Saturday, October 23, 2010

Habs need some sort of new PP strategy - Sens preview and open thread


Look, we're not saying the Habs PP is bad. We're saying it's fucking TERRIBLE. Look at the stats. A grand total of ONE goal in 20 chances for a 5% success rate. 0 for 11 at the Bell. Miraculously, we're only 29th, not 30th, in the league. But it's not just the numbers. The boys look totally lost out there. They can barely get set up, and when they do, maybe they manage to get a shot from the point, it goes wide, and the other team clears it. Thrilling! Habs need drastic action, and they need it now.

While we often (justifiably) laugh at Count Chokula, we realize he's not a (complete) idiot and no doubt the PP would have been at the top of his list of things to work on at practice yesterday. Then on-ice practice was canceled when the lights went out in Brossard. So you'd think the Habs would be fucked. Fear not, for FHF has come up with some suggestions to help out the PP, at no charge:
  • Play 5 defensemen. They always say if the PP is struggling put a forward at the point, but I say go the opposite way. Put Hal Gill in front of the net. Let PFK play with the puck down low. Captain Picard has as many goals as Gio or The Mexican, might as well use him. Fucking Josh Gorges has our only PP goal this year, let him loose!
  • Get some CHicks in front of the net. If there is one thing Montreal has in abundance, it's hot chicks. Let's use them to our advantage. If you think Sean Avery waving a stick in a goalie's face is distracting, could you imagine the ass of some of Chez Paree's top talent? 
  • Rush only four skaters. Keep one guy back in our own zone in case of a SH chance. This will free up space in the offensive zone;
  • Get those ghosts working for us. Hire a medium to stand behind the bench and call up the ghost of Howie Morenz when the Habs go on the PP. Even if he counts as one of the five skaters, he can't score any fewer goals than CHicken;
  • The players get nervous at the Bell because they know the fans will get on them when the PP sucks, so get rid of the fans. When the PA announces the penalty, he should also say "and we ask you all to leave your seats to go get a beer." Playing to an empty arena will allow the players and the CHick in front of the net to concentrate and get the job done.
With these suggestions, I'm confident we can turn the PP around. Let's set this baby up.

Pregame Points - 7 PM in Kanata. On CBC for viewers in Quebec and Ottawa. Habs had that nice comeback win against the Sens just last week, but are now coming off that mess against Fat Marty. After just a disastrous start to the season, Sens came up with a 4-2 win over the Sabres last night, led by Alfie's hat trick and his thousandth point.

Perfect Prose - It's too bad the Sens had a good game last night, because SLC was on the verge of an epic meltdown that would have been bad for his health, but hysterical for his readers.

Powerful Players - For the Sens, the aforementioned Captain, and Gonchar may be starting to turn it around. For the Habs, uh, Big Tits I guess might still be considered hot.

Neither powerful nor players - CHicken, CHicken, CHicken. He's so bad we may soon remove the CH from his name. Giant Mexican need to report for the start of the season, though I guess their rotating wing is not helping. For the Sens, Kovy is goalless and leads his team on the minus side of the +/- ledger, leading to his GM calling him out. Good luck with that strategy, Bryan.

People in Pain - Still no Vodkov, the soon-to-be anchor of our 5-D PP strategy. For the Sens, Spezz sat out last night and Pascal Leclaire remains out, both with a groin injury.

Postgame Penis enlargers - As it is Hockey Fights Cancer Awareness Night in Ottawa for the game, we think it's in poor taste to present adult entertainment. Fortunately, Coed Magazine has no such scruples and presents the Top 60 Breasts in Support of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Let's hear your suggestions for the PP in the comments

97 comments:

Anonymous said...

wow - nice boots

wv: we need some PP pucks inthe net

GYFH

Number31 said...

Right now, the only Hab with a good long-distance accurate wrist shot is....Carey Price. Solution, he can't cross the red line so let him launch pucks from just behind it while the rest of the guys cover the net and play goalie for a change.

Or yea, put Hal Gill up front but that's just woah waaaay too radical a concept for Martin.

Or, you know, call up Yannick "Swiss Mister 2.0 off to a better start than last year" Weber, he of 5 goals in 5 games and many multi-point games, and leading the AHL in points/goals/PPgoals as a defenceman. At the very least, he could break some legs with that shot for those who dare to block it (hopefully not Habs).

Ronan said...

I miss our other Swiss Mister... no, not that guy on Long Island. I mean Glen I-take-slapshots-in-shooting-accuracy-competitions Metropolit, he of the 10 powerplay goals. Come back, Metro, we Zug you!

bea.habs.fan said...

at this point only a sacrifice to the hockey gods will change anyhting.
rather than ALL the player's sticks (except ironies of ironies Gorges), and given that finding a virgin in this hotbed of hot chicks is nigh impossible, may I suggest a CHicken? it's not like he's doing anything

moeman said...

Well played and powerful work by GG et 29.

Maybe The Goat can call The Urologist. Don't be surprised if BR answers the phpne. Otherwise I'm with Esther, put Price on the PP.

G Y F H PP!

Steve said...

Anne Hathaway has breasts, that is like Chicken discovering a deke. There is only one player who knows what the game is a foot means. It is PFK, the whole team should be his support group, give the puck to PFK and sit back with your sticks on the ice. Chocula you have nothing on me,

intin is my WV, yes I am Tin Tin and I am sorry about the Congo

Number31 said...

So bored... Drop the fucking puck already. Don't care if it's a shitty game or a good game just GYFH!

L Dude said...

I figured the Laffs are in Philly. Habs are playing an all-Canadian match-up. Habs nationwide on HNIC. Nope. Quebec and Ottawa. Fuck you CBC. Yes, I have RDS. And I think the game may be shown on Centre Ice. But whatever. Fuck you CBC. I say that already? One more time. FUCK YOU cbc. That's better.

I'm with GG. The Goat should give the Oil a call. Tell them to put Souray on re-entry (Oops - just lost GG11 on that statement) and they'll grab him IF they'll take Spacek back for say a 8th round pick or something so it doesn't look fishy.

Battling a flu bug. This game better not make me sick like the NJ game did!

RiRi said...

All I ask is for a goal or two tonight.

Actually, scratch that. I DEMAND A FREAKIN' WIN! It's the least they can do after the snoozefest I witnessed Thursday. The only good part was meeting LG77!

GYFHG!!!

Orangeman said...

First game in 8 years, shutout sleeper. Unbelievable hangover the next day after trying to drink it all away. Find out I wasn't invited to what I thought was a good friend's wedding. Bombed a midterm this afternoon, have another tomorrow morning (that's right, SUNDAY FUCKING MORNING). Develop crippling cold.

I'm on my way to Arahova to pick up a vat of Tzatziki. And it may not be the most politically correct thing to say, but I will punch the crack addicts on St. Catherines in the face if they ask me for money again. I WISH I had time to be a crack addict.

Go Habs...Oh, just score a god damned PP goal, you fucking wankers.

RAINBOWS AND LOLIPOPS!

Moey said...

L Dude,

I'd be more than happy to pluck Souray.....*ahem*..off waivers.

However, I don't think we have the cap space even at half his salary.

Anyhoo, been running around like a blue arsed fly all day, time to pour a glass of red.

GYFHG!!!!

HabsFan29 said...

ok let's get this show on the road for fuck's sake

@o'man - god that's good tzaziki. you walking distance from the crack addicts on ste cath? we live in the same neighbourhood. 20 years they've been asking me for change now

Orangeman said...

@29: Yeah, but I've got the St. C Ouest crack addicts. They're loud but harmless. St. C Est crackheads? No thanks.

One of them had the nerve to ask me for money while I was moving all my stuff in alone last month. I offered him $10 to help me carry my mattress up one storey. He declined. Unbelievable. Well, totally believable actually.

Enough typing. I can't eat Arahova while typing.

Number31 said...

Souray? I think we have enough pylons on D no? Well, at least he's a good looking pylon.

GYFH

Orangeman said...

Ok, went to cbc.ca to stream the game and only found the Leaf feed. Started process of buying plane ticket to Toronto to burn something down. Then found stream, greeted by Drew Barrymore. Urge to kill fading. Now the stream won't work. SONOFABITCH

HabsFan29 said...

o'man i'm west too. the crack addicts and i are old friends by now

HabsFan29 said...

are they booing Kovy? hahaha. or is it the Habs fans booing him? either way im amused

bea.habs.fan said...

is there more Habs fans than Sens? I can here booing of Kovy and cheers when the Habs have the puck?
where are they plating again?

HabsFan29 said...

TITS!!!!!

moeman said...

Large breasts!

moeman said...

@bea, been to many Habs vs. Zzzzzzens games in the corn field and the crowd is usually 50/50.

bea.habs.fan said...

i celebrated so hard, I spilled wine all over.
so my tits got to celebrate too

HabsFan29 said...

review that shit. kicked in

bea.habs.fan said...

YES

moeman said...

Spilt wine should be licked up.

Hear the roar of the crowd, heh.

Number31 said...

I would like to send Picard back to Ottawa.

GoldenGirl11 said...

@Orange
Only laugh of my day! Man, I needed that. And why are you watching the game on the computer? Don't you own a tv now that you live in Montreal?

HabsFan29 said...

PP! Get the 5 D ready

Orangeman said...

@GG11: I honestly haven't had time to set up cable or even get the required wire to watch the game on that giant TV. I'm making an appointment for the first week of November.

@29: We're neighbours? I'll have to look out for you. Perhaps I'll stalk the local oven mitt shop.

Number31 said...

Powerfailure Play...

HabsFan29 said...

another successful PP by not allowing a shorty

Moey said...

PP is a shambles.

HabsFan29 said...

o'man all my oven mitts come from the Dollar Store in Faubourg. may explain why i keep burning my fingers

Orangeman said...

I was going to get a mitt there too the other day but then I decided that my hands and home are actually safer without it. I think the main fabric is abestos.

moeman said...

29, the teflon side is for picking up the hot pots and pans not the hot MTL babes.

Also, millen is beyond horrible. How does this putz have this job. I can understand his leaf tv joint gig but this? eesh.

Orangeman said...

Oh good. Ron McLean is saying that the fan in Minnie can't complain about being attacked because other Minnie fans cheered a fight earlier in the year. Wait...what?....When Don fucking Cherry thinks you're connecting make believe dots in order to protect a thug, you know you have problems.

moeman said...

Pre-game show mclame spouts hits to the head are bad, then he rubs up against cherry and he just loves him the thugs. Someone needs to wipe that fucking smirk off his 3/4 Million dollar tax-payer paid fucking $alaried face.

HabsFan29 said...

Millen getting caches fired stories are worth his crappy analysis

HabsFan29 said...

*coaches fired. though maybe caches is a good tech joke for moe

HabsFan29 said...

oh man what a SH chance.

RiRi said...

HELL YEAH, PK!

moeman said...

4 U iOS kidz, RDS and NHL Gamecenter apps are free and available. Took RDS 2 years to develop theirs. Bonus no Benoit or BR.

moeman said...

heh

and

29 meant caCHes.

Number31 said...

Wooooah a 3-on-1! Too bad two of those guys were Moen and Gill... Pleks should have just shot it...

Number31 said...

Hi Bob!

Orangeman said...

I just remembered that I saw Louis CK on the way to the game on Thursday. I recognized him but initially thought I knew him from my life, like a neighbour or something, so I just did the nod and a non-commital 'hey'. Then I realized who he was and turned around and said something to the effect of "Oh, no....shit!" I'm not much of a star seeker, but I ended up looking even dumber than one.

Number31 said...

Price just saved Picard's ass AGAIN. Twice actually.

HabsFan29 said...

atta way to take a pounding Jeff!

RiRi said...

Bwa ha ha. BB just said the Habs should score on the PP to send Ottawa a message. As if...

moeman said...

icken!

HabsFan29 said...

FINALLY! PP! CHicken!

i may faint

RiRi said...

CHicken!!!

bea.habs.fan said...

not only a PP goal but CHicken!!!

Orangeman said...

Technically it was even strength apparently. Of course.

Number31 said...

Chicken tonight!
@Number31 Alright Pouliot, you're gonna score tonight. #gohabsgo

HabsFan29 said...

more tits!!

moeman said...

Tétons!

RiRi said...

BIG TITS!

Number31 said...

How many times will they run into Price? Are they trying to kill him?

Also BELAMULLET!

bea.hf said...

WOW tits on fire

Orangeman said...

Is it wrong that I get madder and madder with each goal after being denied last game? Couldn't save one of those for last game, boys?

I'm just bitter and self-pitying tonight. This site is turning me Jewish.

Number31 said...

DRINK every time a Hab gets obstructed and there's no penalty called. You will be drop dead drunk by the end of this game.

moeman said...

Disaronno!

Number31 said...

I like Disaronno. Only it's at my parents house :(

moeman said...

I make pancakes and drizzle some Disaronno'd applesauce on them. Disaronno!

Number31 said...

Wow. That sounds good... I gotta try that.

HabsFan29 said...

sounds good is right. too bad i have no Disaronno. will pancakes with meth applesauce work?

bhf said...

@29 is that the meth eternally promised us?
then we better get some of that applesauce.

next game @ HF29!!

moeman said...

Don't CHeat kidz. Cut up some apples. Lightly brown some butter in a pan. Add apples. Medium heat to soften them up. Add Disaronno! (no need for sugar). Cook down to your fave consistency. Tastes just as good on latkes. NB - cinnamon, gloves, ginger or nutmeg to CHoice. I prefer au naturel.

beahf said...

@moe
I should stop reading your posts, they always make me hungry (and this after a splendid dinner!!!!!)
I can feel the calories j

moeman said...

BTW, same recipe but with oranges and Grand Marnier.

Also fun, add a few splashes of GM to some barely softened butter. Whip vigourously. Roll into sausage form on saran wrap. Fridge. Cut slices for pancakes.

Man, these gourmet tips are sounding sexy.

RiRi said...

Man, this PP has become some kind of awful....

RiRi said...

You guys are gonna have me whipping up a batch of pancakes any minute now!

moeman said...

ReeRee meant batCH.

GoldenGirl11 said...

@Orange
Add a complaint about a chronic pain and you skip ahead in the conversion. Complain about your mother, criticize your sister, separate milk from meat and boom, you're wearing a yarmulka to your exam tomorrow.

moeman said...

Doubt the hnic will 'cut away' to their incredible leaf tonight as they are losing 5-2. Should our Habs play to win they would have the same incredible W-L record.

OTT announcers thanks Sens Army for the 20,300+ in attendance. Yeah, sure. Half them fans are particiPants! du Canadien de Montréal. Have fun driving home.

Number31 said...

Sens fans already left. Actually even when they're winning they leave early. That parking lot is hell and they all got a long drive home.

RiRi said...

CAREY! CAREY!

HabsFan29 said...

ah, some good gooning it up Ottawa

RiRi said...

LEAVE PK ALONE, ASSHOLES!

bea.hf said...

Price with a shut-out

fuck yeah!!!!!!!!!

RiRi said...

TFS SHUTOUT!!!

Yes, I've been waiting to type that since the end of the 1st.

HabsFan29 said...

shutout fuck yeah!!!!

im so happy for Carey

QUICK CBC switch to the Leafs game please. there you go

HabsFan29 said...

i can't tell you CBC how important it was to see those last 40 seconds of the Leafs being crushed instead of the Price celebration. fuck you

Number31 said...

Well, Fatso might shut out the Habs alot, but HEY PRICE HAS THREE SHUTOUTS ON THE SENS! WOOO!

And fuck off Sens. How many clean hits did they retaliate on? What's with Clouston sending out Carkner, Neil, Ruutu at the end of a losing game too... Bush league.

moeman said...

Nice team win. Easy shutout for TFS™ but he deserves it. Take the 2 points. Bag em. Tits!

cbc/hnic aren't hockey fans, they are leaf fans.

moeman said...

Habs win.

Bs' and leaf lose.

Life is good.

Disaronno!

Moey said...

HNIC = WANKERS

WTF, and as usual, Cherry is talking about the leafs loss. FFS.

Toodles peeps. Off to finish packing.

HabsFan29 said...

Cherry just saved his ass in my eyes by showing Dallas ice girls. but his "he deserved it" comment (re getting shoved from behind into the boards by a Leaf) was pathetic

PFK with the dynamite interview

Number31 said...

Don Cherry is such a fucking idiot. "Campoli aimed for PK's leg on purpose". Right. Sure. Campoli wasn't even looking.

And show me that punch on Colby Armstrong again. Mwahahaha~! I think Saku smiled on that.

moeman said...

Kidz, the quote of the night is "glen healy KNOWS five players are out to kill Subban".

Hey, NHL HQ, maybe look into this and either qualify healy or make cherry eats his fucking words. The hate the cbc/hnic has for the Habs is sickening.

hfotwc said...

fuck cbc
fuck the sens
fuck the broons and pj stock
fuck the fuckin leafs
fuck bert raymoondz
fuck jack ass le turd
fuck cbc again
fuck fuck fuck and fuck don retard la cerise
and fuck cbc again

but gros teton, pk, squid, carey; YEAH!!!

Number31 said...

Hahahaha! Jaro also got a shutout tonight. Against the Pens. And with Eberle's shorthanded goal (still stealing Hall's thunder), all I need is an Oilers win and this night ends perfect.

Anonymous said...

need to get clarity on dogma

They win a stinker and it is a grand offence to the HOCKEY GODS

We win a stinker and.. YEAH BABY WE ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

correct?

cbc sucks said...

cbc is so anti habs, they're even cheering for KC over the Bulldogs right now

cbc;everything toronto said...

sorry Oklahoma City! cheering for who?

Number31 said...

Really, Anonymous? There was way more up/down back/forth action and intensity and actual goals (instead of weird bounce off crap goals) then that snoozefest the Devils shoved on us. A stinker it was not. Sloppy at times, yes, but hardly a stinker.