Tuesday, September 11, 2007

No Sex In The Champagne Room: The FHF Season Preview - Tomas Plekanec

FHF, in conjunction with Telefilm Canada and StripperCorp, is pleased to offer our Habs season preview with no cover charge. For FHF virgins, you may want to review our trademarked Stripperriffic Rating System before tipping the bouncer.

Let’s start with a moderate bang. Tomas Plekanec, part of the Habs core of the future. And the present. Well, based on half a season.

The tits – really solid two-way player. Talented (enough) on O, responsible on D. That, his speed, his hockey smarts, and his work ethic earned him major time on both the PP and PK last year by season’s end. Durable – played 81 games in ’06-‘07, sidelined only by the nasty boogie-woogie flu that killed us last year. Averaged about a point per game over the second half of last season, even as he played with like, a dozen different wingers. Followed that up with great play at the 2007 IIHF Word Championships for the Czechs.

The cellulite – he’s a Habs center, so duh, it’s size. Listed 5’10” 196 lbs is generous, though he’s not quite a Smurf. Throw in possible lack of strength and toughness.

The armpit hair – his actual hair. Look at that photo. It’s like his rookie-hazing shave is still growing back. And the whacky accents in Tomáš when written in Czech

In the VIP Room – for this HF, Pleks has our eternal gratitude for providing a reasonable facsimile of a second line center, allowing Habs to get rid of our nemesis Mike “I’m injured so I can’t get up, no wait I can get up I was just being a self-centered pussy” Ribeiro. We love the way he never complained last year when thrust between 2 lazy Russians whose lazy play got Pleks a ticket to the 4th line. Pleks is changing his number this year, reverting from 35 to his old favourite 14, made possible by the departure of Radek Bonk. He’s on the first year of a two-year, $3.2 million deal after earning the league minimum last year. Still a bargain imho.

Chez Parée bound? In a limo. If the last half of last season is any indication, we see 60-75 points and a key role in the Habs’ Hunt for 8th Place.

Signature songWorkin’ Hard for the Money.

8.5 lap dances (out of 10) – we’re talking relative scale to the Habs here, not the league, so don’t freak on me. And half a lap dance is possible – it’s that first song that already started so she doesn’t dance or charge you, but sits down and puts her hand on your thigh and talks.

The 4 AM Smoked Meat Sandwich - looks like I was too nice:

HF10: Pleks was a pleasant surprise last year, but on a contender he isn't a number two centre. He's a good little player but more suited for the third line, where his speed, talent, and defensive smarts remind me a little of two former Habs, one of whom is his current coach.

Unfortunately, the other one is Sebastien Bordeleau.

Panger: Ditto FHF 10’s comments. Plus, what's with that ever-present turtleneck? Does he have a mal-formed adam's apple or something? I wonder if he'd wear that turtleneck to a strip club?

HF33: If he had the tits all year round, he'd be a Sergei Fedorov in the making in that he can play both ways. But both ways, beside meaning offense and defense, also means good and bad and that relegates the team's second line, yeah the one he centers, to a taste of the ordinary.


Orville Red said...

Uh oh, look at our centers down the Plecking order...looks pretty grim brothers to me.

Kovy's Kid said...

Plekanec is as honest a mediocre player there is.

Long live not making the playoffs!!!

El Debarge said...

Super funny theme guys.

What is No Sex in the Champagne Room?

Melanie said...

Why start with Pleks when you have so many more talented players to...wait, good choice.

Latour said...

El, this must be a wink to Chris Rock.

HabsFan29 said...

heh melanie.

el debarge, this is for you:


Jordi said...

I'd suggest Sheldon Souray's to be Gold digger but oh wait, he left. Sad.

I'm suffering the lack of faith like everyone else. He did fix it a little 2nd half of the season but when people were still raving about him, I just didn't see why he was great. He turned up on the scoresheet but he still had me thinking that the turtleneck was designed to cut circulation from the brain.

But he shows promise so maybe secretly he's just trying to get rid of all the Euros on the team so he can be the only one they'll love.

panger76 said...

Well now that everyone is agreeing with us, I think Pleks is going to have a great season and be a full-fledged #1 Center by the end of the year. So there.

BC Tory said...

I'm just writing re: HabsFan33's comment on my blog.

I'm creating a Canadian hockey blog, and HF33 said he may be interested in contributing. I'm just writing this for confirmation for him, or, if he isn't up to it, anyone else here.

lawyergirl77 said...

I think Pleks is an underrated player, and I think that he might be even better this year!!

*takes off rose coloured glasses*

Ah, fuck, we're doomed...