Monday, January 17, 2011

Stan Lee's Canadien Guardian will eat your children and enslave your women for this Flames preview and open thread


As mentioned in TMS this morning, the NHL and Stan Lee have teamed up to promote the All-Star game by having superheroes, or "Guardians" of all the NHL teams in time for game. And over the weekend, the Canadien was revealed. It frightens us. Let's take a look at the superpowers he was given:

Legendary protector of Quebec
I think a million Nords fans in this province would rather see another English win on the Plains of Abraham than be protected by anyone with a CH on their chest.

Controls power absorption and magnification
We're really not sure what this means, but if "controls power absorption" translates to "limit the ability to score", CHokula already has that job covered.

That's it? Well, those powers are totally useless. Here's some superpowers he should have been given:
  • Strength to squish The Mexican's salary with one hand;
  • Sense to determine if JM is breathing;
  • Magical touch that heals defensemen's knees;
  • Rotating the Earth to turn back time to the 1970's;
  • Ability to communicate with Belarussians of limited intelligence.
Now those we could have used. Hey look the Flames are playing! Let's set this baby up with help from some other Stan Lee creations.

Waiting for the Joss Whedon Avengers movie - 7:30 PM start at the Bell. On TSNHabsBell and Sportsnet West for you Panger types. This is the teams' first meeting this year, the next one will be the Winter Classic in February. Flames coming off two straight wins, including Saturday night against the Leafs we all saw because the CBC couldn't switch there fast enough. The Flames are 6-2-2 in their last 10 to get back to .500, working mightily to get back into the playoff picture after a miserable start to the season. Here's a pleasing stat - Habs are actually 4-1-1 in their last 6 at the Bell. A win would NOT tie the Habs' point total with the Bs, because I'm an idiot.

Magneto - as much as the Flames can be a villain. Unfortunately the other FHF has closed down so check out the amusing Dome Beers and their many pics of half-naked CHicks. So they're like FHF too.

Flying high like Spider-Man swinging from buildings - Big Bald Alex Auld is 2-0-0, 1.37, .941 in his last 3 and gets his first-ever Bell Centre start. PleXXXe and CHeez Whiz are a point per game over their last 4. For the Flames, Iggy has 5 points in his last 4, and some goalie named Henrik Karlsson is playing well.

Iceman (and not in a good kind of way) - Mexican and Gio both pointless in 3.

Damaged like The Hulk's pants - CHicken and CHeez Whiz (sounds delish!) are both suffering from the new "inner body injury" that is sweeping the team and are game-time decisions. Rumoured future Habs D Robyn Regehr is day to day with a leg injury.

Is it possible to have sex with an Invisible Woman? If she's played by Jessica Alba, I sure will try.

Bring your commenting superpowers to bear!

151 comments:

moeman said...

Too cool. Awesome work 29 et GG.

moeman said...

BTW, is The Canadien Guardian guarding the tags?

HabsFan29 said...

we have too many tags anyway. fixed

moeman said...

Thx Canadien Guardian.

Scorewatcher said...

"A win would tie the Habs' point total with the Bs" if they win a double-header on Martin Luther King day.

Chara looks like a comic book bad guy too

moeman said...

Bs just smacked Canes but good.

Orangeman said...

Something tells me you have sex with invisible women right before bed most nights. Too much information? Probably.

Chara with a hat trick? Ugh.

HabsFan29 said...

@Scorewatcher - ugh. fixed

Orangeman said...

So will Lee's 'the leaf' have the powers of ignoring reality at will and making high draft picks disappear?

Steve said...

@29 for this good work I forgive you for your JT faux paux.

@GG Stan Lee is going to sue your ass, amazing.

Does Chicken Soup even work on Chicken?

Steve said...

Speaking of Ms. Alba, I hope a Machete Mash up in our future.

Starring PFK as Machete.

moeman said...

WatCHing tsn tonight? Get ready for a dose of the disgusting harper ads.

iRiRi said...

The freezing cold might be affecting my brain but how can Auld be 2-0-0 in his last 3 games? :)



GYFHG!

HabsFan29 said...

@iRiRi - i agree it sounds weird. but that's what this says. maybe he only played part of a gme? though i think i'd remember that.

welcome home btw.

Start YF Game Start!

Number31 said...

I want those Habs tuques they're showing off in warm up to go with my other Heritage Classic tuque. Pompoms are cool.

GYFH!

moeman said...

I love PomPoms!

moeman said...

benoit brunet breathlessly says the Habs need to be ready tonight and also be ready for the return of, wait for it, Lapierre le canard.

Orangeman said...

PomPoms=Boobies, right?

iRiRi said...

WIZ IZ IN!

Tks, 29. Can't remember either.

moeman said...

Oman knows.

Also, speaking of boobs, hand-waving Joel says he 'doubted PFK'. These people get paid to spout.

I love Tuques!

moeman said...

I love ice CHream!

Orangeman said...

So Sportsnet West is talking over the national anthem. Isn't that...bad?

Moey said...

I used to have one of those big furry white hats with the pompom ties when I was a kid. I loved it and so did my cat, I thought he was hugging it. Duh.

moeman said...

rds rarely, if ever, shows the Canadian anthem.

Moey, that was visually funny/cute/funny.

Steve said...

@29 regarding all the math in your link that hurt my head. To many Americans on our team, they love to follow orders and thats the only reason Chocula remains the Vampire who does not fear sunrise.

HabsFan29 said...

oh Lego

moeman said...

LEGO!!!!

HabsFan29 said...

now, Lego!!!

Orangeman said...

SQUID!

iRiRi said...

Lego!!!

Orangeman said...

Errr, LEGO!

HabsFan29 said...

oh Squid. what a waste

moeman said...

Hand waving!

HabsFan29 said...

Squid!!!!

moeman said...

SQUID!!!! from Halpern!!!!! OY FUCKING VEY!!!

Orangeman said...

Now,

SQUID!

iRiRi said...

Squid!!!

About damn time too!

iRiRi said...

Brent Sutter looks like he's gonna puke on the bench!

lehab said...

My son asked why the hell I was Lego Lego, I told him to look it up in the glossary of the day... but its not there. We need an update

moeman said...

Hand waving!!

HabsFan29 said...

@lehab - fathers and sons enjoying FHF together. it's touching. we'll get that updated for you

HabsFan29 said...

Gill gets a puck in the face and just gets up and keeps skating, god bless him

Orangeman said...

Gee, this wide open hockey really seems to suit the players and results in chances and goals. Look for Chocula to put an end to that like he did in the 3rd last game.

HabsFan29 said...

ack! so close

still, an ok period i guess

moeman said...

Nice period. Why did the CotU media yip that playing the Flames was 'boring'?

Orangeman said...

Oh, Gio. You waste of cap space (too harsh?).

Orangeman said...

@moe: Because they're team is boring, but they try to pass it off on the opposition. Also, you'll find every time they win it's the most exciting game of the season.

moeman said...

@Oman, agree and as you know it was rhetorical as cbc/hnic knows boring, they just won't admit it. They are lucky to be a publicly-funded 'company' as they would be taken to task/court/jail/woodshed otherwise.

Number31 said...

Eller having a great game so far. Maybe his wife heard Tony Marinaro's daily pot-shots at him and passed it on. But really, consistently putting him with offensive linemates and you magically get some offense! Shocking, I know!

The Flames are generally taking up oxygen.

moeman said...

27 years ago and still soul shakin'.

moeman said...

Team 990s Tony 'Never laced up a pair of skates' Marinaro,
like his Francophone counterpart at CJAD Michel 'souffle
par la bouche' Langevin takes up to much oxygen.

HabsFan29 said...

oh c'mon

Orangeman said...

Ok, the whistle went first, but Gionta was obviously pushed into Kipper. So, really, the whistle shouldn't have gone. Oh well.

moeman said...

Habs must lead the league in no goal+subsequent penalty. NHL=Worst reffin' in pro sports.

moeman said...

"to much oxygen" = too much oxygen

moeman said...

Large breasts!!!

HabsFan29 said...

TITS!!!!

It's like firewagon hockey out there

iRiRi said...

Big Tits!!!

Orangeman said...

@moe: after visiting TO over the holidays and seeing some leaf and Saber games, the difference in officiating is palatable. I just wonder what bastardized version of hockey Southern 'fans' are learning.

TITS!

iRiRi said...

@31- Lego has a wife?! Nooooo. And I heard TM's shot at Eller today too. Just like everyday.

That creep is the definition of "arrogant asshole". His poor wife.

Moey said...

Dear Habs,

Can we have a blow-out please? You're long overdue.

Thanks.

moeman said...

JM, put da pédal to da médal!

moeman said...

Marinaro has a wife? Creepy.

moeman said...

Hand waving!

Orangeman said...

Uh, Bell Centre fans: Your team is up 3-0 and are buzzing around in a very entertaining game. Can we get a GO HABS GO or something.

the JEW!

HabsFan29 said...

WOOOOO

i dont know who that bounced off of, but we're having fun now!

moeman said...

Love the system! Challah!

iRiRi said...

Halpern!!!

HabsFan29 said...

4-0 or not, you cant just hook a guy down. unless the guy is a hab apparently

moeman said...

Is Iggs even playin'?

Orangeman said...

Remember when all those bounces just would not go our way? It's like god (Richard) himself is guiding the puck himself.

Number31 said...

Alex Auld's best friend are his goalposts.

Orangeman said...

Another one 'missed' by the refs. I hate sounding so paranoid. Maybe they should stop giving me reasons to be.

HabsFan29 said...

ah crap

Orangeman said...

This is where JM panics and enforces the 'system', where the Habs are outshot 40-8 the rest of the way and hang on for a one goal win.

I just can't be happy.

Seriously Bell Centre crowd, an ole or two?

Orangeman said...

See, I don't think that's a penalty either. At least they didn't lose a goal on it...

HabsFan29 said...

CHokula cannot be happy with all this skating and passing and shooting the puck

Anonymous said...

I WANNA SPANKING!!!!

Number31 said...

@Orangeman - check your sound, there have been many an ole.

Number31 said...

Of all the missed calls they call that one eh?

HabsFan29 said...

oh Lego. SO close to wings

Orangeman said...

Oh god.

HabsFan29 said...

FUCK

now im nervous. where's the fucking system when you need it?

moeman said...

System breakdown.

iRiRi said...

Um... about those wings..

Number31 said...

BRING BACK THE FIRST PERIOD HABS!

HabsFan29 said...

man that goalie change paid dividends

Orangeman said...

Habs are very good at making no-name back-up goalies look like Vezina candidates.

Orangeman said...

Sportsnet interviewer to Moen: "You don't really sit back on a lead and try to protect it, you try to build on it, right?"

You haven't watched a Habs game in years, have you?

Orangeman said...

Last time Habs scored 4 goals in a game: December 16 (4-3 vs Boston).

Last time Habs scored 4 5-on-5 goals in a game: December 2 (5-1 at NJ).

moeman said...

sportsnet is as anti-Habs as it gets, which means they are tsn/cbc/hnic clones. Their saving graces, Evanka and Martine.

Number31 said...

Karlsson is the goalie that I thought had fainting goat syndrome. (If you've ever seen him in a shootout, you'll understand why). Magically cured by the Habs, of course.

HabsFan29 said...

i may be too nervous to watch this period

HabsFan29 said...

ok forget nervous now IM FREAKING OUT

Orangeman said...

Fuck this team.

moeman said...

Start CHewin' your nails.

iRiRi said...

This is not happening. This is not happening. This is not happening.

HabsFan29 said...

/passes out the meth

moeman said...

There ya go.

Number31 said...

The Habs are generally taking up oxygen.

HabsFan29 said...

/passes 2nd hit of meth

iRiRi said...

There goes Carey's tuque...

Orangeman said...

Fuck this team.

Time for our own goalie change.

Can we change our D?

HabsFan29 said...

the system will go to work now

moeman said...

At least it ain't boring.

Number31 said...

Jacques Martin is generally taking up oxygen.

HabsFan29 said...

Bell crowd seems angry

Orangeman said...

This is sub-AHL defence.

HabsFan29 said...

FUCKING COUNT TO FIVE YOU FUCKS

Orangeman said...

Oh god, here we go.

Number31 said...

Well fuck how long does it take to get a stick?

Orangeman said...

If/when they lose it'll be bad enough, but the thought of the English media jerking off over it for the next week/month is too much to bare.

HabsFan29 said...

I must say I'm impressed how easily we're going to turn a 5-1 win into a 6-4 loss. that takes skill!

Moey said...

They had this game in the bag. *wails*

I was thinking during the second that they really needed to score another couple to be safe in case of their typical 3rd period meltdown.

iRiRi said...

All afternoon, I heard about how this was going to be a tight, low-scoring defensive game. A 6-4 loss is not what I had in mind. On a more positive note, we are cruising towards ice cream!

HabsFan29 said...

not even meth ice cream is going to cheer me up after this loss

Orangeman said...

On offence they look like a 95 year old faced with a vagina. On defence, they look like a 15 year old faced with a vagina.

iRiRi said...

29, you say that now...

Excellent simile, o-man.

HabsFan29 said...

o'man with the line of the night

moeman said...

Speaking of similes, J.T. must have shredded her Roget's.

Number31 said...

The Canadien: the power of absorption (for the meth) and magnification (to see the players).

Orangeman said...

Ok, Flames. We're in different conferences. Let's agree to get to OT. Even then we're the losers.

HabsFan29 said...

worst. point. ever.

iRiRi said...

Okay, so it won't be a 6-4 loss.

Do they even deserve a point, let alone 2?

Orangeman said...

No matter what happens, I won't be reading anything relating to hockey after this game. I can already hear the wolves circling in the media.

Number31 said...

Maybe JMart can blind them all with his tie.

moeman said...

PFK!!!!!!!!!

HabsFan29 said...

PK!!!!

iRiRi said...

PFK!!!

Orangeman said...

Yay?

Number31 said...

OH YEA! P FUCKING WINGS!

iRiRi said...

KFC wings!

HabsFan29 said...

HNIC media gonna rip PK for his little gesture celebration

moeman said...

Fuck HNIC!!!!!

Orangeman said...

Well, it's like picking up a really hot girl and finding out she has a dick when you get home. You get laid, but.....

I'm sexually frustrated, fyi.

moeman said...

30 years later, HNIC still shows 'tiger' williams' goal gloat.

Moey said...

That was almost a collapse of Bruin proportions. *wipes brow*

Orangeman said...

Now Habs are tied with Rangers for 6th (with a game in hand) and only 2 behind TB/WSH/BOS. ATL in OT.

moeman said...

Time to shuffle off to Buffalo. Maybe help rivet shovel something.

iRiRi said...

Does this mean Auld is now 2-0 in his last 4 games?

Orangeman said...

Even though this week looks easier after the stiff competition and road trips of the past month, two back-to-backs in different cities against .500 clubs isn't that wonderful. Hopefully they can pull it out. I mean slap it off. I mean pull it off.

HabsFan29 said...

someone get o'man a date, stat!

Number31 said...

Subban made that meltdown respectable. Also, 6th place?

moeman said...

0man meant rub one out.

moeman said...

56 to ice c r e ....

Orangeman said...

Ice <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VzXO9GQZBc>cream</a>

Just to keep with the theme.

Orangeman said...

Let try that again:

Ice cream?

Just to keep with the theme.

*I was going to delete my mistake, but it gets us closer to cream. I mean Ice Cream.

moeman said...

pjstock insinuating (cherry/english media style) that PFK! is 'unliked', 'different'. Wow, what year is it? What day is our American neighbour celebrating? There is something sick/wrong with this anti-Subban meme. Sick fucks. Sick, sick fucks.

iRiRi said...

Happy Martin Luther King Day!

I'm so fed up with all this PK hate. He's awesome, they're jealous. Period.

LJ said...

Price gets the W.. game was tied when he went in.

dwgs said...

PJ Stock is a fucking wankstain. He aspires to douchedom. He reminds me of guys I hated in high school, fucking mouthbreathing troglodyte. Cause once you leave high school (which was a very long time ago) you realize just how little these losers figure in the world at large. I like Mitch Melnick but I'll never forgive him for loosing that eedjit on the world.