Monday, September 24, 2007

No Sex in the Champagne Room: The FHF Season Preview reveals its schoolgirl-crush on Chris Higgins

FHF, in conjunction with Telefilm Canada and StripperCorp, is pleased to offer our Habs season preview with no cover charge. For FHF virgins, you may want to review our trademarked Stripperriffic Rating System before tipping the bouncer.

Look, up in the sky! It's the Habs own Superman, everybody's hero, Mr. Christopher Higgins. We will try to remain objective, but damn, do we love Higgins.

The tits - Tremendous hockey sense and talent to match. Higgins is versatile enough to be the Habs best winger and is a potential number one centre too, and he has great chemistry with Koivu on the top line. A willing and able defender, he's also a very dangerous penalty-killer. He can score in bunches and had 8 goals in the first 13 games last year before an ankle injury slowed him down. Higgins is a workout warrior and spends his summers looking for ways to improve. A potential future captain and team scoring leader, he's hit the 20 goal mark in both of his first two years in the league.

The cellulite - Let's see ... he's a forward for the Habs, so size is an issue. Higgins is a willing forechecker and spends tons of time receiving punishment in front of the net and in the corners, but he's not going to ever be confused with his best buddy Komisarek on the way through the airport. He's listed at 6'0 and 200 pounds but looks smaller. All that battling takes a toll. He can be a bit of a streaky scorer. A lot of teenage girls like him, so there could be ear-piercing screams when he gets his good-lookin' mug on the Bell Centre scoreboard.

The armpit hair - That ankle injury scares me a little; freak occurrence or the start of an injury-plagued, Koivu-esque career that tantalizes but never becomes what we hoped for? For the love of Guy, please let it be the first choice.

In the VIP Room - A lifelong Habs fan, Higgins claims current Habs assistant Kirk Muller was his favourite player growing up. If he moved to the middle he might be Muller with better hands, a legitimate 40 goal threat that takes important draws, kills penalties, sets up linemates with passes that make the Bell Centre go "ooooohhh!!" and collects Cups because of the "C" on his sweater. As it stands now, he's one of the leaders of the young gun Habs, the team's best all-around winger, and, until Kovalev cures his in-game narcolepsy, the team's best chance at cracking a top twenty scoring list. He's the team matinee idol; loved by the FHF, young girls from NDG, tough dudes from St. Henri, grandmothers from Westmount and the working class in the East end. Stay healthy, and the All-Star game beckons. (Oh please, stay healthy so that the All-Star game beckons.)

Chez Parée Bound? - Going in a stretch Hummer with a police escort. Getting the best seat in the house. Having strippers from other joints leave work early to come to Chez Parée to sit at his table, buy him drinks, and make sure he gets home safe whenever he decides it's closing time.

9 lap dances (out of 10). - Higgins says he wants to become a 40 goal, 40 assist man and win Cups. Don't bet against either occurrence. (Okay, you could probably bet against the Cup ... this year.)

Signature Song - Foo Fighters - Hero. I told you we loved Higgins. Our site, our crushes.

4 AM Smoked Meat Sandwich:

I am comfortable enough in my masculinity to say 3 little words to Chris Higgins: I love you. And if I love him, you can bet Panger thinks he’s God.

Panger: Higgins is My Boy. If the injuries are behind him, he’ll be a star by the end of the season and you’ll be wishing you had picked him earlier in your hockey pool.

When are we talking about Gui! Gui! Gui! Tomorrow? Fine. I'll wait...OK, OK, I'll admit it. Higgins is my favorite Hab too.


watson said...

Higgins is the freakin man. In fact, there's a facebook group that says exactly that, and if it's on facebook, it must be true!

HabsFan29 said...

I think all the FHF are members of that FB group, except HF33 who refuses to join FB for fear his old girlfriends might find him

Topham said...

Higgins is a great player, but I don't agree that he is not the Habs best chance at cracking the top 20 in scoring.

Koivu makes Higgins better. If Higgins cracks the top 20, Koivu will be there with him (and with more points).

Jordi said...

What the hell is with this facebook thing? I have to bitch slap my sister before she gets off the damn site and off the chair.

Higgins is a stud, there's something magical about him which makes him a perfect player for the Habs, even when he does oh not so well.

But as far as crushes go, he's no Komisarek.