Brian Gionta: Broken foot, out indefinetley
Andrei Markov: Torn thingy in his knee. Out till spring, maybe longer. maybe he'll never be back.
Hal Gill: Torn something something. Out 3-5 weeks. That's impossible because injury periods are always estimated in even numbers.
Georges Laraque: Back busted up real good. Out like Neil Patrick Harris at a club in Ibiza.
Ryan O'byrne: Tugged purse strings. Out on bail.
Jaro Halak: Burned forehand making stew for team. Out of ideas for next Jaro post.
Matt D'Agostini: Razor burn from first shave. Out for the season.
Jaro Spacek: Severed ass cheek. Now has two but cracks, but ass wide enough to handle the added perforation.
Roman Hamrlik: Exploding appendix. 30 to 32 days.
Andrei Kostistsyn: Cracked ri, uh,.... no, no, just crack. Likes to smoke crack.
Scott Gomez: Ruptured vein in third finger of left hand. Out for the season.
Mike Cammalleri: Cataract in foot. Out indefinitely.
Glen Metropolit: No Rapid Eye Movement. Out of Time.
Kyle Chipchura: Four concussions. Out of his mind if he thinks he's making a career in the NHL.
Guillaume Latendresse: African Sleeping Sickness. Get out of Bed, Gui!
Carey Price: Harpooned at sea. Out of the water.
Josh Gorges: Drowned in failed attempt to rescue Price. 2-4 gallons out of his body, following CPR with tongue performed by Kyle Chipchura.
Max Lapierre: Dislocated location. Out 2-3 hours.
Tomas Plekanec: Unhealthy scratch following a night out with a girl met at a bar.
N.B.!!! (This just in from GG: Too bad Pleks isn't playing like a girl. You could've used "has his period, out 3-5 days and then cranky like a bitch for the rest of the month")
Sergei Kostitsyn: Deep bruise in the belly button. Out of the womb already you impossible child.
Jacques Martin: It's out of my hands for now.
Pacioretty - Moen - Stewart