Listen up, you fucking Habs. We're all pretty disappointed in your behaviour in the face of possibly clinCHing on Tuesday. You came out as flat as a pair of non-Marisa Miller tits, and it wasn't pretty. Oh sure, you fought back a little bit to take a couple of leads, but can you fucking hold a lead? Of course not, because, well, I don't know why. The defense sucks? Count Chokula sucks? You just don't care? (Gio and Moore excepted) Who the fuck knows. All we wanted was some FUCKING DESPERATION. Did you watch the Rangers play last night? Oh sure, they played the Leafs Suck, but they played with desperation. They knew they had to come out strong and win and they did. Are you fucking worse than the pathetic Rangers? No, you're fucking not. Well, SHOW US. Show us how you are desperate to make the playoffs. Show us YOU FUCKING CARE. Go to the fucking net. Dig in the corners. FUCKING WORK FOR 60 MINUTES FOR FUCK'S SAKE. All we need is one measly fucking point to clinCH a playoff spot. Do you think you can manage that you fucktards? This entire season has been a roller coaster ride from hell. You've got two fucking games to show us you mean it. And do you want to go down to the wire, against the Leafs, to have to do it? No you fucking don't. I know most of you weren't here in 2007 when in that same situation the same fucking Leafs of all teams denied us a spot in the playoffs. That wasn't fucking pretty, and no one around here (except eyebleaf) wants to have to live through that shit again. So go out there, at least pretend like you care and FUCKING GET A POINT FOR FUCK'S SAKE. DO NOT BACK INTO THE PLAYOFFS LIKE A BUNCH OF FUCKING PUSSIES. I gave you a naked Marisa Miller. That should be all the fucking motivation you need.OK, that's enough. 7:30 PM in Carolina and it's on TSN. The starter hasn't been announced as of this writing though I assume it's Jaro, and Squid and CHicken better fucking wake up soon. The end.
A final note. Before I decided to rant, we were working on a preview theme of The Wizard of Oz (you know, hurricane and all that). It included some killer work from GG which I didn't want to be lost to the dustbin of FHF history. You can see it here. The Wicked Witch will give you nightmares.
264 comments:
1 – 200 of 264 Newer› Newest»A++ rant, would read again.
A great rant, but I'm starting to freak out about how much this feels like 2007.
I have never felt that sick over a hockey result in my life. The sweep over the Bruins hurt less. Not kidding.
If these fucktards make me live through that again, so help me... Here's hoping Martin has enough brain cells to start Halak on Saturday. If he's riding the pine again for a deciding game against the Laffs, so help me, I will buy everyone a pitchfork and light the torches myself.
29, can you show up in the dressing room this evening and just read them your rant? I think it might help. Please and thank you.
They should post this rant at every stall in the Habs dressing room tonight.
Bravo sir Bravo, I felt like I was in a inspirational sports movie and the game was on the line. I'm pumped.... Glad I have tickets to the game!
Spacek in, Urologist sits... I like it but does this mean he's putting a forward on the point for the PP or is Gilll finally getting a shot?
Oh and hear that sound? Norman Flynn's head just exploded.
or we could have the "29 kid making the speech in the room" before the game.
Go you fuckin habs tabarnac
Nevermind. Urologist is in. RDS is stupid. Sorry folks.
I love it when 29 takes off the mitts and rants! Merci pour Marisa GG.
lg77, remember, NO, Steve Bégin.
Also, I can still recall Gainey giving Bégin a classy out to continue his career elsewhere and RDS ranted about Steve's value for month's ( à la Gu:(! ). Then, as a Broon, he pots 5 goals in 7 games or such and RDS went pure woolian nutzoid. Since then, zilCH, nada, rien du tout from Steve and the RDScrew (new word!).
The Urologist has been playing pretty well.
I think we'll win. It'll be close but we'll get there.
GO HABS GO!
Needs more gratuitous cursing.
That was awesome. Bravo I say
You give me the inspiration to do that for the dreaded Panthers.
But it will fall on deaf ears. Or is it deaf and dumb.
Did you pass this on to Jacques?
Go Hockey!!
Pants!!
Fucktard - that cracks me up every time.
Great rant - hopefully you can take some credit for "inspiring them tomorrow morning.
The Urologist will probably fuck up and cost us the game. I'd much rather have Darche Vader in there.
now thats good ol fourhabsfans ranting... bringing it back old school fucking right GO HABS GO
You don't need to be helped any longer, Habs. You've always had the power to get into the playoffs. Gomez, you overpaid flying monkey, get the fuck out there with the munchkins and score some goals!!!!
Find your courage, your brains and, for fuck's sake, your hearts and get that point! Now click your skates together 3 times and say "there's no place like the playoffs, there's no place like the playoffs, there's no place like the playoffs" and only good things will come. You will have a shot at those ruby rings and better still, the wicked McWitch of TSN will melt away.
I am not doing drugs (see link above). Clearly you made the right decision, 29.
That Wizard of Oz photoshop is brilliant. Can't wait to use it for the big Canadiens/Kansas City Lightning game in 2012.
looking forward to a long playoff run.. drinking the koolaid and NOT looking behind the curtain.
Do not look behind the curtain Habs!
just win one fucking game... please?
GG: You know you're work is appreciated, but I'm not sure we (certainly I) commend you enough. If you're anything like Mrs LD, and I get the sense you have similar leanings (hockey aside, Mrs LD despises hockey), incorporating large breasted stick-women into your photoshopping works of art probably goes against the grain of your soul. I can't even let Mrs LD know about this website. If she saw some of the pics you've rendered into DaVincian masterpieces, I'd hear something along the lines of "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! Blah blah smut. blah blah objectifying women...blah blah patriarchal society...blah blah...! God bless beer and rum.
Oddly, she is pretty much against all sports, except she started watching the Raptors recently. And when she watches, they win. She stopped watching MORE recently.
Anyway, just wanted to give you a virtual hug for your talents - careful, my hands tend to wander:
L(GG)D
pants
@LD
Wow. Thank you. And you pretty much nailed it. I love the challenge but it's the brilliant writing that makes it all work. Just happy that everything fits and the guys want me around. Most fun I've ever had. And I plan to show that to DrGG.
Maybe JM took should take the kids out to Cape Fear for a little off ice training. Sideshow Bob singing HMS (Hal Gill) Pinafore might get them pumped up.
@GG: I have to echo what LD said. I far too often jump into the "hackey taak" and forget to commend you for your marvellous work. Thank you so much for sharing your humour and your talent with us.
Plus, this site isn't even about hockey anymore, so why the heck would I even bother talking about it?
Go Pants!
wv: phroddl, which I feel could be used inappropriately, probably in reference to phroddling Ms. Miller up there.
@Ezz
I'm blushing. Very sweet. Again, though, it's the writing that kills. Thanks for the nod. DrGG will see this on too!
@29 - That was a Stanley Cup Final Quality Rant - Thank you and as predicted by GG, I will be watching tonight - but they better not fuckin' leave it until Saturday night! The Oz photoshop was brill and I'm sure you can use it sometime soon....For some reason I am envisioning a television commercial some time in the future. A hockey team dressed in Black and Yellow is celebrating winning the cup when suddenly the film rewinds and fades out leaving these words on the screen...If only the Habs hadn't been such a bunch of Fucktards!..
Go Haba Go!
@kmaxx
I'm proud of you. Prepare the vodka for either a celebration or to drown your sorrows. Either way you'll experience some sort of delusions.
Awesome rant, pretty much covers all bases for me. One more thing, all I want for Saturday night is to watch the Leafs and Habs without sweating bullets and with Markov in the pressbox.
GET INTO THE PLAYOFFS WITH SOME DIGNITY YOU PIECES OF MONKEY SHIT.
That is all.
WV- porowba, as in the Habs will porowbably lose tonight.
funny how I was just thinkign the exact same thing as 29.
got to admit though that my photographic leaning is more GG territory (though nothing can be quite as gruesome as that wicked witch - trying to imagine McSTFUguire in the musical - there is a MOOONSTER song in there somewhere)
Moey knows.
Also, if you haven't, make sure to click on GG pics to embiggin. Its like a pornographic easter egg hunt ...
Q's for GG;
1. Who would you draw in as the lollipop kids? leaf fans?
2. Could you make Bar Refaeli the Fairy Princess?
@Moe
A pornographic Easter egg hunt? I just spit water through my nose!
Wizard of Oz incompletes due to awesome rant...
The Cowardly Lappiere
The Giant Squidly Lollipop kids
The Wizard of Bob (he did cook up the experiment)
Not sure about the Scarecrow
Bar as Glinda just for you
I'm just enjoying Gomez flying monkey.
You're welcome GG. Nothing like keeping the nasal passages clear. ... Off to dream about Glinda Refaeli.
Not desperation, we need pride.
Desespoir implies hopelessness.
We need Fierté. For 17 of the guys
we need a translator.
How do you celebrate 100 years and not know the story?
wv= ovinod
I hope we get the ovinod tonight.
excellent rant! my sentiments exactly. all I gots to add is there are way too many games in a season.
WV pathie like Habs don't come round here looking for no pathie if you lose tonight
Suspicious whines
Based on (bonus, hockey stick sideburns!)
Caught in JM's trap
Our Habs can't look back
Do 'WE' love them too much baby?
Why can't they see?
What they're doing to 'WE'!
'WE' can't believe just a fucking point away?
'WE' can't go on together
With suspicious whines
And we can't build our Cup dreams
On suspicious whines
So, if an old FHFriend I know
Stops to say Go you fucking Habs Go!
Would I still see suspicion in our whines?
Here we rant again
Asking where WE've been
Can't you see 29's tears are real
He's crying !!!
'WE' can't go on together
With suspicious whines
And we can't build our Cup dreams
On suspicious whines
Oh let our Pants! survive
And give us a playoff prize
Let's all share that Silver Mug pie
When FHoney, you know
I'll take a regulation tie
Mmm yeah, yeah
I love fucking pie!
Best cover and some sweet suits.
Thank Ya, Thank Ya very muCH.
Via SportsClubStats.com, the following represents
the percentage chance of these teams making the playoffs:
Montreal 99.4%
Boston 84.2%
Philly 83.4%
NYR 33.1%
The chances of each team finishes in....
6th place:
Montreal 61%
Philadelphia 25%
Boston 12%
NY Rangers 1%
7th Place
Flyers 36%
Montreal 27%
Boston 25%
NY Rangers 12%
8th Place
Boston 47%
Flyers 22%
Rangers 20%
Montreal 11%
9th Place
Rangers 65%
Flyers 17%
Bruins 16%
Thrashers 2%
Canadiens 1%
@moeman
My favourite yet. thx
We need the power of the King to get us one little point!
Go Habs Go.
moe,
Suspicious whines, love it.
I like those stats and love that parody. Well done, moeman.
Oh and Price as Dorothy? You are awesome, GG!
GG - great job once again. The Ozian picture is outstanding... it can be in the complete retrospective to illustrate your creative process when they do it up at the Phone Booth. Don't forget to tell Dr. GG that he is a very lucky man to be married to you.
Hey TSN,
A little less McConversation
A little more attention to the action please
All this McAggravation ain't satisfactioning me
A little more bite and less phlegMiller bunk
A little less ferraroar and even less McSpunk
SATISFY ME !!!!
McSTFU! is tired of talkin' and says, Let me come on! come on!
+1968 comeback special to moe. and an encore, too! love it
i cant believe i'll say this, but less Tiger more mcsplooge TSN
@Moe
Woohoo! Love that Elvis too.
@Le12
Thanks. I'll pass it along to DrGG. Reminder never hurts.
@RiRi
Thanks
@Moey
I think you meant... GET INTO THE PLAYOFFS WITH SOME DIGNITY YOU PIECES OF FLYING MONKEY SHIT.
I remember being in a tiny resort in Thailand and it was pouring rain the whole day. The only English thing on TV was golf, I watched it the whole day. God it was awful. I hope to never sink to that level of desperation again. *shudder*
nothing can beat golf on TV... for taking a nap. and I'm both a golfer and a golf fan!
Fuck McSTFU and PhlegMiller. I'm not listening to that garbage.
CLINCH IT YOU FUCKERS! GO YOU FUCKING HABS GO! AND KEEP HAMR AWAY FROM OUR FUCKING NET!
@GG,
Absoultely, and I assure you if they lose tonight the monkey shit will fly, well maybe just the cat shit, whatever's handy.
WV - epsym, after watching the Habs I need a soak in some epsom salts.
GO YOU FUCKING HABS. ONE FUCKING POINT. pretty please
Alright, bitches, let's take care of business!
Go Habs Go!!!
decline, decline!
another quality PP
sooo many chances
Wish OUR Conboy was playing... Maybe next year.
Wish OUR CoaCH BouCHer was CoaCHing... Maybe next year.
kill me, i agree with McSTFU
Almost
wv aggl, aggl, aggl, c'mon you fuckin habs
Yes. SOS GUY BOUCHER!!!
I think I've seen this game before.
PhlegMiller reminding us of 2007. i really dont need that
we're terrible. already i cant remember our last scoring chance. 10 minutes ago? 15?
Clowns?
is there any situation that would inspire this team to put in some fucking effort?
@29 - we've had a scoring chance?!?
Go away, Ward. Shoo.
well that was a chance
Facepalm all around.
Nice save but MOEmaN should've lifted da puck and not shot it into Ward's pads.
How does a team score when all the forwards are facing the boards trying to put the puck into the corner in the offensive zone. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. The definition of cycling is ...?
Lots of red guys on their asses but we still can't score. What would it take???????? Geez.
On another note, how many freakin Sutters are there?
SCORE ALREADY
Well, only two more shutout periods from Jaro needed. Also, noticed he's the Habs Masterton nominee this year. What did he overcome? Management repeatedly giving Phat Whale a chance? Almost drowning in a bathtub full of chocolate milk?
Also Jamie McBain just makes me think of Rainier Wolfcastle. Mendoza!!!!!
Oh my JM. Double breasted is very out.... well, suitwise anyway. Girlwise it's very in.
Please tell me that was just a warm up.
GG11 convinced me to watch this shit...damm her! How the fuck are we ever going to win if we continue to aim the puck at the corner boards? 7 fuckin' shots on goal! Come on - do you fuckin' lazy bastards actually want to get the ONE POINT you need tonight? I'm not convinced!
GG, does that equal four tits?
@kevincrumbs
I'm kind of confused about the nomination myself. Masterton nominee should have been either Metro or O'Byrne. Hell, Metro is the very definition of the trophy. Then I realized it's the media who decides the nomination... Well, guess the media should hurry up and decide who the captain is too!
@kmaxx
Just part of the addiction. Blaming others. I'm with ya, though. This is torture. Of course no one is turning it off so just think of it as attending an online meeting of HA. Hi, my name is GG and I can't stop watching the Habs even though they are killing me.
GG your's was comment #77. You must've been CHanelling OUR lg.
WV = pooph, as in how are da Broons doin' ?
If the suckage continues, muting the game and watching it to Yakety Sax makes it so much better.
Floodgates. Open them.
@Esther, floodgates = Ward's pads?
How can this year's team be exactly like last years? New coaches, mostly all new players, playoff hopes resting on the last two games of the season. WTF?
FWIW, the Habs deserve a delayed Cane penalty for carving out Saku's eye.
My mind = blown.
Eric Staal AGAIN!?
: (
That was not the goal we were looking for...
Well, I missed the first, just finished reading the comments and then THAT happened. Why did I decide to spend tonight watching the Habs instead of studying?
Guy seated behind JM has a shirt that says "WTF?" on it. Very appropriate and looks great from the correct angle as it ends up looking like a JM thought bubble.
Maybe JM's realized he's not the man for the job, and he's purposefully throwing away the rest of the season so that the Habs have a reason to fire him?
wv: gosse, like what the Habs AREN'T playing with tonight.
@ezzeloharr - one can only hope that is what we are witnessing
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
repulsive
Just came here to say that I think I'm going to puke.
fuck.
Fire Jacques Martin NOW.
Right now, it doesn't matter who plays nets Saturday. The team needs to be struck by lightning...
I'm not even sure what to say. Anyone want to talk about something that ISN'T hockey?
Go Flyers!
Why must they make everything so freakin' complicated and extend this misery till Saturday?
Well Moeman, it looks like the Boys may well defy the 99% chance of making it
WTF is the mexican doing out there tonight? Enjoying the scenery?
Wow. Like magic! I just saw lightning and heard thunder.
GO YOU FUCKING HABS GO!
Let's look at the bright side: we're halfway to sweet ice cream-y bliss!
Okay, panic and pessimism aside, just don't give up the third goal. Coming back from 2-0 down isn't that crazy...
@RiRi: What do you think they're going to talk about on the AntiCHambre tonight? Maybe we should start taking bets?
That's some bad hockey. What's egually annoying is the fact that McSplooge is paid $$$$$$$$$ to tell us the Habs suck, like we're all freakin' blind.
@matt, it was 99.4%
Also, I think we need to have a "Glossary of the Day" entry for McSplooge's "active stick".
oy oy oy...
WV: banit. The suckage, we must banit
turn on the TV, Hurricanes score. I start figuring Habs are going to screw this up but I remain optimistic.
hurricanes score again. I've turn off my TV.
FUCK YOU HABS!
I'm not letting you ruin my life anymore (well tonight at least)
kc knows.
@ezz, the non-use of Uro?
Also, sick how the tsn'ers are loving this.
@ezzeloharr - My bet is Chicken being demoted to the third line and/or questioning why Spacek was back in the lineup and took MAB`s spot on D
The perfect Habs storm. Everyone sucks at the same time. Excellent.
Does JM want Pyatt out there with Pleks and Big Tits?
Gio!
GIANT!!!!!!
GIANT!!!
okay i turned the TV back on and Gio scores.
I LOVE YOU GIO.
Did I mention how much I love him?
C is for Gio, that's good enough for me.
let go les fuckin habs de tabarnac
@RiRi: I think they're going to complain about Big Sexy being paired with Vodkov. Again.
@bea - turn it back off!
Gio... un p'tit gars qui vaut la cash
God, how I love Brian Gionta. As I said in yesterday's TMS thread - he's one of the biggest reasons why I can't quit this team... 'Cause he won't quit on it, either!
@ezzeloharr - Ha! Yeah, right after the Lats highlight reel.
Keep it up, boys. Nothing to fear but a .6% chance of not making the playoffs.
Imagine if Squid could get going somehow.
Did anyone else see MAB try the Vodkov outlet pass? And FAIL?
Did I just see that right? MAB back on D? Bench him until there's a PP and roll 3 lines, dammit!
Number31 FTW!!! Now I have a craving for cookies... they start with C too, so I hear...
Hey 29 - ice cream goes REALLY well with cookies!
@Riri, I'm willign to give it a try.
the things one does for one's team.
if it works, I better get some good meth from 29
Does Bergeron need glasses? YES, JUST PASS THE FUCKING PUCK TO THE PACK OF WHALERCANES INSTEAD OF THE OPEN MAN ON THE LEFT!
@ReeRee, yup Uro is back manning the D spot. JM fears the anti-CHamber.
Whoa - that was an amazing play by Urologist to foil that 2-on-1!
And I'm liking the fact that GMS is back together. Welcome back, hispanic giant squidly goodness!
Stupid WhalerCanes, prematurely playing the goal horn. Surely that must anger the hockey Gods, right?
have we hit our quota for breakaways tonight?
Stats tell the story
Gionta scores and he and Markov move back to -1;Pouliot benched -1; Gomez still at -2; O;Byrne -2; Moore +1 MAB +1 and LaPierre had just changed with Gionta.
Urologist sucks. I said it this morning, I said it earlier in the year and I'll say it again. He's a UFA in the summer, right? Please?
@b, stop dat!
I can't tell what's going on besides no goal from the comments.
I've done my part by turning off the tV now HABS better do theirs.
please, please, please let it be worth it
Love the name Zdog. Just thought I'd mention that.
Kids just told me that we picked Andrei ahead of Richards, Parise, Getzlaf, Carter, Perry and Green. That's some fine scouting.
@bea: Intermission. RDS "Experts" or TSN "Panel". Pick your poison.
Oh how I desperately want to see that X next to the Habs in the standings by tonight!
Go Habs Go!!!
As much as I "deteste" Joel on RDS - his analysis on the two goals was spot on this time. Skate you lazy fucktards!
@GG11: The issue is really that the Habs have seemingly fucked up everybody's development. If we drafted Crosby or something, he'd probably be naked in a ditch with meth shoved up his nose at this point.
There's flashes of lightening outside. I have no idea what that means.
Ooh! PJ Stock AND Norman Flynn on l'AC. This gonna be good! *rubs hands together*
Seeing Mike Smith punch Chris Neil makes me smile.
Ok - Joel has gone back to being a dick head again - knew it wouldn't last!
wv - lingis...is this where I push the barriers of what you can get away with on this blog...?
@Kevin
Hilarious! And you're right. But then we'd trade him for a 57th round pick and some poutine and he'd score 30 in his first 10 games.
Gionta just told what's his face on RDS that "we came
out sluggish". WTF?? How the hell do you come OUT sluggish? Out? Game of the season??? Huh??? Dock their pay!!!!
I may cry :(
Uh oh. Not good.
I fucking loathe all men named Staal.
That is all.
T____________________________T
Feels like my eyes are being carved out.
Uro!
Suck it, Staal!
OH! Ward was asleep. Haha.
Urologist, you still suck... but I'll take the goal.
Go URO!!!! Sucks as a defenceman, but a natural born scorer...
I can see the headlines on AC now: "Bergeron: le sauveur!
@RiRi: More fodder for the CHambermen...
got to the `tv again saw it's 3-1 and then MAB scores??????
how FRUSTRATING
What is the point of this team making the playoffs anyway? Does watching 4 more games of this shit really sound appealing?
This is just a bad drug habit that we all can't shake
Also, that was such a Kostopoulos miss.
bea is a human remote
What a fuckin concept! - Instead of shooting it in the corner they shot on the net. And what a fucking shot by the Urologist!
Squid, Squid, Squid... just can't buy a fucking goal.
Oh Squid, what has happened to you?
I guess I'll stop watching again so we can get our ONE fucking measly point
SQUID JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!
Someone do some voodoo and sacrifice a live chicken for him... Pouliot's nailed to the bench, he'll do nicely.
As adverse as I am to anything McSplooge, "The Little Three" is a hilariously contrasting name to be used for anything on the Habs.
only 30 comments to ice cream
woo hoo
(gotta fill my time somehow during TV blckouts)
Okay, so I totally agree with all of you when you say Uro is a shite d-man.
But 12 goals, and 30-some-odd points at basically minimum wage? In 51 games?
Kinda worth it, IMHO...
*puts on flame suit*
Conboy to the CHokey! PP time!
@LG: I think I'd like MAB more if there was less senseless gushing about him in all the FrenCH media... But yeah. Not a *horrible* tradeoff...
@ezzeloharr - see, I just don't watch l'Antichambre, unless it's by accident, and I mute the intermission shite. Problem solved!
Hey, gentlemen, remember when the power play didn't suck? TRY CHANNELING THAT, MMKAY?
I give up my right to ice cream in perpetuity in exchange for a Habs point tonight. Come on, FHF lawyers, make it happen.
@LG
put on flame suit near Pouliot for some yummy BBQ pouliot.
lol@GG
These guys are playing like they've just been eliminated; not like they could clinch tonight.
GO TO THE NET!!! I hate perimeter hockey.
@GG11 - Sweet. You go get the Chalet BBQ sauce. That shit's laced with crack.
Aaaand another PP with nada mas. But Uro had a wicked laser shot on Cam F. Ward. F.
@@GG
I just finished stuffing myself but all this talk of CHicken is making me bitey.
if they don't get a fucking point tonite, I may have to go take a bite at all the shite players
Will we ever see another Sexy Friday?
99.4%...99%...88$...86%, the percentage keeps going down as this game plays out
just want to drop in after a lot of eating and masturbating to stop you people from getting to free ice cream
The Mexican was cool, calm and collected during his interview. Fuck me, what is wrong with these fuckers?
JM has that "WTF is that smell" look on his face again. It's bugging me.
Why is JM squinting? Is this how he shows emotion?
@GG- so THAT's what he was trying to convey...
@RiRi: He's doing his best to approximate what he imagines passes for emotion among humans.
JM still hasn't figured out what it smells like... Smells like garbage to me.
Carolina broadcasters just suggested that players should be able to check the goalie if the goalie comes out to play the puck.
What stupid fucking hicks.
@Kevin: They probably also wonder why you can't kick a field goal.
Honestly, I hope it smells like fire.
Squid is killing me. Watch him score now. (please?)
Gomer neutral zone turnover... just what we needed.
ICE CREAM!!!
Sigh.
Oh well.
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