Tuesday, October 07, 2008

No Sex in the Champagne Room: FHF Reads Between the Four Lines - Season Preview of The Forwards - This Title Turned Out to be Longer Than I Expected

After the wait of a lifetime for a decision from the Sundin camp, Camp Sundin, Habs GM Bob Gainey signed three veterans, of all shapes, sizes and colors, to bolster what was already a quite capable group of forwards.

Gone: Bryan Forgive My Muscular Dystrophic Approach to Skating Smolinski. Forward, No! Defenceman, No! Wait! Mark Streit signed with Long Island. Tom Kurvers announced his retirement in a moving press conference last June. And Michael Ryder's body was found stuffed in a bag in the woods near Boston, thus closing a chapter on a sombre story about the Missing player.

Say Hello to My Little Friend: Alex Tanguay showed some balls and signed with the Habs. He gets my vote on account of that alone. George Laraque gets my vote because I'm afraid he'll rip out my kidneys through orifices I didn't even know I had if I type a negative breath on this site. I actually went to high school with George. He used to ask guys to line up and punch him in the stomach, one after the other. Mensa called George, they said no. Robert Lang, now known as Gang Bang Lang, can also easily go by Fall Back Lang, or Plan B Lang. If Sundin's a Hab today, Lang is playing with EV Zug on a line with Paul Dipietro in the Swiss A-League.

Glad You Stuck Around: Big Tits signed a 3-year deal worth less than he's worth, which will probably look like a bargain by the 12th game of the season.

I'll Love You Forever If You Stay the Same: Kovy. My pants. Movement.

Is This The Year You Finally Grow up:..., Guillaume Latendresse?

But Before we get to the forwards, let me just say this:

Jaroslav Halak signed for 2 years, and I'm hoping my Jaro posts put my kids through college one day.

Gainey took care of Josh Gorges and Rhino by signing them both to 2-year deals and gave them a 7-year contract for a new show on The Food Network, "Cooking with Josh and Ryan" that should debut in the fall.

Why Oh Why Can't You Take a Hint: Patrice Brisebois returns for a farewell tour. Expect a circus show to follow the team around as NHL teams pay tribute to Brisebois before games. Colorado has announced that they will raise his number to the rafters, by actually lifting Brisebois with a rope wrapped around his neck.

OK, OK, You're Both Captains: Koivu wears the "C" and commands the room but you can't help but think that Komisarek will lead this team for years to come, that is unless he shuns the opportunity to become one of this team's longest standing captains. He reminds us of Scott Stevens, minus the reckless assholeness, but he can be a reckless asshole.

For Every Pound Lost, It Better Be a Game Found in the Spring: Carey Price can expect so see a lot of ice time this year. The team will survive into the later rounds in May if TFS plays par for the course. If he doesn't show proper form quickly, Jaroslav Halak will contribute to my unborn kids' college fund.

Line 1: Kovy - Pleks - Big Tits: Believe it or not, this line doesn't go with Kovy, it goes with Pleks. Kovalev tanked 2 years ago because Sergei Samsonov was playing with an aneurysm. Ribeiro was not exactly handy either. With an emerging number one center, Kovy has found joy in life again. And we don't want his head on a platter anymore. Everybody wins.

Line 2: Alex Tanguay - Koivu - Higgins : Is this the best line Koivu has centered in his career? Tanguay has been a stable 70-point man, Koivu has been steadily injured. Should work fine. Higgins is either like having sex with someone who takes forever to climax or someone who will finally show the ability to have several orgasms at once. Yeah, that didn't make much sense to me either, but I'm too tired to hit backspace.

Line 3: Gang Bang Lang - Little Tits - Guillaume Latendresse (too disliked for a nickname - maybe that's his new nickname). Anyways, ya, Too Disliked for a Nickname can putz around for a few more games before his new name becomes Max Pacioretty. You can just hear Carbo thinking: "Go ahead, try me". Little Tits should see some time on the second line until the coach anchors him on the proper trio. Gang Bang Lang can win the face-offs, and find TDFAN (now he sounds like an admirer of a Canadian banking institution) for the garbage goals he will need to be christened with an actual nickname. One of the most offensively promising third lines this team has iced in years. The times of a the shut down line appear to be over, as the team opts to roll 3 dangerous lines on offense. But can you abide by that logic come playoff time? Right, too soon to say playoffs. We'll cross, or jump off, that bridge when we get there.

Line 4: Laraque - Begin - Lapierre. Step. Out. Of. The. Fucking. Way.

In conclusion, I really hope you liked my post: It's a solid group of forwards. The expectations are HUGE. They will contend for top ranking power play squad, fastest team in the NHL and most threatening on the penalty kill. Sure the huge power forward is still MIA, but then again, so is Osama Bin Laden and he's still making movies. Again, that made no sense. Big Tits can have one of those years and become THE offensive star this team can build around for years to come. Kovy found out that he can tame the reporters if he gives them fine play, a good DVD release, and solid quotes. He also learned how to say "No comment" in Russian when a mike from Moscow is shoved in his face.

4 a.m. Smoked Meat Sandwich:

Panger: That is the best top 9 we've had in years, and Chips will not be a career forth-liner, either. I'm not sure Gui! is among the top 9 by the end of the year, though. Fuck Mats, Gang Bang wants to be here and he didn't even have a choice.

HF29 - Shit that photo says it all.


Montréaliste1 said...

hilarious, goo job.

HabsFan29 said...

I quite enjoyed Osama in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

Anonymous said...

Tanguay did not sign with Habs. He was picked up via trade.

Number31 said...

Yes, but he waived his no-trade clause to come here.

Line 4 sounds like fun. Especially when sprinkled with a touch of Kostopoulos. Also as soon as Laraque actually...plays.

Anonymous said...

Three things:

1. I welcome the inevitable on-ice death that will arrive when Craig Hartsburg rolls out Neil-Fisher-Ruutu against BGL-Begin-Lapierre. 2nd Degree Murder: Is This The Year?

2. Because I root for another team, I consider myself a fan of Guillaume Latendresse, and submit "The Lonely 84" as his nickname. Also, he did this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpX3f0fPCsg

3. Cornbread. Ain't nothing wrong with that.

jmg said...

Great post!! I LOL'd through the whole damn thing!! Go habs go! (Guillaume = 'Soft Goo'?)