Sunday, September 16, 2007

No Sex in the Champagne Room: The FHF Season Preview - Mathieu "El Dandy" Dandenault

FHF, in conjunction with Telefilm Canada and StripperCorp, is pleased to offer our Habs season preview with no cover charge. For FHF virgins, you may want to review our trademarked Stripperriffic Rating System before tipping the bouncer.

So it's a run on defenders now, as we follow Markov with one of the backline's lesser lights, Mathieu "El Dandy" Dandenault.

The tits – Experience. El Dandy won three Cups with the loaded Red Wings over his first ten years in the league, so he's not going to be overwhelmed by the big occasion. A very fast skater, he can jump into the rush when needed. Can be used on a second power-play unit if a better option is lacking. Usually pretty durable and at least tries to get his nose dirty. Versatile enough to play up front and willing to do it if it's the best thing for the team. A Quebecer who wanted to come home and play for the Habs, he obviously gets what being a Canadien is all about.

The cellulite – El Dandy is never going to wow anyone in the offensive end despite his speed and fancy nickname. At 6'1 205, he still isn't much of a physical presence, and is overmatched by power forwards in the corners and in front of the net, so he needs a head-cracker for a partner. I have no problem calling him "El Dandy", which must say something about his toughness.

The armpit hair – El Dandy has been in the league 11 years, and TSN says he "Still struggles to pick up the finer points of playing defence." Well, that ain't fucking good.

In the VIP Room – One of El Dandy's brothers was on CBC's Making the Cut, and another was on Lance et Compte (He Shoots He Scores for our non-Quebec readers). Insert your own "so they all play NHL defensemen on TV" joke here. El Dandy is a French-Canadian who came home to play, and he plays hard whether he's up front or on the blueline. The FHF can appreciate that. Word from Carbo is he's in a dogfight for a spot with some of the rookies, but he's a handy insurance policy to have around if someone falters. Having three Cups on his resume might make him trade bait if the Habs are out of it early, but if he stays around he's one of the only guys on the team allowed to look Carbo, Gainey, Beliveau, Lafleur, Cournoyer and whomever else is wandering the halls flashing Cup bling in the eye when speaking.

Chez Parée bound? – If he plays hard and does what a depth defender is supposed to, he can hitch a ride there, but he's probably going to freeze his butt off in line for awhile before he gets in. Unless of course he dressed as "El Dandy"; then it's straight in, private booth, no cover and complimentary bottles of Patron for all.

Signature song – "Bye Bye Mon Cowboy". C'mon, like Mitsou isn't right for a guy I've christened "El Dandy"?

6 lap dances (out of 10) – Depth guys get depth marks. He's a good guy to have around, and if he gets 75 games in the jersey this year it wouldn't be the worst thing. The worst thing still wears number 43, I believe.

The 4 AM Smoked Meat Sandwich -

HF33 - "The worst thing" thinks that he can fool the good people if disguised in a 71. Evil. But back to the Dandy lion. I thought this 3 time cup winner would be muuuuuch better. I have now come to realize that the Wings would have won every single one of those three cups WITH OR WITHOUT HIM. He doesn't make the team better, he doesn't make them worse. He just is and that just bites.

HF29 - I like his experience. I like him as a depth guy. I like that he plays forward when needed. I like his nickname. But as an overall player, I'm completely indifferent.

Panger - There is no way I can follow up a "Bye Bye Mon Cowboy" joke, so I'm not going to try. All I'll add is that I hope Ryan O'Byrne outplays him for the 6th D spot.


Bryan said...

uhh didn't he wear 25 ?

watson said...

El Freaking Dandy, baby! Whoooooo!

That is all.

Jordi said...

TSN says he "Still struggles to pick up the finer points of playing defence." Well, that ain't fucking good.

It was on TSN so it must be true! Nah, I kid I kid. He's decent, never wowing but to me fairly handy to have around. Coulda been worse.

stever said...

wrost slap shot in the NHL... Some women on team canada have better slapshots, fact.