Friday, June 18, 2010

This is My Bird Called a Song Sing by Swan


Helo, Mentreal.

I sad today. 3 week ago, I pley my last game in Cenedien joursie. I take Cenedien teem to canference finals for first time since 1993.

1993, what a year of crazy time. Cenedien teem win last Cup and year of dissolution of Czecolslovakia, where my home Slovakia and husband Czech republic file for Velvet Divorce.

Today, Mentreal, Cenediens file for another divorce, the divorce from me Jaro. Cari the fat wale now become big big goalie. Cari the fat wale is so fat I call him cupcake when I no call him wale. Sometime I call him fat cupcake wale. One day I call him Cari fat wale cupcake. I even call him fat Cari fat wale fat Cari wale cupcake.

I think Cari tell Pierre Go-tyay! listen Pierre, I always be called names by Jaro. He call me cupcake and wale and it make me cry from tears to my eyes. I no understand Pierre. I hate cupcakes. I hate cupcakes like Indiana Jones hates snakes. I want Jaro go now.

Cari want to stey in Mentreal and put big red Cenedien jersey. Cari make the divorce.

1993 was the Velvet Divorce. Today fat cupcake wale Cari make the Red Velvet Divorce.

I dont know Mentreal wat more I supose to make on ice for Mentreal teem to sey, oh Jaro you my favorite animal. I pley Olivechkin, he say I shake, I shake his hand 2 week later then he go score gols in internashional tournament in small arena in Bern. I pley Crosboosbie, everybady sey he best pleyer in planet of world of erth, and 2 week later he tell me he cant pley hockey anymore and he want to sell itubes on internet to sell contraband tubes of falopian for women who want more tubes. Great idea Crosboosbie!!!

Then i pley Filadelfia cream teem, where it all began, but teem no want to do important thing to do wen pley big haockey games in pleyofs; put gols behind the ass of other golie in other teem! I think Mike Camelarry sey to teem "ok teem, we win this series but best way to do it is no score any gols for 3 games ok? Who's with me teeem? On 3!: one, two, three!!!"

Ok listen Camelto, plan not work too good well. Cupcake stay on bench for 5 more games making more fat in his wale ass, teem no score one gol for 3 games and we lose series like Czecolslovakia lose half it's letters in 1993.

3 weeks later, teem look at me and sey, hey Jaro, bye Jaro. Good luck Mentreal with your Eler Meller and Ian Miller Big Fat Name sound like german Shultz. I not no if these pleyers no how to skate without training blades (yes, you know the litel blades they but on two sides of your litle skate when you are litel Jaro baby so you no fall on litel Jaro ass on lake near Bratislava!). You see, Eller and Shultz, when Go-tyay! remove the training blades, hold on to big fat Cari's boobs!

Now, I go to Louis Blue. City with so funy name! Oh Louis, you not very blue! Ok, I from Bratislava Green! But Bratislava green not possible because Bratislava no recycle anything but yogurt.

My best frend and agent Alloun Walsh tell me Jaro we going to take over NHL and every boy will have litel Jaro head of bobles and make me look like my head have pooopilepsie like Kastoutsyn. Alloun tell me we go to judge judy arbitration and we can sey to judy, "Hey Judy! I'm Jaro! Give me maney!" And Judy give me billions of dolars and big boat. Walsh sey Jaro so powerful now we make peace in middle of east and we rename city Jaroshalayim. Jaro will be on box of Jaro cereals with Cari and commercials that sey "Silly, wale, Jaros are for golies!"

I number 1 in Louis Blue. No more fat Cari, no more crazy Mentreal, no more talking to you here my friends. Wat crazy stories we sey to each other! We became good friends Mentreal, we will always have Paris.

Thank you for reading and for making Jaro one the most pleasant experiences of my life.

Goodbye, Mentreal.

32 comments:

bea.habs.fan said...

tears coursing down my face (equal mix of laughter and sadness)

bi Jaro! oui luv U

(and miss you when cupcake fails to stop pucks from going behind his ass)

Mr. natural said...

AWww that's PHucken GOLD!

Real LOL, you are a PHunny PHuck!

CHEERS!

HabsFan29 said...

i cannot type through the tears of laughter and sadness

Steve said...

Priceless ROTFLMAO

GoldenGirl11 said...

בשנה הבאה ירושלים בסנט לועס
מצוין חביבי

soperman said...

Goodbye Jaro. I will curse dat dem Goot everytime the Blues shut out the Habs.

Mr. natural said...

@GG cut that out! No fair using a Klingon keyboard!

Anonymous said...

Can't help but feel you may have traded the next Hasek.....

Even made me cheer for the Habs a bit in the Playoffs.

mr trivia said...

h-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s post.

and also informative (Bratislava no recycle anything but yogurt).

wv: micak is bigger than yours.

B B said...

Jaro,

Bonne chance.

Did you see the St. Louis paper today? You made the front paper of the sports... kinda. Behind the Cardinals, the Rams, college football, the College World Series, NASCAR, dog racing... oh, wait, the story is about the new GM who hasn't taken the job yet. Wow! Jumping from the frying pan and into... oblivion.

And now you're a pawn in the Mason deal.

ezzeloharr said...

Oh HF4, I'm going to miss these. And not just for the laughs.

I guess if we started making PFK gangsta' posts we'd end up on Deadspin, labelled as racist bigots - or something like that, right?

Or does just suggesting that make me a racist bigot?

Allan Walsh said...

Jaroslav Halak has not allowed a single goal as a member of the Blues. We want $6,000,000

Mr. natural said...

@Allan Walsh LOL

Steve said...

I just read the Toronto Sun, they had an interview with Shultz, all the goat asked him to do was to learn how to skate. He expected to do that in Hamilton.

J.T. said...

Oh Jaro, we the weemen will miss you so. You so strong, with your Euro teeth and your scary big eyes. I would haf marry you. The beauty of the stop pucks is big beauty.

wv: I don't believe people who think Jaro got traded because he was greoidy.

moeman said...

Show me da maney!

WV = forksz, as in Jaro sey forksz you fat wale

HabsFan29 said...

boy England looked terrible

Habsfan10 said...

@29:

England ARE terrible.

Habsfan1993 said...

Jaro, I'll miss your much awesome awesome posts.

WV: resig, as in, Gauthier will have to resig if Carey Fat Wale lets in much goals next year.

Mr. natural said...

Pssst! Da Amrareekins are complain alvays again about futbol refferree, maybe Hal Gill makes one holding?

Anonymous said...

tears. updates from St-Lo PLZ.

(all I caught in Hebrew was "next year" and "Jaro"...)

GoldenGirl11 said...

"Next year Jaroshalyim in St. Louis"
Religious humour. Trust me, it kills in Hebrew.

RiRi said...

Awesome, 4!

We'll miss you, Jaro. Thanks for the memories.
*tears up*

P.S. Was just listening to the radio. MC Mario just said that the Habs will absolutely win a Stanley Cup with TFS in goal. Well, that settles it, then. I mean, if MC Mario thinks so...

Anonymous said...

Jaro will be missed :(.

kristin said...

without Jaro posts, my life has no meaning.

Grrrreg said...

Thank you for this. This series of Jaro posts definitely played a part in me liking the guy so much. I will miss him, and those posts... :)

Baroque said...

Bye, Jaro. :(

Moey said...

The biggest question in my mind is what the hell is HIO going to do on a slow news week now? Boone needs a new bone to toss. The Price/Halak debate was always a sure fire winner, they always jumped on it like it was a brand new topic. Hilarious.

June 19, 2010 8:11 AM

Anonymous said...

This made me laugh and cry at the same time.

Au revoir dear Jaro. I will miss you (and the Jaro posts here).

punkster said...

Wow. Just wow.

LeNoceur said...

If I thought I could do even a pale imitation, I would totally steal this bit.

Senators Lost Cojones said...

*pours one out for the Jaro posts*

*make poopilepsie on Meple Leave*