Wednesday, September 26, 2007

No Sex in the Champagne Room: The FHF Season Preview Presents...

FHF, in conjunction with Telefilm Canada and StripperCorp, is pleased to offer our Habs season preview with no cover charge. For FHF virgins, you may want to review our trademarked Stripperriffic Rating System before tipping the bouncer.

Erik Estrada has captured the hearts of millions of fans world-wide as a result of his six year run starring as highway patrol officer Frank Poncherello in the highly successful television series, "CHiP's". What do you mean that’s not the rights “Chips”? Oh, you meant Kyle “Chips” Chipchura. Ok then, let’s go.

The tits - all about grit, character and may become the heart and soul of this team after Saku. Good size at 6’2 200, and used it well although he’s no wrecking ball like Begin. He’s likely the type of player that most fans won’t notice much as there isn’t much flash to his game, but his role is indispensable to a team’s success - think Mike Keane, although probably with a little more offense (not that that is a great measuring stick). Plus, since HF10 stole Higgins from me, I’ve decided that he’s My Boy this year; well, if he makes the team, otherwise I'm going with Komisarek.

The cellulite - Obviously he hasn't proven himself at the NHL level. It’s unlikely he’ll ever lead the team in scoring, probably only enough offensive talent that he’d fill in on the second line, but would earn his living on the third line. May be similar to Higgins in that his physical style may lead to injuries - but he's also likely to down blocking a Souray howitzer if it'll help the team win, so we'll accept that.

The armpit hair - Kyle isn’t a pro hockey player name; Exhibit A: Kyle Wellwood. Plus coming out of the WHL there’s always the Vallis/Bilodeau/Wilke curse to worry about. Also may not make the team out of training camp.

In the VIP Room - Mentioned as a potential future captain from the moment he was drafted, he’s already been captain of his junior team as well as the Canada’s perfect entry in the 2006 WJC. Although we’ve heard the same about Higgins, Komisarek and this Ryan McDonough guy we drafted this year. Hmm, all anglos - clearly a conspiracy. Why hasn’t 110% freaked out about this yet?
Also, in his draft year the Habs picked him instead of Andrej Meszaros (my pick that year) and so far Meszaros has had the upper hand career-wise. That may change, though.

Chez Parée Bound? - Yeah, although you probably won't notice him, this season anyway. He's in the back with that smoking hot girl who was on stage 5 minutes ago.

6.5 lap dances (out of 10) - Just like Price, I can’t give a guy who’s on the bubble anything higher. But next year I’m betting it’s an 7.5/8.

4 AM Smoked Meat Sandwich:

HF10: Natural leader, good hockey sense, excellent defensively. Not the glamour boy that gets the fans rocking, but the type of player we all know is essential to any successful team. I hope he's a fixture in the lineup for the next 10 years.

HF29: What happened to the other guy from CHiPs? And BTW Panger, Komisarek has been my boy since he was drafted, so you need someone else. Re Chipchura, just read what HF10 wrote; he's way hockey-smarter than me.

HF33: He already looks like he's in his thirties. Poise, Jerry! Poise! That's what I see in Chips. A calm demeanour that shoud have a ripple effect in the room. Hmm.... Chips,... ripples....intersesting...


Anonymous said...

future Habs C or A. I watched him play in Juniors and he is a real presence on the ice. I hope he makes the team.

HabsFan29 said...

im PRAYING he makes the team. we need him!

Senators Lost Cojones said...

Hey, we had a guy just like that in his rookie years. Mike Fisher. You may have heard of him?

If young Master Chipchura has the chops to make it in the NHL, you gotta hang on to guys like that, although it pains me to say so to a division rival.

Now...ahem...about that picture...