Tuesday, January 25, 2011

We're planning the Habs' All-Star break for this Flyers preview and open thread


Ah, the All-Star break. A time when 1% of the league gathers for a useless 14-11 game and some photo ops, and the other 99% of the league does something else (hookers and blow). With all the Habs but TFS having a week off after tonight, we thought we'd provide a couple of handy suggestions as to how they should spend their time.

PatCHes - chest protector shopping

The Mexican - mentally prepare for traditional second half points explosion; alternative - meeting with financial planners

MOEmaN - dig up more dirt on CHokula to regain top 6 forward status

Tits - studying for kindergarten equivalency degree

Tommy Pyatt - actually get in some ice time

Hal Gill - potluck dinner preparation

PFK - attend Homer Simpson Showboating Academy for additional ideas to really piss Don Cherry off

Entire defensive corps - knee-strengthening exercises, and lots of 'em

Alex Auld - get kick-ass head tattoo

CHokula - sign up for "Get in Touch With Your Emotions" seminar at the Holiday Inn by the airport

CoaCH Kirk - resumé writing workshop

PleXXXe - beach time. You've earned it. Like you earned an ASG invite you didn't get, because the ASG is biased against two-way players.

OK let's set up the Phucktards with a little help from some other All-Star Games from around the world of sports.

Waiting for defense in an NBA ASG - 7:30 PM start in Philly, on Versus for all you 'Mericans. The Flyers are probably the best team in the league right now, and these are arguably the two hottest teams in the league in 2011. Flyers have gone 9-2-0 in January, while the Habs went 6-1-3 over the same span. This is the fourth and final meeting between the teams, the Flyers holding a 2-1 edge. A win would tie the Habs' point total with the Bs, though the Bs would have one game in hand.

Like the WNBA ASG; you really don't want to watch, but you can't turn away from the giant freaks - I expect some Broad Street Hockey drop-ins tonight. Play nice everyone!

Hot like Pete Rose barreling into Bob Ray Fosse in the 1970 ASG - PatCHes 4 points in his last 2, CHeez Whiz more than a point per game over his last eleven (and is now the Habs' 2nd-leading scorer if you count his Isles stats), and even Tits is getting points in his last couple of games. For the Flyers, Claude Giroux has 5 points over his last 2 and Mike Richards has 5 in 3. Bobrovsky is playing some damn fine goalie.

As useless as the Pro Bowl - given the teams' respective January records, it's no surprise that neither team has any really bad players right now. I just wanted to write that the Pro Bowl is useless.

If you get injured in an ASG you're either Ted Williams, Bob Ray Fosse, or an idiot - anyone notice how there is still no official announcement from the Habs on the state of Squid's shoulder? Anyone worried about that? Looks like Halpern should be back tonight tho. For the Flyers, Ian Laperierre is concussed on IR, and James van Riemsdyk (who had the GWG in both wins against the Habs this year) is day to day with a groin and questionable for tonight.

Post-game adult entertainment - All-Star Porn Girls! (really very completely totally NSFW)

Are you an all-star commentor? Prove it.

99 comments:

iRiRi said...

I haven't even read it yet but...

Shirtless hockey players!!!

soperman said...

I enjoyed the segment on what the team should do with their time off, though you guys are pretty harsh when it comes to big tits.

I wonder why PK hasn't been on the Simpsons yet? He needs to do something that will really piss off Cherry.

How can you say the ASG selection is biased when Kessel gets picked. FUCK?

Phucking Phylers :o(

GYFHG

WV - "filla" as in "Filladelphia sucks."

L Dude said...

Hey soperman, I think a nice little anti-military rant by PK would be enough to make Cherry's head explode. Or at least wear his 'hood' to the next Coach's Corner.

Also, what are the chances of RoboPM sending any of that $1,000,000,000 to the Halifax area for a stadium for the Women's World Cup (and then a CFL team)?

The odds of winning the $50,000,000 LotoMax is 1:85,900,584 and I figure the odds are slightly less than this for stadium funding from Harper.

Anyway, GYMFHG!!!!!!!!! (that's 9 !'s)

Steve said...

Great Suggestions but you missed,

Chicken -shoot the puck blindfolded at the garage door until you can hit the panel you visualized. Fucking let your fucking shot at the fucking net.

Lego -get pictures of Chocula, and complete the special Stanley Cup Lego in chrome package.

Double D, Aka Mini Mex aka CHcup. Buy Denis Savard a months supply of Native rollies and gets some tips on how to play big while small.

SChrabble - write a travel guide comparing Hamilton and Montreal.

Squid - total immersion in the Star Wars universe, the force Squid use the force.

Vodkov - just stay at a liter a day till playoffs, consult Doctors about just cutting the knee out and going with a plastic one.

Swiss Miss II - run around the house with eggs in your pocket, if you break one you have experienced contact.

Giant - carry double d on your shoulders every day.

Orange Pylon - get assistant coach stenciled on your side, cause your Mullers replacement.

Rink doubters, if they dont build the rink where will the Quebec Olympic hockey team practice?

Steve said...

This is a very serious match, if Montreal looses, go for the first round draft pick, cause Habs World can not take another Flyers fucking in the playoffs.

Orangeman said...

We want PK to make Cherry's head explode how about in an interview:

"My athetist friend and I were at a vegan potluck at a Islamic community centre in support of free needle exchange and condom distribution at elementary schools around Ground Zero. When our conversation about the unethical use of waterboarding and wiretapping ended with us agreeing that Canada's military presence in Afghanistan is illegal, we turned to our mutual admiration of Saku Koivu and how Europeans have definitely improved the game of hockey by challenging the instigator penalty and abolishing the ridiculous code only thugs follow. After we celebrated the widespread use of visors by high fiving in front of people who disagreed with us we visited a library in the gay village to attend a reading of the Koran in Spanish by Sinead O'Connor. Also, fuck the Briuns and Fuck the leaf. PRIMETIME."

the Maritimer said...

@Steve,
Agree, I am tired of watching the phucktards run roughshod over the smurfy Habs with Drabcula writing his memoirs behind the bench.

The Habs best hope to advance is to finish 6th or 7th and let Atlanta (big Buf) soften up the phuckers as much as possible and possibly eliminate them from the picture altogether. Then it's wide open to the Finals for anybody.

wv = testing...anybody home?

Michael said...

Wasn't it amazing that Bob Fosse was able to win an Oscar for directing Cabaret two years after being knocked out of the All-Star Game?

moeman said...

bob cold will now be known as bob fossil.

HabsFan29 said...

I always though Ray Fosse was a great dancer

J.T. said...

@GG: Thanks. :D

Bill 101 said...

@o-man

Bravo!!!

GYFHG!!

.. and nobody get hurt!

HabsFan29 said...

Steve and o'man are the all-stars in this thread so far

moeman said...

29, what do/will they win?

HabsFan29 said...

meth ice cream of course

iRiRi said...

Okay, now, I read it. Shirtless hockey player (kinda)!!!

Seriously, I'd love nothing more than to send the Flyers on their way for AS break with a loss. Hopefully, they've checked out already like when they lost 5-0 against Florida right before Xmas break.

Also, here are my plans for AS break. 1. Stalk and find Kirk Muller. 2. AttaCH self to his ankle. 3. Never let go. 4. Ever, I mean it.

GYFHG!!!

P.S. Are we doing that whole Flyers mind-fuck thingy again?

High Glove Side said...

some commenters injured or saving themselves for playoffs I guess

iRiRi said...

Footage of the Price & PK bromance!!!

Orangeman said...

I don't think I've mentioned it before, but a friend of mine recently adopted the dog she later found out was used with Cherry in a commercial of his. Apparently he really liked the dog and even re-named him. I should mention this friend is a lesbian social worker who spends her days with drug addicted sex workers. She is planning on sending this information along with pic of her and her lover with the dog to Cherry.

PRIMETIME.

HabsFan29 said...

@iRi - that vid is awesome!

PFK: "I'm just prettier"
TFS: "Hey Denzel, keep it down over there"

and they dance! and hit the buffet table together! we need a full 30 minute sitcom starring these two

Moey said...

YAY! Nice pic GG, I needed that. I had a dream last night about Antonio Banderas.

moeman said...

Hilarious that some dumb leaf gets punched in the face and all of toronto sports media is in a tizzy. Fucking self-aggrandizing morons.

bea.(drooling)Habs.fan said...

I'm with iRIRI.
can't get past a mostly naked PleXXXes!
OMG I'M GETTING MY KEYBOARD ALL WET!!!!!!

iRiRi said...

@29 - I know, righhht?! I'd pay to watCH that. Seriously, who do I write the CHeque to? We could call it... Help me out here.

HabsFan29 said...

I got a hundred titles Ri, but they all sound racist somehow. We'll have to go with something straightforward like "PK and The Saviour". It sort of sounds like "BJ and The Bear", but I'm not sure if that's a good sign

Anonymous said...

i think femmes they're talkin beefcake not bromance

Steve said...

@orangeman + many for all the touchstones you trampled on. For example when Irish Catholic Sinad Occner was on SNL and she ripped the photo of the Pope to shreds, did she know he had written a memo saying, molester priests are not to be reported to the secular authorities.

Now that all the Tunisian royalty are living in Montreal, can we at least expect cheaper gas prices?

iRiRi said...

@29 - I like it but it needs a "24/7" thrown in. I mean, surely HBO will want to get behind this.

Also, pretty sure Don CH(?)erry would have an aneurysm if this ever happened.

HabsFan29 said...

I NEED A PUCK DROP ALREADY

all games should start at 7. i need to be in bed by 10. plus the Hplyers just make me crotchety

J.T. said...

1. Kulemin is a dumbass who deserved to get punched in the chops. If he got a broken nose for his trouble, all the better. Uppity Russians have to learn their place.

2. The show should be called "Brothers in (Each Other's) Arms.

3. Muller can't go. That would be wrong because he's the only connection left with '93.

4. With GG's 'shop skillz, why would she stop at "nearly" nekkid Pleks? That's just teasing.

wv: I hope the Habs remember to cover the tralar on all those Flyers rushes.

Number31 said...

GYFH!

HabsFan29 said...

Brothers in (Each Other's) Arms

we have a writing team!

*Phlyers btw, in case that wasn't obvious. less scotch 'n meth, 29

FINALLY a puck drop. GYFHG KILL THOSE PHUCKTARDS

bea.(still drooling).Habs.fan said...

we've beaten them once this year we can do it again.

GYMFHFG

iRiRi said...

Renaud Lavoie just tweeted this: "Durant mes entrevues "warm up" M. Darche s'amuse à me donner des coups de bâton là où ça fait mal. Il dit que ça porte chance à son club."

I'm slightly disturbed but... hey, whatever it takes!

HabsFan29 said...

I'll gladly whack Renaud Lavoie with a stick if it helps

oh great fights already

bea.habs.fan said...

pile up - must be Philly

HabsFan29 said...

hehehe PFK has booing status in other arenas. awesome

HabsFan29 said...

Gomez shoot for fuck's sake

HabsFan29 said...

we have some jump. this is a good hockey game

HabsFan29 said...

oh Tits. not bright

HabsFan29 said...

oh c'mon it's just an arm

bhf said...

why are the habs still determined to give opponents 5 on 3?????
fuckin why?

great another one
why not let the phucktards just take potshots atPrice

HabsFan29 said...

yes, MORE penalties! pfk has to sit on the floor in the box

iRiRi said...

5-on-2 IS POSSIBLE?!?

HabsFan29 said...

well that wasn't surprising

bea.pissed habs.fan said...

FUCK
I'm not going to watch for a while or I might break something

HabsFan29 said...

CRAP

is it still a 5 on 3?

iRiRi said...

FUCK.

iRiRi said...

It's time for JM to start breaking things on the bench.

HabsFan29 said...

ooh pfk that was close

except for the last 4 minutes, great period!

Number31 said...

New suggestions for how they should spend their time off:

Wiz - To purge his inner-Komisarek.

Rest of the team - TO STOP TAKING STUPID PENALTIES.

Hal Gill - To be meaner in front of the net 'stie...

moeman said...

What did I miss?

Moey said...

Fuck Francois Gagnon and fuck RDS. I can't stand looking at the sorry lot of them far less listen to their shite. I've muted it. No Habs TSN until Feb 15th. FUCK.

Number31 said...

I hate François Gagnon... Last time he "scooped" something, the season went to hell. That fucker has no idea when is an appropriate time to release "news" (and frankly not naming your sources in such an article smells of speculation the size of Eklund).

bea.habs.fan said...

Rangers are losing - that's a good thing and makes up for this game

HabsFan29 said...

well that was quick. FUCK

maybe I'll watch the State of the Union speech. less painful

iRiRi said...

WTF? I barely got back in time to watch the 2nd and it's 3-0? 3 TO FUCKING 0?!

Number31 said...

Looks like they've already given up. Pylons are supposed to be orange, guys.

bea.habs.fan said...

wait how did it become 3-0 already?
damn it blink and the game is practically out of reach..

but not for our new come-from-behind Habs, so
GYMFH - have Philliards for dinner

Moey said...

Oh great, CJAD is about 5 seconds ahead of the play, Progner scored long before he had the puck. *sigh*

Moey said...

Progner? Never mind.

moeman said...

Shirtless PleXXXe heXXXe?

iRiRi said...

Just want to say, I FUCKING HATE THE FUCKING FLYERS.

ti-cul said...

thr system @ work...

Moey said...

@31,

You're so right. Gionta, Markov, the tit brothers and so on. He gets paid to piss off Habs fans.

Number31 said...

Just clear the rink and let the Flyers go 1-on-1 with Price. Oh wait, they already are...

ti-cul said...

mcsplooge going apeshit yet?

iRiRi said...

Flyers are one of only 2 teams this season to not have won a game by shutout. Oh, the other team, you ask? The leafs, of course!

iRiRi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ti-cul said...

mini double D!!!

Number31 said...

DD! And then another post.

HabsFan29 said...

I went away to eat and masturbate and we scored. I'll do it all night if I have to!

Moey said...

Wow, it's really weird to hear the goal and then watch the play catch up on the ice.

bea.habs.fan said...

lovely they score after I stop paying attention.
glad to see they haven't given up.
(I should read my own posts)

Moey said...

VW - cklene

I hope 29's oven mitts are cklene.

Number31 said...

TOO MANY MEN IS YOUR PROBLEM JACQUES!

Scorewatcher said...

and the Rangers tie it up too

Number31 said...

TOO MANY MEN AND HAMR ON YOUR PK IS ALSO A PROBLEM JACQUES!

HabsFan29 said...

All Habs over the All-Star break - practicing counting to five

bea.habs.fan said...

Price leaves the ice with the weight of the world on his shoulder, wishing the game was already over
and hopefully coming p with ways to smack all Flyer players @ the ASG

Number31 said...

Equipment manager was confused as to why there was an order for Sesame Street DVDs. Now he understands why...

moeman said...

Good one Esther.

Number31 said...

White looking for something. Ref says no. Now bugging Richards heeheehee...

ti-cul said...

phucktards can't sing

ti-cul said...

c'mon patch hit phucktard HIT HIM FOR FUCK SAKE!

Number31 said...

Darche uses the power of the Dark Side.

Loved how Patches, bad ribs and all, was the first one to stand up for DD.

Moey said...

Let's look on the bright side, if they own us during the reuglar season we'll surely beat them in a playoff round, riht? *laughs hysterically, pours another drink*

LeBuuuuut said...

I'm sick of Bobrovsky

Number31 said...

Habs have no idea how to handle life with an empty net behind them.

Moey said...

Pat Hickey had it right, in not so many words, there was no sense of urgency in the room to beat the Flyers and Price's head was up his all star ass this morning.

Stupid Habs, this was a measuring stick.

Hadulf said...

This game was a psyche...Yes. I know it. The System will kick in when we see the phucktards in the playoffs.

phucking phans can't phucking sing. At least if you want to poke, make it right!

LeBuuuuut said...

31, the Habs have no idea how to handle life with an empty net in front of them, either. I'm always amazed at how they fail to score on it the rare times it makes an appearance.

Orangeman said...

Fuck the Phlyers and their dirty asses.

See you in a week.

ti-cul said...

phuck the phlyers and their dhirthy hass

ti-cul said...

hasses

ti-cul said...

arses

ti-cul said...

fuck em. no congrats

chris nilan said...

Fuck You Flyers.

Fuck You Martin.

everyone else.... have a great all star break!

Mr. natural said...

well tried not watching or posting in the hopes that I could break the PHucktard curse but to no avail.

Now looking at the stats I see that insult has been added to injury as PHuckPHace Carcillo scored and we got a too many men on the ice penalty and our PK sucked hind tit.


I think this team has hope but first we have to find a way to kill the PHucktards.

I'm going to go sit in the corner an cry now......