Some blogs like to give out half-season grades or rankings or reviews or whatever. So do we! But after 41 games, we really didn't know what kind of team we had. But after 44 games, we sure do! So with the help of Miss Moore, we'll be handing out some mid(-ish)-season grades in a sec. First, let's set up the Rangers game, Twitter-style, considering we already played them this week:
7P start Bell, CBC, Squid TFS in, PatCHes gametime dec, Tits dead. More of Miss Moore (NSFW) post-game entertainment. Was that 140 characters or less? On to the grades! WARNING - actual hockey analysis ahead. Ha! I keed, I keed. I have no fucking clue what I'm talking about.
Big Bald Alex Auld (A-) - Did you know he's got a 1.74 GAA and a .941 save %? I didn't. He's been right there in every game he's played. He should probably get an incomplete considering "every game he's played" is only five of them, but fuck, I had to give an A range grade to someone, otherwise the curve would have been wrecked.
SuperpleXXXe (B+) - I guess he's been our most consistent forward all year, though that's not saying much. Even when he's not getting points (which seems to happen more and more lately) he's still out there busting his butt on every shift, PP, or PK.
TFS (B+) - After a quarter of the season he would have been an A+++, but lately, meh. I don't even think he deserves to be an All-Star to be honest. I'd take Thomas, Pavelec and Lundqvist out of the East right now.
CHeez Whiz (B) - Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster he showed up when he did, or our D would consist of Hamr, PFK and my mom. Though mom's an excellent shot-blocker.
Gio (B) - A pretty lame just over half a point per game pace, but a work ethic others (cough Tits cough) could learn from. A fine captain. I've almost forgotten ol' Saku what's his face.
DarCHe (B) - he does what he's supposed to do.
Hamr (B-) - with Gorges gone, as close as we have to a rock on defense right now. Ugh.
Gill (B-) - or maybe Gill is the rock of the defense now? Double ugh.
Halpern (B-) - For the first quarter everyone talked about what an awesome off-season pickup he was. Now, you barely hear his name mentioned anywhere. Maybe he's just disappeared into the shadows, which I guess could be a good thing for a 3rd/4th liner. Exemplary attendance record - one of only 3 players to play all 44 games.
Squid (B-) - invisible lately (even before he caught the strep throat of death), but for the first 15 games or so of the season Squid-Tits-PleXXXe was one of the best lines in the league. Do you remember that? I do not.
The Mexican (C+) - reverse of Squid. Dead for the first quarter, showing some signs of (barely) life lately. His salary has not figured into this grade. If it did, F.
PFK (C+) - held up well through the benchings and the Toronto media-created controversies, so extra credit there. He just isn't the thrilling player game in game out we thought we were getting after what we saw in the playoffs last year. Probably not be his fault (see "CHokula", below).
SpatCHes (C) - his good games are great, his bad games are terrible, which averages out to average, i.e. a C.
Tits (C) - sure he's dead now, but see Squid's note above. We all LOVED him for the first 15 games this year. I know you don't remember, but it's true.
Lego (C) - shows flashes he could be a great player. The flashes come once every 7 or 8 games.
CHicken (C) - shows flashes he could be a great player. The flashes come once every 7 or 8 games.
MOEmaN (C) - meh. Does not have the offensive skills to do what Chokula seems to want him to do for some bizarre reason.
Captain Picard (C) - he's just, there. A little too often for my tastes, frankly.
Pyatt (D) - Haven't heard his name in months. Is he still on the team?
Incompletes - Vodkov, Gorges (too depressing to write about), Swiss Mister II, PatCHes, Dustin Boyd, Double D.
CHokula (D-) - The "system" is a joke. Habs can't score. May have destroyed PFK forever. Essentially ran Rhino out of town just when we needed him. Inexplicably believes Moen is a scorer and a top 6 forward. Broke up the only decent line we had all year (Squid-PleXXXe-Tits). Loves Captain Picard a little too much. Bench management questionable at best. Often appears not to be alive during games. The only reason it's not an F is that hey, the Habs are in a playoff position.
Rest of staff (B+) - just hand Muller the top job already before someone else snaps him up.
OK, go ahead and tell me I'm an idiot in the comments.