Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Ten Things I Hate About the Hartforlina Whalercanes - Game Preview and Open Thread

Well, now that the relief of last night's win is over, you know what this place needs?  Hate.  When was the last time we spread the hate around here?  Really?  That recently, huh?  Well, fuck it.  It's time for some more hatin'.  If you want to know what time the game is, who is hot or not, who is manning the pipes, I'd love to help you, but I'm busy pouring out some haterade for our old forgotten Adams Division enemies, the Whalers ... er, Hurricanes.  Really. 

10 Things I Hate About the Hartforlina Whalercanes

10. Cooperalls. My god, the Cooperalls. When your only fashion forward brethren are the assholes in the ORANGE jerseys, maybe it's time to rethink. At least the NHL came to its senses and banned those monstrosities.

9. Speaking of fashion forward, how does one go from the classic Whale colours of green and blue and it's variations to the current mess that is Carolina? Check out this timeline and tell me anything from Raleigh is an improvement. You can't.

8. Hey, I've got an idea! Let's trade three straight first round picks (Kyle McLaren, Jonathan Aiken, and Sergei Samsonov) to the Bruins, the team that dominates the hearts and minds of our entire target market, for Glen Wesley! He'll totally continue to put up 50 points a year NOT playing alongside Ray Bourque! Thanks for reloading the fucking Bruins for almost a decade to get your hands on a second pairing defender, you idiots.

7. Look, I get that you needed a PR boost to draw people to see hockey in Raleigh. I also understand that "Nature Boy" Ric Flair could probably declare himself King of North Carolina and the people would build him a palace made out of the skulls of his enemies, and when he bought seasons tickets you must have been ecstatic. But now Flair's damn trademarked "Whoooooo!!!" gets played after goals in waaaayyyyy more rinks than it should, and it's all your damn fault. Hearing it seven times versus the Bruins last week made me so pissed I was hoping Dusty Rhodes would come out and give virtual scoreboard Flair the bionic elbow to shut him up.

6. I've given some of the other WHA refugees grief for this before, but here it is again: Can you at least try to respect the history of your franchise? The Whalers retired Rick Ley's number 2, Gordie Howe's number 9, and John McKenzie's number 19 (which is problematic in and of itself, since rumour has it the Whalers did that solely to cater to Bruins fans who loved former Bruin McKenzie). Since you moved to Raleigh, you just decided to ignore Ley and McKenzie and issued those numbers again. At least you haven't been dumb enough to let someone take 9. Yet.

5. Made a poster boy out of Rod Brind'amour. Nothing against Brind'amour as a player or a man, but making him captain and the face of a franchise? Hard on the eyes, Whalercanes. Not fun. Glad Rod retired before the HDTV explosion or it could have been really scary.

4. Gave Brian Burke his first GM job in the NHL. Yes, it's all the fucking Whalercanes fault. This should really be higher on the list.

3. April 2006 and the 7th seeded Canadiens go up 2-0 versus the 2nd seeded Whalercanes when Justin Williams nearly blinds Saku Koivu in game 3. Habs lose their lynchpin, Montreal media goes apeshit trying to snap pics of a nearly blind Koivu in his hospital bed, Canadiens lose 4 straight and get bounced from the playoffs. Koivu, the Habs and the fragile relationship Saku had with the city were never the same. Fuck you, Justin Williams. Oh, and to add insult to injury, the fucking Whalercanes won the Cup.

2. Speaking of winning the Cup, remember the Penguins mini-dynasty of the early 90's? Yeah, well, it might have been a lot different if Hartford hadn't handed franchise icon Ron Fucking Francis, rock-hard defender Ulf Samuellson and Grant Jennings for John Cullen, Zarley Zalapski and Jeff Parker. The hockey gods were so incensed by the trade they actually ended Parker's career after only 4 games as a Whaler. Seriously, you traded a guy who finished his career with 1800 points (4th all time) for John Cullen? Cullen was a solid player, but his best years were between Kevin Stevens and Mark Recchi when a guy named Mario Lemieux was out injured. Who the fuck was scouting for you people, Reggie Houle?

1. 1980. Playoffs. Four-time defending champs the Montreal Canadiens, lead by all-world superstar (and 7 year old HF10's favourite player) Guy Lafleur sweep aside the Whalers in three games. However, most evil man in the history of the world Pat Boutette of Hartford takes out Lafleur with a knee-on-knee hit, ending Lafleur's playoff campaign and the drive for five as the demoralized champs fall to Minnesota in round two without their talisman. Lafleur never comes back to full on superstar status as nagging injuries start to pile up, leading to his messy divorce from the team a few years later. Save for a few fleeting moments, the glory of the Canadiens died that day. Pat Boutette can rot in hell.

124 comments:

hockeyzombie said...

Its the late 80's. I'm a Habs fan, my buddy is a Bruins fan. New kid on the block shows up to our road hockey game with a Whalers jersey on.

Me and my buddy tease him so bad that he cries and goes home. Only time we ever agreed on something hockey related. The Hartford Whalers... what a joke.

Chester said...

Wow and I thought Chara The Smelly Slovakian Ape could carry a grudge, Pat Boutette WTF. I didn't realize there were some many reasons to hate the Whalercanes. Thanks for the enlightenment.

Steve said...

@10 fucking brilliant, and you should put a do not be drinking liquids of any kind disclaimer before you look at the Rod photo.

And why did the Rocket never play WHL, cause he had to much CH.

soperman said...

Love the peice, but so help me if the stupid Whalercanes start calling themselves the "Whalercanes".....

bea.habs.fan said...

I didn't realize that there could be so many reasons to hate them.
I only knew of the blinding - although that is hate enough to fill any list.

got my rage on so now officially ready for tonite

RipCityHab said...

You didn't even mention their stupid 90's "disaster craze" nickname (see Avalanche, Lightning). It's not funny to name a *anything* after a terrible force that destroys your state and kills your citizens.

And for those of you fortunate enough to not have to live in the US of Pay like I do, you don't have to listen to JOHN FUCKING FORSLUND AND HIS ELF LOVER TRIPP TRACY CALL A HOCKEY GAME. I swear he's got his thumb up Tripp's ass.

Chester said...

@ Rip
Tripp Tracy ? WTF is that ? Sounds like a sidekick.

Steve said...

@Ripcity, must be a coincedence I get my H+ from Trip Tracy?

dwgs said...

Tangentially...
I came across this on Puckdaddy (so shoot me, I'm a masochist)
Bruins Fan Prom Proposal
And while the whole thing is kinda cute as well as pretty smart for a B's fan, pay special attention to 'Cornelius, season's ticket holder' at the 31 second mark of the vid...
Could it be our very own Cornelius??!!?

RipCityHab said...

@Chester, yeah - kinda like a sidekick. An annoying elf loverboy sidekick who's only allowed out of the gimp box to do color commentary.

Curtis said...

Although...

Curtis said...

Although....

http://hurricanes.nhl.com/club/page.htm?id=45923

Steve said...

@Curtis did you read any of the profiles, Ashley, "I would like to be a goalie so I could use the same pads for three periods", totally vapid.

RipCityHab said...

The Bell has hotter girls than that just walking around.

Alan said...

@Steve: a bit overboard me thinks... thanks for the mental imagery you sick bastard.

Alan said...

Oh and Williams wasn't even called for that penalty. It was the key turning point in that series and the Canes benefited from the non call by winning that game and never looking back. I don't think they quite deserve a 10 things I hate but I do enjoy them ever so much.

Bill 101 said...

*opens fridge*

hmmmmmm

koolaid or Extra Strong Bitter?

decisions decisions

Habsfan10 said...

@ Bill 101:

Extra Strong Bitter Koolaid? We've got kegs full of that stuff.

Chester said...

I'm up for Le Match ce soir. I'm going imported. Prob Hogarten ... could be a game time decision though. Can't tell from here, too much effin work.

Steve said...

I tweeted all the Habs and told them stay away from the Hartforcane Hags, their personal hygiene is very suspect.

Alain said...

Another reason:

Whalercane Eric Staal injured Andrei Markov this year, with a very questionable knee on knee hit.

I think it might be a better reason than not honouring John McKenzie. Who?

moeman said...

heh, nice list.

I'll add one, mcsplooge 'coached' them.

HabsFan29 said...

I never even knew I hated the Whalercanes until now. well done!

I miss those best of five opening round series

Steve said...

and from Moeman list Paul Holgrem, the current general manager of th PHilthies was a coach.

Habs 10 the coalation wants you to do negative ads, this morning I did not even think about the Hurricanes and now I hate them just after the Leafs.

the Maritimer said...

@29, remember when it was best of three? Steve Penney anyone...

Moey said...

Meh. So much hate around here today. I hate winter and the Bruins. I hate Quebec drivers. I hate lima beans. I hate wasps. Okay, I'm done.

HabsFan29 said...

@the M - I do indeed! that was even better. man we had some playoff wackiness back in the day. I vaguely even recall a time when the better team could choose 2-3-2 or 2-2-1-1-1 in a seven game series. or was I on crack at the time? it may have been the 80's

HabsFan29 said...

I ♥ Moey

Le Douze said...

@Maritimer - remember when winning the Cup in late May was considered a problem because it cut into golfing, not like prior more successful years when you got the job done by May 15 or so?

moeman said...

"I ♥ Moey", get in line 29 (hey that rhymes!)

TFS™ starts. Methinks once the playoff spot is bagged he'll get some rest.

McPhee said...

I fucking hate Carolina. I loved the Whalers, though. Never beat us in the playoffs. The stupid Canes we never beat in the playoffs, if I'm not mistaken.

Last night sucked. It was as depressing a win as they come. All we did was ease our negative slope. So I guess while we're not on a positive slope yet, our slope squared is now positive. Guess you got to start somewhere.

HabsFan29 said...

Last night sucked. It was as depressing a win as they come.

My god, McPhee is turning into one of us!

McPhee said...

And sorry for the rant at the beginning of last game. I thought I'd get it out on time (...before the game you pervs) but I didn't and it looked as good as a stanley cup ring on mike milbury's finger in the midst of all the witty one-liners from everyone.

There are numerous things which piss me off immensely with this organization, and thankfully most of them belong to the past.

One moronic idiocy that we have done since the dawn of the XXth century is to absolutely refuse to play our superstar rookies no matter what. Justification? Because. Be. Fucking. Cause. Lafleur was benched for three years before they "let" him score 40+ goals every year. Now we do the same thing for PFK. He should be sitting on at least 15 goals by now. All on the PP, all clutch.

Apparently they don't want to play him with CHeese Whizz because they are "at risk". At risk of what? Scoring?

Putting Hammer on the point for 90 seconds before allowing PK on the ice is almost as frustrating as that time they put BGL on the first line. For an entire series. And he never fought. Gaaaah!!

HabsFan29 said...

obviously, someone has stolen McPhee's Blogger profile and is posting as an angry Habs fan

moeman said...

So we've deduced that;

- Steve isn't me

- Steve isn't 29

Is Steve McPhee?

Bill 101 said...

noooooooooo!

re: Koolaid Drinkers Assoc.

another one bites the dust
another one bites the dust

moeman said...

For fucking movie dudes.

lawyergirl77 said...

McPhee - ((hugs))

Welcome to the dark side, my friend. You'll find that the kool-aid doesn't taste nearly as sweet once you've fallen off the wagon. Becomes very hard to ever drink it again.

But, hey, at least we have booze and meth.

moeman said...

Why does small-dicked mcsplooge always scream? I know, rhetorical.

HabsFan29 said...

let's go competence!

moeman said...

peel & kimmerly in CAR home rink? Good luck with that Habs. Word is the Canes complained to the league that thy are being singled out for penalties. eesh.

iRiRi said...

Speaking of McSplooge, he was asked about PFK's PP icetime on Melnick's show and he basically said it's cause they want to keep him fresh to face the other team's top line. Then, he called Doug Weight "Dougie" and I turned it off.

Seriously though, that reasoning kinda makes sense but it still gives Hamr too much TOI. Anywho, GYFHG!

HabsFan29 said...

Squid's falling down instead of shooting. I told you, he's not right

HabsFan29 said...

am I seeing a lot of empty red seats or do Canes fans just wear red?

moeman said...

iRiRi, you may also have heard the slimy mcsplooge say that the Bs shawn of the dead thornton is one of his good friends, he went on to defend him and lets not forget that mcsplooge has yet to call out his best friend Fuckface recchi, something he said he'd do. Zero integrity, which is why he has been and will continue to be shunned by the CH.

moeman said...

Yiketune just released by tsn; "By the river of babble on" by phlegmiller and mcsplooge

HabsFan29 said...

oh crap

moeman said...

ouCH

Orangeman said...

Has Sopel contributed to this team in any positive way? An honest question, I haven't been paying attention to him that much.

Orangeman said...

Of course the goal was just as much Gomezeses fault, but that train has sailed.

iRiRi said...

@moe - Oh, I heard him alright. Also said JM wasn't gonna win ANYTHING with his system. As opposed to everything he's won.

Moey said...

Great, now we have to play catch up.

I wonder if McSplooge had the shortest career as a head coach in the NHL. That's a fun stat, especially for someone who keeps shoving his coaching expertise down our throats.

Steve said...

@O man he is the resident hippie, thats big contribution right there. Cause you can not win without keep on keeping on.

@Mcphee, welcome back from Narnia.
Some very clever minds have been saying for months, sign PFK and TFS to a ten year contract with 72 Virgins.

HabsFan29 said...

really, crap

Steve said...

Torann beat Buffalo last night playing give chances away and let the goalie play on his head, just saying.

Our Goalie just plays on his head.

iRiRi said...

Sighhhhhh.

I'm guessing McSplooge is McSplooging all over Skinner right now?

Orangeman said...

Well, it was a good game, they gave it their all. See you guys on Saturday!

What's that? There's 2.3 periods left to play? Whatever.

Moey said...

I really don't have the stomach for trying to clinch a playoff spot in the last game of the season against the leaf. I'm getting too old for this.

bob cold formerly known as lehab said...

The Skinner's monster is going to be Skinner

iRiRi said...

In the last ten minutes, I've gone from hoping for a W to hoping for at least a point to hoping they don't get shut out. Fer chrissakes, prove me wrong.

Orangeman said...

iRiRi: I was just going to say the exact same thing. I used to believe they could come back from a 2-0 deficit. Now I believe a 3-1 win (with an EN) is a blowout. Le sigh.

Steve said...

I move my reference point back to Chernobyl season ending event.

Orangeman said...

I just shot over to tsn.ca to check out the scores and I see the headline "TSN panel tell you why they feel the Canucks are the favourite for the Cup." Wow, picking the best team in the NHL as the Cup favourites must rank as their most controversial position since declaring ice cream 'yummy'. Bob better because on that limb he's going out on.

the Maritimer said...

Sorry, had to step out for a bit.

@29, I can't remember if those two scenarios were decided by the higher placed team or the league.

@le Douze, yes indeed, when golf season starts, hockey seems to kind of fade into the background. Unless Montreal is still in it. The regular season should be about 72 games and the Cup handed out by the long weekend in May.

I'm assuming your codename and avatar are a tribute to #12, Yvan Cournoyer. He was one of my faves when I was a kid.

So, are they losing tonight?

moeman said...

Man, mcsplooge's interview(s) with the Habs must've gone really bad. Any one have a transcription or will one need to be created?

moeman said...

SQUID! is alive!

iRiRi said...

Squid!!!

Now, who was on the point there?

Orangeman said...

Whiz and PK on the PP together=goal. Huh. I'm sure we'll never see that pairing again. Unfortunately, I'm not being sarcastic.

HabsFan29 said...

Squid!

/faints

moeman said...

Can you imagine being a player and having a piece of shit like mcsplooge as your coach?

HabsFan29 said...

ugh. that hurts

moeman said...

ack

I wish I could faint like 29 does.

Orangeman said...

le sigh.

HabsFan29 said...

i wish i could really faint

iRiRi said...

Oh, damn it all to hell!

Steve said...

Thats it I am not making another comment until the playoffs.

HabsFan29 said...

kill me

iRiRi said...

I HATE THE CANES.

moeman said...

Does this hurt the leaf in any way?

Orangeman said...

Ugh, get Price out of there. Why is he starting back to back games this late in the season anyway?

iRiRi said...

PFK is hurt? Pretty sure that's grounds for getting shit-faced drunk.

moeman said...

Doubt the tsn fuckers really care about PFK!

moeman said...

Habs are lazy.

iRiRi said...

A 7-0 loss to a division rival in an important game is one of Mex's most ferocious moments? Well, if that doesn't say it all...

moeman said...

Lots of shots, none of them dangerous, most of them from too far out. amirite?

GHF377 said...

Experts, tell me we can still come back from this, right? RIGHT?
Or just another 2nd back to back game?

Habsfan10 said...

Okay, it's time to make an 11 Things I Hate About the Hartforlian Whalercanes. Fuck both these fucking teams.

Moey said...

Mr. Moey just walked in from work and got an earfull. That'll teach him not to ask how the game's going. He liked the word fucktards though.

moeman said...

@Moey, are the Habs or the canes the fucktards?

sadhabsfan said...

Carey knows the game's over.He's just practicing now.

A fortuitous bounce FFS; is that too much too ask?

Orangeman said...

I don't accept the 'they played last night' excuse. So did the Canes.

Moey said...

@moe,

The Habs. Enough already. The last two seasons they squeaked in on the last game. Is it too much to ask to put our feet up and enjoy 4 or 5 meaningless games to close out the season? Apparently it is. I'm pissed.

moeman said...

tsn foaming in the pants for the leaf to eliminate the Habs. Sick fucks.

moeman said...

J.T. mentioned TFS™ looked white, pale, tired. The shot on the bench proved that.

Habsfan10 said...

Oooh, ESPN Classic is showing a random Auburn/Georgia game from November 1994. This fucking trainwreck Habs team, or the Deep South's Oldest Rivalry? See ya, Habs.

GHF377 said...

Moeman, JT knows her stuff for sure.

moeman said...

heh, tsn shows two of the CanerWhales ugliest fucks in wesley and bitoflove.

Orangeman said...

I feel like the electricity has gone out at the dentist's office and I'm stuck lying in the chair with a clamp in my mouth waiting for the inevitable. JUST CALL THE GAME.

iRiRi said...

That's funny cause McSplooge said TFS is "absolutely not tired" and that he "knows it FOR A FACT". Hmmm.

Habsfan10 said...

BTW, 29? The new coach of your Gators is playing strong safety for Georgia on ESPN Classic. Just an FYI.

moeman said...

My dental hygienist is a breathtakingly gorgeous Asian gal. I go for four annual check ups. My gums never felt better.

Sleepy said...

Is TSN the kiss of death for the Habs?

the Maritimer said...

It's always good to have a backup team. You guys could always go see the Juniors and Louis leblanc! I'll counter with the Saint John Sea Dogs and Jomathan Huberdeau.
Good night all!

Moey said...

@iRi,

He has to be tired of having no defense in front of him.

the Maritimer said...

*JoNathon...

Moey said...

My plan B (soon to become plan A) is the Ducks, they're on next. Go Ducks.

the Maritimer said...

Fuck! Jonathan...

iRiRi said...

@Moey: Definitely. Hell, just watching this team from my couch has become exhausting.

I need to get me a backup team and the Ducks could be it.

moeman said...

PFK! on da PP!

iRiRi said...

PFK!!!

He needs to be on the PP for the whole two minutes.

Orangeman said...

Wow, Whiz + PK = Goals. Who woulda thought. I mean besides the entire universe besides JM?

LeBuuuuut said...

PFK!

iRiRi said...

It's okay. PFK will get one coming out of the box.

moeman said...

I miss McReally's non-calls.

Orangeman said...

The St. Louis Halaks lead the Wings 8-3 in the 2nd. Some guy named Matt D'Agostini got his 20th goal.

You know how many Habs have 20 goals? Gio (26), Pleks (21) and Tits (20).

moeman said...

Note taking?!

Orangeman said...

Well, I'm done. 'Night kids.

GHF377 said...

Nothing like staying up until 3:30 in the morning to get humiliated.

iRiRi said...

"It goes right off of Jeff Halpern's derriere"

They're even making saves for the opposing goalie now!

moeman said...

So FHFers, no complaining about tsn not posting a Habs game result almost instantly. They just did.

sadhabsfan said...

I may be drunk but Habs still can't score. Where is their pride? The Canes are not even a good team, they're a beatable team that the Habs did not take advantage of. Regrets are for losers. I fear the collapse. Pffagh!!

Curtis said...

So sad. Habs. Why?

Number31 said...

I was out eating meat. Totally predicted the D would shit the bed again, considering they shit the bed last night as well but just were lucky.

Pretty much every game this team played in with McIdiot calling it has ended in a terrible loss. And that crap about the Whalercanes being pissed for not getting the calls last night? Fuck those divers. There's a reason we draw a white bar on their stupid flag jersey... Don't think they got scored on with a bloody stick yesterday eh?

Whatever. A Whaler win = sorrow for the Leaf. But gotta love Brent Sopel's post-game tweet: Pissed off - no excuse.

CHunderdownunder said...

Didn't get to read the preview until after the fuckity, fucking fuck of a game. Holy shut that 10 things about rangers is fucking gold and the comments are diamond covered platinum. It put a smile on my face. Even after that fuckity, fucking, fuck of a game.