Thursday, November 19, 2009


This just in. Injury Report for November 19, 2009.

Brian Gionta: Broken foot, out indefinetley

Andrei Markov: Torn thingy in his knee. Out till spring, maybe longer. maybe he'll never be back.

Hal Gill: Torn something something. Out 3-5 weeks. That's impossible because injury periods are always estimated in even numbers.

Georges Laraque: Back busted up real good. Out like Neil Patrick Harris at a club in Ibiza.

Ryan O'byrne: Tugged purse strings. Out on bail.

Jaro Halak: Burned forehand making stew for team. Out of ideas for next Jaro post.

Matt D'Agostini: Razor burn from first shave. Out for the season.

Jaro Spacek: Severed ass cheek. Now has two but cracks, but ass wide enough to handle the added perforation.

Roman Hamrlik: Exploding appendix. 30 to 32 days.

Andrei Kostistsyn: Cracked ri, uh,.... no, no, just crack. Likes to smoke crack.

Scott Gomez: Ruptured vein in third finger of left hand. Out for the season.

Mike Cammalleri: Cataract in foot. Out indefinitely.

Glen Metropolit: No Rapid Eye Movement. Out of Time.

Kyle Chipchura: Four concussions. Out of his mind if he thinks he's making a career in the NHL.

Guillaume Latendresse: African Sleeping Sickness. Get out of Bed, Gui!

Carey Price: Harpooned at sea. Out of the water.

Josh Gorges: Drowned in failed attempt to rescue Price. 2-4 gallons out of his body, following CPR with tongue performed by Kyle Chipchura.

Max Lapierre: Dislocated location. Out 2-3 hours.

Tomas Plekanec: Unhealthy scratch following a night out with a girl met at a bar.
N.B.!!! (This just in from GG: Too bad Pleks isn't playing like a girl. You could've used "has his period, out 3-5 days and then cranky like a bitch for the rest of the month")

Sergei Kostitsyn: Deep bruise in the belly button. Out of the womb already you impossible child.

Tomorrow's lineup:

Forward Lines

Pacioretty - Moen - Stewart

Defense Pairings



offspace said...

Harpooned at sea... this is killing me.. can't stop laughing...

HabsFan29 said...

following CPR with tongue performed by Kyle Chipchura


blaz said...

Harpooned at sea literally made me spit out my tea. And this isn't my keyboard.

GoldenGirl11 said...

If you hadn't posted the lineup I'm not sure anyone would have noticed the difference. Four skaters and I bet they'd still manage to take a too many men penalty at some point in the game.

Robbie said...

Absolutely hilarious! Best part is 60% are fact!

moeman said...

Gold, Jerry, Gold.

Jaybird said...

Amazing stuff!

Hey maybe we can call up Emelin, Valentenko, Perezhogin or Grabovski to fill the gaps?

Oh, wait.... nm


Moey said...

Good stuff, as always.

gillis said...

Is that what PK stands for? I just asumed it stood for penalty kill

Laszlo said...

Laughed until I almost choked! Great post - keep it up :)

Anonymous said...

hilarious! im reading it in class and am trying my hardest to keep from laughing out loud!!

Chenny13 said...

We're number 6! We're number 6!

At least we're near the top in something...

Senators Lost Cojones said...

This just in!

PK Suban: Crushed will to live. 3 to 5 teams.

/never passes up a comedy pyramid

kevincrumbs said...

Awesome post.

The only downside is that it's not so funny when you think about how JM will probably try a Patches-Moen-Stewart line at some point.

David Wilkie's Ghost said...

Between the rash of freak injuries and general on-ice crapitude, this season is starting to feel a lot like 1999-00. What have we done to anger the Forum ghosts? Oh right, the constant whoring of their legacy.

GoldenGirl11 said...

Wanna be my date for the 100th centennial party on the 5th? You can wear the christmas shirt and I'll wear the pjs. But no undies as we'll be dressed as legacy whores.