Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Fuck. This. Team. Leafs 3 - Gutless Useless Sacks of Shit 0

So, anyone else got plans for the rest of their fucking winter? Look, I understand standing by your team when they put together a decent effort that, for lack of talent or the presence of an otherworldly star or a hot goalie on the other side they fall short, but as TMS said below, there is no fucking way I'm wasting my fucking time on such a rudderless, weak-kneed, gutless, no-fucking pulse bullshit team or performance. Laugh all you want and crack stupid "1967" jokes, claim that Taylor Hall is going to be in Bruins jersey next year, yuck it up that Brian Burke may have tossed a million picks away, but I live in Toronto and that fucking team works its ass off 100% of the time. They don't have a single passenger (well, maybe Blake) and even though they aren't as talented as most of the rest of the league, they are a miserable fucking team to play against.

This fucking Habs team is not. With Andrei Markov out, this team is one legit scorer (Cammi), one complementary scorer (Gionta), one smallish second line centre (Pleks), two potentially good goalies, a host of third and fourth liners and kids who do an average job, a few 2nd pair defencemen (Hamr and Jaro 2.0) and a bunch of 4th to 7th guys, a pair of fucking head case Belorussians and one lazy, soft as Charmin never competes albatross fucking monster contract taking up cap space & ice time. I didn't even see this game and I am fucking sick of this team. At least last year Koivu, Higgins and Komisarek fucking laid it on the line every night.

Plan the Parade: Fuck you. Seriously, fuck you, fuck Gainey for that fucking stupid Gomez trade, fuck Timmins for his annual draft pick of an American high school defenceman that we will never see, fuck Gomez for all the reasons Robert L mentions, fuck injuries burying this team again, and fuck Brian Burke and the Leafs for rubbing the Habs noses in the shit sandwich that is this fucking stupid "chemistry experiment". You want to laugh because this team is 2-1 versus Toronto this year so far? They lucked into an overtime win and a shootout win against a goalie so bad that Leaf fans are pleased when he gets hurt. Stop being smug. But for Vesa Toskala, the Habs are already 0-3 against Toronto this year and the Leafs look to be getting better as the season progresses.

The Sky is Falling: Folks, this is your team. A team that doesn't have the brains, guts, skill or will to run off a winning streak of any length. A team that is way too dependant on Cammalleri scoring and Price standing on his head to win. Blame the injuries all you want ... is Andrei Markov such a world-class talent that this team will be running opponents out of the rink when he returns? Bobby Fucking Orr couldn't carry this team past one of Pittsburgh, Philly, New Jersey or Washington to get a top four finish. Buffalo is going to fucking destroy this team this week. Ryan Miller might fall asleep he'll be so bored.

Chez Paree Bound: Someone might deserve it. Maybe Price played all right, I don't fucking know. I turned the fucking game on and it was 1-0. Thirty seconds later Jeff Fucking Finger scored and that was the fucking end of that. So fuck it. If you think someone played okay, mention it in the comments. I don't give a fucking holy hell.

Here's one fucking problem with this team: Mike Cammalleri is an excellent hockey player, fun to watch and seems to really love being a Montreal Canadien. But the problem with Cammalleri is the problem the Habs have had since Guy Lafleur left: Cammy is an excellent hockey player, but he's a second tier guy. Mats Naslund was a second tier guy. So were Vinny Damphousse, Kirk Muller, Saku Koivu and Alex Kovalev. Even the grand experiment of Alex Tanguay was a second (maybe third) tier guy. The Habs don't have a first-tier guy, don't have a first-tier prospect, and don't have the tradeables to get one, and thanks to the fucking albatross, they don't have the cap space to get one unless they gut the team ... and then they'll look like Atlanta or Toronto, with one world-class scorer and a bunch of hopefuls and spare parts. Of course, if your hopefuls and spare parts WORK FOR A FUCKING LIVING, you can certainly beat this fucking shit Habs team lead by one solid scorer who, as good as he is, can't always conjure up that bit of magic when it is desperately needed. What kind of difference would a Marian Gaborik make to the make-up of this team? Or a playing-to-his rumoured potential Andrei Kostitsyn? Or the Alex Kovalev of two years ago, when he almost (almost) reached tier one status? Fuck. Teams that don't have all-star talent need to have all-star work ethics and all-star luck. Again, this fucking team has neither.

Spare me the injuries excuse, the chemistry experiment excuse, the new system excuse, the whatever the fuck excuse you have this week to excuse this fucking mess excuse. This team is well into the season and they are a schizophrenic, soft, not-very potent offensively team with sketchy defending and weird goaltending lapses. They can be fun to watch, some of them do the jersey proud, and they seem to at least be restoring some dignity to the brand after last year's off-ice shenanigans. But here's the bottom line: They failed to fucking do anything of consequence last night, they fucking fail to do anything of consequence far too often, they fucking win one, lose two, win two, lose by a touchdown, get hurt, make a minor move, get us excited because they might have turned a corner, lose a few close ones, and then pull a fucking shitshow again. It's fucking infuriating, annoying and I'm fucking sick of it but I guess we have to get used to it. This is your fucking team, and it's pretty fucking bad.

Next opponent that will hopefully end this fucking stupid 100th Anniversary Embarrassment: I don't know. Is it Buffalo? I know Boston is going to fucking destroy us on Friday. If there's a game before that, it might be Buffalo.

36 comments:

Avi said...

Im not sure what was so bad about the gomez trade yet? higgins is still playing just as shit... and the prospects havent done anything yet to make it look bad....no matter what they do in junior or the AHL it isnt the NHL. is it the 8mill? ya that kinda sucks...but what free agent did you want to spend it on, who wanted to come here? did you want more money to keep kovy? or komisarek? fuck those turds with a bigger rubber dick....

Avi said...

Oh ya forgot to say that you were right, last night was horrible and when stagan scored i was already turning on the xbox 360 to kill some zombies in left 4 dead 2....

probably better off masturbating then watching them play boston, at least ill have something to show for it when its all over?

-- too much?

Boob Gainey said...

Higgins laid it on the line every night?

Was there a trainer or a waterboy by the name of Higgins? Or maybe one of the Bell Ctr ushers is called Higgins.

too close to toronto said...

@Avi: 8mil could have gotten us Gaborik, instead of allowing the Rangers to get him because we took that God-awful contract off their hands. Even injured for half the season Gaborik scores 20 goals. How many do you think Gomez will end the season with?

@Boob - for all the bad things you can say about Higgins (I'll start us off "Chris Higgins couldn't score on a breakaway if his mother's life depended on it"), i agree with 10: He worked. He didn't always produce, that's for sure, but showed up to play most nights.

HabsFan29 said...

the sheer number of expletives here puts TMS to shame. well done 10

Chemmy said...

"Buffalo is going to fucking destroy this team this week. Ryan Miller might fall asleep he'll be so bored."

Buffalo absolutely humiliated us (Toronto) on Monday night. Miller is playing better than I've ever seen him before.

Hopefully Burke can ruin him at the Olympics otherwise we're all boned.

Ben Dugas said...

Last night was brutal but I still think this years team is easier to watch than last years' train wreck.

This year we have at least three things we didn't have last year:
1. Solid goaltending.
2. Solid defense.
3. Two forwards who not only put in effort every night but also consistently produce.

Sure there have been 4-5 games (last night included) where we've sucked but what can you expect? We've got our top D/PP quarteback and two of our top six forwards out. Do you think the Leafs, minus Kessel, Kaberle and Stajan would have beat us with a full roster?

Remember how the Rangers would stock up on free agents every year and then miss the playoffs before the lockout? Well that's us this year. We might be a 7-11 team this year but Gainey's been cutting out the deadweight to make room for guys with potential, we have a goaltender who's showing singes of becoming one of the top five players in the league and these guys will get better throughout the season (and throughout next season) as they come together.

Avi said...

reply to: Too close to Toronto....

8 Mill could have gotten us Gaborik if he wanted to come here.. but he didnt... thats the problem...

GoldenGirl11 said...

@10
I pity opposing counsel today. I think I need you to come on over and give my kids that speech. Just replace all the hockey stuff with exam stuff (Spare me the I-hate-Yiddish excuse, the I-didn't-hand-in-my-chemistry experiment excuse, the lost-my-agenda excuse, the whatever the fuck excuse you have this week to excuse this fucking mess excuse). Well done.

gillis said...

CHips traded to ducks

eyebleaf said...

This is your fucking team, and it's pretty fucking bad.

We have a lot more in common than you think.

Anonymous said...

"I didn't even see this game" ha ha ha

Grrrreg said...

I understand the anger and frustration. I haven't watched the game either, but by all accounts, it was awful. The habs are far from a contender this season, even with Markov, we all know that. But except for a few games (last night was apparently one of them), I don't think the habs can be blamed for lacking character and effort this year.

And I hate that big fat contract too, but I'm not sure we would have Cammalleri and Gio if Gomez had not been traded here the day before july 1.

lawyergirl77 said...

Grrreg - I agree and disagree with both you and HF10.

We're pretty Jekyll and Hyde when it comes to character this year. Either we fight through ridiculous adversity to win (or at least get a point) or we fold like little bitches after a disastrous first period.

It seems as though we play better when we suck in the 1st and fall behind rather than when we play like men posessed for the first, say, 10 minutes of a game and then the other team scores first (as was the case last night).

I could deal happily with being a bubble team, or at the lower end of the parity division if we showed some character on a consistent basis.

Either way - would the real Montreal Canadiens please stand up?

Number31 said...

Last fucking year the Leafs beat the fucking Habs 7-2 most of the time. I can take an embarrassing 3-0 suckfest more than a 7-whatever shitfest. At least Kessel didn't score (assists don't bug me as much). He irks me. He's irksome.

Bye bye Chips...

Space Weed said...

Gomez was only good in New Jersey because he fed off of goal scorers. Look at the guys he was able to play with in New Jersey: Arnott, Elias, Sykora, Parise, Gionta. He averages around 42 assists a season. He averages about 14 goals a season. Not having Gionta could've been a factor as he was playing good, but yea. Gomez is an utter tool because he'd ditch his team for a rival team. Devils fans hate Gomez because he ditched for $$ in New York. So you have something in common with Devils fans, a hatred of Scott Gomez. But

Anonymous said...

@everyone who admitted to not watching the game...

LoL

moeman said...

Righteous rant.

Kessel is not only irksome, he's one ugly sumbitch.

Post game word is beauchemin and Dou$harek said they didn't even break a sweat. Bulletin board that JM!

Go you fucking Habs!

Boob Gainey said...

Beauchemin and Doucharek are better when they don't break a sweat.

moeman said...

Big Tits playing vs. Barffalo.

Ronan said...

I thought Rhino played a decent game... he destroyed Grabitchski, blocked a shot, had no giveaways, and had an even +/- with 15 minutes of ice time.


I'm torn on the whole Gomez situation. On one hand, we had to make a trade - if we hadn't, we'd have gone into July 1st with MadMax and Glen Metropolit as our only signed centres (you can count Pleks if you want, but he was coming off a 39-point season). Cammy, Gionta, and Spacek like money, sure, but there's no fucking way any of them sign with a team whose #1 centre is a 5'10" self-described little girl who couldn't top 40 points. And we know from experience that free agents won't line up to play with Saku (who has 1 point less than Gomez and is -3, albeit for half the price).

On the other hand, his contract is an absolute killer, and there were better centres available. That 7.4mil/year cap hit means no chance at Kovalchuk, and no trades for a superstar. Also, if I remember correctly, there were a few centres coming off sub-par years this summer with much lower cap hits - Marleau for one, but also Horcoff and Dubinsky (Here's a thought - don't do the Gomez trade, and throw an offer sheet at Dubinsky - either the Rangers go to cap hell or we get a talented young centre. In either case, NY is still stuck with Gomez, which means we'd have had a shot at Gaborik).

Boob Gainey said...

Gomez was our least awful forward last night.

Problem is he was paired with Moen and MaxPac. All the playmaking in the world isn't going to turn those two in Gionta/Elias.

Anonymous said...

@ronan

"5'10" self-described little girl who couldn't top 40 points"

Sad, but true! And oh so funny!

We can bitch about Gomez and his bloated contract all we want, but do we really think Cammy and Gionta would have signed here to play with Pleks, after the season he had?

I`m not a fan of Gomez but somehow, Cammy and Gionta tought they were coming to play with a suoerstar...

bkblades said...

Epic rant. Something about bad teams (and you don't have to venture far into TSN to know about Toronto's massive struggles in sports) that make the best press. I come for the classy ladies, stay for the words.

Habsfan10 said...

Alright, a bunch of people have mentioned it, so I think I need to respond. Defending the Gomez deal on the basis that Cammi and Gionta wouldn't have come here if Gomez wasn't on board means one of the following:

1. Cammi and Gionta are dumb as fucking rocks if they looked at Gomez's career and thought he was a superstar to play with;
2. Gainey way, way overpaid (money and years) for a midget 25 goal scorer with some leadership qualities if Gionta was coming to play with Gomez anyway;
3. There were better options out there, as Ronan pointed out;
4. If the price for Cammy and Gionta and their massive deals was Gomez, I'd have rather kept Higgins and the defence prospects and seen who else we could have snagged with all that cap space.

Anonymous said...

I thought it'd be hilarious to own the highest paid and laziest mexican on the planet.
my bad.

disappointed said...

what does saying "fuck" every other word prove? epic tirade?
gomez was our best player last night. you might have caught that if you had watched the game. his salary is another issue. if some donkey decided to pay you 8 mil a year to keep blogging, you'd damn sure take it... but i doubt that your posts would be funnier/more accurate/wittier/better written.
dunno.
not too impressed by this post.

Habsfan10 said...

@ disappointed:

Great, Gomez was our best player on a night when the team was universally panned for playing perhaps its worst game of the year. Fan-fucking-tastic. For 8 million a year, he should be our best player every damn night, and he should be a hell of a lot better than he is. It's not his fault that the Rangers vastly overpaid him for his skill set, but it certainly doesn't shield him from criticism. And you're probably wrong ... if someone gave me $8 million to write this stuff, I most certainly would use that advantage to get faster, smarter, hire a personal blogging trainer, whatever it took to improve my blogging skills. You know, like the way Gomez has dedicated himself to being a more complete, hardworking, more accurate shooting, willing to pay the price $8 million dollar ... oh.

And read the rest of the blog and its history before you go off questioning what we wrote or how we wrote it. Hell, read the tag that says "gratuitous use of the word fucking as an adjective" and see if you can get the joke. If it still doesn't impress you, feel free to wander over to Habs Inside Out to talk with the rest of the fucksticks.

Anonymous said...

@HF10

epic +1. well played sir.

offspace said...

Go Pants? Go Smurfs?

TH-TO said...

Personally, I hope HF10 is on his game tomorrow night. It could be epic. :-)

TH-TO

disappointed and gone said...

you know what hf10? i will fuck off with the other fucksticks.
this site used to be funny and new and smart and sharp.
now, it's just... tired and bitter.
it's the same old. habs win: woo fucking hoo. *insert plan the parade joke here*
habs lose: fuckity fuck every fucking one of these fucking fucknuts, fuck.
and apparently, you're touchy when it comes to criticism.
today, you've lost one fan of the fhf's for good.
try to come up with something fresh for the future.

GoldenGirl11 said...

@disappointed
Since you didn't pay for the privaledge of reading you seem to be pretty bitter yourself. Be free. And btw, you might want to change your name for the dating sites. Kinda sets up an image of, well, disappointment, unless that's accurate, in which case go for it.

HabsFan4 said...

Aw shit! Disappointed is missing out on our million dollar giveaway next week!

Come baaaack!!!!!!!

Habsfan10 said...

Well, I guess disappointed and gone won't read this, but ...

You know what? This blog isn't easy. Coming up with a new spin every time isn't easy. We all have full time jobs, spouses, kids, lives, and we write because we enjoy it, we've met a ton of interesting, engaging people who comment, and we take the Habs seriously but not too seriously, so we do stuff like post crazy photoshops and speak in the voice of a sex-crazed Slovak goalie and sometimes we curse and swear and rant like the worst fool you've ever met in a sports bar or at the water cooler. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. If the taglines didn't clue you in, we don't take ourselves and our over-the-top rants too much to heart (just like we're pretty sure no one here would actually fuck Milan Lucic with a rusty chainsaw). If the post wasn't too your liking, or you think we've fallen off, then I'm fine with you leaving. Sorry we couldn't offer you better from this free, part-time lark of a blog.

As for me not taking criticism well, you're absolutely right. Constructive criticism is one thing, but anonymous "you swear too much, this post isn't funny"? Not so much.

HabsFan4 said...

Fuck guys, we're down to 6 readers.