Wednesday, November 19, 2008

You Are All a Bunch of Ingrates!

Dear all of you negative sissy-pants:

You all suck! You ungrateful schlubs need to zip it and respect the overwhelming awesomeness of this year's Montreal Canadiens! All is well, all will continue to be well, and if you don't like the way that this year's squad of excellence personified is going about it's awesomeness, well, off the bandwagon with you, and don't come a crawlin' back when you see this team about to hoist the Cup. Go find some team that doesn't reek of brilliance. Ingrates! ALL IS WELL!

So you think Price is overrated, can't stop a beach ball? Suck on his 51-save awesomeness! Think that shows an inconsistency and inexperience that may haunt this team? Wrong! It is a testament to the TFS that after all the blatant cheating that resulted in goals being scored that he can repel half-a-hundred shots from the most dynamic offensive machine in hockey history, the Carolina Hurricanes, who are on pace for 1473 goals. Why, 11 of twelve goals scored by the Bruins and Leafs last week occurred during stoppages in play, the intermission, or when Price was over at the bench during timeouts! Look at the video. Only one goal was scored on our Saviour while he was in his crease, and that took three deflections and was shot by the ghost of Syl Apps.

So, you feel Rhino was embarrassed by Sergei Samsonov on his goal last night? Nay! Rhino is well aware of the referee's protection of the gifted Samsonov, face of the league and so talented the NHL passed a league rule that he must be shared equally by all teams in one-or-two year increments ... one hand laid on the Russian maestro would have resulted in a multiple game suspension to our most valued big-bashing defender. Rhino smartly avoided that catastrophe, just as he has avoided similar suspensions in almost every game he has played this year.

You complain that our own Russian master has reverted to his previous infuriating form? Nay, I say! Kovy has merely reached another plateau of excellence, and his less than otherworldly teammates have yet to attain the same level of consciousness. When they do, look out! All the seemingly useless stickhandling and blind passes will result in artistic feats of fancy so beautiful they will be awarded two goals instead of one!

Do not say a word about the limited offensive contributions of Plekanec or the Tits Brothers! You do not understand hockey enough to enjoy the subtleties of their game! You miss the defensive brilliance exhibited by these dedicated warriors, and probably misunderstood the greatness of our own Hall of Famer Bob Gainey, the greatest hockey player in the world according to legendary genius Viktor Tikhonov. Are the Tits Bros and Plekanec about to take the mantle of greatest player in the world from Gainey? You won't be around to find out, you bandwagon ingrates!

Say nothing of the scoring slumps of our French-Canadian standard bearer Gui! Gui! Gui! or the erratic play of his compatriot Alex Tanguay! Did not the great Guy Lafleur fail to live up to your overblown expectations for his first three seasons? Yet now you lionize him for his brilliance! For shame, you turncoat frontrunners! When the cheers of Gui! Gui! Gui! rain down from the rafters for our multiple Art Ross and Stanley Cup winning superstar, your treachery will not be forgotten! You are not invited to the parade(s)!

Do you doubt our great and powerful Carbo? Lament his seeming inability to steamroll the opposition? Scratch your ungrateful, cloudy heads at his line combinations, strategies, power play set-ups, and goalie rotation? You are not alone! Every coach in the league is flummoxed by the great and powerful Carbo's magic. Only the sheer evil of the NHL head office and it's corrupt officials prevents his tactical brilliance from defeating all comers!

In short, you must all walk away from the greatness of this team with your heads hanging in shame! Those who know the truth will glory in the awesomeness and magic of this, the most gifted, talent-laden, warrior-poet ensemble ever to grace a sheet of ice, and when the rapture comes, it is YOU who will feel the shame and disgrace of ever doubting Les Glorieux. The Gods who walk amongst men in that hallowed dressing room know their terrible powers will result in the ultimate victory. YOU will not be welcome at their glorious coronation!


HabsFan29 said...

my god I am crying at the awesomeness of the sarcastic brilliance

and I lost when i got to the "This message of glory brought to you by Chairman Mao" tag

[begins slow golf clap]

eyebleaf said...

Great fucking post.

lawyergirl77 said...

Stunning in its brilliance. It is Colbert-esque, especially with the "warrior poet" line.

Scary thing? I got a similar lecture today at the watercooler when I talked about how disappointed I was in the Habs/Carbo's inability to recognize the fact that his system sucks. They said, and I quote, that I don't deserve my seasons tickets, and that I'll be eating my words when the Habs won the Cup.

I told him that I sincerely hoped that I would be proven wrong and be forced to "eat my words" but that, in the interim, perhaps I could feast on some of that fabulous Kool-Aid he's been drinking.


copyranter said...

This is the third greatest work of satirical fiction in history, behind only Swift's A modest Proposal and Voltaire's Candide.

lostinleafland said...

Does Carbo have a system? If we're a defensive team, then we can't allow 48 shots.
If we're a offensive team then score some fuckin' goals?
(I know, we had 29 shots last night, but that's a rarity lately)
1-26 on the PP is brutal. The PP used to account for 30-40% of our goals. Not this year and it's killing us.
No,the sky isn't falling but there are cracks in the ice and we need to fix it.....soon.
Samsonov,,are you kidding me. fuck.

Limerick Dude said...

Just plain brilliant.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - Carbo has to give up on the dream of having Saks with 2 guys named Alex and having a Gang Bang with a pair of Tits.

It's no wonder the team looks like a skating petri dish full of chlamydia. I liked the old days when Alex Trebek hosted Chlamydia on Ice. Good times.

DOOM, please come back...

Pension Plan Puppets said...

Fuck me that's awesome. Can that be a new tag?

Habsfan10 said...

Whoa whoa whoa ... "A Modest Proposal" is satire? Time to rethink the menu for the Grey Cup tailgate.

Van Hab said...

Why stop there? Can we rewrite history while we're at it? I mean, not enough has been written about the mystical abilities of Patrick Poulin, whose impending glorious return from obscurity merits a parade of its own!

Gino Tomac said...

I really hope this positive post game analysis approach shit fucking works.

gillis said...

Well the spice girls agree

"all you need is, positivity"
-spice girls

moeman said...

Sarcassm at its finest.

Mike Milbury said...

ha ha

Anonymous said...

hear hear... (tired of bandwagon jumpers)