Friday, June 11, 2010

Sexy Friday and the FHF get you ready for the World Cup

Greetings soccer fans! Or football fans, your choice. In case you've been dead, the World Cup starts today. Wait, this is a hockey blog? Fuck off with your logic, there's football to watch.

We've asked each of the FHF for their thoughts about the chances of the team they support.

England - Habsfan10
As much as it pains me to say it, England only goes as far as that Man United shirt wearing, random-red card getting manchild with the fire-hydrant shaped head will take them. I LOATHE cheering for Wayne Rooney but he's the best (only?) chance they have unless ...
  • Stephen Gerrard returns to being Stephen "Fucking Best Midfielder on the Planet" Gerrard (see Champions League Final, 2005);
  • Fat Frank Lampard gets the hell out of Gerrard's way;
  • Somebody pulls a Michael Leighton-esque goaltending miracle out of their hats; and
  • The slow, horribly overrated defence doesn't get torn to pieces.
Gotta like their chances. At least Scotland won't be embarrassed and home before their postcards this time.

Italy - Panger

Suck it losers, we’re defending champs. Okay, that pretty much guarantees we won’t win, but none of you are from Brazil so your team isn’t winning, either. FORZA ITALIA.

France - HabsFan4

They have no chance. Have a nice summer.

The Netherlands - HabsFan29
You may wonder how a Canadian Jew of various Central and Eastern European descent ends up supporting the Oranje. Three Dutch ex-girlfriends, that's how. The first of whom looked almost exactly like this woman. Of course, many Dutch women look like this. ANYWAY, the Dutch, ranked 4th in the world, look to Arjen Robben to create magic. So then the fucker had to go injure his hamstring right before the tourney. Fuck me. He should still play at some point, but for sure he won't be 100%. Instead the Dutch will look to Wesley Sneijder (Robben's Real Madrid teammate before Real's Great Dutch Purge of 2009) to create the magic. If you want to create some magic in your pants, watch this video of Sneijder's girlfriend. Gah.

As for their chances, they will score some beautiful goals along the way and then lose 1-nil or 2-nil in the quarters or semis, as usual.

Got a World Cup favourite team? Favourite WAG? Bring it in the comments. Hockey is over anyway.


RiRi said...

I'm with Panger. There's no way they win again but GO ITALY!

Also, here's a lil' something for the gals. Italy's Fabio Cannavaro. You're welcome, ladies.

kevincrumbs said...

U-S-A in the house!!!!!1111 w00t!

Uh, yeah. Obviously I'll support my own country but they'll be done in the round of sixteen. If they can't get out of a group that consists of England (yawn... overrated), Algeria (ha!) or Slovenia, then they really don't deserve to make the round of sixteen. Once there, they'll have to face either Germany, Ghana, Australia or Serbia. No gimmes there.

I also happen to love the Dutch. Who wouldn't? They play attractive football and I'd really love to see them win the World Cup someday. After that, I'll cheer for Denmark and we'll pick and choose as teams get eliminated.

I fucking hate Italy. France will not make it out of the group stage at this WC, so it's nice to see HF4 recognise.

Orangeman said...

As stated previously, my namesake here comes from my support of the Dutch. The changing of the 'j' to a 'g' is a callback to my real name and a play on words. I'm a freakin' poet. I was lucky enough to live in the Netherlands for a year, and while I never had a gf that looked quite like the one 29 apparently had (sure sure, whatever you say) I really got along with the sports fans. It was mostly speed skating, but still. Coincidentally, I was in Holland for WC 2002 (Korea-Japan) and in Korea for the last one (Germany). South Africa here I 4 years!

Anyway, so while I know very little about the beautiful game I do get my Orangest for their matches. Tomorrow is South Korea's first match (I have to specify now because the North is there too). I will be outside at the World Cup stadium here in Seoul with over a million of my closest friends. It's really a sight to see, at least it was in 2006. Millions of people take to the streets and watch on giant TVs all over the place. Yet no windows are broken, riots are avoided and everyone picks up their litter when they leave. Asia, man. Asia. So, yeah, I'll root for the South Koreans too because they've been good to me. They'll likely get killed by Greece, Argentina and Nigeria, but I hope they at least score a goal.

Other than that I'll root for the North because hopefully success in the WC will distract them from invading Seoul for a bit. And any African nation is alright in my books. Oh, and I usually pull for Oz because I loved it there, too, but now NZ is in so I'm rooting for them instead.

You may have noticed a common theme in all my choices: They're all terrible and have no chance at winning. Now, would I be a Habs fan if I didn't root for the underdogs?

GoldenGirl11 said...

It's like I don't even know you people anymore.
I hate soccer. Wake me when it's over.

moeman said...


soperman said...

Oh, its "Wayne Rooney", I thought they were talking about "Andy Rooney" and I just did not believe he could be that good. ☺

Soccer is one of those games that I loved to play as a young man (back when people were amazed by this "Pele" kid) but I just can't raise any interest in watching it. Now your girls in soccer colours - that is pretty interesting.

Moey said...

I don't give a rat's ass about soccer but I'll be neighbourly and root for USA. I'd also love to see England win cos that would piss my boss off to no end and ruin his summer. *evil laugh*

Cornelius Hardenbergh said...

Just checking in to say


Mr. natural said...

I gotta go with Italy or my life will be made miserable by my Italian friends.

Been very sick last few days and didn't watch the overtime, catching up on you tube, man was that PHucktard Leighton ever weak on the cup winning goal (ear to ear grin).

Forza Italia!

kevincrumbs said...

Sweet, Mexican goalie in a Powerade advertisement. Note to self, never buy Powerade again (have I ever?).

Fuck Mexico but I think they'll get out of the group.

GoldenGirl11 said...

Oh and stop using that picture of me from my summer in Italy. Geez.

B B said...

The MayPole Leaves! Yet another trophy they can't win!

B B said...

...and Corny, 1776 went into overtime, the US won in 1781. This would explain Braindead Burke announcing the return to power of the team well in advance of winning...

J.T. said...

@GG11: I know! There must be something we can do about the unlawful use of the pictures. Mine from the semester of university in England is there totally without my permission.

As for the Cup, I like England. As a Habs fan, I'm a glutton for punishment.

L Dude said...

Even though they snubbed Halak, I'm sticking with Slovakia. Watch out Italy!

They've got Marek Hamsik. And he's got wicked hair.

Paraguay: You mean Pairofgays. Pff. Sorry. YOU will be the outsiders.
NZ: Have another kiwi and GTF home.
Italy: Probably looking at a draw.


L Dude said...

4: Considering France shouldn't even be there, whadddya gonna do? My Ireland would have fared no better mind you. And that's the last I'll say about that hand ball. Don't want to be talking 17 years from now about Gretzky's high stick on Gilmour that cost the Leafs the cup. /end parallel

You know I've read that three times in different stories on various sports sites in the past few days - related to the Leafs being the new biggest losers.

How about if Williams didn't take Koivu's eye out in '06? Habs would have easily won the cup.

Fuck, I have a hard time keeping on one track these days.

GoldenGirl11 said...

I mean really. It's from that summer that I was unsure of where I wanted to be. The top half was crazy about Italy but the bottom half, well, as you can see, felt an affinity for Brazil.

Habsfan10 said...

Cornelius conveniently left out 1812. That's the year we decided to burn the White House to the ground. I can say we because it was kind of a British/Canadian tag-team thing.

Anonymous said...

It’s sorta cool soccer kinda. But what the fuck do you do with your arms and hands? Do you flutter them aroubd like a big fag at an art opening in Chelsea? Do you touch your cock? What the fuck?

I would touch my cock the whole game if I were as good as Pele.

Jerking off while making perfect crosses. Jizz my load in the penalty box.

That’s the advantage of Soccer. For sure.

Anonymous said...

It’s sorta cool soccer kinda. But what the fuck do you do with your arms and hands? Do you flutter them aroubd like a big fag at an art opening in Chelsea? Do you touch your cock? What the fuck?

I would touch my cock the whole game if I were as good as Pele.

Jerking off while making perfect crosses. Jizz my load in the penalty box.

That’s the advantage of Soccer. For sure.

swarkles said...

Eh I played soccer for 12 years and even I don't give a shit about soccer. Is it October yet? Or at least free agency day?

L Dude said...

GG/JT: I'm outraged (and aroused) by the illegal use of your images. Mmmmm, illegal images.
GG: Still wearing that paint?

L Dude said...

@swarkles: Nope. The next big day for the Habs is June 15. The day BGL gets his million and told to fuck off. Then he can sign with the Leafs.

Bill 101 said...

I'm with 29 and, coincidentally, for the same reason (..ahh.. summer of '78..)

That and the relaxed public smoking laws.

Go Netherlands!

Mr Trivia said...

I fucking love the World Cup. I was two hours late for work because I got caught up watching SA vs Mexico. I'll probably leave two hours early to watch the afternoon game too.

I do wish they'd work harder at taking the baby-la-la dives out the game, but the rest of it is awesome.

Hockey is the rizzle but soccer is a game anyone can play. You don't need ice or tons of money for equipment.

GoldenGirl11 said...

Mazel tov on winning the after-ten-months-including-scat-sex-you-officially-just-grossed-me-out award.

I kept the paint which might explain a lot about my kids given the whole breast feeding thing. In hindsight maybe I should've gone non-toxic. Whaddaya gonna do.

lehab said...

spain will win it all

Anonymous said...

South Korea sirs, South Korea.

Hadulf said...

Fuck soccer. There, I said it.

I'm ok now.

L Dude said...

GG11: Isn't lead good for enemia? Lead, iron. Same thing, right?

Stupid fucking draw in game one.
0 for 1 in my pool so soon. Where's the OT and penalty shots? Put Bettman in charge of FIFA DAMMIT!

GoldenGirl11 said...

Exactly. When I was a kid we ATE lead pencils and turned out just fine. What's a little ADHD anyway? So they have trouble concentrating, they only need that skill if they ever plan to work. And six toes is considered really cool in certain parts of Angola.

L Dude said...

Holy fuck, TSN is leafier than usual for this time of year. I see they are preparing to announce their new captain next week.

WV: I wonder if the Habs will follow suit and name 'gonta' as captain.

J.T. said...

@GG: I understand the search for self. I was doing that in the pic above. I figured I might find myself wherever I found my pants.

GoldenGirl11 said...

Pants are a good thing as you age. Don't know about you but after all those kids the labia just aren't what they used to be.

soperman said...


Very funny! The Queen of Photoshop is complaining about the illegal use of images.

Keep up the good work, GG11

WV - "asess" as in "How an illiterate Leaf fan spells "asses".

hmanpuckfan said...

If I don't root for Brasil, my girlfriend, who lives there, will give me more grief than ever. Now, please excuse me while I go sit in a corner and wait for her to tell me what to do next.

Thank You.

J.T. said...

@GG: Yes, well, that picture was taken a while ago. It WAS in university, you understand. The pants are now no longer optional.

J.T. said...

You know what soccer's good for? Drinking beer. There are no goals, but if you drink beer in the afternoon, you don't care.

kevincrumbs said...

Phaneuf as Captain. Leaf fans must be proud.


boob gainey said...

Spain - Argentina in the final or semifinal.

That would be something.

France were lame today. I especially liked when Thievery Handry appealed for a handball after he flubbed the free kick.

Number31 said...

What is this soccer...

I'd rather watch Patrick Kane's drunk dance.

Rips It, Scores! said...

I'll be rooting for Kim-Jong-il's Barmy Army, if only to see how many will defect during the course of the tournament.

Apart from any team that is playing France*, I hope the Dutch, Spain & Ghana all go far.

*F**k you Henry, you cheating git.

On a cheerier note, 20 years since the greatest World Cup song of all time.

orangeman said...

So I to TSN to see who won the WC matches and catch up on baseball. Who's ugly mug am I greeted with? Pronger, of course. Oh, hockey is more popular than soccer or baseball? Didn't Chicago have their parade today? Doesn't matter? More Pronger? Jesus, TSN. Give it up. He lost. Can we stop seeing his offensive image for 15 minutes?

B B said...

I watched as much soccer as I can stand...

I'm going to watch the NHL Network replays...

Something tells me the Habs just might shock Washington. Mike Boone says Caps in three, I just having a feeling Montreal stuns the no-defence playing Caps in SEVEN.

WV chilanic, as is the new Bettman approved 2 teeam division of the Blackhawks and Phlyers

orangeman said...

@BB: I'll take that bet!

Mr. natural said...

Death to America! May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.

Aawwww shit, wrong website, not sleeping well, got confused thought I was on my favorite jihadist website.

Those goofy bastards, but thin on humour.

France bored the crap out of me, maybe see something better today.

@orangeman say "YO" to KJI for me will ya, that guy needs a hug.

HabsFan29 said...

goddammit i love having matches on in the morning when i wake up. is 7:46 AM too early for beer? (that's rhetorical btw)

boob gainey said...

Koreans do play some lovely football.

Greeks not so much.

Doogie2K said...

Let's see...Canada? Ha! That's funny. Haven't been since the year I was born, never scored a WC goal in their history.

Scotland? Nope, they're out.

England? Well, maybe. I do like teams beating the US, whatever the circumstances, and Owen Hargreaves is more Canadian than English. I don't know if that's a reason to support them or a reason to be furious. I can take the argument either way, really.

Go England? I guess?

Orangeman said...

Holy shit, Korea won! Convincingly, too. Good thing I'm excluded from the office pool due to my ethnicity. Finally, Korean xenophobia pays off.

WV: loodump. Sounds British.

boob gainey said...

England were awful.

Still the bizarrely unbalanced draw gives them a fairly easy path to the semifinals.

B B said...

OK, I drank myself to a good afternoon stupor and watched a game with the Yanks.

How can you take a sport seriously that allows the goalkeeper to wear Hamburger Helper mitts?

Mr. natural said...

I didn't know that Leighton was the goalkeeper for England as well.....