I sad today. 3 week ago, I pley my last game in Cenedien joursie. I take Cenedien teem to canference finals for first time since 1993.
1993, what a year of crazy time. Cenedien teem win last Cup and year of dissolution of Czecolslovakia, where my home Slovakia and husband Czech republic file for Velvet Divorce.
Today, Mentreal, Cenediens file for another divorce, the divorce from me Jaro. Cari the fat wale now become big big goalie. Cari the fat wale is so fat I call him cupcake when I no call him wale. Sometime I call him fat cupcake wale. One day I call him Cari fat wale cupcake. I even call him fat Cari fat wale fat Cari wale cupcake.
I think Cari tell Pierre Go-tyay! listen Pierre, I always be called names by Jaro. He call me cupcake and wale and it make me cry from tears to my eyes. I no understand Pierre. I hate cupcakes. I hate cupcakes like Indiana Jones hates snakes. I want Jaro go now.
Cari want to stey in Mentreal and put big red Cenedien jersey. Cari make the divorce.
1993 was the Velvet Divorce. Today fat cupcake wale Cari make the Red Velvet Divorce.
I dont know Mentreal wat more I supose to make on ice for Mentreal teem to sey, oh Jaro you my favorite animal. I pley Olivechkin, he say I shake, I shake his hand 2 week later then he go score gols in internashional tournament in small arena in Bern. I pley Crosboosbie, everybady sey he best pleyer in planet of world of erth, and 2 week later he tell me he cant pley hockey anymore and he want to sell itubes on internet to sell contraband tubes of falopian for women who want more tubes. Great idea Crosboosbie!!!
Then i pley Filadelfia cream teem, where it all began, but teem no want to do important thing to do wen pley big haockey games in pleyofs; put gols behind the ass of other golie in other teem! I think Mike Camelarry sey to teem "ok teem, we win this series but best way to do it is no score any gols for 3 games ok? Who's with me teeem? On 3!: one, two, three!!!"
Ok listen Camelto, plan not work too good well. Cupcake stay on bench for 5 more games making more fat in his wale ass, teem no score one gol for 3 games and we lose series like Czecolslovakia lose half it's letters in 1993.
3 weeks later, teem look at me and sey, hey Jaro, bye Jaro. Good luck Mentreal with your Eler Meller and Ian Miller Big Fat Name sound like german Shultz. I not no if these pleyers no how to skate without training blades (yes, you know the litel blades they but on two sides of your litle skate when you are litel Jaro baby so you no fall on litel Jaro ass on lake near Bratislava!). You see, Eller and Shultz, when Go-tyay! remove the training blades, hold on to big fat Cari's boobs!
Now, I go to Louis Blue. City with so funy name! Oh Louis, you not very blue! Ok, I from Bratislava Green! But Bratislava green not possible because Bratislava no recycle anything but yogurt.
My best frend and agent Alloun Walsh tell me Jaro we going to take over NHL and every boy will have litel Jaro head of bobles and make me look like my head have pooopilepsie like Kastoutsyn. Alloun tell me we go to judge judy arbitration and we can sey to judy, "Hey Judy! I'm Jaro! Give me maney!" And Judy give me billions of dolars and big boat. Walsh sey Jaro so powerful now we make peace in middle of east and we rename city Jaroshalayim. Jaro will be on box of Jaro cereals with Cari and commercials that sey "Silly, wale, Jaros are for golies!"
I number 1 in Louis Blue. No more fat Cari, no more crazy Mentreal, no more talking to you here my friends. Wat crazy stories we sey to each other! We became good friends Mentreal, we will always have Paris.
Thank you for reading and for making Jaro one the most pleasant experiences of my life.