Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Leafs Decide Poor Haven't Suffered Enough: Offer Free Tickets to Toronto vs Buffalo Exhibition Game

Cause these guys don't have enough problems

The Toronto Maple Leafs have announced plans to torment the poor and indigent of their home city even further by allowing them in to the Air Canada Centre to watch an exhibition game versus the Buffalo Sabres this September. Local activists are outraged at the cruel and unusual punishment being meted out to the city's less fortunate by the evil, marauding corporation known as MLSE. Alt-hippie mayor David Miller denounced the "heinous treatment of our most vulnerable", and called for the federal government to send "money, counsellors, someone to fix the TTC, the army, ... and the rights to John Tavares."

MLSE has announced the plans as a way to allow fans who currently can not afford to see "hockey" at the Air Canada Centre (currently those earning less than $350,000 per year, or those not related to original season ticket holders from the 1931 opening of Maple Leaf Gardens) a chance to see all their favourite Maple Leaf stars in exhibition action, like John Pohl, Anton Stralman, 64 year old goalie Curtis "Cujo" Joseph, and newly acquired punching bag/mediocre agitator/turtling sissy Ryan Holllweg. Leafs acting/semi-permanent GM/Brian Burke seatwarmer Uncle Cliffy announced that the chance to see these Leaf greats was a "once in a lifetime opportunity ... for all you poor fuckers. Enjoy it, because those platinum seats are gonna stay empty at the start of every period forever." Uncle Cliffy then fell asleep in his oatmeal.

Now, we're not usually ones to heap scorn on the Leafs, but what do they have against the good, hardworking poor, lower, middle, upper-middle, and lower-rich classes of Toronto who can't afford to go to the ACC? At least you could take solace in the fact that all the rich assholes in the seats were getting a karmic punch in the face by shelling out so much to watch a crappy team. This just seems cruel, especially if you're going to make people have to drink fucking COKE ZERO for the chance to win tickets. I'm guessing dentists all over the Metro area just made plans for huge home expansions based on the amount of rotted teeth they'll see between now and the fall.

PS - We joke and all, and you can complain about the way the tickets are being distributed, but in all seriousness, what a great idea by the Leafs. Although every preseason game should be free anyway.

PPS - Writing that last bit makes me feel like I need a shower. Ugh.

11 comments:

HabsFan29 said...

Best comment to the Star's story:

"Now I can afford their $10.00 crap beer. Cheers."

HabsFan29 said...

oh and btw 10 - a chance to see all their favourite Maple Leaf stars in exhibition action, like John Pohl, Anton Stralman, 64 year old goalie Curtis "Cujo" Joseph - is classic. +1

I actually quite enjoy the Coke Zero all the kids like

hockeyzombie said...

I just read that the Sabres home opener will be against the Habs! On Oct 10th.

http://sabres.nhl.com/team/app/?service=page&page=NewsPage&articleid=368511

Chemmy said...

It's funny because these tickets will get snatched up by scalpers and sold to the highest bidder.

HabsFan29 said...

@Chemmy - read your post. good stuff. but you gotta clarify for us why Leafs Nation is so angry about some free tix. are you all just so annoyed with MLSE anything they do is a dick move?

fezworth said...

Did anyone else find the following line vaguely disturbing?

"The genesis of the giveaway was to marry the promotion of Coca-Cola Zero, which is a popular soft drink for men 18 to 34 years old..."

A soft drink for men? Really? I didn't realise such a thing existed. But apparently only for men 18 to 34 years old. Does it become toxic to 35-year olds? I'm approaching that mark rapidly, I'm frightened. Will I have to stop drinking my beloved Coke Zero?

I can imagine the conversation between Mary Ormsby and her editor at the TO Star now...

MARY: Here you go Bob, the story you wanted on the Coca Cola Zero promotion.

EDITOR: Thanks Mary. [skims the article] Woah, Hang on a sec. Look here, in the first 4 paragraphs. You've got the Maple Leafs mentioned twice, and even managed to fit the GM's name in there. But you've only used our sponsor drink's name once. What's worse, you don't even include the marketing riff.

MARY: Hmm, that's a good point. Where do you think I could put it in?

EDITOR: My feeling is that you could drop in a new paragraph in between 3 & 4. How about one that explains more about the linkage between the team & Coca Cola Zero? And you could put the marketing blurb in there.

MARY: Great! Will do, Bob, I'll have it in your inbox in 10 minutes!

EDITOR: Thanks Mary. And let Joe know that I'm still up for golf on the weekend. I can't wait to get out there and taste the cool, crip taste of Kokanee glacier-fresh beer!

melly said...

"Brian Burke seatwarmer Uncle Cliffy" haha exactly.

Did you see the Stajan quote from the Star article? "Stajan said he welcomed what is expected to be a younger, less corporate but louder group for the exhibition game." No kidding they're looking forward to some actual freaking atmosphere for a change. I hate the ACC.

But the best part of today . . . . actual, real Hab news!! (BGL picking number 17 does not qualify as news no matter how long the off-season seems.) Rhino signed! A 3 year deal for OB. Sweet. I like that kid.

PPP said...

hahaha nice post 10.

@Chemmy - read your post. good stuff. but you gotta clarify for us why Leafs Nation is so angry about some free tix. are you all just so annoyed with MLSE anything they do is a dick move?

Because it's a pre-season game. Any lost revenue is probably made up in the partnership with Coca-Cola and in order to get tickets you either had to be at a Wednesday 11am presser (notoriously tough to attend for the males 18-34 crowd that have jobs) or you'll have to buy Coke Zero products or enter a draw in which you hand over all sorts of personal info to Coca-Cola so that they can hit you up with some direct marketing.

Basically, it's a major corporate announcement because the Leafs are now sharing their brand equity/power to other corporations.

On the list of 'fan related' moves that they could have made this one, as one commenter said, would sit around 32nd on a list of the top 25 ideas.

Habsfan10 said...

Anyone else weirded out by this Leafs and Habs fans agreeing thing? I thought the only thing we agreed on was the eternal suckitude of the Bruins.

PPP said...

It, along with global warming, the Iraq War, and the popularity of reality television, is just one more sign of the apocalypse.

eyebleaf said...

Ladies and gentlemen, your Toronto Maple Leafs: always putting the fans first.

Go Leafs Go