The Morning Skate for Monday, March 7th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of advancing in the Davis Cup...

• PHucktards get DESTROYED by the Rangers 7-0;
• Caps take over the Southeast division lead with a 3-2 (OT) win over the Panthers, with Semin getting the OT winner;
• Buffalo moves into 8th place in the East with a 3-2 (OT) win over the Wild;
• Devils continue to make it interesting for themselves, beat the Isles 3-2 in a SO;
• Flames solidify their playoff position and Iggy gets his 30th goal for the 10th straight year (on a penalty shot no less when he was tripped by Little Tits no less) in a 3-2 win over the Preds;\
• Man that's a lot of 3-2 games;
• Things are about to get even messier in Phoenix, if that was possible.

OK we'd say something trite like "big week ahead" but that would be pretty fucking obvious given it's March. But if you can't get up for the Bs tomorrow, well, you may need to seek medical attention.

IRIE MONtréal ~ Habs 4 - Bolts 2 ~ Game review and Open sand bar

Revered Habs performer Carey 'TFS™' Price strung together some nice wins giving up but three goals in a three game road streak. As the face and voice of our 2011 Canadiens, credit him for spreading the wealth of winning ways to his teammates. Light one up, pass it around, chill out and savour the splendour. Others, finally are. We've been forever loving him.

Stir it Up ~ Nice try refs, did bettman call or did Stamkos' mom text him?

Get Up Stand Up ~ Look Up, Gill's goal total rises from the ashes.

I Shot the Sheriff ~ But The Urologist didn't shoot on their PP but he sure did have a few shots to take at the Habs organization. Suck it in.

Lively Up Yourself ~ Skillsie is on fire, PatCHes pots two beauties. DDD encore. Merci Mr. BouCHer, I'm forever loving' Ja!cques' new system.

No Woman No Cry ~ lg'll be back boys. Bonus, tan lines.

Positive Vibration ~ 4 straight wins, 15 GF, 6 GA.

Natural Mystic ~ TFS™'s game has some serious buzz. 43 more saves. 3 goals in 3 games.

So MuCH Things to Say ~ About the solid D.

Guiltiness ~ I have some seeing Le Cave's non-Habs career collapse. Um, not really.

The Heathen ~ don said something on Crotch's Corner, I missed it, maybe I'll go to hell for it. I'll CatCH a fire!

Exodus ~ Out of Florida, comin' home to face the fucking Bruins. That VISA hockey hurts ad can go blow itself.

Jammin' ~ the front of the net, nets you goals.

Waiting in Vain ~ for IRiRi's streakin' video.

One Love/People ~ Let's get together and feel allright. Anyone else miss 29?

Uprising ~ In the standings.

Coming in from the Cold ~ Good guy Dominictrix seems to be enjoying sunny FLA. Don't want to face him in the playoffs.

Could you be Loved ~ The Fucking System™ needs some love FHFers. Its working'. I'm renaming it The CHannabis System™ cuz it makes me feel high, so high.

Buffalo Soldier(s) ~ Spliffin' Sabres beat the PHucktards to keep the leaf from buzzing. Their crash back to reality is gonna hurt.

Satisfy My Soul ~ GG is back.

~ Redemption Song ~

Oh Stamkos, yes, I rob thy
Sold it to the merchant refs
Minutes after you took a dive
From their bottomless gifts
But my glove hand was made strong
By the hand of the almighty
We forward in this goalie generation
Triumphantly!

Won't you help to CHeer
These saves of freedom?
'Cause all TFS™ ever have
Redemption saves
Redemption saves

Emancipate yourselves from System™ slavery
None but our coaCH can free our lines
Have no fear for atomic Guy Boucher
'Cause none of his stares can stop the time
How long shall our PK skill profit
While we FHFers stand aside and look? Ooh
Some say it's just a part of it
We've got to fullfil the book
Won't you help to sing OLÉ
During these wins of freedom?

'Cause all TFS™ ever have
Redemption saves
Redemption saves
Redemption saves

Emancipate yourselves from System™ slavery
None but our coaCH can free our lines
Have no fear for atomic Guy Boucher
'Cause none of his stares can stop the time
How long shall our PP lines skill profit
While we FHFers stand aside and toke? Ooh
Some say it's just a part of it
We've got to fullfil the poke
Won't iRiRi help and streak
During these wins of freedom?

'Cause all TFS™ ever has
Redemption saves
All TFS™ ever has
Redemption saves
These saves of freedom
Saves of freedom

Lego Tits dominating the state of Florida - Bolts preview and open thread

Ever since the demise of the Giant Mexican Chicken and the Giant Mexican Tits, and well, let's face it, anything with Mexican in it, we've been looking for a new decent composite nickname around here. Well for a couple of games at least, Lego Tits has a nice ring to it. A goal and an assist each against the Panthers, and developing CHemistry by the minute.

What's neat about Lego Tits is that if you look at all four lines now, there is a pair of players now who can, at any given instant, have an offensive explosion. Lego-Tits, PleXXXe-Squid, Gio-Mex (I know, I know, work with me here) and DDD-CHicken. Throw a random winger on there who will do the dirty work, and you really can't turn away from the TV for any of the lines. Any of them can score, 5 on 5 or even on the PP. I don't know if CHokula planned it this way or if he just lucked into it (I vote the latter) but whatever, if it lasts, being able to roll four lines is a key to a long playoff run (I know, I know, work with me here).

So before JM screws it all up, lets enjoy the Lego Tits era while it lasts. Maybe they can lead us to a 3-game sweep of this Southern road trip (I know, I know, work with me here). Speaking of, let's set this baby up.

Waiting in line at Legoland Billund - 7 PM puck drop from the Tampa St Pete Times Forum. On the see bee see, depending where you live. Habs have actually won 3 in a row! The Bolts have dropped their last two, moving them down to 3rd in the East, meaning if the playoffs started today they would be our opponent. Bolts have won both games this year, including the last one in Tampa when we were beaten by Cedrick Desjardins of all people.

MegaBloks - Bolts by the Bay seems to have some sort of journalistic approach to blogging. Radical!

Hot like, well, like Lego Tits - Hal Gill is on fire, scoring at a goal per game pace. Tits has 7 points over his last 5, including two game-winning goals. CHeez Whiz is getting points again. TFS of course, who has been great on this road trip. For the Bolts, not too many hot players after 2 losses. Dwayne Roloson playing some decent goal, and is expected to start.

Cold like the Lego ice planet - We seem to have to put Mex here just out of habit, though he is trying harder I think, and if he really is injured, maybe Orangeman will cut him some slack. Steve Stamkos may lead the league in goals, but has only one in his last 10 and is pointless in 3. The whole Tampa offense is sputtering, with 6 goals in their last 4 games. Jinx!

Random thought while I think of large breasts - The Bolts website features the slogan "ALL IN." WTF does that even mean? Are they begging for attendance? Are they encouraging you to gamble? Is it a vague sexual euphemism? So many questions.

Oh shit my 4-year old swallowed a Lego piece. To the hospital! - The usual for the Habs. For the Bolts, Vinny is questionable, and the Urologist is day to day.

Post-game adult entertainment -  Lego porn! God bless the internet. Possibly NSFW? There are actually Lego mcsplooge shots in there.

Quest for the Grail Continues: Habs 4, Panthers 0

Florida Panther Knight (FPK): None shall pass.

King Carey Price (TFS): What?

FPK: None shall pass!

TFS: I have no quarrel with you, good Florida Panther Knight. But I must cross this bridge and lead the Canadiens to the playoffs.

FPK: Then you shall die.

TFS: I command you, as Saviour of the Greatest Franchise in NHL History, to stand aside!

FPK: I move for no man.

TFS: So be it!

[Hal Gill goal.]

TFS: Now, stand aside, worthy adversary!

FPK: 'Tis but a scratch!

TFS: A scratch? Your arm's off! You've traded your top two defencemen!

FPK: No, I haven't! It was only Bryan McCabe and Dennis Wideman!

TFS: Well, what's that then? Bryan Allen?

FPK: I've had worse.

TFS: You liar!

FPK: Come on, you pansy!

[Andrei Kostitsyn absolutely blows one past Tomas Vokoun.]

TFS: Victory is mine!

[celebrates goal - cut off by FPK kicking him and attempting to crash crease]

FPK: Come on, then.

TFS: What?

FPK: Have at you!

TFS: You are indeed brave, Sir Florida Panther Knight, but the fight is mine!

FPK: Oh, had enough, eh?

TFS: Look, you stupid bastard. You've already pulled Tomas Vokoun and put in Scott Clemmensen! You've got no arms or offensive talent left after the trading deadline!  No one on that bench is scoring tonight!

FPK: Yes I have. We didn't trade Stephen Weiss.

TFS: Look!! Half the crowd are wearing Canadiens jerseys!!

FPK: It's just a flesh wound. [Panthers muster some offence.]

TFS: Look, stop that.

FPK: Chicken! Chicken!

TFS: Look, I'll have your leg. Right!

[David Desharnais scores Montreal's third.]

FPK: Right, I'll do you for that!

TFS: You'll what?

FPK: Come here!

TFS: What are you gonna do, bleed on me? Trade us Steve Bernier? Shoot from the red line?

FPK: I'm invincible!

TFS: You're a loony.

FPK: The Florida Panther Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then.

[Lars Eller with a beautiful tip to make it 4-0.]

FPK: All right; we'll call it a draw.

[Pacioretty and Kostitsyn ring shots off the post.]

TFS: To Tampa, to seek the Grail!

FPK: Oh, oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow bastard! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!

[Price stops a final flurry and earns his 7th shutout of the year.]

TFS: Triple low fives all around, Sir PK!

The Morning Skate for Sexy Friday, March 4th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning the "Best Whore" competition...

• We'll take that, thankyouverymuch. Habs 4, Cats 0. 7th shutout of the year for TFS. CHokula seems to have lucked into some CHemistry with Tits made of Lego. And somehow, Hal Gill scored! We'd get excited, but let's face it this was a trade deadline-depleted Panthers team. We should have won that game. At least we did. Now that's competence. More later today;
• FEAR THE LEAF PEOPLE. They beat the PHUCKTARDS no less, in Philly no less, to move to within 3 points of a playoff spot with a game in hand no less. Jebus. Good luck to all you Habs fans in the 416, it must be hell;
• The Bs move into 2nd in the East with a win over the Bolts;
• Scoreboardwatcher says boooo-urns to this 3-pointer: Canes 3, Sabres  2 (OT);
• Scoreboardwatcher likes the Rangers losing (thanks to Jose Theodore) as it puts them squarely in the 7-10 battle away from the Habs;
• Scoreboardwatcher doesn't like that the Blues couldn't do the Habs a favour - Caps 3, Blues 2 with Jason Arnott getting the winner;
• Hey look Ottawa won a game and may have buried the Thrash in the process;
• Our token West game has Taylor Hall getting into his first NHL fight in the Oil's win over the BJs;
• The NHL Wheel of Justice will land on Trevor Gillies today;
• If you want to see what GG11 was up to over the last couple of weeks, she's got some great photos over at WOTL.

First time in weeks Sexy Friday wasn't spoiled by a Thursday night loss. So you get two videos. The long form highlights after a win is first. And then last week we teased you with the Megan Fox Armani underwear commercial; the full one is out so here it is. It's ok, if you like Megan Fox in underwear. Correction: it's actually a jeans commercial. Could have fooled us. Happy Sexy Friday bitCHes!

FHF CHonsumers don't get jobbed by RIM, get yourself an iHabs2 ~ Florida Game/Product Review and Open arCHitecture thread

Steve Molson, the Bell Centre man who has sold 25 Million tickets, 100 million beers, 500 Million toastés/steamés (not as good as the original Forum version) made an appearance to introduce the latest update to the wildly popular iHabs device. After months of speculation, rumours and innuendo, the iHabs2 is now playing and looks to be yet another business and marketing hit. Marketing 101 suggests we look at the specifications, features and benefits. Start scrolling, clicking and buying (unavailable to sore Palm users, original/old Newton owners and Jim Balsillie's buddies).

CHompetition ~ The Florida Panthers, 13th (3-6-1), The playoff-bound Montréal Canadiens 6th (4-4-2).

Nitro JavasCHript! ~ Add some Rhum, scotCH, Khalua or other favourite liqueur to spice up your gametime coffee, RDS/TSN, probably pirated somewhere on the web, 7:30PM from sunny FLA, (currently 77 degrees lg in the shade).

TeCHnical SpeCHs ~ ProduCHt Manager Pierre reviews some of his favourite features ~ It has a Competent Processing Unit whiCH provides dramatic performance improvements brought to you by the dual sCHore eh2011 CHip and an update to The System™. Now with two CHameras, one front and one rear-facing so you can picture them coming and going, still needs some flash, pinCHes and zooms but results vary depending on focus. Long-lasting battery life that should get you to the playoffs. TeCH Note: might need to be reCHarged in May. Includes the DDD Accelerometer, the Squid Goal Positioning System and the Gill GyrosCHope. New Apps include GarageBanDeNiaseux, an audio recording and playback app that lets you trim and edit the anti-CHambre multi-tracked noise makers. Previous App review.

Boards of advertising ~ RIM ~ On April 1st they will try to job you with their enterprise playbook ~ Motorola Xoom ~ To the moon Honeycombers ~ Samsung ~ They'll sell, in another Galaxy, maybe ~ HP ~ Not as A1 as their sauce ~ WindozePhun67 ~ Official leaf tablet. Pee-Air mcsplooge has yet to call the iHabs2 'magical'. Bored?, looks like fun but don't try it at home.

Smart CHovers ~ The unheralded D turns on the iHabs2 when CHallenged, cleans the ice by automatically blocking shots, and doubles as a stand up bunCH of guys on 'Your Canadiens'.

Colour sCHeme on your hi-res sCHreen ~ You'd think Bleu, Blanc, Rouge but nope, available only in Black and White. (Merci GG for the perfect and colourful pad pictures).

FaceTime ~ Still no Gorjosh, Vodkov or DarCHe, FLA still has a few players left from trade deadline day but we don't know who is in their line-up but they probably did better than mcsplooge's 'losers' Habs did on 02/28.

~ Hands-on demo ~

iGYFHG!

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, March 3

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning Canada's first-ever gold medal in your sport...

• God the Pens D is terrible. Grabs gets the OT winner in a 3-2 Leaf victory. Toronto is now just 4 points out of 8th. Toronto is now 9-2-4 since the All-Star break. Ke$$elTracker says Phil scored to give him 8 goals in 8 games. Excuse us, we may throw up...;
• And we're back. Devils stay hot too, now they're only 9 points out of 8th after beating the Bolts;
• The Isles somehow managed to win a game;
• We think Chicago has jumped from 10th to 4th in the West in like a week, after they beat Calgary last night. God bless the West clusterfuck;
• Bettman says Quebec City will get a team when FHF starts mailing out the meth ice cream. Good luck with that.

Habs continue the Southern strategy with a visit to the Panthers tonight. While you wait, here's this week's get to know your Habs video. They finally got smart and put Hal Gill first. Hal thinks incest is gross, god bless him.

COMPETENCE, bitCHes! Habs 3, Thrash 1

There's been a lot of talk lately around here about this team. Yeah, it's a Habs blog so there should be I guess, though it's more fun talking about rolling up the rim to win. Lots of the hockey talk is about how we, as FHF bloggers and commentors, treat the team, coaches, and management. I thought it would go all away when Squidly77 went away and we could get back to the Timmy's vs. Starbucks debate, but it returned late last night in the form of a new commenter, one "ilikemontrealcanadiens" (hereinafter "ilike") who wrote:

"How about we look for the positives people. We're supposed to be fans not haters of this team."

Hmm, that got me thinking. Do I dive into HIO delusional love, or do I embrace what HF10 wrote last week after the Leaf loss:

"I refuse to be caught in 6th to 10th, middle-round drafting, out in the second round purgatory with that fucking stupid fool jotting shit down behind the bench as his players get fucked by the refs and trampled trying to play his useless system."

Valid point 10, and your use of expletives as nouns, verbs, and adjectives in one sentence lends true credibility your argument. But at the risk of throwing my fellow blogger under the bus, I am going to have to side with ilike here. We're fans goddammit, and we should embrace all the positives of this team. The Goat said there were no deals to be made on deadline day but he was satisfied with the team that was COMPETENT. You can't fucking beat that people, this team is COMPETENT. And I, for one, will embrace the COMPETENCE. For years (probably since Saint Patrick left) we've all said this team has needed an identity. We'll we've got it now, people, and it's COMPETENCE. And last night the COMPETENCE was on full display, and it resulted in a win! Praise Jebus!

Allowing 40 shots while only giving up one goal? COMPETENCE. Killing 7 penalties including your league-leading 11th and 12th Too Many Men penalties? COMPETENCE. Giving up your own PP's by taking penalties of your own? COMPETENCE. The slowest defense in the league keeping the shots from the outside and clearing rebounds? COMPETENCE. Mex giving up a shot on an empty goal at the side of the net to pass it back to the point? COMPETENCE. Hey, he's a passer, people, don't blame him. For the Habs to be COMPETENT, everyone has to play their role. Mex knows that.

We even had some players rise above COMPETENT last night. PatCHes, Price, and CHeez Whiz all rose above the high standard The Goat has set for this team. They should be praised, but no doubt CHokula will give them all a stern talking to. For The System to work, everyone has to play with COMPETENCE. Anything beyond that is just wasted energy. It's why CHokula seems to refuse to put PFK on the PP now. He just knows PFK will be creative with the puck and create chances no other D on this team would. JM can't have that. He demands only COMPETENCE and he will get it at any price. Or Price.

Enjoy these long-form video highlights bitCHes. They're competent.

Lawd, Mr. Goat-shay, I don't know nuthin' 'bout winnin' no Stanley Cup - Habs/Thrash Preview and Open Thread

I can't photoshop for shit, so pretend that Tara in the background looks like the Bell Centre and that the clouds in the sky look like a Habs logo and a Thrashers logo. COME HOME GG11!!! We miss you!!!!

Okay, okay, I know that the Habs are still in playoff contention, they're in sixth place, sky hasn't fallen yet etc. etc. I wasn't expecting squat in terms of trades yesterday (as usual). I know that the cupboard is basically bare in Hamilton and in terms of draft picks (having seemingly traded away most of our 2nd round picks from now until 2050). It would absolutely have been galactically stupid to mortgage the future for a present that would only have seen maringal improvements at best.

But, dammit, since when is "competent" good enough in professional sports?

Being satisfied with competence is a symptom of the complacency that has infected this team and its management. After all, why should they care? Habs Nation will continue to put butts in (increasingly expensive) seats, hoping for a repeat of last year's playoff miracle. And so, they jack up the prices 40% for playoff tickets and idiots like me continue to sign on the dotted line. To quote a person whose opinion I respect and cherish: "Go make love to yourselves, Canadiens de Montréal."

Word.

Don't get me wrong - I'm hoping for a miracle too. Hell, my fellow bloggers and I have given up what little goddamned free time we have to write for a Habs fan blog. We do this because we love this team way more than is healthy.

I sure as shit ain't doing it for the strippers or the meth that 29 keeps promising.

When I thought about the fact that the Habs were visiting Atlanta tonight, I thought of something else that was built on delusions of grandeur based on a glorified (and increasingly distant) past and worship of things that are pretty on the outside, but rotten on the inside. Much like the old South needed to get slavery spanked out of it once and for all by the Yankees, I'm worried that the only way that the Habs are going to get smacked out of this complacency is to get their own spanking and finish dead last in the NHL. Maybe then, only 21,271 fans will show up for a game...

... who the heck am I kidding? We only have to look to Leafs Nation if we want to catch a glimpse of our future. Mediocrity veering on suckitude, however heartbreaking, still their arena. The same thing would happen here. And, because I'm a weak-willed sap when it comes to this team, I'll be one of the suckers still ponying up for season tickets.

Frankly, my dear Habs, you're making it hard to give a damn.

************************

Waiting for the Yankees to show up: Game at 7:00 PM in Atlanta at the Philips Arena, home to the 3rd lowest attendance in the NHL, ahead only of the Isles and Yotes. But a hockey team in Quebec City, Winnipeg, Hamilton [insert other Canadian city here] wouldn't be viable. Riiight. Speaking of complacency...

Cousin Melanie from Atlanta: I don't want to link to another SB nation blog, so I'll link to a fellow Blogger victim: The Thrashers 411. They haven't updated their site in, like, a month. Maybe they decided to blow up their computer too after Blogger refused to fucking re-size their goddamned pictures/ate one of their posts... Not that I'm bitter, or anything.

Hot, like Vivien Leigh in that green dress (no, not that one, this one): Whoa. The Thrash have won both their meetings (home and away) against the Habs so far this year. That doesn't bode well. What also doesn't bode well? Apparently Big Tits is one of the Habs' hottest players, along with Squid. Funny - neither ever has to play on a line with Scott Gomez... Nah. Gotta be a coincidence, couldn't possibly be a sign that someone needs to have his Mexican-Alaskan ass benched or at least find his ice time reduced.

Burnt to the ground like Twelve Oaks: Who's cold? No one. No one at all. I have no idea what you're talking about. No passengers on this here bus, no siree. This team is competent. COMPETENT. *mumbling to herself* *twitching*

Casualty lists! Git yer casualty lists: DarCHe still out, along with Spacek and two key D-men whose brilliance is starting to fade into a lovely memory. If Carey Price has the flu, why isn't he in bed with a bowl of chicken noodle soup? Why is he sitting on a stool a) getting sicker and b) infecting the rest of the team??

Carried up the staircase in order to be ravished: Who knew that Atlanta was apparently known as the "Strip Club Capital of America"? Looks like Georgia Peaches really are delicious...

Feeling that tomorrow is another day? Determined to never go hungry (for a win) again? Wanting to test out your brand new flame thrower? Talk about it in the comments...

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, March 1

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of being as delusional (i.e. full of blow and porn stars) as Charlie Sheen...

• As the Goat said "There were only 16 trades today and four of them didn’t even include any NHL players. That’s not very many." Though we're not sure calling your team "competent" is a ringing endorsement. So enjoy your Habs kids, they are what they are, Mexican and all;
• The Goat's blockbuster was shoring up the goalie situation in Hamilton;
• Here's a trade roundup. The only "big" deal (and we use that term loosely) was Dustin Penner to the Kings. Maybe Jason Arnott to the Caps, but he's well past his due date. The Nucks stocked up on ex-Habs to create a 4th line, Higgins and Mad Max;
• Oh look, a TSN panel member picked the Habs as trade deadline losers. Puck Daddy gave us a B-;
• From around the Habosphere: Number31 writes my favourite sentence of the year: "So in your fat face, Randy Tieman" and All Habs accurately describes Habs fans as restless. They must have been reading squidly77's comments yesterday;
• Just two games last night, both in the West so we don't care.

OK, it's MARCH for fucks's sake. Lousy Smarch weather. That means the season is almost over! Gah! Anyway, your old-look Habs begin the stretch run tonight with the first of three games from warmer climes, in Atlanta.