BATTLE OF NATIONWIDE ARENA: BLUE WINS OHIO

Columbus, OHIO: Last night Ohioans faced a group red-uniformed invaders to the north, a group of Canadiens from an old fur-trading post formerly know as "Hochelaga", apparently recently renamed "Montreal." Thankfully, Columbus' very own Blue-Jackets defeated these foes, at the Battle of Nationwide Arena late last night.

The Battle itself seemed to drag on for hours, and seemed to last for an eternity, locked in a see-saw battle which saw both sides gain and lose ground. By all accounts, our blue jackets mounted the first successful offensive of the Battle, with a new recruit, Private R.J. Umberger, getting a shot through a forest of soldiers straight through to his red-coated target. The ease of this initial attack revealed some weakness on the part of the Canadiens' final line of defence, which reports indicate was manned by a disgruntled Slovakian mercenary brought over from Eastern Europe, Major Halak. In fact, several reports indicate that the red coats had hired many European mercenaries, including most of their leadership, including General Koivu and first Lieutenant Kovalev.

The Canadiens quickly regrouped, however, led by one of the few a native Canadien among the reds, Sergeant Tanguay. Thanks to the seargent's work the red coats briefly held an advantage over the blue jackets after another rifle shot by a Montreal native, a little know Private with conflicting reports on the pronunciation of his name, known to some as "Breezer" but to other as "Dead Wood".

However, the Jacket's last line of defence did hold on this night, thanks to a young recruit by the name of Steve Mason. Private Mason almost single-handedly deflected most of the offensive forces of the red coats, allowing his fellow soldiers to regain some offensive momentum, which eventually lead to two more successful raids against the backend of the red coats invading forces. Tragically, however, and when it appeared that our blue jackets were mere moments away from victory, the red shirts pulled out an improbable, last minute desperation
win when a pair of mercenary brothers from the far reaches of Eastern Europe , know only as "The Tits", gave the Canadiens life and another hope for victory.

After hours of Battle, the two sides came up with identical plans to surprise and demoralize its enemies. Each army would send it's 3 best attackers to attempt to break the others' last line of defence. When all was said and done, and although many independent observers predicted an easy victory for the northern invaders, it was the Blue Jackets who prevailed over the invading Canadiens.

Many Ohioans were privately wondering when the invasion from their northern enemies would arrive after reports indicating that our formerly British neighbours to the North have claimed victory in the War of 1812. Designed to coincide with the election of a new American President, a flagrantly war-mongering War Memorial was recently erected in the remote northern outpost of Toronto, said to commemorate the alleged "victory" over American forces in North York in 1813.

As all real Americans know, the United States has never lost a war - certainly not to Canada* - and this victory of course confirms that. The red-shirted losers are now reportedly on their way back to their native lands, although there is word that they are blaming their losses on the lack of reinforcements from Toronto. Apparently the red coats believe themselves superior to the forces in Toronto due to the Torontonians failure to win even a single war since The Great Expansion of '67. As the red-coated Canadiens stalked back to their home base, they expressed their desire for revenge and it appears the target at this time is in fact is York. Frighteningly for Toronto's nation, the red coats will be bolstered by reinforcements led by their very own soldier/wunderkind, Corporal Carey Price.

*Just to be clear, Canada (or British North America) did win the War of 1812 (if anyone could be called a winner - but I'd say burning down the other guy's Presidential residence is as good as a victory...)