Wednesday, September 19, 2007

No Sex in the Champagne Room: FHF Season Preview Presents (sigh) Patrice Brisebois

FHF, in conjunction with Telefilm Canada and StripperCorp, is pleased to offer our Habs season preview with no cover charge. For FHF virgins, you may want to review our trademarked Stripperriffic Rating System before tipping the bouncer.

Wow. What a task. The FHF have chronicled the Breezer's return to a Habs uniform and it ain't been pretty. This whole town has, shall we say, feelings about this particular Hab. No pressure.

So look at that photo above. Breezy is totally dominating Iginla (with a glove to the face). He's, like, an amazing D! We're so lucky to have him! Great signing, Bob! [pause for comedic hammer to the forehead]. That's better. Let's get serious.

The tits - he's, uh, a veteran D who can maybe bring leadership in the room, and has, uh, maybe a couple of offensive skills left and can maybe, uh, be a back-up third string PP QB. He's the only current Hab who has won a Cup in a Habs uniform. We're not paying him that much. I hear he does a lot of charity work. We're starting to stretch here.

The cellulite - he's old, slow, fragile, prone to gaffes in his own zone (to put it mildly), prone to gaffes in the other two zones, and most fans hate him. That enough? There's alot more, but I have neither the time nor the inclination to list it all.

The armpit hair - got injured on the first day of training camp by... walking into a doctor's office. Hey-yo! But it's true. His groin (hey-yo!) was out of whack (hey-yo!) before he could even get a uniform on and he failed his physical. Total harbinger of the season to come.

In the VIP Room - Ok it's rant time. WTF is he doing here? Seriously. Can someone explain it to me? You don't bring back a guy who was practically run out of town when he doesn't have any skills left to make up for that. There are plenty of other veterans around to get leadership from. He's a total distraction. He's a waste of space. What was the point of this???

We've said it before and we'll say it again, the FHF mantra "Trust Bob" was stretched to the limit with this signing.

Chez Parée bound? In an ambulance. The best thing for everyone would be to have him injured around game 10 before it gets ugly, he goes on IR for the rest of the year, and then retires next summer with a modicum of dignity.

Signature Song - "Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)"

0 lap dances (out of 10). Like trying to avoid eye contact with the "full-figured" stripper as she walks by your table.

4 AM Smoked Meat Sandwich:

HF33 - I just threw up a bit in my mouth.


Panger - What can I say that hasn't already been said? How about: I think he's a great addition who will bring alot to the team. OK now I have to go take a shower in sulfuric acid.


Habsfan10 said...


Francis Chary said...

C'mon guys.. maybe he'll be better this year.


Anonymous said...

Habs - Souray + Brisebois = a dark hole in my brain

el debarge said...

Loooooooved all the Smoked Meats!!!

Levonrules said...

Is this Gainey's way to motivate the room? Miss the playoffs and I bring back Brisebois, miss them again and make room for Barry Richter.

Anonymous said...

No honestly we should have known something like that was coming.

In the recent and not so recent years we've had a flurry of washed up defencemen way past their prime.

Murray Baron, Dave Manson, Zarley Zalapski, Scott Lachance, Janne Ninimaa, Karl Dykhuis, and so on.
Patrice Brisebois is just the next logical step.

We also let our top prospects rotting in Hamilton. No wonder Emelin went back to Russia.


Anonymous said...

Brisebois is Bob's excuse if we don't make the playoff.

PS. JT, all of the above had at least one more thing than Brisebois... a spine.

Big E

stever said...

he drives a nice porsche and he ran over Jack Todd, thats gotta be worth something? right? right...