Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Ten Things I Hate About ... the Tampa Bay Lightning - Game Preview and Open Thread

When your favourite team loses the night before, you carry a certain chip on your shoulder the next day. When they lose to fucking Florida, and only score one goal, and have another game the next night on what has become an annual thorn in the franchise's side Florida trip, you tend to get a bit pissy. And take it out on the next opponent. So in lieu of a preview, you get ...

10 Things I Hate About the Tampa Bay Lightning

10. We've covered this before, but ... "Lightning! Avalanche! It's USSF Division 2 soccer, live on ESPN 6!!" It's a fucking stupid name. It's a fucking bush-league name.

9. Of course, we wouldn't expect any less of a city that can't even get its own name right. This is a pet peeve of New Republic editor and Slate/New York Times/Atlantic Monthly/ESPN contributor Gregg Easterbrook, who points out that the city the Lightning play in is actually called "Tampa", and sits at the mouth of a body of water called "Tampa Bay".

8. Lecavalier rumours. So. Many. Rumours. I read one more "The Bolts can't afford him, he's coming home to save the Canadiens" item, I'm killing Brian Lawton myself.

7. Hey, speaking of inept or useless Tampa GM's ... it's Phil Esposito! Big Phil's shameless huckstering and whoring out of the game to make a buck or two with the expansion Lightning was an embarrassment. Of course, most of that was necessary because Esposito's hand-picked financial backer, (Japanese company Kokusai Green) was essentially bankrupt and rumour has it a front for the Yakuza. The perilous state of the Lightning's finances lead to brainstorms like ...

6. Signing Manon Rheaume. Look, like any other red-blooded male, I loved the idea of a hot, hockey-playing babe. I kinda sorta didn't like that she got to play in the NHL (even if it was just an exhibition). Bottom line: Manon Rheaume wasn't good enough to make the roster of a National Hockey League team, even one as terrible as the Lightning. Esposito admitted it was all a publicity stunt after the fact. Well, duh. Still doesn't make it right. Panger gets no shot, but Rheaume does?

5. Wait, is that noted cheapshot artist and general fucktard Steve Downie on the roster? Why yes, yes it is. The Lightning employ a guy the FLYERS thought was a loose cannon. Sweet merciful crap.

4. This. This drives me fucking crazy, in a "screw these Southern-based, undeserving, Bettman-inspired crap franchises winning Cups" kinda way.

3. In a league full of bad jersey choices, the Lightning were the first to take it to a new level of stupid: The nickname jersey. Can you imagine the Leafs trotting out in a "Buds" shirt? Or Detroit or Chicago sporting only "Wings" or "Hawks"? Maybe the Flyers need to wear "Bullies" in script instead of the Flying P? Sounds ridiculous in theory. It's just as stupid in real life.

2. Frankly, the Lightning (and Lecavalier and St. Louis in particular) have a history of biting the Habs in the ass, just like their cousins in Miami. I've counted too many losses to these two johnny-come-lately Florida teams to count, and it pisses me off. Almost as much as ...

1. The fact that Tampa and Florida either a) whine and plead their way to get a visit from the Canadiens around Christmas to help their bottom line or b) are so financially unstable and unsuitable as pro hockey cities that the NHL desperately tries to get asses in the seats over Christmas by forcing marquee teams like the Habs into an annual Florida trip. Fuck that. If you are in such dire financial straits each year that your financial well-being depends on the Habs filling your coffers, MOVE THE FUCK TO A REAL HOCKEY TOWN or FOLD THE FUCKING TEAM. I haven't liked this rudderless, financial suckhole of a team since the day it was founded, and I wouldn't shed one tear to see it go down in flames. Especially if they win tonight.

Oh, right. Tonight. 7:00 pm, St. Pete's Times Forum, live on RDS and TSN. Some guys are hurt, some are healthy. Vinny and Stamkos are hot for Tampa, GMC and Cammalleri for Montreal. Jaro looking good despite last night's loss, but apparently Price gets the start. Mike Smith is hurting for Tampa so look for AnnTaylorNinnyChicomaki in goal.

Got a reason to hate the Lightning, the Panthers, the state of Florida in general? Let's hear it in the comments.

105 comments:

The Gate To The Groin For Yannick Bertrand said...

Well this is great.

I'm starting to seriously hate us.

HabsFan29 said...

That's some good hatin' 10!

Vinny's wearing your number. that's douche-y

Le Douze said...

@GroinGate -
The Prophet Vodkov spake, and it was good. The Franchise Shriveler did cower and cover his nakedness with a CH commemorative towel, and was sore afraid, for he knew that the LIGHT did shine down upon him, and he was sure to be burned like a bug under a magnifying glass.
- Habs 2010,01,20-27


I'm just sorry he didn't kick TFS's fucking ass.

WV1: pertur - as in, Vodkov's
outburst doesn't pertur me.
WV2: yerpu - not mine.

- Le12

dwgs said...

Being from the Soo, I would have put that dirtball Esposito at #1 on the list. Fucker tried to sell the Greyhounds to Detroit.

Cassie said...

Don't hold back. Tell us how you really feel. Seriously. Let it all out.

As a writer for the Tampa Bay Lightning blog, Raw Charge, I salute you for coming up with more than two reasons to hate the Lightning. The two, of course, being against hockey in warm climates, and being against hockey in the US. Very original. Keep up the good work!

RiRi said...

Well, everytime time I hear BR and those dingbats on l`AC say "The French Connection", I throw up a little in my mouth... if that counts for anything!

RE:Markov/TFS: sigh...

Habsfan10 said...

@ Cassie:

Welcome, and thanks! Truth be told, I don't hate hockey in the States. I appreciate all the easy tickets we can get when we're on spring break or Christmas holidays.

WF: implogi - nice to see that the Lightning's fans heads don't implogi when we post a "10 Things I Hate".

moeman said...

WV = iPad, as in it'll be fun to visit the FHF blog on my new iPad

J.T. said...

Argh. The nickname jersey is the worst! I'll add I hate the Lightning because Bettman loves them. Also because they suck hard enough on a regular basis to allow them to acquire great hockey talent that's completely wasted on the audience for which it plays. Why should Stamkos, Hedman and Lecavalier put on a show for people who need to have the PA announcer tell them when there's a powerplay? I hate that.

English Pig Dog said...

@ Cassie

Give us our Vinnie back ... or else

Habsfan10 said...

@ English Pig Dog:

The way Vinny's playing, they can keep him.

J.T. said...

And, further to that...sometimes we just don't have room to laugh. I can totally see the Habs marketing department looking at those Bolts sweaters and thinking, "Hey...not a bad idea..." Next September, the money pit that is the team store will be sporting third jerseys with "HABS" all over them.

Cassie said...

We've discussed this on our blog on game threads, and we're all in agreement - we hate the word "Bolts" written down the front of their third jerseys. The jersey itself is fine, but the word is awful. I don't even like calling them that, anyways.

As for Vinny going to Montreal, you'll have to talk to him - or his agent. The Lightning aren't holding him hostage anymore. He's got a no-movement clause in his contract, so if he wants to go, he can leave any time he wants to. Sorry.

@Habsfan10, he's on pace for an 80-point season; only 23 of those points would be goals, tho.

Habsfan10 said...

@ Cassie:

I just saw Vinny's stats. But we since we already have a wildly overpriced centre on a long-term deal, I don't want him unless he's on pace for well over 50 goals and100 points(since he'd essentially have to play by himself to fit under the cap).

Anonymous said...

@Cassie:

Sorry, you can keep Vinnie. With his 11 year contract, he is now officially a boat anchor around your franchise's neck. Enjoy.

moeman said...

Small Tits lining up with Squid! and Pleks!

canucklehead said...

vinny wouldn't do shit for our team, the press and the pressure would eat him alive and he would buckle. down in good ol' tampa he doesn't have to worry about over exposure since the fans down there can't even seem to find their way to the rink. At least when we play the southern teams we can hear our chants louder then the home team's... that must be embarrassing.

Moey said...

Meh. I like Florida.

Robbie said...

Geez 10 on that Number One reason you shouldn't hold back as much. Keeping things inside isn't healthy. Next time let it the fuck out man, you'll feel better i promise it will all be good.

lr said...

I am so with you guys on moving these teams to real HOCKEY towns and having our boys around home during the xmas holidays!

Anonymous said...

Love your site, funny and great references to my old home town MTL (live in London ON now).
Yeah gotta watch the Habs on RDS.
Yeah gotta hate Florida hockey and lets not forget Phoenix.
Ohh and the Leafs too.
BTW I remember Bleu Nuit.
Keep up the good work, best hockey blog around.
Peace out y'all from Downtown London
Bruce F.

gillis said...

My top ten list would definetly include the fact that they named their arena the fucking St- Pete's Time FORUM!!!!!

fuckers

GoldenGirl11 said...

What I hate most is that there are TWO Florida teams. Couldn't they just be happy with beach volleyball in December? If I lived in Winnipeg or Saskatchewan I'm sure my head would've exploded by now.

GoldenGirl11 said...

@Moe
BACK UP!!!! iPAD!!!! Tell me!!! I'm feeling faint. Must. Have. It.

moeman said...

@GG, its real but no news about availability/pricing/networking in Canada.

gillis said...

Vinny hasn't changed is iPad in a while

Anonymous said...

As far as nickname jerseys go, a Columbus sweater with a nice, simple "BJ's" would be a brisk seller, no?

Joe said...

Every time I read the word "iPad" I think of Jaro and music.

GoldenGirl11 said...

@Moe
Looks like an iPhone for old people. I love it.

moeman said...

@GG, 'cept the phone part (and no camera, yet) but yes, iPhone-ish style+

habsss said...

I'm so sick of all the locker room drama BS.

GoldenGirl11 said...

@Moe
How brilliant. Keep getting smaller until any smaller would mean invisible and then get bigger. The third generation iPad will probably come with a sexy trailer hitch that will attach to all SUVs, play your iPod song list and project your photo album or video collection on a movie screen reflecting off of the sky.

HabsFan29 said...

@GG - you call yourself an Apple fan? how could you not be watching the Steve Jobs announcement live today?

@anon - BJ's shirt, heh. i want one of those. you're much more fun than yesterday's anonymous.

GoldenGirl11 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
GoldenGirl11 said...

@29
It's freaking me out. Seem to have less and less time in the day lately.

HabsFan29 said...

touché GG

HabsFan29 said...

GO YOU FUCKING PANTS.

please try. that's all I ask.

shut up fat Bob

Ryan said...

I just took a job in Florida, and filled out my Florida Bar application today. Fuck.

moeman said...

Balls on fire!

You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain
Too much love drives an FHFer insane
You broke my will, thats not a thrill
Goodness gracious get your balls on fire!

You've learned to love all of that CBA money
You came along with your moves sweet as honey
JM changed his mind, you better look fine
Goodness gracious TFS™ get your balls on fire!

Don't diss Vodkov, woo.....it won't feel good
Hold onto him Babs, let Carey mature like a good kid should
He's fine, so kind
I'm a nervous wreck but your mine mine mine mine-ine

I cut and paste as I iPhone with thumbs
I'm really nervous but fuck it sure is fun
Come on Carey, you drive me crazy
Goodness gracious TFS™ set your balls on fire!

Don't diss Vodkov, woo.....it won't feel good
Hold onto him Babs, let Carey mature like a good kid should
He's fine, so kind
I'm a nervous wreck but your mine mine mine mine-ine

I say Goodness gracious set my pants on fire!
... oooh ...

GoldenGirl11 said...

Ok let's go. Change your iPads boys and get ready for Tampax.

HabsFan29 said...

+13 year old bride to moe

lehab said...

Fantastic Moe! as usual

moeman said...

heh @ GG and HF29.

HabsFan29 said...

let's hope 10 isn't watching. the empty stands will make him angrier

lehab said...

ferrarro is wrong...we are never fine on defence

GoldenGirl11 said...

@Moe
+10 toes on that one

HabsFan29 said...

well we seem to be creating some chances at least

GoldenGirl11 said...

Very messy period.

HabsFan29 said...

oh fuck

GoldenGirl11 said...

I. Hate. Him.

Ryan said...

Epic. Fail.

Ryan said...

This is also my first time in the FHF gametime thread.

Hey y'all.

HabsFan29 said...

welcome Ryan!

so your a lawyer, in Florida. Tell us a little bit more about yourself

HabsFan29 said...

*you're. epic grammar fail

Ryan said...

I'm actually a third year at Louisiana State University Law School. JUst took a job in Orlando, FL recently, will be moving after graduation in May.

Originally from Connecticut, am an alum of the University of Connecticut. Grew up a Whale fan, but they left when I was 11. Didn't find a team to follow for years. Hated the Bruins, so I became a Habs fan when I came to Montreal as a sophomore in college and attended a game at the Bell Centre, hooked ever since. Come up once a year. Was there for Gui! comeback in a Wild jersey this past December.

Ryan said...

Montreal is a special place, my favorite city in the world.

HabsFan29 said...

can no one not give away the fucking puck????

(not sure if that double negative means what i wanted)

HabsFan29 said...

UConn and LSU, eh? so if a pack of Huskies comes up against a tiger, who wins a battle to the death?

Ryan said...

Well, the 650 pound live Bengal Tiger we have here on campus in Baton Rouge would certainly take a pack of Huskies.

If UCONN ever played LSU in football, I'd root for LSU.

If UCONN played LSU in basketball (which happened this season), I root for the Huskies.

If the Saints win the Super Bowl, this state will riot. Myself included.

HabsFan29 said...

smaby that was a bad penalty

kevincrumbs said...

You know, I don't think we looked that bad in the first. Forecheck looked pretty good at times and Max + Darche Vader played well.

I think we should trade for that Szezechura guy and put him with Pouliot so that we can have a Szechuan Chicken duo.

moeman said...

Good one kc.

Welcome to our funPad Ryan.

Ici nous laissons les bons temps rouler!

WV = imessand, as in look imessand on da FLA beaCH and little else

GoldenGirl11 said...

@Kevin
I just laughed out loud.

moeman said...

Thnx for the ten toes ticklin' kudos kidz.

kevincrumbs said...

@GG: I didn't think you'd like it, what with your anti-Szechuan KD stance.

HabsFan29 said...

fuck me

Ryan said...

Two Quebec guys score on us? About right.

HabsFan29 said...

are we going to remember this Florida trip as the moment the season was lost?

/typical reactionary Habs fan

Number31 said...

Only turnovers I like are filled with raspberry.

Also MAB against the Stamkos/St. Louis line = WHAT THE FUCK MIND IS BLOOOOWN!

Re. Vodkov/Price thing: Love how the guy who wiffed the puck into an unsuspecting Conklin turns around to the goalie they've hung out to dry game in/game out about his lack of heart after an OT turnover by two pylons.

Oh look, they're back to their pylonic ways again. Now I know why Price wanted x-ray vision (to see through his defencemen's asses)

Moey said...

Well, this game is hard to stomach. Mr. Moey was supposed to be landing in Tampa right friggin' now and staying for a week. But he had to cancel late last night. I was planning a week of KD and pizza for myself. I've missed the game so far because I was making him dinner. Kill.me.now.

Anonymous said...

Could we have a new coach please?

the Maritimer

Ryan said...

Hamrlik grilled Price after that one.

lehab said...

fuck this. last night they put me to sleep. tonight i am going to bed on my own see you tomorrow.

wv=coges, as in we need better coges

HabsFan29 said...

maybe the State of the Union will be more enjoyable

maybe going to the dentist will be more enjoyable

GoldenGirl11 said...

@Kev
anti-Szechuan, not anti-humour

Ryan said...

We should throw Laraque in to help out.

Oh wait...

Yeah, fighting is such a good idea guys.

GoldenGirl11 said...

@Ryan
Laraques can't help. He's tied himself to a tree in protest to his firing.

Ryan said...

I actually heard he's now protesting against the actual tree he was originally tied to. Apparently, a cow once brushed up against the tree, and this was too much for our favorite vegetarian to handle.

lehab said...

giant mexican squid line dance

Moey said...

In order to cheer myself up, I've poured a glass of "Arrogant Frog", underneath it says (croak Baronne).
The cartoon frog on the label(wearing a beret) could be BR's twin.

GoldenGirl11 said...

I wish Carey was tied to the tree. In another country.

Ryan said...

He's about as frustrating a player as I have ever seen, in any sport.

HabsFan29 said...

i'd like to announce i am now working on my thesis instead of watching. you guys will tell me about the big comeback, right?

Habsfan10 said...

Fuck this, I'm writing a Ten Thousand Things I Hate about this fucking team. Can't wait to finish in 11th and pick another fucking high school defender from the Midwestern US.

Fucking fuckers. I think I'll join Mrs HF10 and her friends watching Project Runway Australia.

Ryan said...

I'd rather watch "The Notebook" in Arabic then this team. It truly is incredible.

HabsFan29 said...

did we tie it up yet?

Moey said...

Grabbed the pitchfork out of the basement, anyone want to join me?

HabsFan29 said...

I've got some tar, someone get some feathers

GoldenGirl11 said...

@Moey
where we meeting?

HabsFan29 said...

did we tie it up yet?

orangeman said...

Fuck this fucking team. The season will end in one of two ways; They'll sneak into the playoffs somehow or they'll just miss the playoffs by <5 points. Either way nothing will change, just like every other year. I didn't see the game, I have no idea on the goals, but when was the last time Price won a game? I know it's hard to do when your team scores exactly zero goals for you, but seriously now.

Fuck this fucking team. I want them to lose every single game till the end of the season just cause that's the only way something will finally change. Now to grab my umbrella for the falling sky.

matt - watching the collapse said...

Just fold this team already...

Moey said...

GG,

The fucktards aren't back in town until Feb. 2nd. As of tonight, we have to go dark, no contact with friends or families. Further intructions via FHF's secret Twitter will follow.

WV - butsksi

As in, we're planning a secret ambush to kick the Habs' butsksi

gillis said...

the sky has fallen.

PS. do they always play "Louis Louis" after st-louis scores?

Moey said...

Make that family & instructions.

GoldenGirl11 said...

Synchronize our watches on Friday.

Moey said...

GG11 & 29,

The game's afoot.

Le Douze said...

OK, unlike last night I didn't fall asleep. JUST RAN SCREAMING FROM THE FUCKING ROOM, AROUND AND AROUND IN CRAZY CIRCLES UNTIL I BASHED MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL.

Is that an improvement?

How did you like that nifty between the legs setup for a nifty between the legs goal by Vinnie?

Oh, you say Vinnie's not yet signed with the Habs? Fuck.

- Le12

RiRi said...

JM tought it was an improvement... Yes, he actually said tonight was a better effort. I`ll have whatever drugs he`s on!

His pressers are so fucking repetitive... he`s like a robot.

Bulldogs won again tonight! 5-0!

MaxPac - 1 assist, +2
D`Ags - 1 assist, +1
Subban - 2 assists, +2

Fuck the fucktards who don`t show up on a nightly basis, I`m watching the bulldogs from now on. They`re far from the most talented team but they somehow make it work night after night. Gotta have a little something to do with the coach.

We should get one of those!

P.S. Looking forward to the "Top 100 Reasons Why I Hate This Team" post 2m!

gillis said...

Call up all the bulldogs and let them play. Oh wait, that's they did at the beginning of the season and it didn't fucking work.

I'm doing everything I can to make this team better. I've been trying everyting, like, sometimes i'll change channels a bit to see if its because of me that they are not scoring. If I miss a game and they win, i won't watch the next game, but listen on the radio, or make plans. I'll change the way I sit constantly until they score, then I'll sit like that for the rest of the game. I realized that if I even think the word "shutout", the habs won't get a shutout. I've yelled at people to get out of the room if they let in a goal after the person walked in. Fuck. I'm trying, what the fuck are they doing? Fucking slackers.

HabsFan29 said...

gillis we need you to give that speech to the dressing room. outstanding

Number31 said...

Can we call up Guy Boucher? Our current coach is broken.

Apparently Martini wanted the Habs to force the Bolts to play defence. Perhaps he's satisfied 'cause they FUCKING DID play defence. Better defence than ours. Two-players immediately snuffed out any Habs causing them to panic pass/shoot/turnover/fail.

Stamkos. I want one of those.

RiRi said...

I`m going with Martin`s take on this: look for positives.

On the bright side, at least Tanguay didn`t score and there wasn`t a "French Connection" hat trick.

Also, there should have been a clause in the CBA that, under no circumstances, should JM be allowed to coach post-lockout.

boob gainey said...

We're actually 13th in the conference in points per game.

We are the 5th worst team in the league.

Steve said...

I can think of one other "nickname" jersey - the SENS jersey.