No Sex in the Champagne Room: FHF Season Preview Presents (sigh) Patrice Brisebois

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Wow. What a task. The FHF have chronicled the Breezer's return to a Habs uniform and it ain't been pretty. This whole town has, shall we say, feelings about this particular Hab. No pressure.

So look at that photo above. Breezy is totally dominating Iginla (with a glove to the face). He's, like, an amazing D! We're so lucky to have him! Great signing, Bob! [pause for comedic hammer to the forehead]. That's better. Let's get serious.

The tits - he's, uh, a veteran D who can maybe bring leadership in the room, and has, uh, maybe a couple of offensive skills left and can maybe, uh, be a back-up third string PP QB. He's the only current Hab who has won a Cup in a Habs uniform. We're not paying him that much. I hear he does a lot of charity work. We're starting to stretch here.

The cellulite - he's old, slow, fragile, prone to gaffes in his own zone (to put it mildly), prone to gaffes in the other two zones, and most fans hate him. That enough? There's alot more, but I have neither the time nor the inclination to list it all.

The armpit hair - got injured on the first day of training camp by... walking into a doctor's office. Hey-yo! But it's true. His groin (hey-yo!) was out of whack (hey-yo!) before he could even get a uniform on and he failed his physical. Total harbinger of the season to come.

In the VIP Room - Ok it's rant time. WTF is he doing here? Seriously. Can someone explain it to me? You don't bring back a guy who was practically run out of town when he doesn't have any skills left to make up for that. There are plenty of other veterans around to get leadership from. He's a total distraction. He's a waste of space. What was the point of this???

We've said it before and we'll say it again, the FHF mantra "Trust Bob" was stretched to the limit with this signing.

Chez Parée bound? In an ambulance. The best thing for everyone would be to have him injured around game 10 before it gets ugly, he goes on IR for the rest of the year, and then retires next summer with a modicum of dignity.

Signature Song - "Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)"

0 lap dances (out of 10). Like trying to avoid eye contact with the "full-figured" stripper as she walks by your table.

4 AM Smoked Meat Sandwich:

HF33 - I just threw up a bit in my mouth.

HF10 - "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Panger - What can I say that hasn't already been said? How about: I think he's a great addition who will bring alot to the team. OK now I have to go take a shower in sulfuric acid.