Saturday, January 15, 2011

Miss Moore is pretty pissed we're so late handing out FHF's half-season grades for this Rangers preview and open thread


Some blogs like to give out half-season grades or rankings or reviews or whatever. So do we! But after 41 games, we really didn't know what kind of team we had. But after 44 games, we sure do! So with the help of Miss Moore, we'll be handing out some mid(-ish)-season grades in a sec. First, let's set up the Rangers game, Twitter-style, considering we already played them this week:

7P start Bell, CBC, Squid TFS in, PatCHes gametime dec, Tits dead. More of Miss Moore (NSFW) post-game entertainment. Was that 140 characters or less? On to the grades! WARNING - actual hockey analysis ahead. Ha! I keed, I keed. I have no fucking clue what I'm talking about.

Big Bald Alex Auld (A-) - Did you know he's got a 1.74 GAA and a .941 save %? I didn't. He's been right there in every game he's played. He should probably get an incomplete considering "every game he's played" is only five of them, but fuck, I had to give an A range grade to someone, otherwise the curve would have been wrecked.

SuperpleXXXe (B+) - I guess he's been our most consistent forward all year, though that's not saying much. Even when he's not getting points (which seems to happen more and more lately) he's still out there busting his butt on every shift, PP, or PK.

TFS (B+) - After a quarter of the season he would have been an A+++, but lately, meh. I don't even think he deserves to be an All-Star to be honest. I'd take Thomas, Pavelec and Lundqvist out of the East right now.

CHeez Whiz (B) - Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster he showed up when he did, or our D would consist of Hamr, PFK and my mom. Though mom's an excellent shot-blocker.

Gio (B) - A pretty lame just over half a point per game pace, but a work ethic others (cough Tits cough) could learn from. A fine captain. I've almost forgotten ol' Saku what's his face.

DarCHe (B) - he does what he's supposed to do.

Hamr (B-) - with Gorges gone, as close as we have to a rock on defense right now. Ugh.

Gill (B-) - or maybe Gill is the rock of the defense now? Double ugh.

Halpern (B-) - For the first quarter everyone talked about what an awesome off-season pickup he was. Now, you barely hear his name mentioned anywhere. Maybe he's just disappeared into the shadows, which I guess could be a good thing for a 3rd/4th liner. Exemplary attendance record - one of only 3 players to play all 44 games.

Squid (B-) - invisible lately (even before he caught the strep throat of death), but for the first 15 games or so of the season Squid-Tits-PleXXXe was one of the best lines in the league. Do you remember that? I do not.

The Mexican (C+) - reverse of Squid. Dead for the first quarter, showing some signs of (barely) life lately. His salary has not figured into this grade. If it did, F.

PFK (C+) - held up well through the benchings and the Toronto media-created controversies, so extra credit there. He just isn't the thrilling player game in game out we thought we were getting after what we saw in the playoffs last year. Probably not be his fault (see "CHokula", below).

SpatCHes (C) - his good games are great, his bad games are terrible, which averages out to average, i.e. a C.

Tits (C) - sure he's dead now, but see Squid's note above. We all LOVED him for the first 15 games this year. I know you don't remember, but it's true.

Lego (C) - shows flashes he could be a great player. The flashes come once every 7 or 8 games.

CHicken (C) - shows flashes he could be a great player. The flashes come once every 7 or 8 games.

MOEmaN (C) - meh. Does not have the offensive skills to do what Chokula seems to want him to do for some bizarre reason.

Captain Picard (C) - he's just, there. A little too often for my tastes, frankly.

Pyatt (D) - Haven't heard his name in months. Is he still on the team?

Incompletes - Vodkov, Gorges (too depressing to write about), Swiss Mister II, PatCHes, Dustin Boyd, Double D.

The CoaCHes

CHokula (D-) - The "system" is a joke. Habs can't score. May have destroyed PFK forever. Essentially ran Rhino out of town just when we needed him. Inexplicably believes Moen is a scorer and a top 6 forward. Broke up the only decent line we had all year (Squid-PleXXXe-Tits). Loves Captain Picard a little too much. Bench management questionable at best. Often appears not to be alive during games. The only reason it's not an F is that hey, the Habs are in a playoff position.

Rest of staff (B+) - just hand Muller the top job already before someone else snaps him up.

OK, go ahead and tell me I'm an idiot in the comments.

94 comments:

Number31 said...

Meh. Fuck the grades and SCORE SOME FUCKING GOALS!

Tom said...

Should have traded Kostitsyn when he was hot at the beginning of the season.

No chance of Martin going anywhere after his "system" worked so well in the playoffs last year.

By the way, if you want to have an idea of what will happen to Subban, look at how Martin pretty much destroyed Jason Spezza in his first few years in the league. Spezza's best seasons all came after Jacques left the Sens. Before that, he was sending Spezza to the minors, not dressing him for the playoffs, and basically insulted him by calling "a boy playing in a mens league".

Think about that last statement. When was the last time you heard Martin say anything negative about his players? That was pretty harsh at the time.

All that and a bag of pucks said...

Could you imagine having Wisnewski and Rhino as a paring? I don't really see a lot of difference between Liles and the Wiz in playing style.

WV I think most of usall would rather have O'Byrne that Picard (a C? are you nuts?)

Moey said...

I want Pronger.

ti-cul said...

@Moey: you want Pronger...
Dead?
Ill?
Injured?
Castrated?
In a fight with GSP?

ti-cul said...

For dullness and drabness JM gets A+++
Forhis tie & suit f-

the Maritimer said...

@29: I agree with most of your grades, AK46 = D-, however.

I'm glad other people have recognized the "system" for what it is. Uhhh....

Moey, I was talking to a friend yesterday about how if the Habs put Desharnais, Gionta and Cammalleri out together on a power play, Pronger could probably keep all three of them at bay...by himself!!!

Sidenote: got to see Sean Couturier play live last night. Really good player, big, strong and an excellent skater. I'd love for the Habs to get him, but Chokula would ruin him by forcing all creativity out of his body and instilling the "system" into his mind and soul.

moeman said...

Agree with most grades but AK4.6 deserves a lower mark.

Otherwise bang on 29. Maybe Miss Moore will let your clean the brushes.

Also, K.M. ♥ GG11, nice tableau touCHé!

And give Mom29 an A+.

G Y F H G!

Moey said...

ti-cul,

I want Pronger on our team right.fucking.now. He's nice and rested, he'll be a beast for the stretch run to the playoffs.

*sigh*

Orangeman said...

So the Rangers are moaning and complaining that PFK slew footed Dubinski last game. Sorry, I can't take any whining seriously from a team that has Sean motherfucking Avery on it. The league should fine the Rangers every game he dresses. And don't get me started on Torterella (sp? I don't care about that jackass enough to look it up).

And the campaign to destroy PK Subban marches on. Have we ever seen such an effort to discredit a rookie? Frak, didn't Heatley kill someone in his first couple of years in Atlanta?

Orangeman said...

Oh, and Boston finally loses! Time to chip away boys!

iRiRi said...

I'd agree with these grades. Thing is, I don't know what to think of this team as a whole anymore. The "offense" bores me to tears. The defense scares the bejesus out of me. When they're all playing the system and all goes according to plan (TFS stops everything), they look decent but as soon as something deviates, JM never knows how to adjust (i.e. The Flyers series) and they look awful. Sigh. Then I remember the Markov/Gorges injuries and I think it's a miracle were not last in the standings. Thank God the NE collectively sucks this year.

First game in a week for me. A win would be nice. More than 1 goal too! Here's hoping Squid has a field day with Lunqvist.

P.S. Just got caught up with this week's posts. Fantastic job as usual, everyone!

Habsfan10 said...

29, you're an idiot!

Wait. No, you're pretty well right on.

Actually, I expected much, much more from Squid this year for his pricetag. D.

HabsFan29 said...

off to an early din ner kids, hope to be back for the 3rd. GYFH!!!

B B said...

You're an idiot, are you related to the coach?

Way too high for fricking Spacek and that worthless 57 guy...

Too low on Pyatt; he actually does work in the corners. If he had the talent of that worthless 57 guy, we'd have a superstar...

L Dude said...

Yeah, the Rags and their fans with all of their slewfoot crap can all take a flying fucking leap off the Empire State building.
As O-man stated, any team with Avery on it can just fuck right off. In fact, I think we should hang CHeez Whiz's jersey from the rafters for his actions earlier this year (or was it last year?) even if he did it as an Isle. Fuck, he just did what everybody else wanted to do. Suck it Avery!

Looking for a scrappy affair tonight. Hope JM puts the big guys in....wait. never mind.

The Goat didn't get a grade. I'll give him a D-. Wiz trade good. Rhino trade not so good. Jumped the gun, even tho' this lies more on Chocula. Still don't have the big forward we need (especially with saggy Tits). The Halak trade? I do believe he traded the correct goalie. But unless Lego starts scoring soon, I'd give it a big fail. Not much different than getting Jocelyn Thibeault and that useless Russian that had a cup of coffee with the Habs (and the fucker scores the final goal at the Forum - no wonder the Ghosts were pissed!), oh and the Czech too. Whatever. Fuck Rejean Houle and Pierre Lacroix for raping the unsuspecting newbie GM.

You don't see many dual roles of GM and coach anymore. But I say bring back Roy to do both! End the curse and return to GLORY! /epic movie-type rant

moeman said...

sportsnet 'hockey panel' (as relevant as your parents 1970s rec room wood paneling) says PFK is the next, wait for it, sean avery. Never thought I'd see the day that the national English media would collectively go after (lynCH?) a young GTA-born hockey player. Must be the jersey he wears (or something else?) Sick fucks.

moeman said...

ron mclame, purported cbc/hnic 'journalist' (originally a weatheman in Red Deer) says PFK 'went after Dubinski', without showing or discussing any proof. More of the same from the disgusting hnic. Go Flames!

Also, no disrespect meant to weatherpeople as not too many people have jobs that mean getting things 50% right.

moeman said...

Great Big C(H).

Orangeman said...

To carry on the paranoid/the world's against us theme:

CBC's headline for tonight's game is "Rangers Need Answer Against Montreal" which is odd, but fine. The subtitle is "New York Almost Broke Off Three Game Losing Streak to Habs on Tuesday". That's a really roundabout way of saying the Habs won. In fact, it sounds like they didn't actually win but the game was cancelled halfway through due to a power outage or something. Nevermind this is the CANADIAN Broadcasting Corp and they choose to write the whole piece in reference to the Rangers. I guess there's just not enough media in New York freaking City to cover the Rangers.

ti-cul said...

Go fuckers!
Hey Moe, what do you expect from cherries pinky?

score some fucking goals said...

Fuck HNIC fuck Avery Score some fucking goals you fucking Habs!!! Agree with giving Muller the coaching job...anybody who watch last year playoffs would have seen how it was muller who was doing all the talking at the important moments, chokula just lurking behind, the same thing against the Bruins last week. Muller front and center at the bench after the Ryder penalty. Anyway never will happen at least until the Diques come back in the league, releiving the franco-imperative on the Habs coach gig.

GYFHG!!!!!!!

moeman said...

6:06 of great Habs hockey. Who is this team and what system was that they were playin'?

moeman said...

Fugly.

Orangeman said...

Three red jerseys standing around doing DICK ALL.

And apparently Price is allowed to be pushed into the net.

apoplexy said...

Which Habs we going to see tonight?
a. Try real hard until deflating first goal against?
b. score first goal early and try to coast?
c. stifling 'immortal' CHohula zombie choke hold of drear
d. fuck rags just scored game over
e. improbable come back orchestrated by muller making us improbably hopeful
f. winning by appearing to lose (see last year's playoffs)

Orangeman said...

So Dubinski openly says he's going after PK before the game, then crosschecks him twice and Subban is the one called for his slash. And CBC repeats the slewfoot claim like it's common knowledge.

ti-cul said...

Great shot of a lifeless CHacula...I swear I saw him almost breathing...

Dubinski get a penalty, must be PK's fault

moeman said...

WhizHamr!

iRiRi said...

Hamr!!!

Orangeman said...

Hamr Time!

Nice cheap shot after the goal there, Rag.

Oh, maybe it was Darche Vader.

ti-cul said...

Finally, un crisse de buuuut!

asshole prick said...

fuck you rags!!! HAMR time!!!
score another fucken goal!!

iRiRi said...

"Hopefully he does it again, gets a penalty, and we score on the power play," - Brandon Dubinsky on Subban

Orangeman said...

"Well, it's more like having your stick at the wrong place at the wrong time"

STFU CBC.

moeman said...

PFK>SuperPleXXXXXXXXXXXXXe!!!!!!!!!!!!

Orangeman said...

Wow, Cole actually sounded excited on that one.

iRiRi said...

PleXXXe!!!

don't sit back now said...

Subbanaplexxxxxx!!!!

Orangeman said...

Who are these people and what have they done with my Habs. Because I like these guys more.

iRiRi said...

BIG tits!

Does thia means his little CHat with CHokula was a success?

ti-cul said...

The system is working. The system is working. The system is working

Newbery Moening said...

tits!!!!! big tits!!!
wring those rags!!!
GHG!!!! That's the hardest Tits has tried in games, must have been a good talk with CHockuleth.

moeman said...

AK4.6!

Orangeman said...

So the instigator penalty still exists, right?

moeman said...

Don't forget that once down Fonzirella's team gets real dirty.

Moey said...

So we've been upgraded from cockroaches to pesky black flies. Okie dokie.

moeman said...

S T E E L E R S !

moeman said...

cbc/hnic, fabricating leaf excuses since 1967. Note to cbc/hnic, the more your team fucking sucks and fucking loses and fucking misses the playoffs, the fucking better, for hockey, for Canada and for the world.

ti-cul said...

Dear Don Cherry, fuck you you fucking fuck

moeman said...

Go Flames!

moeman said...

Wonder if the incontinent BR is on the phone with the Urologist.

lawyergirl77 said...

Wow. A wide open style and we're still winning. Who'd have thunk it?

(oh, right. Me.)

Keep it up, boys!! Benoit (can't watch the CBC) doesn't think you'll have enough left in the tank to compete in the third. PROVE HIM WRONG!

moeman said...

lg77 knows.

Orangeman said...

"He didn't even try to stop!"

While he was being pushed into the goalie?

Hendrik has been awesome this period. Hopefully that doesn't come back to haunt us....

moeman said...

heh, refs now inventing penalties.

moeman said...

I ♥ …

Hal Gill, cuz his grin and bear it attitude is too fucking cool.

iRiRi said...

How in the world does Lunqvidst not get a penalty but Max gets 2?!

*cuts to Torts laughing behind the bench* oh, right.

HabsFan29 said...

3-1 Habs??? Should I go back out for another dinner?

moeman said...

Noooooooooooooooooooo!

iRiRi said...

29, you should just burn the oven mitts now cause cooking at home is not doing the Habs any favours

ti-cul said...

Tarantula is going to let the little weasel loose in the third. Ready for a gong show?

HabsFan29 said...

phenomenal meal btw at Tuck Shop. well worth it for you Montrealers

Scorewatcher said...

so how do you guys like the system?

Really

moeman said...

That Halpern pass over (pun!) to AK4.6 was as sweet as CHallah.

moeman said...

BTW, I may be semi-lapsed because of the CHampagne tonite but CHallah could be Halpern's nickname (does he have one, yet?)

moeman said...

CHalpern?

HabsFan29 said...

moe Halpern has no nickname yet to my knowledge. i like CHallah. though CHallah is a bit too fancy maybe fir him. he's more of a hard working bagel type

iRiRi said...

Fuck

HabsFan29 said...

FUCK. ok im going back out

moeman said...

I called him Bageldog in the 'Get a shorty' thread.

ack

moeman said...

brunet should be renamed hindsight.

ti-cul said...

The system is kicking in again

moeman said...

Flames!

moeman said...

Does anyone, I mean anyone, care what joel bouchard thinks?

Orangeman said...

Either the Rangers are drunk or they need to be called for diving.

moeman said...

Gorgeous block by Lego (pun!).

moeman said...

CHannel-flicking fun;

heh. cbc/hnic say leaf are playing 'playoff-type' hockey. heh.

HabsFan29 said...

give me a break

moeman said...

heh, when's the last time you saw a diving penalty?

Orangeman said...

Refs fall for the diving.

PUN!

HabsFan29 said...

whew

FUCK YEAH

moeman said...

Nice try refs.

moeman said...

Low 5s all around FHFuckers.

iRiRi said...

Triple Low Fives all around, bitCHes!

Orangeman said...

Yes, let's cut away ASAP to watch
2 non-playoff teams instead of seeing the end of an intense game that has huge implications. The worst part is I'm watching this online, so they are literally blocking me from watching the Habs and forcing me to watch the leaf.

moeman said...

... now for some CHantal MaCHabée (with three ugly wads).

moeman said...

Flames beat the refs!

Orangeman said...

And the leaf lose! What a night!

b said...

Very good game by PK Subban. He is maturing as a defencemen. Good decisions. And without losing the ability to make an inspired rush. And it is pretty clear that Dubinsky is a piece of shit. He got caught a few times and should have been caught a few more.

So Ron McClane was a weather guy, really? That explains a lot.
So his reffing is his back up job.

moeman said...

How disgusting of cbc/hnic to keep their cameras solely on the leaf bench during that shootout. People not need wonder why the leaf is the most hated hockey team in the world. Sick fucks.

moeman said...

Lotsa fun kidz, gotta bag it, find my Sperry topsiders and cruise.

Go all Canadian teams except the leaf.

the Maritimer said...

Fuck the system. The system let the Rangers back in the game.

Yeah, cbc, we all want to watch the loser leafs hugging each other on the bench during the shootout. I'm sure Calgarians are really impressed with that display of Hogtown fairness. No wonder everyone outside of southern Ontario hates Toronto and their fucking losing teams.

Suck it loserville!

Steve said...

Great Report Card.