Sunday, October 12, 2008

I Want to be Traded to Great Teem Leafs

I so tired. What game Toronto play to me. So hard. I swet in my toes and anus. Coach Carbonner make me pley game becase stupide Cari Price pley like exploding wale that has GPS inside hole to blow but GPS not turn on so wale swimming in circles. Stoopide Fat Cari wale make only 4 saves in game against fentestic strong Buffalo teem and then in shootout Buffalo player make goal twice time on same move with Cari the wale. Oh Cari, you so wale, it's like if you watch sad movie and beautiful man die at the end and you cry like girl, then you rewind the end of the movie and beautiful man die and you cry again. Stoopide wale Cari you never lern.

Toronto so good teem, they ween Stenley Cap this year. Everybady pley hard not like poussy Mentreal teem. No Coach! I don't pley My neils are drying. No coach I have new Beverly 29080 on PVR I want to watch! This is wat Kepten supose to say? He do 2 shifts then look at computer in undress room to see wat he call his wall street. Wat is that? OK OK Saku, when you finish I look at my celing street, and Fat Cari look at his basement street.

Toronto pley like five guys who love play together. If I pley on Toronto teem I play hard with my teem, I would dance with my teem and sing with my teem. I just want to dance. Stupide refereee make game so difficult for Toronto teem and always give power pley to Mantreal and Mantreal always score becase so easy to make score when you have more people on ice then other teeem. Oh good for you Meantreal! You win wimbledon final becase you play alone and nobody in other side of net! So Mentreal make 3 alone Wimbledon goals and put champagne everywhere in room becase they win Toronto. So sad.

Stupide reffereee dont know what penalty is and give so much to Toronto. I look at referreee and no understand why he give himself a name to explain he separate from wife. Divorcesky. This is so private! Why tell all arena and world that watch on tv! Ok, so now that my beautiful blond girlfriend ask police to put me in preeson if I call her again, now I change my name to Trialseparationsky. Stupide refffereeee. Ok beck to game.

Toronto prabably most best city in world. They have greet teem. Last night they hit hard and make Portugeese rice poooding with Cenedien team. After game, every Mantreal pleyer went to hospital because Toronto teem pley so hard. I stay with Toronto teem and celebrete great game and Mantreal embarasment. How can yoou be so embarasss teem for 100 years! Shame you Meantreal for not closing teem after 6 years when you know you so embarasss! But no, you stay open 94 more yeers! For wat! To be embarasss so much and meke Toronto loook like real chempion?

Mantreal not win if Jaro not pley and even when win, other teem still fentestic and Cari still wale who cry at movie. This why my best friend Mikel Grabvovoski go to Toronto. For new life. New women. New sex disease. New accident pregnancy. The best life. Now Grabskisiy call me and say how happy he is and that he pley on teem top line! Mentreal too good for Grabsbbisy, not let pley but he can go to top line in Toronto. Yes Mister Gainey, one plus one equals two, yes continue thinking this.

I go now. I know coch Carbonner want me to play all games now becase Cari pley like centipede with only 6 legs. I know coch want me to bring Cap to Mentreal. But I cant. Becase GM will make me happy and trade me to reeal teem Toronto or ask me to pley in Hemilton again where competition is stronger and pleyers can get drunk during game and drive teem bus after.

I want to be a Leaf of Mapel. Or a bus driver. Or see my love, Restrainingordersky, again.


Anonymous said...


StlBlues67 said...

"I just want to dance."

Don't we all, Jaro. Don't we all.

wrap around curl said...

Ok this totally made my morning.

My neighbor woke me up for some lame reason. I don't even know what he was saying, I was a zombie answering the door.

But then I get to read about wanting to be a Leaf of Mapel.

panger76 said...

HF4, I have to admit I understood only about half of that, but it's all hilarious (even the stuff I don't understand).

Trialseparationsky is my new favorite ref. That is how good the post was: I am now a fan of a referee. Well done.

@wraparound curl: did your neighbour at least offer you $12?

wrap around curl said...


He was all like "we are going to be smoking some fish so let us know if it gets to be too much."

And I was like "what in the fuck are you talking about?" And closed the door.

Montréaliste1 said...

Am I the only one that is not able watch Halak's post game comments without thinking of this blog ans laughing my ass off?

moeman said...

This post is the heh.

Go pants!

baroque said...

Ah, the odd ways in which players become cult figures. :)

I LOVE Jaro's posts.

J.T. said...

At last, teem know who boss. Jaro speek, fan leesen. Fan love Jaro because he say truth.

Michael said...

better than free porn, cheaper than a Winterpeg Crack whore its habs4 to the rescue.

cottoneye said...

I'll soooo be using that 'whale swimming in circles because of a GPS not turned on in its blow-hole' metaphor in real life.

Awesome post.

lawyergirl77 said...

This post is making me less depressed to take the plane home tomorrow morning! (an impressive feat, believe me... i shudder in fear when I think of my inbox at work)

Well done HF4!!