The Morning Skate for Sexy Thanksgiving Friday, October 9

Bullet points on the Sexy Friday before Thanksgiving (Canadian Edition) while you think about being President and a Nobel Peace Prize winner ...

• Baseball playoffs! Dodgers, Angels, Rockies win, Yankees still evil;


• Ducks hammer Bruins, and we like it! (Cause the fucking Bruins suck!);


• So many rivalry games last night to mention ... Flames take second battle of Alberta, Wings beat Hawks in Norris showdown, Pens beat Flyers to take Patrick Division lead;


• Blues unveil statue of uber-defender and glass-shatterer Al MacInnis;


• Fucking Nebraska beats Mizzou in awesomely rain-drenched Thursday Night ESPN game (have we mentioned the ESPN Thursday Night game rules?).

Jacques bag-skated those useless pricks in the Bleu, Blanc et Rouge jerseys yesterday. To cheer them up, there's a bleu, blanc et rouge Sexy Friday up top.

I'm not doing IT, 29's not doing it, 10's not doing it and neither is Panger: Vancouver 1 Billion - Habs 1

It takes about 2 and a half hours to watch a game.

I work for a living. I get paid by the hour. It takes about an hour to write something decent. Maybe less if I'm feeling inspired. Sometimes more.

So in light of yesterday's performance here's your review.

The Habs sucked

The Morning Skate for Thursday, October 8th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of a Michael Vick reality show...

• Oy. Thank goodness we went to bed after the third goal, because that may have been unpleasant, Habs lose 7-1 to the Nucks. All talk of TFS over Luongo for the Olympic team is immediately dropped as TFS gets pulled in front of his parents. Our defence has, uh, issues. Meh. More later today, maybe;
• Yotes are 2-0! Go Yotes!
  
• Leafs get a slap on the wrist for some tampering about the Sedins.

Still 78 games to go. You can look at that two ways.

Welcome Giant Mexican Squid! - Canucks quickie game preview and open thread

So it looks like commentor "robert" was the first to coin the "Giant Mexican Squid" moniker for the top line. It ain't no "Danse à Dix" line, but it's pretty good. And if it gets us Photoshops like this, well...

So sorry about the Flames review. We're sure Panger was stuck in court (hopefully as a lawyer not a defendant) and never got to it. I had not really planned much of a preview either, because I expected you to have his review to read. We suck, I know. We'll give you your money back for this one. UPDATE! we'll take your admission fee now, Panger came through. Scroll down.

So, quickly - 10 PM EST start in Vanc. It's on TSN, let's hope Maguire is doing the early game. Nucks Misconduct is your source for all things Nucks. Price will start in his home province; JM said all other lineup changes will only be known at game time. Sneaky! Hot Habs are MOEmaN, Mara, and Pleks maybe? All of Vancouver's eyes are on the now-sucky Luongo (loved MYFO's take on it) and the Nucks 3-game losing streak to start the season. There's a jinx if I've ever heard one. Because of the late hour of the game on the East coast, your post-game adult entertainment is on channel 213 on Vidéotron (MEXCE), The Muse. "Let adult superstar Stormy Daniels become your own personal seductive muse" says the description. I hope my PVR will catch it for me, I'll be long asleep by then.

Let's hear those Dirty Mexican Mustache thoughts in the comments

The Sky is Falling: Flames 4 - Habs 3 LIVE GAME REVIEW

(Please forgive the lateness of my review. In my defence, I was exiled to Edmonton. Enjoy the redheaded goodness as a reward for your patience and ability to scroll down. Please note the attention to detail, including the Forum chair seat number.)

The Sky is falling - at least in Calgary there's a reason: their arena is very slooowly caving in. (I can't believe no one else has noticed this yet.)

Anyway, I'm tired from twice driving across the Province, so let's hit the bullet points for last's night's "deep thoughts" on the game:

• Totally agree with HF29's recap: it was an entertaining - if ultimately frustrating - game.


• Weird there were more fights than minor penalties. And no PP opportunities for Swiss Mister II. Poor Swiss, they never win.


• The good news includes that there seemed to be some semblance of a "system" being implemented. Good support of the puck carrier; quick, short passes - although the Gomez's passes right through the slot make my heart skip a beat.


• Halak was pretty good throughout and very good in spurts, but not spectacular enough to steal a point. What I`m saying is that there is no goaltending controversy.


• Well, right now.


• My Boy Chips looks like a career AHLer. Yeah, ok, I said it. He seems to finally understand that possibility and his fight in the second, where he acquitted himself quite well IMHO, might have been a sign that he understands his role in the NHL will be as a Steve Begin-type, versatile, gritty defensive player who will drop the gloves and score the occasional goal. But last night I cringed whenever he stepped on the ice. Which leads me to...


• The Habs lost this game because the Flames' 4th line destroyed theirs. I can out-skate BGL in my goalie skates, Gregory Stewart may actually have hands that are made out of a concrete-like substance, and I already talked about Chips.

OK that's enough actual hockey analysis, after the meth I'm going to go (in all likelihood) yell at the TV for the next few hours while "'enjoying" the Canucks game, while (again, in all likelihood) simultaneously cursing the Habs' failure to deal for Luongo when Clinically Insane Mike Milbury ran the Islanders.

The Game Day Skate for Wednesday, Octoer 7th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning your division after a one-game playoff...

• Well the dream of a Habs undefeated season is dead thanks to a 4-3 loss to the Flames. By all accounts it was an entertaining game, and the Habs actually had 15 shots in the 3rd trying to tie it. We would tell you what we thought, but Videotron spent the entire night fucking with our internet and cable so we really didn't see much;
• Well at least the Leafs lost, in part thanks to a Swede-on-Swede penalty shot;
• Saku scores in the Ducks' 4-3(OT) loss to the Wild;
• Flyers beat the Caps 6-5 in OT in a wild one, with Mike Richards getting a hat trick;
• We can all hate on Milan Lucic for another 3 years at least.

Your game review will be a little later on today, as Panger has some real world stuff this morning but really wanted to give you his impressions from being at the game live. We'll have some sort of preview of the Canucks game sometime before the puck drops. That's at 10 PM EST, so we've got plenty of time.

The Game Day Skate presents the Flames Game Preview and Open Thread

Oh good morning all you fine folks. I bet you didn't expect to see a game preview at this hour. Surprise! This may happen more and more this year, as TMS' school schedule often precludes "wasting time at work" by writing previews. The only downside I can see is that you are subjected to half-naked women during your breakfast. Wait, that's a downside?

Let's quickly look at what you missed while having nightmares of having to apologize to your wife on national TV. Don't give up on tits just yet; Little Tits will go to Hamilton after all, though Sportsnet reports it's just a prelude to a trade. Luongo is struggling, and is even pulled in the 'Nucks 3rd straight loss. Please schadenfreudenly enjoy the Leafs goalie issues before the first Battle of Ontario tonight. From our old buddy Weed Against Speed, you can also enjoy the greatest hockey photo ever, even if it does contain too many B's fans.

So the Habs arrive West for the first of three games I'll fall asleep during. But Calgary is somewhat special in that it is the home of our very own Panger, not to mention several commentors. Panger is headed to the game tonight, so look for him on the teevee. Of course, you don't know what Panger looks like, but you can recognize him by the way he screams every time TFS is not square to the shooter. Oh, and he's probably drunk. On with the preview!

Waiting in line details - 9 PM EST start at the Pengrowth Saddledome. I still can't remember what Pengrowth is. Game is on Sportsnet West, though that broadcast is probably blacked out in Montreal. Habs have struggled out of the gate to a 2-0-0 record, while the Flames are also 2-0-0.

Pay your cover charge to - friend of FHF Kent W who helped us out with the Squid Road Trip preview rocks all your Flames info over at Matchsticks and Gasoline. He wrote about the first two Flames games, "well, for the second straight game the Flames were handily outshot but managed to escape with a victory." Sound familiar?

Hot sexy Habs to watch - TFS, TFS, and more TFS. Although who knows if he's even starting. Another downside of previews written at 6 AM. Also, Squid (2A so far) returns "home", such as it is. Many other Habs also have 2 points, like Gionta, Moen, Gorges, and Pleks (really?).

Skanky Habs to watch - Big Tits is dead. Or at least, he has taken the zombie mantle from Pleks. So we now have ZombieTits. For some reason, that turns me on.

Hot sexy Flames to watch - Kipper has matched TFS for coming out of the gate strong, stopping 70 of 76 shots. Jay-Bo is outplaying Phaneuf, +3 to -1, though Dion has 2G already.

Skanky Flames to watch - Iginla and Jokinen only have 1 measly assist each through 2 games. Expect them to break out tonight, ugh.

Not dancing due to too many vodka Red Bulls -just pencil in "Marbyrne" (Rhinov? O'ov?) for the next month and a half. Metro is questionable too, day-to-day with "ribs" that are hopefully Memphis-style BBQ'ed. As a result, HIO reported the following lines yesterday at practice:

Squid – Gomez – Gionta
Max Pack – Pleks – ZombieTits
Gui! – Mad Max – MOEmaN
Stewie – Chips – BGL

We'll see if those hold up during the day. Also, looks like newly-called up Swiss Mister II is playing.

In the VIP room -it's early. Game 3 of 82. We'll wait a while before ranting and raving and/or freaking out over injuries [takes deep breath, meth hit].

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - I've never been to Calgary as an adult, so I've got nothing to recommend. Panger?

You've got all day to talk dirty in the comments

The Morning Skate for Monday, October 5th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of making the finals...

• In case you missed in in the comments yesterday, Rhino is out 6 weeks;
• So Swiss Mister II has been called up to "bolster" the D;
• Despite our many, many problems, Jack Todd thinks the Habs are Spunky;
• The NHLPA is so messy, six hours on the phone couldn't help;
• The Isles may be on the move. The Hamilton Islanders has a nice pathetic ring to it;
• We're trying to stretch here, because no games were played yesterday to report on.

Commence Monday morning hand-wringing now.

Do not even think about planning any sort of parade even with our 2-0 record - Habs 2 Sabres 1 (OT)

This team, is, uh, not particularly good. The man in the retro pads is. There's your Executive Summary game review. Here are some details.

Plan the parade - TFS has confidence. TFS has balls. TFS is calm, cool, and collected. He is in position, he is moving well, he is playing the puck well. With TFS between the pipes, anything is possible. The Franchise is truly Saved. Can I get a Hallelujah and an Amen from the choir?

Gionta bats one out of thin air for the OT winner. Travis Moen continues to rule. I don't recall Hal Gill being overly terrible. There was nothing else good about this game.

The sky is falling - oh, let me count the ways. Well, I think I can count to ONE, which is equivalent to the number of shots the Habs had in the third period. Benoit said something about that being JM's "style". What, holding on for dear life for 60 minutes? Not generating any sort of offense for 60 minutes? Gui! had a breakaway, and that is literally the one scoring chance I recall the entire game. Moen's goal wasn't even a scoring chance. As I wrote in the open thread, for a team that's supposedly built on speed, we seemed damned slow. Always being beaten to pucks. Standing around in our own zone. No penetration deep in the opponent's zone. This team showed absolutely nothing for 60 minutes. From what I've seen, JM's "system" consists of dumping the puck in, changing lines every 2o seconds, and playing for overtime. Fun!

Lest you think offence is our only problem, the defence is a mess too. More standing around in our own end, no communication between partners, very little hitting, and a complete inability to start a rush up ice. Seriously, I thought seriously about Breezer last night. Seriously.

Oh, and Rhino and Metro went down with injuries. At this rate, we may as well just call up Hamilton.

Chez Paree bound? - TFS has the VIP room by himself, and Moen has a seat by the stage. The rest of the team threw a couple of twenties through the door and tried to follow them, but couldn't get around the bouncer.

Next evil evil foe - Habs head West for the first of three games after my bedtime, Tuesday night in Panger country.

Let us pray for the quick healing of The Ankle Tendon - Sabres Game Preview and Open Thread

Look, there's no point beating around the bush here. The Ankle Tendon that was cut by TFS' (emotional scar much Carey?) skate leading to the loss of our best player for 4 months is a real fucking downer. As LG77 said to me privately yesterday, this is Tom Brady-esque. A disaster of epic proportions. But then South Shore Habs Fan gave us this in the comments:

The star Russian defenceman and powerplay QB is injured for 4 months on the first game of the season, and the team struggles out of the gate. They come together around February, just as the star D-man returns and starts lighting it up, and jump from 10th place to 6th in the East and into the playoffs. Once in the playoffs, the inspired play of a young goalie determined to prove that he wasn't a draft bust, combined with a surprisingly strong defence that somehow includes Hal Gill, and a handful of gritty Quebecois third-liners leads the team to their first Stanley Cup in 17 years.

Delusion? Nope - the 2008-2009 Pittsburgh Penguins.

See, anything is possible! As Monty Python sang, always look on the bright side of life. You can say (as FHF were saying in emails yesterday) that it's good this happened now, it means he can be back. Remember last year when he went out right before the playoffs? Now THAT sucked. This way, there's still time.

Of course, all bets are off if this injury means the return of Breezer.

So what are the implications of all this for tonight's game (7 PM in Buffalo, seems to be on CBC in Quebec and maybe Ottawa)? Well, Habs will have a new #1 defense pairing, in the form of The Czech Connection, Jaro 2.0 and the returning from illness Roman Hamrlik. That'll strike fear into the hearts of opposing forwards. You can also expect the call up of Yanick Weber pretty soon.

Elsewhere in the lineup, JM rewards our new favourite Hab Travis Moen with a move up to the 3rd line to play with Gui! and Mad Max. Metro will center the 4th line between two as yet unnamed wingers. Chips seems ready to play as well.

This is the opener for the Sabres. They actually dominated us last year, going 4-1-1 in the series. Any hope the Sabres have of doing something this year will center on Ryan Miller, so keep your eye on him. I guess Vanek and Roy will have some say too. We really have no clue what they did in the off-season (besides lose Jaro 2.0), so head over to Die by The Blade for all your Sabres info.

For your post-game adult entertainment, in support of Andrei, enjoy Russian Porn Tube (seriously NSFW, duh). Why do all Russian porn stars look underage?

Let's hear your prayers for Andrei in the comments