Saturday, September 29, 2007

No Sex in the Champagne Room: The FHF Season Preview Presents Francis Bouillon

FHF, in conjunction with Telefilm Canada and StripperCorp, is pleased to offer our Habs season preview with no cover charge. For FHF virgins, you may want to review our trademarked Stripperriffic Rating System before tipping the bouncer.

It part two of the undersized defenceman series, FHF looks at Franky Bouillon.

The tits - Throws out some absolutely bone-rattling checks, and a fan favorite for it. Also respected for his work ethic, he's like the blueline version of Steve Begin. Built like a small tank. Francophone, which keeps a segment of Habs fans happy. Looks like he has a nice tan 365 days a year.

The cellulite - Duh, he's small. Although he does play a physical game, he tends to wear down against physical opponents. Not much offense, as he's never scored more than 3 goals or managed to reach 20 assists. Did I mention he's not large?

The armpit hair - He was injured last year and he took a step back in his play, but even if he regains his form there's still not much upside there. Plus, hearing unilingual Anglophones trying to pronounce "Francis" properly.

In the VIP Room - Although you can't help but like this guy, you have to believe the Habs need to upgrade if they hope to take the next step and be considered Stanley Cup contenders. His days should be numbered, with players like O'Byrne, and Emelin expected next year, along with the "Big-3" of Markov/Komo/Hamr, which leaves one spot for Streit, Georges or Franky. And Valentenko and Carle are next in line. If one omission was too subtle, let me just add that I don't have a lot of faith that El Dandy will be in the mix after this season, if not sooner. (At the same time, I would be thrilled to have him prove me - and the rest of those on the anti-Dandy bandwagon - wrong.)

Chez Parée Bound? For the time being certainly, and he doesn't even have to pay cover. But only because Komo sneaks him on under his coat.

Signature Song - "So Small", by Carrie Underwood. I love Google.

5 lap dances (out of 10) - Basically a less talented but more physical equivalent to Streit.

The 4 AM Smoked Meat Sandwich:

HF29 - If we could somehow use the an torture rack and some weights to make him 3 inches taller and 30 pounds heavier, I’d keep him around. But since that’s not happening, make room for the new guys

HF33 - He's the other D that will pull off a rattling check that engulfs the Bell Centre with that unmistakable crashing noise of the boards. It's incredible to see but unbelievable to hear.

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