Sunday, February 22, 2009

Gone Baby Gone - Two For One Game and Movie Review: Habs 5 - Sens 3


The Game:

This is horrible news. Our beloved Canadiens are missing. The team that doesn't play defense, can't score, can't hit the net, won't hit a human being, likes to take a hit of crack was NOWHERE to be seen yesterday afternoon.

It seems that the operation began as early as 12 pm when masked men started making their entrance in luxury cars at the Bell Centre parking lot. The masks worn were inspired by the Mission Impossible series, and appeared as exact representations of the players' faces. The shrewd tactics eluded building security and the 22 men were allowed to trickle into the Canadiens' dressing room unsuspectingly.

Meanwhile, in a St-Henri warehouse nearby, the real Canadiens laid in a dark room, tied up, and helpless, grimacing in fury despite the handkerchiefs stuffed in their mouths to muffle the screaming. Only Andrei Kostitsyn was able to let out a few words from the side of his congested mouth: "It's 2 o'clock and I'm going to miss my happy finish on Parc Avenue!"

Coach Guy Carbonneau entered the dressing room to find the men half dressed and quiet. He delivered a 4-minute sermon reminding the team of what they had learned in practice the day before. The men shrugged their shoulders in confusion. "What was the lesson we learned yesterday?", Carbonneau insisted. After a tense silence that needed to be broken, the man who looked exactly like Francis Bouillon said "Team, it's all about the team". Carbonneau accepted the answer reluctantly.

The players made it on the ice to start the game and things went remarkably well. The man who looked EXACTLY like Kovalev made a perfect pass to the PERFECT imitation of Tomas Plekanec. On the bench after the goal, the Kovalev imposter frantically pointed towards the guy with the Plekanec mask "You're mustache!!! It's falling off! Fix it! Fix it before they see it!".
Then the Kovalev imposter jumped back on the ice and stopped a Senator from leaving the zone, hopped on the puck and wristed it past Ottawa's goalie. "This is strange", he said, laying on his back, the puck sitting behind his goal line.

The fake Canadiens jumped to a 4-0 lead and everything was going according to plan. At the warehouse, Pasquale Mangiola was montioring his squad's progress on the various screens he had set up in his headquarters. "Perfect", he relished. "This is perfect". His right hand man. Vinny de la Vinny looked at him in awe: "Boss, I can't believe those Tits brother's gave you all this info without asking questions! Players addresses, DNA samples, doubles of their house and car keys! I mean you got EVERYTHING! Now we can just let the boys do this job and we'll make millions off the bets! Boss! You're a fuh-king genius! It's a beautiful thing!" Pasquale looked at Vinny de la Vinny confidently: "On Tuesday, Vinny, we win 8-3, we put Vitto, I mean Carey, back in nets. Vegas won't know what hit'em, badabing, badaboom!"

The team was locked-up for the entire afternoon. Andrei realized what he had done and was horrified. How long would they hold them in here. How long till the next happy finish. What about Sergei? Would Sergei catch on to this plot? Would he save us?

The impostor team played a strong game, but still did not want to leave all traces of normalcy behind. For these reasons, they still allowed nearly 50 shots on impostor Halak, and looked very much like the real Canadiens in doing so.

This team of impostors we saw last night may turn out to be made of the stuff fans have been longing for. We may never want to real team to be rescued. The entire team has been kidnapped and nobody knows. To find them, AXE marks the spot. In the meantime, the real Habs are Gone Baby Gone

The movie: Gone Baby Gone

Morgan Freeman, sit your pansy, sagging narrating ass down for TWO minutes and tell me what the hell you were thinking when you kidnapped that girl!!!! Fool, are you trippin?!!!!

Ben Affleck, all is forgiven, even Jersey Girl. No, not Jersey Girl, that's unforgivable. But Daredevil is forgiven and forgotten. That was some smooth directing son. Glad you were original enough to remake Mystic River, the movie that was released two years before, we really needed a fresh, new, modern perspective of that film.

Casey, if it looks like an Affleck, talks like an Affleck, quacks like an Affleck, has a last name that is Affleck, then we know it's an Affleck. Good performance playing Mark Wahlberg.

Ed Harris, you slip into the villain's shoes so easily and we love you. You can be an astronaut, a dying poet, or a badass corrupt cop, it's all good baby. You can play nude Macbeth and we're in for the treat. You can play Norbit's twin, it's fine by me.

Strong movie. Weird breakup at the end, which was very Affleck like. This was probably Ben's secret wish to have J-Lo abducted and killed. Good luck, Benny. As MJ once said, Heal the World, Make it a Better Place.

6 comments:

moeman said...

Parts of that were lifted from réjean 'laine extra pure' tremblay.

eyebleaf said...

I picked up Kovie in my pool.

He was sublime yesterday.

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA LOLLLLL
OMG I LAUGHED SO BADLY WHILE READING THIS :P
AWESOME <3

Moey said...

The really scary part about this is that sounds like something I might have written. Perish the thought. I use FHF as a measuring tool for greatness, not your best work, but I'll cut you some slack, it's been a hell of a week.

fezworth said...

How's this for interesting? Our goal differential is exactly 0 today.

GF: 184
GA: 184

Shutdown said...

How about, we're 18-6-4 at home.... yea.

13-16-3 on the road.