Monday, June 01, 2009

Now We Have Your Attention!

Enemies of Les Glorieux! Do you quake with fear at the announcement of our new leader? Are you not paralyzed by your own inadequacies, now that the most exalted mind of Jacques Martin, Defensive Guru, has taken his rightful place amongst the titans in Les Habitants dressing room? Do you not know that this mastermind, the winningest coach in the history of TWO of the most storied expansion franchises of the 1990's has made it his mission to right the wrongs of the past decade for the most storied franchise of all? Tremble as you face the might of this newly reconstituted managerial, coaching, and hockey playing juggernaut!

And you! The ungrateful proletariat scum that alternately worships at and grovels before the altar of awesomeness that is your Montreal Canadiens! Do not trouble us with your namby-pamby concerns over the Defensive Guru's perceived faults! Do not cite "boredom" as a reason for slighting the glory of the Defensive Guru, who turned Jason Spezza into the Selke winner in waiting he is today! He who took an Ottawa Senators organization from the depths of despair into the Eastern Conference champions, only vanquished in the Finals by corrupt referees and an Anaheim team featuring 14 Hall of Famers! Do not play mosquito to the ear of the Gods, complaining that the Senators and Panthers were defense-oriented, not when the official Party records show that the Defensive Guru's teams regularly average 15 goals a game, and that every Florida Panther ever coached or managed by the Guru set career highs in goals, assists, points and highlight reel appearances every year! This is a man so confident in his own Defensive brilliance and so cunningly subtle in his offensive wizardry that he could allow them to trade Roberto Luongo away just to win without him! Because he can! Only God himself can devise an offensive game plan sophisticated enough to crack the armour of the Guru!

Do you not know the offensive arsenal that can be unleashed, now that our players are secure in the knowledge that the Guru has devised a defensive masterpiece so airtight that they can merely relax and attack with relentless, remorseless fury? Witness the wizardry that our masters of puck sleight-of-hand like Kovalev, Kostitsyn and Gorges will dazzle with, now that the Guru has come to guide them!

Do you not know the genius of a man who took a downtrodden Senators franchise to heretofore unseen heights on the back of Patrick Lalime? Can you imagine the futility of attacking the Guru's system backstopped by all-universe goalie Carey Price? Our enemies will gnash their teeth and weep like children, unable to muster any answers!

Do you not realize that our Defensive Guru hails from Greater Rockland, neighbour to the venerable birthplace of St. Guy of Thurso? Are you not aware that our St. Guy first demonstrated his otherworldly talents as a member of the Rockland Boomers? Who do you think was the architect of his magical acension into the pantheon? The Guru was there from the beginning! Tremble as he wields the might of the power of St. Guy on a new generation!

You fear the arrival of Mario Tremblay? The man who singlehandedly delivered two Stanley Cups and countless successes on the weaklings known as Colorado? Adding a man of such unique talents and abilities, aligned with the genius of the Guru will only cause our enemies more consternation! The power of a man who can stare down St. Patrick compels you to genuflect!

Yay, I tell you that there will be those amongst the non-believers who crow at the Guru's lack of success versus the infidels of the Blue and White. Let them know that God himself needed to rebuild the entire earth before finding his chosen people! The Guru's time with the Senators and Panthers was but the impetus for the new Genesis of glory that comes from finally being united with the chosen, Les Habitants! The Don River will run red with the blood and tears of the non-believers after the Guru brings hell to the House of Sodom known as the ACC! We will not be denied! The Guru will stand astride the NHL as a bilingual, stoic, shining beacon of fantastic! He will become the collosus that crushes all before him in a vice-like grip of defensive acumen married to the Canadiens already otherworldly offensive talents! You will not doubt him, or you will not be party to the glory and joy of victory!

42 comments:

L Dude said...

I cannot stream at work (unless I'm facing a urinal), so any play by play of the announcement is appreciated.

HabsFan29 said...

the tears of laughter that pour down my cheeks will nourish our glorious collective defensive farms

HabsFan29 said...

Martinizer: really excited, good nucleus of the team. He doesn't know yet none of the some are signed

Bob: needed an experienced coach. JM was a perfect match

Boob Gainey said...

Good nucleus ?

Maybe he means Price, Hamrlik, Jorges, Laraque, Lapierre, & Latendresse.

Melly said...

@L Dude:
Martin: proud to join the organization, blah blah passion, history, tradition ... Bob's a great boss ... team has a good base of skilled players to build a winner ... coaching here will be a great opportunity and a challenge.

Surprised and flattered to be approached by Bob for the job, blah blah huge respect for Gainey, Gauthier and Timmins (worked with in Ottawa). Had some talks with Bob about players and coaching philosophy, etc, feels like they're on the same page.

Proud French Canadian, happy to be back in a bilingual environment.

HabsFan29 said...

*none of the some <-- don't even know what that means

JM saying Habs have good front office and hockey personnel. Bob and him had good chemistry in talks. hockey is religion. im happy to get back into this kind of market. fans passionate and commtted

(fans SHOULD be committed...)

Bob: was my first choice, but not the only choice. no compensation at all to Florida. steal!

HabsFan29 said...

JM: I have NO assistant coaches in mind yet.

Bob: I FIRED ROLLIE MELANSON. WOOOOOO!!!!!!!

(the CAPS and WOOOO were mine)

Melly said...

Bouwmeester: still under contract with Panthers, Martin not going to talk more about it.

Assistants: Martin will talk to them, however, Rollie the Crappy Goalie coach is done!

(thank Jeebus)

Boob Gainey said...

No assistants hired yet or considered.

The Tremblay rumour is therefore a rumour.

Melanson fired.

Melly said...

@HF29:
Hahaha, nice jinxing.

Pension Plan Puppets said...

That last paragraph is great. Sodom and Gomorrah cannot wait to see what our good friend Jacques Martin will do in Montreal.

Godd Till said...

Absolute genius, gentlemen. Well played.

Tom said...

"He who took an Ottawa Senators organization from the depths of despair into the Eastern Conference champions, only vanquished in the Finals by corrupt referees and an Anaheim team featuring 14 Hall of Famers!"

Technically, Bryan Murray was the coach when the Sens went to the finals. He hasn't coached the Sens since 03-04.

That's just if we're speaking technically (and factually).

furcifer said...

Glad to see you guys are keeping good humour about the announcement.

THE PARTY HEADQUARTERS said...

@ Tom:

DO NOT DOUBT THE FACTS AS PRESENTED! THEY ARE CORRECT! THE PARTY WILL SEND SOMEONE TO YOUR HOUSE FOR YOUR REEDUCATION IMMEDIATELY SO YOU DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE TWICE!

Boob Gainey said...

Martin is a great choice. Smart, experienced, even tempered, just like Gainey.

The Tremblay rumour was complete bullshit.

CKAC for fucks sake!


I can't believe we ever doubted Bob.

L Dude said...

Stupid boss - wanting me to do work...

Anyway good reads one and all. Thanks for the update. I check here before reading stupid sites like TSN...

I was kind of 'meh' on the whole JM thing. Kind of 'blech' with the Tremblay thing.

Now, with JM and no Tremblay and no Rollie, I'm more like 'yay'. But still just a small caps yay. Definitely not a WOOHOO or even woohoo. Let's wait and see how his assistants shape up. I would love to see Robinson hired as a defense coach. Then, I upgrade to a WOOHOO.

L Dude said...

Edit: The more I think on it, the more it's "Yay." Not all caps yet though.

L Dude said...

Sleepy time is over. Got to change my picture.

L Dude said...

As I think more (fuck work), these moves all go back to Bob trying to make his decision to stick with Price as the goalie of the future look like the right thing to do:

1) Fire goalie coach. Check.
2) Hire defense-minded coach. Check.

Still to come:

1) Hire baby sitter for Price. I know some ladies who'd take that job for cheap...

2) Musical-taste conversion. With Carey listening to "My dog died, my truck broke down and my wife left me" before games, it's no wonder he can't get up for these games.

HFF33 aka Panger said...

No one is going to make the Demers comparisons? Really? We're not desperate enough to clutch at the "first experienced coach since we won the Cup" argument? OK.

Meh, we'll see. But if they hire Tremblay the Bob Gainey Era is dead to me.

lawyergirl77 said...

The one bright spot out of the truly shit eating day I'm having...

Rollie's gone.

Thank Jeebus indeed.

Beta169 said...

@L Dude - Kolzig fits the bill nicely, and he and Fat Whale Kari are buddies. (Can he call Price FWK until his first win of the season as an homage to our man Holla Back Halak?)

Robinson as assistant and Roy as goal coach maybe? Keep Captain Kirk please.

Kmaxx said...

Ok...I'll take JM - scared the shit out of me with Tremblay rumour...and no more Rollie fuckin up the goalies...things are looking up!

Boob Gainey said...

So... people who've been fired so far because Carey Price is a lazy fuck:

1. Guy Carbonneau

2. Roland Melanson.

I hope for your sake you're not next, Bob.

moeman said...

I like this hire.

JM has been slagged for no real good reason. Oh wait, most of it came from the toronto-based media (weighted with Ottawa hate and nearly a half-century of not making the Finals angst, not even in 1993). Now go get Robinson or Eric Desjardins amd call Francois Allaire.

The bonus of the JM hire is it'll shut up some of the Montreal media nutjobs (for a while, until the Habs don't pick a Francophone in the upcoming draft, cushioned by getting Vinny?)

Also, Rolly, don't let the door hit you on the ass.

kevincrumbs said...

If there is a God, may he give Mario Tremblay a job far, far away from the Bell Centre. Perhaps with one of those KHL teams with wacky names. Metallurg?

Thank God fucking Mellanson is gone. THANK FUCKING GOD!

As for Jacques Martin, I'm not over the moon or anything but he can't be worse than Carbo, right? Or at least he can't be worse than Tremblay?

Word verification: Bless. I'm not even kidding.

moeman said...

Life could be worse, you could be Eminem;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlMVbyfjdKo

Bruno's flic is gonna be some hilarious fun.

The Gate To The Groin For Yannick Bertrand said...

i haven't said a word since the boston series...

but that was one solid piece of writing.

ps. "welcome to the thunderome jacques" is my new favourite tag

William J said...

Formerly known as Van Hab

If they hire Tremblay, I'm becoming a Canucks fan.

bond said...

what a wondrous announcement which should help to steer the CH in their 101th year somewhere between 7th and 12th place next season. can i still buy a brick??

Daniel Plainview said...

I really like this decision. yes, the Habs aren't anywhere near the Cup but this guy is excellent with young players and the defensie system he implements will benefit the young goalies immensely. And you wouldn't win fuck all either if Patrick Lalime was your starting goalie.
And I'm not as against a potential Tremblay hiring as I should be.

Rips it, scores! said...

Thank God, Melanson's gone. Everybody dance now!

PS: Just finished watching games 1 & 2 for the Stanley Cup Final. Congrats on your back-to-back titles, Detroit.

Anonymous said...

Dudes and Dudettes...

Unless you stated it elsewhere, Martin never took the Sens to the Finals. In 2003, he took the Sens to Game 7 against NJ in the conference finals and lost. Bryan Murray took the Sens to the Finals.

Just putting it out there!!!

THE PARTY HEADQUARTERS said...

ANONYMOUS! DO NOT FOLLOW THE PATH OF OUR FALLEN COMRADE TOM! ACCEPT THAT THE PARTY KNOWS THE OTHERWORLDLY ACHIEVEMENTS OF OUR NEW DEFENSIVE GURU! ALL FACTS STATED IN THE ABOVE-MENTIONED POST ARE CORRECT! YOUR REEDUCATION IS IMMINENT!

Boob Gainey said...

Laraque approves:

"«Je crois que c’est une bonne décision», lance Laraque d’emblée. «Il est un entraîneur très respecté qui a fait un très bon travail avec les Sénateurs. On a également vu ce qu’il a accompli l’an passé en tant que directeur général des Panthers."

Didn't make the playoffs. Lost Jay Bouwmeester for nothing.

Hopefully, he can add "Traded Georges Laraque for a stack of practice cones" to his list of achievements for the year.

Number31 said...

That's cool I guess. We need defense, so he gets defense. We need a system, so he gets a system. And he's only coached for like ever, so we finally get a coach. Woo. He was also a goalie. Hey, who'd have thunk it.

Just gotta say, he better start winning against the Leafs or he'll be DOOMED.

Back to the beach for me.

HabsFan29 said...

All commentors bow to THE PARTY HEADQUARTERS lest they start banning you like over at Deadspin

hey I just thought of something. how come no one has mentioned that any new owner might want to bring in his own coach?

South Shore Habs Fan said...

Montreal's new systemIn all seriousness, though, I'm happy with the move.


How long 'til le Journal "breaks" JM's secret predilection for hookers and coke?

Daniel said...

he is due to win against the Leafs. this should be easier seeing that he no longer has to rely on Patrick Lalime.

punkster said...

To South Shore Habs Fan:
I'd bet a week of your salary that them thar media types is already brewin up a real believable "unbelievable" about our boy Jack already. Two or three most likely, just in case the first one doesn't stick.

eyebleaf said...

This was fucking amazing.