Friday, September 28, 2007

No Sex In The Champagne Room: The FHF Season Preview is On the Fence About Mark Streit

FHF, in conjunction with Telefilm Canada and StripperCorp, is pleased to offer our Habs season preview with no cover charge. For FHF virgins, you may want to review our trademarked Stripperriffic Rating System before tipping the bouncer.

Well, before we get to the big three, we still have a few undersized defenders to look at. Today, it's everyone's favourite Swiss Mis(ter), Mark Streit.

The tits - Can play on the wing or on defence. Decent skater, and moves the puck quickly and intelligently when playing on the backline. Can quarterback a power play. For a forward, his size is decent. The captain of the Swiss national team, he has lots of experience in international play, which I suppose could come in handy when the Habs have that crucial home and home versus HC Frolunda in November.

The cellulite - For a forward, his size is okay, but when he moves back to the blueline, he becomes yet another small Habs blueliner. Still looks a little out of sorts when playing up front because his instincts are to play as a defender.

The armpit hair - He's Swiss. Switzerland is the home of skiing and chocolate and banking and clockmaking and heavy metal band Celtic Frost but not a lot of top-notch hockey. He's the captain of the Swiss National team, sure, but that's mostly by default as the only Swiss NHL'er not playing goal. Like many other Habs defenders, he gets shoved around by large, angry men in different coloured jerseys.

In the VIP Room - Little known NHL rule/UN resolution 137.45 b) (ie "The National Symbol Rule") allows Streit, as a Swiss citizen, the right to carry a "Swiss Army" stick that can also be used as a broom, ski pole, ice augur, canoe paddle, and shovel. The same National Symbol rule was once invoked by Belfast, North Ireland-born winger Owen Nolan to escape suspension by citing the rule as the reason he used a shilleagh and a bottle of Dewar's to batter former Hartford Whaler Glen Featherstone in a Nords/Whalers brawl in 95'.

Chez Parée Bound? - If he goes, he'll be on time. ('Cause he's Swiss, get it? Watches? 'Cause they make ... oh, forget it.)

Signature Song - Coldplay, Clocks. (Too easy? Too bad. You come up with a signature song for a Swiss-born 6th defenceman/4th line winger and see what you end up with.)

5 lap dances (out of 10) - He's versatile, skates well, doesn't do stupid things to hurt the team. No real "wow" factor, not going to dominate ... what can I say? I'm (wait for it ... wait for it ...) neutral. 'Cause he's Swiss, get it? Eh? Neutral? Oh, shut up. It's been a long offseason.

The 4 AM Smoked Meat Sandwich

HF33 - Streit had that one game last year in which he was introduced into the lineup as a forward for the very first time. He played with intelligence and defensive awareness. The coach was very impressed with his natural response to this new position. Problem though: his time as a forward risks eroding his instincts as a defenseman. It’s time for the Swiss inquisition; fully convert the man or leave him be.

HF29 - Whatever.

Panger - I think he's highly underrated. He's perfectly suited to the New NHL, in the same mould as Jean-Micheal Liles or Marc-Andre Bergeron. Think of him as a 21st Century version of Gaston Gingras. He's not going to be a top-4 for years like Markov or Komo, but for 3-4 years in his prime he will be a useful, if not high impact, player. Last year he showed commitment to the team that impressed the braintrust, and this year they are going to play him at his preferred position if at all possible - not to say his days as a forward are necessarily done. Still, I wouldn't be surprised if by the end of the season he's considered the #4 defenceman ahead of Franky Bouillon, Dandenault et al.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This piece was timed to perfection.