Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Wheeling fever, catch it!

The Habs have announced a new minor league affiliation with the Whaling Neelers Whoring Kneelers Hartford Whalers Wheeling Nailers of the ECHL. Given this new association, we felt it was our duty here at FHF to introduce you to the new club. At the outset, you should know the Nailers are also affiliated with the Penguins. But who gives a shit? No doubt the Nailers will feed the best players to the better team. And the better team is always the one who beat the other team in the most recent playoffs. Ha!

The Nailers
The Nailers, according to their website (be sure to click on "get your tickets here" on the right side), are in their 19th season of operations. History! The Nailers are named for, uh, hmmm, I have no fucking clue. We could make the obvious Nailin' Palin joke, but we'll resist. It has something to with industry, or miners, or Rona hardware stores. Or fucking.

Wheeling, West Virgina
The home town of the Nailers, according to Wikipedia had a population of over 31,000 in 2000. It was estimated that in 2009 the population is less than 29,000, so you know the city is growing economically. Wheeling is in Ohio County because it's in West Virginia. Besides Joyce DeWitt, its most famous resident is fictional character Chris in the Morning from Northern Exposure, who went on to nail Sarah Jessica Parker during season 4 of Sex and the City.

WesBanco Arena
Is the home of the Nailers, and the Upper Ohio Valley's "Premier Multipurpose Facility." In that role, they will be hosting such huge events as the "Christmas in November Arts and Crafts Show" and, uh, Nailers games. Multipurpose indeed! On the plus side, Nailers season tickets can be had for as little as $50, or the price of a beer at the Bell Centre.

The Nailers Booster Club
Sporting the most professional website available from GeoCities in 1999, the booster club says that the most important thing they provide to the team is "friendship." Their annual summer Steak Fry is the highlight of the Wheeling social calendar every year. Here's a photo we found of the booster club reacting to the news of the new affiliation with the Habs, from their photo page*:


Nailers fever. Catch it!

*In response to a particularly nasty copyright notice on the bottom of that page, as a lawyer I am forced to write the following disclaimer: screw you.

17 comments:

soperman said...

who the phuck phries steaks?

Qless said...

Forget Sarah Jessica Parker, Chris is nailin' Bo Derek in real life! I don't care how old she is. He is a god in my book...

Habsfan10 said...

How this doesn't warrant the "We're gonna get sued" tag, I'll never know. Joyce DeWitt is gonna be PISSED.

GoldenGirl11 said...

@10
Given that THISpicture is on the web I'm sure Joyce would love ours.

soperman said...

Holy Crap! JDW is a crack ho!

Cassie said...

As someone who currently resides in Virginia, but has lived near the border of Canada, you can't even imagine the culture shock that's going to happen to those poor guys in West Virginia.

GoldenGirl11 said...

Carey hasn't signed because he's been busy out on the rodeo circuit this summer. He's pretty good. Apparently he's very sharp the first 58 times out of the gate but the last two calves always seem to end up under the legs of his horse. I guess that would be the ten hole.

Kmaxx said...

Quick - let's get one of you guys heading up the Steak Fry Committee - the role is currently vacant - maybe Soperman could take it on? Then the Nailers could be educated that you never put a good steak on anything but a busted eye (a la Fred Flinstone) or a flaming BBQ.

Anonymous said...

i've been to wheeling, wv. stayed overnight there after a concert in PA. the waitress at the hotel breakfast was blown away that (at the time) i was attending college. it's an unheard of concept in her neck of the woods.

let your imagination run completely wild about the most backwoods inbred middle america place on the map, combine it with gross exaggerated versions of every stereotype about the people you can think of, and then mix-in the effect of inhaling oil industry chemicals throughout the infant and formative years of your life -- that my friends, is only the junior varsity version of wheeling wv.

GoldenGirl11 said...

@29
See? We shoulda gone with my original idea of a brother/husband and sister/wife preparing the fried steaks at the friendship picnic.

lawyergirl77 said...

Pissing myself over that link and it's ridiculous copyright disclaimer. Seriously - where do you guys find this shit??

That being said, Buttfuck, Nowhere LLP of Wheeling is so going to be sending you a c&d in the next few days. You know what your legal obligations will be at that time: POOOOSTTTTT EEEEEET!!

Habsfan10 said...

"let your imagination run completely wild about the most backwoods inbred middle america place on the map, combine it with gross exaggerated versions of every stereotype about the people you can think of, and then mix-in the effect of inhaling oil industry chemicals throughout the infant and formative years of your life -- that my friends, is only the junior varsity version of wheeling wv."

Fucking FHF road trip, everybody!!

Number31 said...

Oh Turco...

"The opportunity you guys have given my family and me to come here and play for the Chicago Blackfucks--BLACKHAWKS *ahem*"

Mr. natural said...

@anonymous and HF10, there are places in the south that make the stereotypes in the movies seem understated, that is a factual statement.

> Had to leave a bar because I was dressed business casual and the guys that hastened my exit were wearing overalls.
> Had a gas station attendant lock the door as I approached to ask directions, he was a 18 year old African American and I am a middle aged white guy, he spoke to me through the crack in the door until he could see I had no buddies waiting to ambush him.
> Three generations of the same family playing together at one of those machines at the mall with the claw that grabs you a "prize".

Too many others to mention here in my drunken state, La Verita on Salaberry off Sources, pretty good Italian fare..

What the PHuck is wrong with me this week, I'm semi-coherent.

only three more dodos....

"THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC"

Anonymous said...

@mrnatural - one of my other favorite southern moments is when i couldnt find any evian or naya, or even dasani or aquafina in arkansas. all they had stocked were bottles of water with willie nelson's face on it. nothing says refreshing like your stoned and bearded grandpa.

that said how could you not love the charm of dueling pianos and a full bar singalong to a song called 'there are 18 wheels on a big rig'. seriously, google the lyrics. all they do is count the number of tires (from 1 to 18, then 18 to 1, over and over). and many people get stumped. best drinking song ever.

Le Douze said...

So Auntie Neemie is worth $2 million. What does that make Carey worth?

What I really want to know is how folks are going to keep the San Jose goalies straight. I was already confused about which Finnish "Antie N" goalie was which when they were playing half a continent apart.

I wonder if the Goat was after Niemi too? Guess it would have cost him more than $2m to get him, though...

Habsfan1993 said...

Don't diss the small southern towns. Would you rather have the NHL put an expansion team there instead?

I live in Roanoke, VA. I truly wish they'd bring back an ECHL team, like when we had the Express.

And y'all can come stay at my place on your way back up north after your road trip to Wheeling. It's a bit of a detour, but you can't beat the views from my mountaintop home...