Mats Sundin Rodin

Mats Sundin pictured thinking about his future while the poop under his butt hardens.

Mats Rodin Sundin (pronounce both last names in French, it’s funnier) has taken his sweeeet sweet time deciding whether or not his 37-year old frame can overcome the grueling 10 games that will remain on the schedule when he decides to come back. Also, one has to wonder how his full fledged baldness will affect his play.

I read an article a few weeks ago on how men’s reaction-time decreases gradually past the age of 40. That’s why athletes who are still built like tanks well past their prime no longer, i.e. Mark Messier, have the reflexes required to act with quick agility on the ice. There is decreased activity in a part of the brain that houses reaction times and the ability to MAKE A FUCKING DECISION WITHOUT TAKING SIX MONTHS!

Imagine Christmas over at the Sundins.

Mats Sundin: “Knock-Knock”

Nephew: “Who’s there!?”

SIX MONTHS LATER

Mats Sundin: “An apricot”

Nephew: “What?”

Imagine what a 3 on 1 rush would look like:

“3 on 1! Sundin streaks down the ice with Kovalev and Kostisyn! Only one defender back! Sundin carries the puck past the blue line! Kovalev dashes alone towards the net. Kostisyn’s just behind! Sundin is waiting, trying to figure out the best option. He’s contemplating his choices now! What action! He’s scratching his head in confusion! What a move! He’s clearly unsure now! The wingers are waiting for a decision! Kovalev gets on his plane and circles around the ice, waiting for Mats to make up his mind! Sundin’s doing nothing! It’s furious action now! Oh Baby!”

There’s this great SNL commercial, where people at the office hint at a guy’s tardiness by greeting him with a long white beard. Bob Gainey needs to do that. Sundin walks into his office and Gainey turns around in his swiveling chair with this long white beard that drops to his chest and this purring black cat on his knees. If Gainey conducts negotiations in an eastern European accent that would also be cool.

Imagine Inny Minny Miney Moe with Sundin.

“Inny Minny Miney Moe, catch a tiger by the toe, tiger’s big and you are slow, I like tiger’s you should know, been to Kenya with my bro, bro’s a doctor in Malmo, Bangkok’s great it’s not so-so, should you go there let me know, get tickets to ping-pong show, astrophysics make me glow, read a book last week on snow, never snort a line of blow, my old socks have gotta go, tic tac toe, I have to go to the bathroom, bathroom needs some re-no-va-tion, rest of house needs some re-too-ling, you’re it.”

Holy poop, Mats, it’s just a freaking hockey season. Shit, I just had this terrible thought. Imagine, you need this emergency transplant and Mats was the only match for your kidney. And Mats is all like:






Rest in peace.