Monday, March 28, 2011

The Morning Skate for Monday, March 28th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of being Cinderella...
  • The Bs punch their ticket to the playoffs thanks to a 2-1 win over the Phucktards;
  • Atlanta tries to hold on to some playoff hope with a win over the Sens;
  • The Pens win their fourth game in a row by shootout (setting a dubious NHL record in the process) 2-1 over the Panthers;
  • The 'Nucks get to 50 wins for the first time in their history thanks to Chris Higgins' 2G 1A night;
  • Bag skate! It won't help.
Just six games left in the season. Six games to score ONE GOAL. FOR PATCHES.


Moey said...

We'll win a couple of games this week, clinch a playoff spot and all this handwringing and angst will be for nought. We can resume said handwringing/angst once the playoffs start. Like the players, we too could use a couple of days off.

moeman said...

Good story about DDD.

Chester said...

We are all going to die

moeman said...

"meh, I feel fine" ~ R.E.M.

Steve said...

Good News about Vancouver, they are in the west division.

We will win 3 of the next 6, one for Patches, one for lakes and one for bush.

All courtesy of an energy transplant from Arcade Fire.

I am getting ready for the
, smashed some beer bottles working my way up to burning cars said...

have to admit that Saturday depressed me. It's not so much individual games but the fact that we went 3 fucking games in a row without scoring!!!
hell if that's all it took to be in the NHL I COULD FUCKING MAKE MILLIONS!!! said...

sorry to all Monday mornings are generally not my best time.
actually any morning is not good but Mondays are worst.
I'll try to take deep breaths form now on

GoldenGirl11 said...

That made me laugh

Kmaxx said...

Morning All...I watched the first period on Monday night and at that point I thought - "Hmmm...I don't see any goals here - shit!" and with that I turned it off. After sticking with the b's game to the buitter end, I was not going to ruin my night AND lose an extra hour of sleep (Welcome to British Summer Time BTW!) watching another shutout. Part of me prayed I was wrong but when I checked the score Sunday know the rest.

The schedule ahead worries me because we could be doing the annual "Must Win" last game of the season against the laffs if we're not careful - I don't want to go there - so let's hope the bag skate worked some of this shit out. Anyone know what our "Magic Number" to clinch a playoff spot is btw?

el BaruCHo said...

Anybody know a way to make sure CHokula or Muller reads Arpon Basu's column today? All our worries statistically solved! CHicken must play with DarCHe Vader! Tits Lego Moen! Gomer + BlanCHe Dubois!

Steve said...

@Kmaxx, good to see all the British Fans out in the streets getting practiced up for the first round Montreal victory.

Steve said...

@el BaruCHo, nick link, I took more note of Squid backing up the system, so I guess my Team Quiting theory is out. Still when I think of Chocula leading us into the playoff this comes to mind. Its fucking Fawlty towers on ice.

the Maritimer said...

@Chester, that's a classic line from one of Arnold's best movies, Predator.

Steve said...

@Maritimer -Billy-"There's something out there waiting for us, and it ain't no man. We're all gonna die."
Dutch-"Stick around"

Goat to Mr Molsons Vagina " I would like a little pussy' Mr Molson's Vagina replies "so would I, mines as big as a house"

L Dude said...

KMaxx: Tough to do the 'magic number' with the three point games but to put it in simple(ish) form:

NJ: 7 games, max pts: 87
Habs need 1 point to officially not give a shit about Fat Marty's team.

ATL: 7 games, max pts: 90
One Habs win, one ATL regulation loss (say tomorrow night maybe?) and we officially don't care about these southern belles.

CotU: 6 games, max pts: 90
Same situ as ATL. Chester mentioned how 'we are all going to die." Well if by the last game vs the laffs, we still need this, I'm sure that statement can be changed to past tense for most of us, whether it's heart attack, suicide, whatever...

WhalerCanes: 7 games, max pts: 94
7 point differential, 2 Habs wins and 2 WC's regulation losses and we're fucking good.

So, in conclusion, we should clinch after Wednesday night's victory (91 points), considering the Habs will beat the Thrash tomorrow night while the Caps take care of the Canes.

Thursday morning will be glorious.

All's good.

Go Habs Go.

moeman said...

LDude FTWinning math. Off to Google Winnie Cooper.

soperman said...

@ Steve / Maritimer

Did you ever notice that the "Predator" without the mask on, looks a lot like Chara?

Just sayin'

the Maritimer said...

@soperman, +1!

Kmaxx said...

@L Dude - Thanks for the update - my head hurts just trying to follow so I can only imagine yours.

@Steve - in future, plerase refer to me as an expatHab rather than a Brit. No one over here except us expathab fans gives a shit about "Ice Hockey" so don't lump me in with them....please...

Bill 101 said...

@LDude - thx for the update. "glorious" might be a bit of a stretch though.


Steve said...

@L Dude, you get my vote for a lap dance, Math somebody has to do it.

Steve said...

This just in, Gary Buttman has announced that to show solidarity with Japanese Hockey Fans, the Montreal Canadians will hold training camp in Japan next season. They will be staying in historic Fuckitshima, and will play a series of exhibition games against Godzilla. Buttman finished by saying, its an opportunity to accomplish long held goals.

Steve said...

@soperman, I hope you have given GG11 ideas.

"It bleeds we can kill it."

soperman said...


Poor GG! No women ever wants someone to ask if soperman has given her ideas!

L Dude said...

@Bill: I'm an eternal optimist with shards of dispair occasionally cracking my sunshiny shell. So yes. The GLORY that is the Habs begins Thursday.

@Steve: Thx for the lap dance vote. @moe: if you can send Winnie over, that'll be just fine.

@soperman: you must've at least given a woman or two an idea to wonder what lesbianism would be like?! I kid, i kid.

Bill 101 said...

amen comrade - Let Glory Reign!

moeman said...


tsn - 14th (from 11th);

thn - 15th (from 8th)

espn - 17th (from 8th);

G Y F H G !

McPhee said...

The math didn't take into account the fact that we have the tie-break against all the outsider teams, so substract one point from all the magic numbers we need. Remember when we made the playoffs by zero point when we tied Florida? Yeah.

P.S. No Laff fan rant on how much the Habs suck could ever do more damage to the credibility of the Habs than a bunch of Habs fans doing the math (instead of the meth) of their playoff hopes when said Habs are sitting at 98% chance according to a real number crunching machine. What do you expect? That they lose another six in a row? They'd still have a pretty decent chance even in that case, so FFS have a little optimism. You're missing the whole fun of pre-playoffs drinking!

Everybody fucking relax. We can basically only play Boston, Washington or Pittsburgh and we all know we can beat these teams.

L Dude said...

The lower the better moeman. We want no team to respect the Habs. Take them for granted. Go right fucking ahead.
My idiot friend who is a B's fan reminds me that last year the Habs were 19th in the league. I correct him every time and tell him I'm pretty sure they were a top 4 team. Rankings, schmankings.

I'm tired of sittin' around talking about the glory days. Time for a new winner.

Who knows - a little luck, some outstanding goaltending, maybe a surprise return by Max and/or Markov. Oscar worthy I'd say. BTW, yesterday I posted a pic of this guy. Miracle Max? Princess Bride? No? INCONCEIVABLE!
If you haven't already seen it, run right now and rent, steal or borrow for your local library.

Maybe the Miracle Max pic needs a little GG magic when the time is right.

I should do some friggin' work.

GoldenGirl11 said...

LOVE that!

L Dude said...

@GG: Probably in the top 5 of my fave movies.

@McPhee: But math is fun! And FWIW I did consider ties. Sort of. Carolina is the only real 'potential' threat. The first tie-breaker is Regulation/OT wins (SO wins don't count). Carolina only has 31 regulation/OT wins to the Habs' 37, so it's not really an issue.
And as I said, we're all good after Wednesday's game, so as Carey (and yourself) say "Just chill out." All's good.

Orangeman said...

Maybe we should be like leaf fans who believe they are still in some sort of playoff race.

I'm pretty sure that the Habs will make the playoffs, my concern now is dropping to 8th and facing the Phlyers. There's a chance the Caps will sneak in there, though, but we have an equal chance of finishing 7th as well. Do we still want the bruins? I think so. The way the bottom of the standings are heating up while the top cools (besides the Caps), I think we might see some upsets like last year.

GoldenGirl11 said...

Same here. Maybe even all time fave.

Steve said...

The Princess Bride rewiew, and since L Dude is so nuts about it with math.

Full Frontal Nudity 0
Tits 0
Hot fake sex 0
Hot Female lead 8
Great Story 10
Quotable lines 10
Spank Index* 6

Total over 30

(Spank index on a scale from one to ten how hard George would go at it)

It rates pretty damm high, despite obvious transparency.

Steve said...

That should read lack of transparency and the fact that Sean Penn has done the lead, many points off in the updated review.

Steve said...

Just for the sake of argument compare it to Predator

Full throttle Mayhem 10
Story and plot 33
Hot Chicks 6
Quotable lines 8
Spank Index 3*

Total very high

* most of the movie is shrinkage inducing, and time for spanking, way shorter than normal allotment needed for completion.

moeman said...

The spectacular Robyn Wright is worth 50 points on her own and Wallace Shawn is obviously channelling pee air mcsplooge. Plus the Oscar-worthy André the Giant makes Fuckface chara look like the shaved gorilla he is. Classic movie. Bonus Mandy Patinkin is freakin' hilarious.

Steve said...

@Moemen regarding the Wright downgrade

Ladies there is just something you should know if your going to be on the market someday. Senn Penn may have a, I can not imagine what he has, but if you have been when Sean Penn, you will never get another man ever, that is just the way we are. You can be with a Hobo with a Gun, Paul Bernado or any number of guys we dont like to think about as ex es, but we draw the line at Sean Penn.

moeman said...

Sorry Steve but Penn is a pretty cool dude and he is supposedly having fun with Scarlett Johansson.

L Dude said...

OOH! Finally a movie review site I can trust! To hell with Skeleskil and Fatbert.
Steve, when you have a moment, can you do my other favourite movie whose title clearly does not reflect the awesomeness that lies between the credits. True Romance.

And hockey for a moment. I'd like to beat the Bruins in round 1, Caps in round 2 and Flyers in round 3. And whoever (I think it's San Jose's year) in the west.

"Your friend here, he's only MOSTLY dead." - Miracle Max

Steve said...

@Moeman going off at 50 for Robyn Wright, that shows a juviniel lack of discrimination. My scale does not go to 50, but if it did,

Rachel Wiez in the Mummy
Kathleen Turner in Body Heat
Jessica Alba - Into the Blue
Susan Sarrandon - Rocky Horror Picture Show

Violante Placido The American

Number31 said...

If the Penguins jump to first I'm all for falling to 8th, even with Crosby maybe coming back. PK can take him. The bitchy Bruins can fuck off.

The panic is kind of funny, but hey, slumps usually precede hot streaks. I'm more concerned about the health of some important guys...

Steve said...

@Little Dude True Romance

Story and Plot 100
"Ugly' Arquette Lead - 7
Peak of Slaters Career -10
Sopranos pre cusser = 14
Christopher Walken= 25
Dennis Hopper - 15
FBI get fucked -25
Brad Pitt Stoned -11
Mayhem and Capitalist dream -15
Spank index (are you kidding) O

Total Score, up with the top all time scores

moeman said...

Come on Steve, I'm just giving the beautiful Robyn her due.

Also, let me one up you my film familiar friend;

Emmanuelle Béart, in anything, especially La Belle Noiseuse.

Charlize Theron in The Cider House Rules.

Sophie Marceau in Marquise.

Carole Bouquet in Trop belle pour toi.


Monica Bellucci in my dreams.

Orangeman said...

@31: I didn't even notice how close the Pens have gotten to top spot. Yes, definitely I'd take them in round one. MA Fleury seems to have trouble with the Habs while Price does well against the Pens. Plus Cooke will still be out, so that would be desireable.

L Dude said...

And moeman, don't forget that movie also had Columbo and Kevin from the Wonder Years! And of course, ROUS's!

Tragically, Sean Penn didn't watch Tropic Thunder before his portrayal of a dimwit, cuz we all know "You never go full retard!" Coulda had the oscar. Anyway, I give Penn full cred just because he was in Fast Times at Ridgemount High with Phoebe Cates. She was the primary cause of a certain 13 year old boy undertaking middle of the night covert underwear rinsing operations. Not mentioning names. Probably not enough room here anyway if we were to get into those details. *goes to google FTARH nude scene*

Steve said...

@Moeman - I do not concede, for one thing all of your choices except for Charlize could be sisters. I will say as a family I might concede my picks. Jesscia and Charlize, I will concede a small victory based upon personality. I still win with Violante Placido. She also could be in the same family you like, and she is mostly naked, as we know her. Its a slam dunk

L Dude said...

*and I'm back.

Thanks for the personal review Steve. It's been a while since I've seen it. Brad Pitt was in that movie?

Well, I've got some Monday night drinking to get to. You all stay safe. Except you Steve. Stay dangerous. GOYOUMOTHERFUCKINGHABSGO!

moeman said...

All good Steve, not looking for you to concede, just laying it out there. Whilst here, I will say that for me one of the most stunning natural beautiful gals of the silver screen is Sharon Stone. Her 50th BDay celebration in Paris MatCH is spectacular.

Steve said...

@Moeman on that we can agree, in fact Total Recall

Steve said...

Its pretty clear we are playing Philly in the first round. Which really fucking sucks.

GoldenGirl11 said...

I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.

McPhee said...

I'd love to sit everyone from HNIC and TSN and ask them how they turned this into an exciting season, well done Maple Leafs?

Seriously, when you think you had a $#itty season...