Sunday, September 23, 2007

No Sex in the Champagne Room: The FHF Season Preview Ignores the Spell Checker for Tom Kostopopoplopolopolous

FHF, in conjunction with Telefilm Canada and StripperCorp, is pleased to offer our Habs season preview with no cover charge. For FHF virgins, you may want to review our trademarked Stripperriffic Rating System before tipping the bouncer.

Tom Kostopoulos. The name just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? But who is this Greek God of Hockey ready to take his place amongst the Habs greats, er, lunch pail workhorses? Don't ask me, I barely ever heard of the guy.

But I guess you are asking me, cause you're here on FHF. So with an assist from The Google, let's see what we can come up with.

The tits - classic grinder. Not afraid to go into the corners or pick a fight. Never gives up on the play. Responsible on D. Heart, energy, grit, etc. in the Bégin mold. Hopefully entering his prime at 28. Great guy in the locker room, the kind of guy who would kill or die for his teammates. Kings voted him unsung hero last year, and the Kings fans supposedly really like him and we're really upset to see him go. I didn't know there were enough Kings fans to get upset about anything.

The cellulite - for a grinder / tough guy, not so big at 6'0". Not much of a scorer, though better than an average goon. Exactly 22 points per year each of the last 2 years with the Kings. He did average a point per game in the 2003-2004 playoffs, but it was for Wilkes-Barrie.

The armpit hair - for a 4th line defensive guy, you don't like to see negative +/-, but Tommy Boy is -29 for his career, with nary a year on the plus side. Though admittedly that was for the Kings and pre-Crosby Pens.

In the VIP Room - The FHF really don't know what to make of this guy. Besides talking about what nickname we should give him, we are pretty in the dark here. $900,000 per season for two years seems like a little much for a guy who may be getting a reserved seat in the press box. On the other hand, he might be a serviceable replacement, if not an improvement, for Aaron Downey or Mike Johnson. But on the other other hand, if his signing means there is no room for a rookie like Chipchura or Locke, I'm annoyed. But on the other other other hand, the FHF always likes the character guys, they are a necessity. Note the ambivalence here.

Chez Parée Bound? He's waiting for the bus. We'll see.

5 lap dances (out of 10) - Seems about average.

4 AM Smoked Meat Sandwich:

HF10 - Last year Mike Johnson did a competent enough job on the fourth line, but I'll bet most fans couldn't pick him out of a police line-up. I expect Greek Lightning to perform similar to Johnson, but with some Mediterranean flair to boot. A round of ouzos on the house!

Panger - I'm not sure what he brings to the team besides a little veteran depth - he's not an upgrade over Mike Johnson and doesn't seem to bring much size, which the Habs are in dire need of. Maybe he'll add something in the locker room and some energy on the 4th line, but I hope by the end of the year younger players are pushing him out the door. Although I hate to disagree with HF29, Corey Locke will not be one of those players.

HF33 - Who?


HabsFan29 said...

Corey Locke was a bad example. Give me Matt D'Agostini baby!

Jordi said...

I think everyone should wear a turtleneck for this week to honour our proud Czech showing the kids how hat tricks are done.