Monday, July 30, 2007

Little Mikey Doesn't Go to Arbitration

Michael Ryder could have met his maker today, his money maker.

Yesterday, he was at 2.2 million as the result of the one-year deal he signed last summer and with the knowledge that a solid 06-07 campaign would allow him to leverage off internally or externally to maximize his outcome.

Today he replicated previous logic and inked an inflation derived one-year deal for 2.95 million.

The Habs' most ...ahem...prolific goal scorer of late could have attempted to make more in arbitration out of the number 30, that is the 30 goals he seems to find a way to pop in between 64-GAME SCORELESS DROUGHTS! But he avoided the following.

The Ryder Litigation Squad dubbed "Hey, Mister Arbitrator, 30 goals is 30 goals!" was gearing up for the crap slinging contest that is salary arbitration where your team magnifies every flaw of your game and makes it appear that you play like the second coming of Ron Flockhart (add bonus points for Ron Flockhart reference here).

At this juncture in our blessed lives, it would be useful to go over the procedural components that Ryder would have faced during his hearing today.

As stated in the CBA:

The parties may offer evidence of the following:

(A) the overall performance, including official statistics prepared by the League (both offensive and defensive) of the Player in the previous season or seasons;

-Mr. Arbitrator, he scored 30 goals but we lost every single game in which he scored. We want you to consider this carefully; every time Michael Ryder scores, we lose the game.

(B) the number of games played by the Player, his injuries or illnesses during the preceding seasons;

-Mr. Arbitrator, he does play 82 games a season but let's not forget, he usually gets injured in those crucial exhibitions games. That throws the team off kilter and we never seem to recover. Also, he plays with a case of uselessifnotscoringitis which doctors have deemed incurable.

(C) the length of service of the Player in the League and/or with the Club;

-Mr. Arbitrator, he gets excited when the Habs play Martin Gerber because he wonders if he'll get some free samples. He's really young.

(D) the overall contribution of the Player to the competitive success or failure of his Club in the preceding season;

- Mr. Arbitrator, we missed the playoffs because the entire team suffered from a severe case a totalus indifferencia in the last two games of the season where a win would have clinched a birth. During the 80 game incubation period of totalus indifferencia, Mr. Ryder was seen roaming around the Bell Centre, like an unleashed maniac on the loose. We strongly suspect that Mr. Ryder infected his teammates with this horrible condition. The team also produced diarrhea in record quantities last year and we think Mr. Ryder may have started that trend too.

(E) any special qualities of leadership or public appeal not inconsistent with the fulfillment of his responsibilities as a playing member of his team;

-Mr. Arbitrator, Michael sponsors a private stall at Chez Parée called the "Ryder Hard Booth" where Kovy's Kids are invited to blow off some steam.

(F) the overall performance in the previous season or seasons of any player(s) who is alleged to be comparable to the party Player whose salary is in dispute; and

- Mr. Arbitrator, we can't seem to find Ron Flockhart's stat sheets but if you happen to have them tucked away somewhere, please be our guest. Otherwise, did Emilio Estevez actually play in the NHL or was his involvement in hockey limited to that part in the movie?

(G) (1) The Compensation of any player(s) who is alleged to be comparable to the party Player, provided, however, that in applying this or any of the above subparagraphs, the Arbitrator shall not consider a player(s) to be comparable to the party Player unless a party to the arbitration has contended that the player(s) is comparable; nor shall the Arbitrator consider the Compensation or performance of a player(s) unless a party to the arbitration has contended that the player(s) is comparable.

- Mr. Arbitrator, we would like you to listen to Mr. Ryder read the last paragraph aloud. Man you're going to be in stitches, he's got, like, the craziest Newfie accent ever! We can't watch Harry Potter movies because we cringe every time he says "Albus Dumbledore". Think motivational speeches in the locker room...ok, now think 22 players collapsing in laughter.

Good for you, Mike, for preserving a warmish relationship with management even though the No hard feelings, simply business mantra would have fit quite snuggly somewhere between the lines of your new contract.

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