Friday, November 20, 2009

Independamn-what-the-hell-was-that? Day - Habs 3 Caps 2

Holy motherfucking crap how in the blue hell did that happen? Did aliens kidnap the crap team we've been watching and replace them with the nation's capital destroying monsters we saw tonight? That might be the only explanation. (Note to self: stop writing reviews after putting down a buncha beers, especially if the Cardiac Canadiens are gonna spend half the game playing Stalingrad to Washington's Germans but still win. This might be the first ever all superlatives review, people. McSplooge might have nothing on me. Fair warning.)

Plan the Parade: You're goddamn right I'm planning the parade! I'm delusional! I'm crazy with Canadiens fever! Pleks! Price! Hamr and Jaro 2.0! Squid! Coaches! THIS FUCKING TEAM IS PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER AND IT'S STANLEY CUP TIME BABY!!!! WHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Seriously, though: Pleks played another excellent game at both ends of the rink, and his linemates Big Tits and Max Pack actually gave him some support. It's early doors on this line, but please oh please let these two be the answers for Plek's cries for help. McSplooge McSplooged all over Hamr and Jaro 2.0, but they kept Ovie and Backstrom relatively quiet all night. Price didn't make any "holy shit" saves, but he was solid and calm and there when he was needed. Oh please oh please keep this going. Travis Moen provided some quality diggin and muckin for Squid and Gomez and potted a goal. Pyatt and White are constantly working hard. And here's a special mention for Mr. Jacques Martin: Hey, do you think Carbo would have had a game plan like that ready for Ovie and the Caps, or would that sucker have ended 9-3 with Ovie getting 5? Martin came into this going with Hamr and Jaro 2.0 against Ovie, shifted lines like a maniac to keep that match-up on the road, and did some clever juggling after something happened to Gomez early in the third. (Here's hoping Martin just told him to take off his fucking jersey, drive back to Montreal and apologize to the Molson's for stealing their money.) Oops. There goes the feel-good portion of our show. On to the angry-I'm-never-truly-happy-plus-I've-been-drinking rant!

The Sky is Falling: Jesus Fucking Christ on a bike Scott Gomez is fucking terrible right now. Anyone who had 22 games in the "That Lazy Overpaid Fucker Gomez is Gonna Drive HF10 Over the Fucking Edge" is the big winner. At one point I made a mental note to compare Gomez to 2007 Kovy, who essentially kneecapped Pleks and Big Tits for the entire year. Gomez was killing Squid and Moen tonight until he mysteriously and fortuitously left the game. I dub him The Albatross, for his contract and the fact that he will haunt Gainey until a) Gainey gets fired; b) Gainey can get rid of him or c) That ridiculous contract runs out sometime next decade.

Jacques Martin nailed Latendresse's ass to the bench at some point. I didn't notice for 15 minutes because Gui! was invisible when he was on the ice anyway. He has had enough goddamn chances and now it's time for an extended trip to the pressbox, aka Chips House (sorry Panger.) Finalement.

Max Pack looked good at points, but please tell me he hasn't inherited the Michael Ryder snakebitten stick of death. He'll need to start potting goals to make Pleks-Patches-Tits a viable second scoring option.

Urologist. Ah, fuck me. Panger, where the hell is your trunk!?!?!

There were points where you could see the Caps smelling blood in the water and it was white knuckle time. At one point I squinted at the tv and pretended it was 1977, the guys in red with the best/most exciting player in the league, the best offensive defenceman going and the goalie getting bored from lack of work was the Habs and it was the hometown white-clad Caps getting shelled. Ugly. But whatever, it worked.

Chez Paree Bound:
Pleks gets his regular table. Price gets his regular bed in the champagne room. Squid gets behind the velvet ropes (excellent signing so far, it must be said.) Hamr and Jaro 2.0 get to be two wild and crazy guys in the booths. Martin and the coaches also get some special attention for their Operation OvieStop. Moen, Metro, Max Pack, even Big Tits can have some drinks in perverts row. Basically the Urologist and Gomez get stopped at the door. Hell, I don't even have too many bad things to say about BGL.

Next terrifying, offensive juggernaut in red opponent: Detroit. Saturday night. Summabitch.


HabsFan29 said...

playing Stalingrad to Washington's Germans


i share your delusions for these pleasant 24 hours. plan the fucking parade bitches!!

Baroque said...

That "terrifying offensive juggernaut" scored a total of one goal against the Panthers and sucks in overtime. If my Wings don't win in regulation, odds are one point is all they are going to get. :(

At least there won't be any goofy third jerseys for this O6 matchup. :)

HabsFan29 said...

@Baroque - actually, i think we're wearing the 1910 blue "Leafs" jerseys tonight. ugh.

CapsChick said...

Habs played a great game - usually I'd sit here and blame a Caps loss on not enough effort, but I think the Habs really just shut my boys down in ways they couldn't overcome.

Price was amazing. He's been amazing. Hope he continues to be amazing, I love it.

Meanwhile...Gomez is a joke. Still can't believe I have to root for that guy 78 games a year (minus the 4 times he plays the Caps :P).

Let's do this again in a few weeks, shall we?

CapsChick said...

Or...a week, even. Jesus, when did it become the 21st??

Baroque said...

...actually, i think we're wearing the 1910 blue "Leafs" jerseys tonight. ugh.

No fucking way.

Why the fucking bloody hell would a team with some of the best and most recognizable uniforms in all of sport, so iconic that the colors of the jersey alone are sufficient to identify the team, keep pulling bullshit putrid throwback retro bloody shitty uniforms out of their illustrious past? WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE, THE BUFFASLUGS?!? THE SENATORS?!? THE ATLANTA THRASHERS?!? Other teams would donate appendages to charity if they could get a look that was as classic and iconic as teams like Montreal and Detroit and Chicago already have, and yet they can't help but screw it up. Goddammit Montreal front office marketing morons. :(


I love you guys, but Detroit needs the points. Sorry.

Number31 said...

Kick the tires and light the fires! That photoshop is awesome.

And tonight: TFS is in. The Bulldogs face Jimmy Howard.

I kind of like the Blue/White C sweater. C'mon, just be proud of the actual history of it all, unlike say a team with a throwback jersey that's only 10 years old.

cottoneye said...

''Jesus Fucking Christ on a bike Scott Gomez is fucking terrible''

Hee! I actually don't mind Gomez that much (I think he was playing injured) but that line made me spit my tea on the keyboard.

UKHab said...

I've found the solution to our injury problems. Horse placenta! I'm sure George is on the phone to Bob about it right now.

Robbie said...

I just jumped back on the wagon...for 2 seconds...ahh fuck it i tried to jump back on but it was overfowing with '' les pure laines''. Could have been the most dramatic final 2 minutes of hockey so far this season. I got so into it i fell of the fucking couch. Unfortunately reality will set back in quick enough.

Bryan said...

the one game i choose to skip figuring it would be a loss... went and saw 2012 instead. oi

copyranter said...

That photo is redic.

kevincrumbs said...

I thought that Patches played well, despite somehow not potting a goal. He's looked a lot better in recent games than he did earlier in the season.

What the hell happened to Dagger? Is he in Hamilton or just chillaxing with Chips in the press box?

dwgs said...

Best photoshop yet.
Dagger is still concussed.
Go you fuckin' habs.

Moey said...


My favorite photoshop to date, awesome. You keep out doing yourself.

moeman said...

Clic da pic, so worth it.

GoldenGirl11 said...

@Dwgs, Moey and Moe
Let's hope the CH blowing up opponents is a permanent theme from now on. Thanks.