Look, we're not saying the Habs PP is bad. We're saying it's fucking TERRIBLE. Look at the stats. A grand total of ONE goal in 20 chances for a 5% success rate. 0 for 11 at the Bell. Miraculously, we're only 29th, not 30th, in the league. But it's not just the numbers. The boys look totally lost out there. They can barely get set up, and when they do, maybe they manage to get a shot from the point, it goes wide, and the other team clears it. Thrilling! Habs need drastic action, and they need it now.
While we often (justifiably) laugh at Count Chokula, we realize he's not a (complete) idiot and no doubt the PP would have been at the top of his list of things to work on at practice yesterday. Then on-ice practice was canceled when the lights went out in Brossard. So you'd think the Habs would be fucked. Fear not, for FHF has come up with some suggestions to help out the PP, at no charge:
- Play 5 defensemen. They always say if the PP is struggling put a forward at the point, but I say go the opposite way. Put Hal Gill in front of the net. Let PFK play with the puck down low. Captain Picard has as many goals as Gio or The Mexican, might as well use him. Fucking Josh Gorges has our only PP goal this year, let him loose!
- Get some CHicks in front of the net. If there is one thing Montreal has in abundance, it's hot chicks. Let's use them to our advantage. If you think Sean Avery waving a stick in a goalie's face is distracting, could you imagine the ass of some of Chez Paree's top talent?
- Rush only four skaters. Keep one guy back in our own zone in case of a SH chance. This will free up space in the offensive zone;
- Get those ghosts working for us. Hire a medium to stand behind the bench and call up the ghost of Howie Morenz when the Habs go on the PP. Even if he counts as one of the five skaters, he can't score any fewer goals than CHicken;
- The players get nervous at the Bell because they know the fans will get on them when the PP sucks, so get rid of the fans. When the PA announces the penalty, he should also say "and we ask you all to leave your seats to go get a beer." Playing to an empty arena will allow the players and the CHick in front of the net to concentrate and get the job done.
Pregame Points - 7 PM in Kanata. On CBC for viewers in Quebec and Ottawa. Habs had that nice comeback win against the Sens just last week, but are now coming off that mess against Fat Marty. After just a disastrous start to the season, Sens came up with a 4-2 win over the Sabres last night, led by Alfie's hat trick and his thousandth point.
Perfect Prose - It's too bad the Sens had a good game last night, because SLC was on the verge of an epic meltdown that would have been bad for his health, but hysterical for his readers.
Powerful Players - For the Sens, the aforementioned Captain, and Gonchar may be starting to turn it around. For the Habs, uh, Big Tits I guess might still be considered hot.
Neither powerful nor players - CHicken, CHicken, CHicken. He's so bad we may soon remove the CH from his name. Giant Mexican need to report for the start of the season, though I guess their rotating wing is not helping. For the Sens, Kovy is goalless and leads his team on the minus side of the +/- ledger, leading to his GM calling him out. Good luck with that strategy, Bryan.
People in Pain - Still no Vodkov, the soon-to-be anchor of our 5-D PP strategy. For the Sens, Spezz sat out last night and Pascal Leclaire remains out, both with a groin injury.
Postgame Penis enlargers - As it is Hockey Fights Cancer Awareness Night in Ottawa for the game, we think it's in poor taste to present adult entertainment. Fortunately, Coed Magazine has no such scruples and presents the Top 60 Breasts in Support of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
Let's hear your suggestions for the PP in the comments