Enemies of Les Glorieux! Do you quake with fear at the announcement of our new leader? Are you not paralyzed by your own inadequacies, now that the most exalted mind of Jacques Martin, Defensive Guru, has taken his rightful place amongst the titans in Les Habitants dressing room? Do you not know that this mastermind, the winningest coach in the history of TWO of the most storied expansion franchises of the 1990's has made it his mission to right the wrongs of the past decade for the most storied franchise of all? Tremble as you face the might of this newly reconstituted managerial, coaching, and hockey playing juggernaut!
And you! The ungrateful proletariat scum that alternately worships at and grovels before the altar of awesomeness that is your Montreal Canadiens! Do not trouble us with your namby-pamby concerns over the Defensive Guru's perceived faults! Do not cite "boredom" as a reason for slighting the glory of the Defensive Guru, who turned Jason Spezza into the Selke winner in waiting he is today! He who took an Ottawa Senators organization from the depths of despair into the Eastern Conference champions, only vanquished in the Finals by corrupt referees and an Anaheim team featuring 14 Hall of Famers! Do not play mosquito to the ear of the Gods, complaining that the Senators and Panthers were defense-oriented, not when the official Party records show that the Defensive Guru's teams regularly average 15 goals a game, and that every Florida Panther ever coached or managed by the Guru set career highs in goals, assists, points and highlight reel appearances every year! This is a man so confident in his own Defensive brilliance and so cunningly subtle in his offensive wizardry that he could allow them to trade Roberto Luongo away just to win without him! Because he can! Only God himself can devise an offensive game plan sophisticated enough to crack the armour of the Guru!
Do you not know the offensive arsenal that can be unleashed, now that our players are secure in the knowledge that the Guru has devised a defensive masterpiece so airtight that they can merely relax and attack with relentless, remorseless fury? Witness the wizardry that our masters of puck sleight-of-hand like Kovalev, Kostitsyn and Gorges will dazzle with, now that the Guru has come to guide them!
Do you not know the genius of a man who took a downtrodden Senators franchise to heretofore unseen heights on the back of Patrick Lalime? Can you imagine the futility of attacking the Guru's system backstopped by all-universe goalie Carey Price? Our enemies will gnash their teeth and weep like children, unable to muster any answers!
Do you not realize that our Defensive Guru hails from Greater Rockland, neighbour to the venerable birthplace of St. Guy of Thurso? Are you not aware that our St. Guy first demonstrated his otherworldly talents as a member of the Rockland Boomers? Who do you think was the architect of his magical acension into the pantheon? The Guru was there from the beginning! Tremble as he wields the might of the power of St. Guy on a new generation!
You fear the arrival of Mario Tremblay? The man who singlehandedly delivered two Stanley Cups and countless successes on the weaklings known as Colorado? Adding a man of such unique talents and abilities, aligned with the genius of the Guru will only cause our enemies more consternation! The power of a man who can stare down St. Patrick compels you to genuflect!
Yay, I tell you that there will be those amongst the non-believers who crow at the Guru's lack of success versus the infidels of the Blue and White. Let them know that God himself needed to rebuild the entire earth before finding his chosen people! The Guru's time with the Senators and Panthers was but the impetus for the new Genesis of glory that comes from finally being united with the chosen, Les Habitants! The Don River will run red with the blood and tears of the non-believers after the Guru brings hell to the House of Sodom known as the ACC! We will not be denied! The Guru will stand astride the NHL as a bilingual, stoic, shining beacon of fantastic! He will become the collosus that crushes all before him in a vice-like grip of defensive acumen married to the Canadiens already otherworldly offensive talents! You will not doubt him, or you will not be party to the glory and joy of victory!