Habs Overcome Breast Reduction to Defeat Senators: MTL 3 - OTT 2 (SO)

The Canadiens can seek comfort in two more undeserving points. Fans can cozy up to the fireplace with a cup of warm cocoa, resting with the delightful vision of Alex Tanguay backhanding his way to glory. But alas, we can't. Because these are hard times. Because we've lost something and for things to be the way they once were, we need that something back.

Because the Canadiens have lost their tits.

While the organization was hard at work over the summer building the appearance of a contender, two brothers in Belarus concocted a plan that threatened to throw the team in another direction.

Vanished. Pouf. Disappeared. Scooby-I’m-starting-to-get-a-bad-feeling-about-this gone.

FHF headquarters in Belarus is telling us that the brothers have done this before.

When they were children, while often left alone at home, the young Kostitsyns would spend hours on end making time pass by indulging in a game of hide and go seek. We are told that one cold winter morning many years ago, an amused Sergei told his big brother Andrei, “ok, I hide you seek”, and darted away. Simple instructions, even for the simplest of men, but that day Andrei had been distracted by the television and a new game he had recently discovered: Wheel of Fortune. The night before, 8-year old Andrei confided in his younger brother: “I want to go to America to turn letters like Vanna. I dream to turn letters”.

So as Sergei was telling Andrei that he would be seeking while Andrei would be hiding, a dazed Andrei understood the opposite, resulting in them both hiding. The Kostitsyns are known for their voracious tenacity, and so both brothers, unsuspecting and unaware of the miscommunication, stayed in hiding for days, each brother waiting for the other to find him. They were also plenty shrewd, and so their parents couldn’t find them for days. They were sure their children had run away. Mama Tits even told her husband that she had noticed how mesmerized her eldest had appeared in front of the television lately. Maybe he had darted off to America to fulfill a dream, to learn how to turn letters, and would return to Belarus as the country’s first Professional Letter Turner. Maybe, upon his return, he could even open a school where he could teach the craft of letter turning. The Academy of Letter Turning Technology of Belarus. Dare to dream, she thought, if only that were the reason her boys were gone. A mother can only hope.

Ironically, only hunger saved the boys, who had both been hiding in the same bed under the covers, oblivious to the fact that they had been 3 inches away from one another for nearly two weeks.

Now, alas, it seems the Canadiens, like the Kostitsyn family before, have lost their Tits. Don’t look beyond this fact when trying to conjure up some kind of logic to explain the team’s shortcomings so far this year. The tits are hiding under their metaphorical covers together again. And as the whole organization attempts to retrieve the Tits, by calling out Where Are You Tits? you can just hear the two giggling uncontrollably , tempting fate and defying the searching coaching staff.

But you know what, Andrei, Sergei? It’s not funny.

Your antics have extricated the zip out of what were intended to be two pure offensive lines.

Kovalev is doing just fine, as he still brushes strokes off his palette to paint pictures of wizardry. The Koivu line is carrying the team. But without the two tits in full force, this team loses much of what made it so menacing and multidimensional. It loses speed. It loses grit. It loses pure skill. It loses the advantage.

Last night’s game was the perfect testament to this. And don’t let Sergei’s two assists fool you, this was not a game the Habs won because of his efforts. Not in the least.

The Habs keep getting outplayed because the four lines Carbo rolls out are producing at half the rate they are meant to: two of those lines are stalling, because the two brothers are playing as if the first 50 games of the season were nothing but meaningless tune-ups. The agony.

You know what Andrei? You had dreams? We all had dreams. So you wanted to turn letters for a lifetime. I wanted to go on tour and sing backup for Barry Manilow. Cry me a river. Get over it. It’s time for the Canadiens to grow up and grow some tits.