Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Ladies and Gentlemen, On Stage to Bore You to Tears - The New Jersey Devils

Les Canadiens return from their West Coast junket to host the team that fun forgot, the New Jersey Devils. The Devils, as you know, are the mind-numbingly boring, trap-trap-til-you-drop, dour, nameless, faceless monster of dull created by Evil Genius Lou Lamariello, kept competitive by All-Universe goalie Martin Brodeur, a stout defence, timely scoring and an endless parade of grinders named Pandolfo or McKay or Brylin. They are the dark side of the moon for the new NHL, the fly in the Crosby and Ovechkin and Malkin and Lecavalier scoring soup. I hate watching them.

Waiting in line details: 7:30 pm EST start, LIVE! from the Bell Centre. Eastern Conference supremacy on the line as the always-in-the-mix Devils try and defend their perch against the happy-to-be-in-the-conversation Habs. Their last meeting was a test of wills, with the Habs trying their usual running and gunning and the Devils doing their evil, lull everyone in the building to sleep ruination of hockey thing. Jesus, I hate watching the Devils.

Pay Your Cover Charge to: Interchangeable Parts. Anyone willing to sit through that many Devils games is either a die-hard, an insomniac, or both.

Hot Sexy Habs to Watch: Koivu still scoring. Grabs centres the Danse a Dix again because Turtleplek remains felled by the flu. TFS between the stripper poles across the ice from the man whose mantle as "Best Goalie Ever OMG4SURE!!!" [trademark ESPN] is his for the taking soon (we hope).

Skanky Habs to Watch: Is Breezer playing? Cause we want O'Byrne back. The call for the return of Chips continues, as Slowinski still cashes paychecks he doesn't deserve. Gui! Gui! Gui! remains a nice kid but too bloody inconsistent. Oh, and hey, if someone wearing a CH on their chest would like to win some faceoffs, GO RIGHT A-FUCKING-HEAD. Seriously, does anyone even work on that shit?

Hot Sexy Devils to Watch: After being mind-tricked into signing a below-market deal last summer, Zach Parise is on pace for almost 40 goals, which makes him far and away the Devils leading threat. Brian Gionta always seems to score important goals, and Patrick Elias, while not the same guy who got some votes as best player in the league some years back, can still make you pay for mistakes. But like they have forever, the Devils go as Hall-of-Fame bound stopper Martin Brodeur goes; on pace for another 40 win season, all-time records for wins, shutouts, and opposing players frustrated in sight, Brodeur looks like he could keep the Devils in contention for another decade. For years, he didn't get the credit he deserved because critics claimed it was easy to tend goal behind Stevens, Niedermayer and Rafalski, but now Brodeur has the Devils in first place playing behind guys like Mike Mottau and Karel Rachunek. Oh, and his last three games he's 3-0, .972 save percentage and a 0.98 goals against. Fuck.

Evil, Evil Genius to Watch: We've run down the evil genius of Lou Lamariello before, but it needs to be said again: The man is intent on boring us all to tears, taking ill-gotten Stanley Cups and ruining all that is glorious about hockey. Fans of the Habs should feel even more grief when confronted by Lou's evil, evil ways: his Devils play "hockey" in a way that is the polar opposite to the firewagon Flying Frenchmen we all grew up with (post 1979 birthdates excepted. Sorry.) Seriously, the man got Zach Parise to take less money to play in front of 12,000 people a night in fucking NEWARK. That's some serious evil mojo.

Skanky Devils to watch: It won't matter. They've got an entire bench of clone shock troops ready to trap, hold, ice the puck, and grind the game to a halt just long enough for Brodeur and Parise to steal it.

Post-Game Entertainment: You're probably going to want to slit your own wrists if the Devils get their way tonight, so maybe it's best if you just go home and crawl into bed with a DVD of the classic 1975 New Year's Eve game. At least the souless, red-clad evil empire the Habs played in that epic played the game right.

Okay, let's hear dirty dirty thoughts from anyone who stays awake in the comments.

48 comments:

Anonymous said...

So Mikhail Grabovski is still in for Plekanec?

And what is wrong with O'Byrne? why oh why is Breezer playing??

Habsfan10 said...

According to RDS, Plekanec still has the flu and might be a game time decision. No idea why Breezer has been getting the nod over O'Byrne, but looks like it might end tonight.

Matt D said...

The "10 things I hate" about the Devils is going to be so awesome.

Loser Domi said...

They've got an entire bench of clone shock troops hehe, I can totally see this--one player gets hurt or starts shorting out, and the trainers bring it back to the dressing room and come back with another one:

trainer: (flips switch)
player: how are we doing?
trainer: great, you just scored a goal
player: WHOOHOO!

Loser Domi said...

@matt d: yep.

matt - ftc said...

On the Habs site it says the game starts at 7:30. Is there something I am missing?

Habsfan10 said...

Dammit! Fixed. Merci, matt-ftc.

Stupid CBC and their weekend 7:00pm starts always screw me up.

Habsfan10 said...

Last time I went to a weekday game, I went thinking it was a 7:00 pm start and sat there from 6:00 on wondering where the hell everyone was. The lesson, as always: HF10 is an idiot.

fezworth said...

That's ok, 10. My better half and I had our first experience with the time change this weekend. Wreaked havoc with our entire Sunday.

fezworth said...

Ok, I'm stuck at work tonight... I've been hearing about people watching the games online... Any idea where/how this can be done?

Schnookie said...

Wait, so let me get this straight... you think the Devils are boring? I may be wrong, but I think that's what you were getting at here. :P

Thanks for the link, by the way! As for how we manage to watch so many Devils games, it's a combination of being die-hards, insomniacs, and liking to complain. If the games get too exciting, there isn't enough time between plays to bitch about everything.

Loser Domi said...

fezworth--I usually go to nhl.com and click on the little boxes at the top that have the scores. But that's just audio. For video, I don't know. Probably same thing-ish, but like I said I dunno.

fezworth said...

schnookie, that's some serious positive thinking there, good for you! And the devils are definitely going to make the playoffs and go far, you poor thing.

If I had to watch 82 games of that, and then 2-3 rounds of the playoffs... Ugh. I'd rather try to strangle myself with the tv's power cord while simultaneously trying to ram the remote control up my own nose. I salute you, sir. ;-)

@LD: Yeah, I can always listen on CJAD or something, but I'm looking for the video. I've heard of foreign Habs fans watching online... I'm just not sure how it's done. I suppose if the game were to be carried on CBC, then it's usually streamed. Perhaps those are the only games where it's possible.

panger76 said...

If boring = 2 Cup titles, then bring on the pillows!

And as much as I love Marty, there is no question Roy is the greatest goalie of all time. Brodeur won with much stronger teams than the '86 and '93 winners, and he still hasn't won as many Cups or Conn Smythe's as St Patrick. Marty's regular season stats are better, but legends are made in the playoffs.

That being said, Marty owns MTL so maybe I should shut up.

Cowboyatheart said...

I havn't seen video online, but usually get the cjad feed from the nhl.com site to listen.

Anonymous said...

fezworth...try myp2p.com...it isnt consistent but when it works it's decent. you have to download a specific player.

sidenote: RDS was supposed to introduce live streaming of the games this year, but due to the amount of work ( and lack of production due to summer vacations, i'm sure) that was involved in preparing the HD broadcast, they werent able to get around to it

fezworth said...

I checked out myp2p.com... it seems to redirect me to tuningparts.com, an asian car parts site that proudly proclaims itself a:

"Shopping Mall Of used Car"

Funny that they used a lowercase 'u' there. Huh.

Is it Korean? I know it's not Chinese, or Japanese.

In any case, I can't find the "Watch Habs Online" link. Is it near the bottom?

I think the Fates are trying to tell me something. I should just stick with Murray Wilson and... who is it doing the play-by-play now? I can still remember when it was Pierre Macguire and Dino Sisto. Ahh, good times.

habslove said...

Ah New Jersey...I'll get completely plastered and the game might be semi-interesting

Montréaliste1 said...

Fez: You can get it online, on nhl.com, but its like 12 $ per game. But you should be careful, you don't want to fall asleep at work. Remember we're playing the Devils.

Sonia said...

Fezworth, try this link for myp2p:
http://www.myp2p.eu/competition.php?competitionid=&part=sports&discipline=icehockey

Sonia said...

Just heard on Team990 that Turtleplek is taking the warmup. Good sign!

HabsFan29 said...

hey kids! just thought id check before i head out for the last night of Austin debauchery. thank god i will be out drinking heavily and not watching this insomniac's dream game (and drinking heavily)

Pookie said...

f I had to watch 82 games of that, and then 2-3 rounds of the playoffs... Ugh. I'd rather try to strangle myself with the tv's power cord while simultaneously trying to ram the remote control up my own nose.

Yup, that's just about how we Devils fans feel! But, what are you gonna do with the hockey gods assign a team to you? No one chooses to be a Devils fan. :) That said, we get to see Marty play every game and Schnookie and I were in the building for G7 of the SCF in 2003 so all that tv-cord strangling ends up being worth it!

Hope it's a good game tonight!

fezworth said...

WOOOOOOO Sonia! you get my vote for best post of the night! So cool :-D

fezworth said...

@pookie: I hear you, you've certainly been able to celebrate more cup wins than I have. Since I've never actually celebrated one as a fan, I guess I should just shut my trap.

Sonia said...

Fez - Glad it worked!

Anonymous said...

To watch online:
http://myp2p.eu/competition.php?competitionid=&part=sports&discipline=icehockey

You can use the search function or whatever to figure out how/where to download the proper stuff for it. You'll also need VLC player.

Or, for the Frenchies (crappier quality, but more consistant):

http://www.justin.tv/habstv

fezworth said...

Allright Slowinski!

fezworth said...

Is it just me, or is Vs. more 'plugged in' to the ice microphones than RDS usually is? I can hear WAY more on-ice yelling than usual.

Sonia said...

Sakuuuuu! My boy! The son I never had...

fezworth said...

SAKU KOIVU!!! what a lovely pass by little tits. Sutter looks like he's just eaten a lemon. Or a whole box.

msevigny said...

I'm not watching tonight's game, I went outside and watched some grass grow instead. Seemed to work for the Habs. In the second I plan to do my taxes, and in the third period I may look for something pointy to stick in my eyes. ANYTHING but watch New Jersey again.

fezworth said...

msevingy, you are missing an awesome game. Laps just scored an equivalent of the Bouillion goal a few games ago...

Markov was all tangled up with Gionta in Carey's net, and nobody was watching Turtleplek and Lappiere just mosey up the ice. A quick pass across the crease, and it's friggin 3-0 Habs! This is totally insane.

msevigny said...

Well, I can't start watching NOW. I'm going to have to download it off the internet later or something. Otherwise I'm going to turn it on and Elias is going to start bouncing pucks off the rafters into the net.

There are times when I'm willing to be less superstitious about the Habs, but games involving Martin Brodeur are not those times.

grrrreg said...

Price is fucking amazing...

Bryan said...

fuck... the fans are singing Olé now..

Pookie said...

Where's that TV cord now...

fezworth said...

I don't really mind the fans singing Olé. I don't see it as a premature victory celebration, but as a general expression of joy, predicated on the fine play of their team.

In years of late, the chant has been heard at the end of games generally because there was utterly no confidence in the quality of the team; therefore, the fans could only feel comfortable singing their happiness near the end of the game that we were comfortably winning.

Nowadays, they're just telling the team that they are loved and cherished.

"Olé, Olé, Olé" == "We're just happy that you guys don't suck this year"

fezworth said...

And do they ever have a reason to be joyous. This is fucking insane. Carey Price FTW.

Sonia said...

We can say it now: SHUTOUT!

I think the Devils even showed some class at the end by not taking a final long slapshot at Price & instead conceding the shutout with a soft toss-in.

habslove said...

Holy Crap, did they just win or am I drunk out of my mind?

Anonymous said...

Pinch me. No, wait....don't.

Pookie said...

I think the Devils even showed some class at the end by not taking a final long slapshot at Price & instead conceding the shutout with a soft toss-in.

I think the Devils conceded the shutout when they took the ice for the opening faceoff!

Still, good game and congrats on the win Habs fans!

Sonia said...

Still, good game and congrats on the win Habs fans!

Thank Pookie.
Sweet dreams tonight everyone.

lawyergirl77 said...

Holy FUCK that was AMAZING!!!!

That is all.

Bryan said...

lg77 you need not say more

HabsFan29 said...

its 230 AM Texas time, 330 AM Mtl time, and I am totally smashed, but did the Habs beat the Devils 4-0 or am I hallucinating???

wow.

grrrreg said...

3 wins in a row versus Brodeur and the devils. That may well be the most surprising accomplishment of this team...