Monday, August 31, 2009

Sportswriter has insight beyond us mere mortals

So NHL.com's John Kreiser (an NHL "insider" no less) has penned a column outlining the key questions for each of the 30 teams in the NHL. I dutifully ignored the 29 other teams and scanned quickly to find what sparkling insider insight he would have about Nos Canadiens. No doubt it took him hours of research and reflection to come up with:

"Will new coach + new players = better results?"

Fucking brilliant! See the way he takes the most obvious and banal point and makes it sportswriting genius by using mathematical symbols instead of words? That takes work, people. No doubt he rejected such other probing questions as:

Will the Habs win any games?
Will two top forwards who have never played together (except for those two years in Jersey) gel on the ice?
Will the Habs, in fact, play on ice this year?
Will the Montreal media turn on the team after their 10th straight loss?
Does 2+2=4?


On a related note, the FHF season preview has been canceled, as all the important questions have been asked.

via P. Daddy

17 comments:

HFF33 aka Panger said...

@29: that is an impressive amount of bitterness compressed into a short post. I'm glad to see I don't have to think of anything for a season preview, though.

Robbie said...

Wait wait wait just one fucking minute. You cannot cancel the preview as the following points have yet to be covered.

* How many Canadiens forwards stack on top of each other does it take to make one 6 ft 3 inch forward?

* Can the rookie not rookie goalie actually do a line the length of his goal crease?

* Do 4 tits on two brothers equal 40 goals?

* Can a french coach actually coach his team in french when there are no french players left?

* Does the team give its new players maps to super sex and Wanda's

Please cover these and many remaining fucking mysteries in your up coming preview.

Merci EH!

Boob Gainey said...

Bertrand Raymond being a wanker.

South Shore Habs Fan said...

Who the fuck are these athletes that think that just because they have a French name, they have some God-given right to play in Montreal? Fuck Gauthier, he's the pylon who concussed Gorges with that head-shot. Fuck Beauchemin, Gainey would've signed him if he really were interested in playing here. And where does he get off on criticizing our signings? "Mara shies away from the rough stuff"? Beauchemin had 26 hits in 20 games last season, or about 1.3 hits a game. Mara had 123 hits in 76 games, good for 39th among all NHL defensemen, or 1.6 hits per game.

And for such an amazing player, Tanguay went unsigned for 2 months, fired his agent, and settled for half last year's salary with the team that finished 2nd to last in the league. If his name were Thompson, Raymond wouldn't give two shits.

Treating French players like kings has brought us fucking nowhere in the past. Props to Gainey for treating the organization like a fucking business, not a dumping ground for everyone's p'tit neveu qui veut être vedette avec le Canadien. There's a reason everyone respects Lapierre - he didn't expect to be parachuted in on the first line, he put in his time in Hamilton and fucking earned the #3 center spot with hard work and determination. That's the only reason any Quebecois (and really, any player at all) should wear the CH.

/rant

WV: "cofistom". As in "Hey, Laraque, isn't that Dou$harek standing in front of his net, giving Lats pansy-ass cross-checks to the back? Cofistom."

Boob Gainey said...

Good rant SSHF, but:

" Treating French players like kings has brought us fucking nowhere in the past."

isn't quite right is it?

lawyergirl77 said...

@SSHF - damn, honey, you really got your rant on there! Well done!!

South Shore Habs Fan said...

@ Boob
My mistake... I guess I should've said "treating mediocre French players like kings has brought us fucking nowhere recently". It scares away the genuine French superstars while giving us self-indulgent little shits like Ribeiro and Dagenais.

moeman said...

@SSHF, très bien écrit.

Also, how does a pathetic slug like bertrand raymond get into the HHoF. Also, a lot of the comments following raymond's wankerific wank are a good read, as in they tell bertrand to STFU! and quit being so fucking bitter towards Bob and to get his lips off non-CH Francophone NHLers nether region, (at least those he says Bob shunned).

moeman said...

We're da best bastages out there!

Anonymous said...

@SSHF: Please PLEASE post your rant in the comments section of Bert "I'm a huge fag" Raymond's blog. It would be a riot if they published and got their knickers in a twist over an anglo commenting on a french blog post. Or better yet, translate the sucker and post it.

Shutdown. said...

Luongo rumour: 10-12 year extension, 5 million dollar cap hit range.


Jesus fuck.

Number31 said...

Luongo groin explosion in 1-2 months. Sorry Canucks. I'd fear that.

Bertrand's a tool. And fuck Beauchemin. I thought we got rid of him years ago? Gauthier? That little fucker should be BANNED from the League. All he does is get suspended anyway... Wonder how much he'll explode when Les Molsons take Boivin's job (supposedly)?

moeman said...

CH offers a .ics of the upcoming 09/10 Habs season sched = sweet.

Bonus the CH org even offers instructions on 'Import into iCal or Entourage using .ICS', stupid fucking MicroSoft.

moeman said...

Just for righteous fun.

Boob Gainey said...

Denis Gauthier 2008-2009

Games Played: 65

Points: 4

Games Suspended: 7

moeman said...

@Boob, but Aki Berg was picked 3rd in dat draft and according to bertrank raymoon, draft position rulz.

http://kings.nhl.com/club/draftstats.htm?round=1&year=1995

HabsFan29 said...

amen, moeman