Sunday, January 18, 2009

E.T.: Extra Time - TWO FOR ONE MOVIE AND GAME REVIEW by Jaroslav Halak



The game

Thees jast great game for me but teem pley like crep. But all hole game I look at Otawa and they make me sad in my heart. Like if my heart have litel eyes and litel heart teers come out of eyes in my heart and I cry inside. Otawa you so diferent now! Before, last yeer, I go to Otawa and have very soft poo in my ass becase so nervous otawa so good! Otawa you before like King Kong of hackey and stupide teem like Mentreal like Empire Building and you climb all on us teem I cry on bus every time to Otawa becase I know Otawa you Kong and me litel great Jaro like butterfly with eating deesorder.

But Otawa, you change! You no Kong! You like alien, like agly alien in the space outside from the planet of erth! Hahahahahaha! Otawa so like alien.

You have Elliott in teem! And he like bicicle. And he so young and stupide. And you have big guy with long neck! He always say to pleyer on his line "Heatley phone home". And everybady on teem eat peeces of reeses! Otawa like alien teem! From the space!

Mentreal so bad teem to pley I had big dreeem. I lose tooth in last game and make pray to be trade to fentestic teem Toumpa for Mentreal receeve agly Vinnie. When i wake up in room I feel all disgasting saliva on my face like 20 guys kiss me on mouth! Gross! (I wake up with my penis that go down to my pads again - it heppens every time!) But no trade for now and I still share jab with clown Cari who alweys say "Hey Jaro, I feel good, I pley tomorro!" And I laf becase Cari so clown! This is my teem now Cari and I hate Mentreal becase its asshole teem but its my asshole!

....

Otawa you pley like lost alien that crash to Otawa. You have so bad lack Otawa! You crash in city so boring and sleep city! You have big space wessel and you crash in Otawa and make so mistake! If you crash a bit more away you crash in Hemilton most great city and beeautiful in world! Home!!!

i make fentestic saves against alien Otawa even when Mentreal wining 4-2 in third periood and i hev to pley good to win for teeem. But Otawa make treeks to me and score 2 gols! Ha! So you score alien gols Otawa and you think you win game? I pley like genious in extratime and shootout and Otawa go back to the wessel.

The movie

E.T. My favorite movie with beautifoul Dru Barymorore. She look so old when she 4 I want to marry to her!

Eliott he so scare to see the ET he give him beeer to make him relax and dress sim in costume of girl so ET can be soft like woman. Eliott so smart in movie! He so brave to when he let all frogs go out of can! Eliottt you are Schindler of frogs!!!! This is other Speilberg movie soon.

But Eliott brather and Mom so scare of ET becase he have so bad breath and Eliott mom tell Eliott to brash teeth every night. Also he want to phone home all time and Eliott Mom say, "look ET this is 1982, we no have cell phone! so you cant just call home!" Poor ET! He not know what to do!

So Eliott say 'hey! lets fly bicycle across moon to make poster for movie!" And ET jump up and down and so happy! Then CIA come and want take ET to make ET soup but Eliott protect ET and take him to forrest to go back home becase alien friend is a bit boring all the time. ET show Eliottt treeek with finger that glow and Eliiot think "this is so good idea! i can invent pen that have red light that go out of it and point at people in movie and at women boob in bar and have lats of sex!". Then ET go home and everybady cry in movie.

Wow, so good movie.

15 comments:

gillis said...

The first paragraph was the best Jaro I've ever read.

Anybody have an update on clown Cari? Is he going to be at the ASG?

Are alien gols worth the same as humnan goals?

moeman said...

Wow, so good psot.

Moey said...

The funniest part is I can actually picture him saying these things. Poor Jaro, he always looks the the outsider.

HabsFan29 said...

And everybady on teem eat peeces of reeses! Otawa like alien teem! From the space!

if only i could see what im typing for the tears in my eyes

moeman said...

Whilst we wait for TFS™

Senators Lost Cojones said...

Fackin' Jaro...GO BACK TO GERMANIA!!

J.T. said...

Fack, Jaro! You brilliant golie!

gillis said...

JR has a blog?

les_glorieux said...

Speaking of TFS, I am SO GLAD he got rid of fucking Garth Brooks. Jesus that was embarrassing.

les_glorieux said...

CAREY IS BACK!

http://habsinsideout.com/main/14038

kc said...

epic read,
ET was my favourite movie until one time i watched it and the CIA scene scared the crap out of me, haven't watched it since

The habs' goalies make my life.

Anonymous said...

''This is my teem now Cari and I hate Mentreal becase its asshole teem but its my asshole!''

I hear you Jaro. I used to feel the same during the Houle era.

The Gate To The Groin For Yannick Bertrand said...

Consider this my vote for Halak to review every game from this point forward, even (especially) when clown Cari returns

CVennasty said...

Simply brilliant

Carcillo13 said...

Personally, I would really like to read Jaro's take on Clown Cari's performance last night against the Panthers... While watching the game, all I could think was "oh Cari, you so whale..." & I love Cari... I really do...