAUSE I DON'T THINK YOUR LITTLE ATROPHIED BRAIN COULD TAKE ANY MORE. TEN THINGS TO GO BY.



  1. THOU SHALL NOT EVER TRY A HASEK MOVE AT THE END OF THE THIRD PERIOD AND ATTEMPT TO STOP THE GAME WINNING GOAL WITH HIS BACK TO THE PLAY.

  2. THOU SHALL NOT ALLOW THE OPPONENT TO SCORE ON YOU AT WILL WHEN YOUR TEAM'S OFFENCE HAS SUDDENLY COME OUT OF IT'S FUNK AND PROVIDED YOU WITH ALL THE GOALS NEEDED TO ADVANCE TO THE NEXT ROUND.

  3. THOU SHALL NOT DROP A PUCK IN FRONT OF THE CREASE AS IF ONE WERE FEEDING A FUCKING DOLPHIN.

  4. THOU SHALL REMEMBER THAT SINCE THOU ALREADY RUINED THE PASSOVER SEDER, A BIT OF OVERTIME WOULDN'T HAVE FUCKING KILLED US.

  5. THOU SHALL NOT OPEN UP THE FIVE HOLE AS IF IT WERE AN EGYPTIAN VAGINA.

  6. THOU SHALL NOT SHAVE HIS HEAD LIKE A STUPID CHILD IN THE MIDDLE OF A PLAYOFF SERIES AND THOU SHALL NOT ALLOW OTHER TEAMMATES TO INDULGE IN SAME. YEAH SO WHAT IF THERE ARE 2 RULES HERE, THESE ARE MY FUCKING COMMANDMENTS.

  7. THOU SHALL NOT EAT ANY BREAD DURING THE PLAYOFFS. IF THOU ISN'T MAKING ANY BREAD DURING THE PLAYOFFS, THEN THOU SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO EAT ANY.

  8. THOU SHALL NOT DISPLAY PICTURES OF GARTH BROOKS ON HIS FACE MASK AND LOOK LIKE A PHILISTINE HICK.

  9. THOU SHALL NOT ALLOW COMPARISONS TO OTHER ROOKIE GOALTENDERS GET TO HIS HEAD.

  10. THOU SHALL NOT LOSE A SEVENTH GAME. CAUSE IF YOU DO, OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!

....NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

Carey began his descent, visibly moved by the experience. He trekked back to the shores where his deflated teammates had been resting after the night's collapse.

The Captain lifted himself off the ground when he saw Carey appear out in the distance. The whole team rose to their feet and watched him approach. He stopped and stood before them. "Guys, I think I have the solution".

Then the Captain spoke: "Dude, what's with the grey mohawk."

18 comments:

HabsFan29 said...

Costco, Medamned mind, Egyptian vagina. Epic, 4. Cecil B. DeMille epic.

lawyergirl77 said...

4 - that? Was FUCKING BRILLIANT!!!

Seriously - absolutely brilliant. In fact, it almost made me feel better, which is something no one has been able to do since appx. 9:40 PM last night.

Is it wrong that the thing I'm going to miss the most about the off-season (be it in two days, or farther away) is reading the words of wisdom of the FHF???? No? Okay...

And, I almost did something semi-biblical last night... I live 8 minutes away from the airport. I was going to sit in the charter terminal with a pitchfork and go APE SHIT on them. It would have been a nice catharsis, no?

moeman said...

The Lord of Posts will do battle for us. Behold his mighty glove hand.

lawyergirl77 said...

Looks like their fans weren't the only ones who went on an F-bomb tirade after last night's game:

From François Gagnon over at
[a href="http://www.cyberpresse.ca/article/20080420/CPSPORTS0101/804200471/5128/CPSPORTS01]cyberpresse.ca[/a]

"Un «Fuck!» bien gras sorti tout droit du vestiaire du Canadien avant que les journalistes aient le feu vert pour y entrer illustre à quel point le revers d'hier a fait mal et à quel point le Tricolore se réveille dans une situation précaire ce matin.

«On s'est encore fait pogner», a lancé avec raison le fougueux Steve Bégin, qui a asséné cinq des 26 mises en échec du Canadien, hier."

Ouais, les gas, vous vous êtes non seulement faites pognés, mais vous jouez comme des osties de pognés depuis le deuxième match dans cette série.

Fuck indeed...

lawyergirl77 said...

Gah, here's the [a href=http://www.cyberpresse.ca/article/20080420/CPSPORTS0101/804200471/5128/CPSPORTS01]clicky clicky[/a]. Forgot to ditch the quote marks

lawyergirl77 said...

Fuck it, apparently I'm as inept as the Habs today... Grrreat.

HabsFan29 said...

@LG - you need the quotes, it's just you have to change the [ and ] to < and >

you'll get it eventually

Katebits said...

I tried to leave this comment earlier, but it seems to have been eaten up by the internet. I'll try again, but I apologize in advance if this shows up in double.

I have long thought that the best blogs get even better in times of agonizing, hockey-inflicted emotional pain. I am so sorry for what the Habs are putting you guys through (I'm a Sabres fan, so all I can really do is shake my head in pathetic apathy), but you should take some solace in the fact that with posts like this, Four Habs Fans is poised to take over the internet, if not the entire world.

TreeBob said...

Hallelujah, Praise Thomas!! I mean God.

I have to say I love reading you guys. Excellent stuff!

Nadine said...

Guys, hiding the Kryptonite from the Broons might not go amiss either.

Slytuckles said...

Today I decided I was not too worried about game 7..
I mean, Kovalev was probably one of the worst habs on the ice in game 6, didnt have such a good game. Boston scored their final goal on Kovalev's failed attempt to get it out.

His whole career, he has tradition of coming out big after screwing up.
Most recent example is his slash on Aaron Ward in game 2 and then scoring the OT winner..

so I say look for Kovalev to be on a tear in game 7. If Koivu keeps winning the faceoffs, I think the Habs should be able to handle these Bruins pretty handily. We won't give up!

Anonymous said...

Fuck. Fuckida. I go to India for 4 days and this shit happens.

Ghandi would have taken this shit peacefully. But he was probably a Bruins fan anyway. Cunt.

But I'm not Ghandi so I'm fucking pissed off.

I'm gonna get a room at the Mandarin, drink the mini bar, and do a John Belushi on flake.

Service is good there, They'll probably find me next day and call my wife sharpish to come get the mess.

Pants,

HK Jeff

Moose said...

is it too late to pray for a passover miracle?

Geoff said...

So what you're saying is that the other Habs were down below making a statue to Ba'al? Who's Ba'al in this case? And what was the statue?

baroque said...

Very, very funny - but also a little harsh.

Carey Price didn't exactly have a defense that did him any favors in the last game - Bruins were left open as though the Habs didn't want to get cooties.

'Twill be an interesting game seven, for sure.

(Especially if Boston gets an emotional lift from Patrice Bergeron playing for the first time since his concussion early in the season.)

Jaro said...

Facking big ugly Cari, let so many goal behind is ass, his facking pants are on fire. He stink like mankey sheet, Mentreal play like sweedish porn star and Baston have no facking hackey players, they just bunch of teenager watching peep show, Baston players not even able to put it in elephant ass but facking Cari let them win.

When is stupid couch Carbonara going to ask Jaro to play. Jaro give more than 3 goals and Jaro go masturbating for two months. No facking justice in Mentreal.

Just like Kastitsyn brather, facking deep sheet spend so much time masturbating all day, then look tired during game. Jaro ear them all the time when on the road, they always in next room and yell at each other all day thing like, “I come first”, “I come quicker”, “I shoot hard”, “I play dee with pipi”, facking brathers must make luv to animals.

Then facking Beezer come tell Jaro not to worry all the time, he say Jaro’s time will come. Fak ya Beezer, Jaro come all the time, Jaro got nothing better to do then masturbate. And now facking meneger bring back Yawn Danis and Jaro can’t even play in practice. If meneger think Mentreal win da cap with Danis, he facking wrong, Danis don’t even fill is own cap.

Jaro not like Gravolski, Jaro miss Hemilton. Jaro was hero in Hemilton and now zero in Mentreal. Jaro best player ever in Hemilton and don’t even need to play. Jaro miss Hemilton, all because of facking big ugly sheet Cari.

HabsFan29 said...

@baroque - finally a voice of reason!! I loved the post so I didn't want to really tarnish it, bit Price was not really to blame here, dammit, his D collapsed in the 3rd.

matt - we are witnessing the collapse said...

Oh man, I feel a sense of hopelessness today......