Tuesday, December 28, 2010

What the fuck is wrong with this fucking team they fucking suck - Caps preview and open thread

When I get angry (and GG11 is on the road), it's time for fat CHicks

"I am just more and more pissed with Martin. Tell FHF it's time to have a conversation about whether he's the right man for the job"
- Mom of HF29

Consider it done mom. In the absence of TMS, TMS Rants has been moved to the preview. NSFW (language) ahead!

What the fuck is wrong with this fucking piece of crap fucking team of shit? I was enjoying a lovely holiday up at Casa Norde del 29, and I was sort of ignoring things to the best of my abilities, but the shittiness of this fucking team is dragging me down the fucking rabbit hole. I settle in to my first broadcast of TSN Habs feed (we've got Bell up here) only to find out fucking Rod Black was doing play by play. Urge... to kill... RISING!!! Fine, I could live with that crap. Sure, Rod's the worst fucking sports broadcaster in the history of the universe, but whatever. Nobody in the fucking stands due to a giant snowstorm, but whatever. Habs coming off their only win on this road trip so far, we're going to turn this whole road trip around, right? NOT FUCKING BLOODY LIKELY. Instead, we turn in one of the most miserable fucking performances in the history of fucking hockey. Well, maybe I'm exaggerating. The Habs didn't put in any performance at all. They just fucking showed up. Well, not showed up in the metaphorical sense. Their bodies were on the fucking ice, but their minds were buried in the fucking snow. Or with some Long Island road beef or something. They certainly didn't have their fucking heads in that game I'll tell you. Yeah, we had an advantage in shots, but so fucking what? At no time did I have any fucking belief we'd win that game. AND IT'S THE FUCKING ISLANDERS. It's not like they were, I don't know, a real team, like the Caps or something. Is it time to panic? IT IS ABSOLUTLEY FUCKING TIME TO PANIC. This team is fucking falling apart before our eyes. Shall we count the ways? I think fucking not. OK, 3 ways. 1. We can't fucking score. 2. We have no fucking defense. 3. Carey has become human. And possibly tired already. Oh, and Chokula is destroying this team from the inside out, according to my mom. And as you know, mom of 29 is always right.

So if the whole "maybe we're just a fucking shitty team" wasn't bad enough, now the fucking Habs are falling apart IN PRACTICE. THEY'RE FUCKING FIGHTING WITH EACH OTHER. I don't know the real story behind what went on and who said something stupid to who and who is a fucking idiot (Chokula) and who has lost control of this team (Chokula) and who is to fucking blame for our current woes (Chokula). One person I don't blame for any of this? PK FUCKING SUBBAN, that's who. He is now getting the royal fucking shaft. Has Swiss Mister II done any better than PFK? Has Captain Picard done any better than PFK? FUCK AND NO. They have not. They are FUCKING WORSE. They are just as fucking shitty in the defensive zone if not worse, and their upside potential is nowhere near what PFK's is. Yet who gets the benefit of the doubt? ANYONE BUT PK FUCKING SUBBAN THAT'S WHO. Do we have one D on this team who can skate with the puck and make a fucking pass and create offense? Yes, one. PK FUCKING SUBBAN THAT'S WHO. Yet who sits in the pressbox? PK FUCKING SUBBAN THAT'S WHO.  He better be fucking playing tonight or we'll soon be three(-ish) Habs Fans as I'll be in Bordeaux for murdering a fucker.

And if the PFK crap wasn't bad enough, now after the Bruins won last night the Habs are in EIGHTH FUCKING PLACE IN THE EAST. There you go. The collapse is upon us people. Matt will be here any fucking minute to tell you that. And it says so in the fucking sidebar! I'm not looking forward to watching this piece of shit team play this fucking game tonight. The only plus side is that Panger is in town and we'll be watching together at Casa del FHF, aka Hurleys. That'll be fucking awesome. The 7-1 final against will not be.

7 PM start from the DC Phone Booth, on RDS and TSN Bell Habs with hopefully not Rod Black. Let the expletives fly in the comments. Go You Fucking Juniors Go.

85 comments:

Moey said...

C'mon 29, you're holding back, tell us how you REALLY feel.

moeman said...

Fuck the Habs, how many leopards we're skinned to make that bikini?!

soperman said...

Very Boudreau-esque. Somehow I don't think your mom is going to call you.

Number31 said...

That wasn't fighting in practice, that was PK showing his coach how much of a moron he is.

You went too easy on the F-Bombs though. In true Boudreau fashion, this fucking team better fucking win tonight or these fucking fucks will never fucking see the fucking playoffs unless they fucking send that fucking listless coach to the fucking pressbox with PI-FUCKING-CARD (or in the trunk of a fucking car with fucking MAB and fucking Breezer) and fucking put PK FUCKING SUBBAN on the fucking ice with a fucking appropriate D-partner! FUCK!

You guys also saw Cammalleri on the PK-unit right? I wasn't just dreaming that? Hoping to defend through offense? Is this true? That sounds very un-Choculatey... Is there a mutiny on the coaching staff?

I got family matters to attend to so I'll be a healthy scratch tonight. I'm hoping I won't be spared another shitty performance though...so GO YOU FUCKING HABS!

Matt - fear the collapse said...

29, loved this rant...only thing that can bring joy during the Habs almost annual collapse, is reading the rants like this.

Ohh, and i know i mostly comment when things are inevitably going downhill...but i am always here to read your fine work.

In order to try and get out of this thing i promise to post a few positive things during tonights game.

b said...

It takes nothing more than a read of François Gagnon's piece on the Snowpocalype Collapse to understand what is wrong with Chocula's system. You can possess the puck almost forever and if you don't put it in the net, guess what, you lose. Nice patterns executed in the corners don't put the puck in the net. Fast odd man breaks do. (cf. Carbo's system)(cf. Scotty Bowman's system) (cf. Toe Blake's system). Why, of why does this happen every holiday season? And when to they go to Florida for the complete February collapse?

bea.habs.fan said...

I'm debating whether to try to convince myself that this is just a bump in the road or whether to admit that the beginning of the season was the bump in the road.

the Maritimer said...

@29, awesome rant! Right now, after that suckfest on Long Island, I'd rather lie on an anthill covered in honey, than watch the massacre that will unfold before your eyes tonight.

About your Juniors, hopefully they will meet Saint John in the playoffs at some point this spring. It will give us something to look forward to.

iRiRi said...

Great fucking rant.

How is it that a crippled Gorges (love him but COME ON, Josh, take a breather for chrissakes.), aging-by-the-shift Hamr/Spatch, FUCKING Picard AND Weber are all in the lineup but PFK has to watch from above?!

You know who should be a healthy scratch for this game? Chokula, that's who!

In the words of Bruce Boudreau, it's time to "grab your sack and fucking do something about it"! Have some fucking dignity and put in a little effort for more than the last 3 minutes of the game. Show those morons that last May wasn't just a fluke.

But most importantly, win it for me! I've been sick in bed for the past three days and could use a little cheering up. That also explains the rant.

GYFHG!

Number31 said...

I really want to punch Chocula... PK is a GAME TIME FUCKING DECISION in case Gorges can't go. PRESSBOX IS CALLING ALEX PICARD YOU FUCKING IDIOT! ARGH! (Or as I call him, Picarrrrrgh).

Hey look, one Sutter is down from Calgary. Can we send them Jacques Martin to play GM? Please? PLEASE?!

moeman said...

Get well iRiRi.

Le Douze said...

@#31 - yeah, I was pretty sure that I hallucinated Squid on the PK the other night, maybe during the MaxPac major or something. I think that Count Chock has missed a trick, though, because I called Squid and Big Tits for the PK a few weeks ago, and I'm pretty sure that combo hasn't been out yet together.

It's pretty frightening what's happening with PFK, innit? Seems like every game gets worse and worse, whether he's in the lineup or not. Guess it's time to send him back to the 'Dogs where a baby-sitter like Guy Boucher can get him sorted... umm, never mind. At least JM can get the veterans all revved up and focused, right?

Anonymous said...

How about scoring some fucking goals for a change!!!! FFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!
The Leafs SUUUUUCCCK!

moeman said...

James Wisniewski a Hab.

moeman said...

For a 2011 2nd round pick.

http://canadiens.nhl.com/club/news.htm?id=547577

iRiRi said...

Wizniewski traded to MTL.

Tks moe!

moeman said...

+ a conditional 5th in 2012.

PFK may never play again.

moeman said...

Cap hit is $3,25M.

ti-cul said...

that's the one palyer I wanted to see with our team. Should improve the pp greatly (it can only improve greatly, even if we score only one goal). Now, let see how our fucking moron of a coach is going to destroy his personality and confidence.

moeman said...

Can't fault The Goat too muCH as CHeeze Wiz is a RFA so the Habs'll get conditional picks if he signs elsewhere.

Orangeman said...

Absolutely great rant, 29. I never (never? Well, hardly ever) shit talk the coach because frankly I don't know enough anout the small things to say much. But enough is enough. The players are obviously not committed to whatever the coach believes. Here the coach has small speedy forwards and uses them to build a defensive machine. If that's what you want, then get bigger and more rugged players.

This is a great transitional team, a team that can carry the puck in, a team that can go end to end embarrassing the opposing D. But they dump and change. No, no even dump and chase, they apparently need to change every 4.2 seconds, despite their above stated speed.

Nevermind the destruction of young players (PK) and complete lack of passion or even a pulse.

In other news, wasn't Canada supposed to lack scoring? Not getting ahead of things here, Sweden will be a tough opponent. Good thing cause Roy looks...not so great.

moeman said...

No Josh tonight.

HabsFan29 said...

K I'm off to join the Panger-man for the game. while I'm gone, please get to work on Wizniewski nicknames. Wiz is too obvious, I like Whiz better. Cheez Whiz?

iRiRi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
iRiRi said...

CHeez Whiz FTW!

moeman said...

tsn is a disgusting network.

swarkles said...

Please win Habs.





Please.

swarkles said...

Or at least show up.

iRiRi said...

TSN made it seem as if the leafs were stuck under an avalanche.

matt - fear the collapse said...

breaking out the scotch for this one...hoping to warm up the insides b4 the cold feeling gets a chance to set in

Dainer's Hubris said...

That's a lot of banners in DC for a team that's never won a Cup. Pathetic and embarrassing.

Is the New Urologist too obvious? 13 PP points and a name like wiz. Too much recycling maybe. I'm'a just gonna call him The Gobbler.

GYMFHG!

Orangeman said...

My feed is giving me the RDS video but the CJAD audio. Cool. Too bad it just started skipping. Oh, and now we're back to RDS audio. Well, it was nice while it lasted.

iRiRi said...

No time like the present!

moeman said...

A goal would be nice.

le casse said...

jacques martin dying of a heart attack behind the bench would be nice too

matt - ftc said...

on a posititive note. price stopped a break

moeman said...

Nice block PFK.

ti-cul said...

PK!!!!!!!!!

matt - ftc said...

on the negative side of things...spacek still can't skate. i honestly don't know if he would be a stand-out player in by adult D division league

iRiRi said...

FUCK.

matt - ftc said...

picard and weber on together...nice work choc

matt - ftc said...

wash scores one more this is over...habs can't score two goals against shit teams, so no chance against this one

moeman said...

Who is jay beagle?

iRiRi said...

OVER.

Orangeman said...

I want everyone on this team fired.

matt - watching the collapse said...

game....over. jm has good reason to be pissed at pk for that one. what the fuck was that????

moeman said...

: (ollapse

lawyergirl77 said...

Well this sucks.

Now they're disinterested. And so I will drink. Heavily.

matt - fold the team said...

well, one period in the books and wsh is already over the habs goal quota for an entire game

matt - watching the collapse said...

on a positive note, the equipment manager did some good work. those jerseys are looking their whitest

matt - wtc said...

on paper, tonight's d lineup may be bottom 5 in the nhl.

moeman said...

On a positive note Wisniewski has more points than Kessposito.

swarkles said...

All right gang it was fun for about five minutes. I'm going to go drink at a bar that's not showing the game (impossible)

moeman said...

Almost out of Merlot. Oh look Amaretto!

lawyergirl77 said...

29 isn't buying rounds of Bushmills yet. Cheap bastard. No meth, no ice cream, no scotch. Where are the Wise Men whe you need them...

MOAR BEER. this game sucks.

matt - wtc said...

how long b4 big tits is in the khl? next season? 2 yrs from now?

matt - wtc said...

anyone think they are capable of scoring b4 garbage time in this game?

iRiRi said...

How can they have THIS MUCH difficulty scoring goals?!

moeman said...

When's 2011?

iRiRi said...

PK keeps jawing at Ovi. Enough CHatter, start scoring, dammit!

Orangeman said...

Whenever I watch the Hab PP I think of the Great One's quote "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take".

matt - wtc said...

ya, chirping looks pretty stupid when down 2-0, and losing 7 of 10. listening laps?

another appalling pp.

Orangeman said...

Somethings gotta give. Soon.

iRiRi said...

Time for a laugh: tell me THIS doesn't look like McSplooge in a top hat!

lawyergirl77 said...

@Orangeman - am lighting torches and sharpening the pitchforks right now... Am bringing my grandparents to the game on Sunday. If they suck, I may head down to the dressing room to commit murder.

scheisskerl said...

whoa the last minute or so of that period were an affront to all decent habs fans everywhere. Hamrlik was literally waiting next to the net for the period to end.

iRiRi said...

Just as I get a glimmer of hope thinking maybe they can turn it around...

moeman said...

When is Sid a UFA?

matt - this team sucks said...

does big tits even attempt to hit the net anymore?

moeman said...

Can the Habs call up Louis Leblanc?

matt - wtc said...

to make matters worse i am also a giants fan...two flop teams

iRiRi said...

Do they even give a shit anymore?

Orangeman said...

On a completely different note, Johnny Cash's version of Hurt came on the TV in the background this afternoon and I along with my father, sister and 18 month old niece all stopped dead in our tracks and stared and listened for the 3 or 4 minutes and immediately went back to our business when it ended. It was one of those moments you could never plan and we will never speak of because it was so spontaneous and natural.

matt - wtc said...

not sure yet if this is more painful than sitting through 3 consecutive christmas eve story/carol hours at the church

lawyergirl77 said...

Dude, 29 keeps saying optimistic things. I think it's a sigh of the Apocalypse... The Four Horsemen are on the horizon.

matt - wtc said...

can we give this team to quebec, and we'll take phoenix?

Orangeman said...

I mean, is there anything else to say? It's tough to admit, but I really don't care about this team until JM is fired frankly. Or something, anything. Why should any of us give a shit when the guys being paid millions can't even pretend to care?

iRiRi - fire JM said...

Testing.

Steve said...

Chocula is on a death watch, but he has already sucked the life out of this team. Let them play fucking hockey, 60 min of shut down just does not work

matt - watching the collapse said...

is there a name on this team that you would put on the back of a jersey?

the Maritimer said...

Guys, and ladies, why are you even bothering to torture yourselves with this shit show?
I watched the WJHC game, the Spengler Cup game and an old movie, Stargate. Creativity abounds if you go look for it. Never mind Chocula and his fucking boring "system", if such a thing actually exists. This Friday night, my family and I are going to watch the No. 1 Junior team in the country vs. the Wildcats. You actually get to see hockey players play...Hockey!!

Let me know when the Habs get a real coach. They may be worth watching again.

Bill 101 said...

OK -it's almost 2011. Habs will be in 7-12th place for a while. kinda where everyone expected. I'm ok unless it comes down to that last game.

With the new addition (love "the Gobbler" btw - lots of joke potential on the horizon esp. with the Rangers games finally coming upon us.. oops!), things will change - perhaps for the better. One hopes sooner than later.

Pollyanna says PK doesn't suck as much as everything else. Carey still amazes from time to time. Someone's gotta score.

..gonna watch Sedins vs. Phucktards now.

Sigh

Steve said...

I am very optomistic, there are nothing but good outcomes ahead.

1)they make the playoff and play at least as well as last year good for a round or two, maybe three

2)They miss the playoff Chocula is fired for sure and we get a good draft pick to add to a relatively young team with unlimited upside potential

Number31 said...

CHeezWhiz is a cap hit of 1.5mil now or something like that, not the full hit. He can't be any worse than PICARRRRGH on the powerplay. Of course, that is until Chocula gets his hands on him...

I still don't know why these guys even bother pulling Price for the extra man. They have NEVER done anything with it and have usually given up the empty netter. Call up Louis. At least he can win a fucking board battle...

bea.habs.fan or trying to be said...

I'll admit to being a bad fan but I just couldn't bare watching the last 2 periods knowing nothing much would happen.
Should we be proud that Price got the job done after the first?
Should we collectively go kick some millionaire asses for not scoring?
Should we prepare tar and feathers for the coach? or go directly to the noose?

so many questions, and so much time to ruminate.

I guess hoping for a hald decent showing on 24/7 was too much. I guess the Habs gave in the X-mas tradition just so the Caps could feel good on US TV with people actually watching for a change.
Maybe the team just feels more confortable in the skin of the underdog!

WV maybe the Habs will come out of their comaz in the New Year