Wednesday, March 30, 2011
10 Things I Hate About the Hartforlina Whalercanes
10. Cooperalls. My god, the Cooperalls. When your only fashion forward brethren are the assholes in the ORANGE jerseys, maybe it's time to rethink. At least the NHL came to its senses and banned those monstrosities.
9. Speaking of fashion forward, how does one go from the classic Whale colours of green and blue and it's variations to the current mess that is Carolina? Check out this timeline and tell me anything from Raleigh is an improvement. You can't.
8. Hey, I've got an idea! Let's trade three straight first round picks (Kyle McLaren, Jonathan Aiken, and Sergei Samsonov) to the Bruins, the team that dominates the hearts and minds of our entire target market, for Glen Wesley! He'll totally continue to put up 50 points a year NOT playing alongside Ray Bourque! Thanks for reloading the fucking Bruins for almost a decade to get your hands on a second pairing defender, you idiots.
7. Look, I get that you needed a PR boost to draw people to see hockey in Raleigh. I also understand that "Nature Boy" Ric Flair could probably declare himself King of North Carolina and the people would build him a palace made out of the skulls of his enemies, and when he bought seasons tickets you must have been ecstatic. But now Flair's damn trademarked "Whoooooo!!!" gets played after goals in waaaayyyyy more rinks than it should, and it's all your damn fault. Hearing it seven times versus the Bruins last week made me so pissed I was hoping Dusty Rhodes would come out and give virtual scoreboard Flair the bionic elbow to shut him up.
6. I've given some of the other WHA refugees grief for this before, but here it is again: Can you at least try to respect the history of your franchise? The Whalers retired Rick Ley's number 2, Gordie Howe's number 9, and John McKenzie's number 19 (which is problematic in and of itself, since rumour has it the Whalers did that solely to cater to Bruins fans who loved former Bruin McKenzie). Since you moved to Raleigh, you just decided to ignore Ley and McKenzie and issued those numbers again. At least you haven't been dumb enough to let someone take 9. Yet.
5. Made a poster boy out of Rod Brind'amour. Nothing against Brind'amour as a player or a man, but making him captain and the face of a franchise? Hard on the eyes, Whalercanes. Not fun. Glad Rod retired before the HDTV explosion or it could have been really scary.
4. Gave Brian Burke his first GM job in the NHL. Yes, it's all the fucking Whalercanes fault. This should really be higher on the list.
3. April 2006 and the 7th seeded Canadiens go up 2-0 versus the 2nd seeded Whalercanes when Justin Williams nearly blinds Saku Koivu in game 3. Habs lose their lynchpin, Montreal media goes apeshit trying to snap pics of a nearly blind Koivu in his hospital bed, Canadiens lose 4 straight and get bounced from the playoffs. Koivu, the Habs and the fragile relationship Saku had with the city were never the same. Fuck you, Justin Williams. Oh, and to add insult to injury, the fucking Whalercanes won the Cup.
2. Speaking of winning the Cup, remember the Penguins mini-dynasty of the early 90's? Yeah, well, it might have been a lot different if Hartford hadn't handed franchise icon Ron Fucking Francis, rock-hard defender Ulf Samuellson and Grant Jennings for John Cullen, Zarley Zalapski and Jeff Parker. The hockey gods were so incensed by the trade they actually ended Parker's career after only 4 games as a Whaler. Seriously, you traded a guy who finished his career with 1800 points (4th all time) for John Cullen? Cullen was a solid player, but his best years were between Kevin Stevens and Mark Recchi when a guy named Mario Lemieux was out injured. Who the fuck was scouting for you people, Reggie Houle?
1. 1980. Playoffs. Four-time defending champs the Montreal Canadiens, lead by all-world superstar (and 7 year old HF10's favourite player) Guy Lafleur sweep aside the Whalers in three games. However, most evil man in the history of the world Pat Boutette of Hartford takes out Lafleur with a knee-on-knee hit, ending Lafleur's playoff campaign and the drive for five as the demoralized champs fall to Minnesota in round two without their talisman. Lafleur never comes back to full on superstar status as nagging injuries start to pile up, leading to his messy divorce from the team a few years later. Save for a few fleeting moments, the glory of the Canadiens died that day. Pat Boutette can rot in hell.
Posted by Habsfan10 at 12:31 PM
Tags: 10 Things I Hate, canes on ice, fear the whale, How many goddamn links are you putting in this post?