Monday, November 30, 2009

TMS is all "FUCK YEAH" for Monday, November 30th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning the Grey--FUCK YEAH WHAT A FINISH DID YOU SEE THAT JESUS CHRIST!!11111!...
Hey look, HF4 had a late review yesterday. Scroll down to check it out.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Boys Will be Boys: Game/Wedding Results: Couple Weds, Caps Beat Habs 4-3 (so)

"How much time left?"

There's a reason this review is coming to you so late. I've been waiting for this pic all day taken by my buddy PG during last night's wedding festivities.

Pictured above, FHF faithful Manny B. and Karim K. seconds after the bride and the groom entered the room and began their first dance together.

I should have been handing business cards out last night because after, I'd say, like, 3 quarters of the guys poured out of the reception hall and into the bar at the Mount-Stephen Club midway through the third, most women were left contemplating how quickly they were going to divorce the bums they had married. Thankfully, the groom didn't join in on the fun.

When one of the wives showed up to locate and retrieve her errant husband, I attempted to rescue the man by shouting "Hey! Who turned on the game! Change it back to Desperate Housewives!" That may have made matters worse.

The best thing about going M.I.A. for about 25 minutes is that I got to avoid watching this loss in the middle of the night. I can't offer much of a review because we were all drunk, and nervous and keeping one eye on the screen and the other on the life threatening danger of wife passing by who would inevitably offer us a "What the fuck are you guys doing?!"

My wife rules and actually came in to watch the shootout with me. What you resist persists folks so don't hide from the spouses, just ask them to join you for the fun, otherwise you create an adversarial context that leads to a clash of civilizations that would make Huntington drool.

Squid needs to come up with a new move on the shootout, yes, but the Habs need to find ways to not get there 7 times a week. The Pleks goes wide thing is getting as old as George Burns in 1876. Let's not be too harsh on these boys; as Manny B. and Karim K.'s Blackberry and Ipod will attest, (it will attest 12 or 13 times on a given evening, say during the first dance, during the best man speech - thank the good Lord it wasn't an afternoon game, because scores would have undoubtedly been retrieved in Church and guests would have been excommunicated - I, the only invited Jew, would have been safe though because Jesus can't hurt me because Moses will not let him) the team kept it close for 65 minutes, which is all you can ask for when most of the players are on the mend.

Letting this one slip away with 20 seconds left in the game didn't help us on a night where we tried our darndest to keep things positive in the face of our friends' beautiful commitment to a life together. The party slipped for a few minutes until we realized that on this night, the loss didn't really matter, and we put it all in perspective to immediately grasp the deep significance of the moment we were all celebrating: despite the rash of injuries, the Habs were only 2 points out of a playoff spot.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Relax, He's Playing, Your Tickets for Tonight's Game Are Still Worth Something: Habs-Caps Open Thread


Where: Bell Centre @ 7 p.m. Game is a national broadcast on the CBC or RDS (but National means something a little different if you're watching it on RDS, like June 24 National), meaning Leafs won't be losing on this Saturday night, making the experience a little less enjoyable for everyone.

Why I'll be watching the game on Tvo at around 2 a.m.: Buddy decides to get married smack in the middle of the game. I really hope the food is worth it otherwise I'm bouncing the 40$ cheque.

+ 1 for the blog name: On Frozen Blog, that seem to have a taste for everything capital.

By way of background: These two teams came up with one of the best games of the season just last Friday, with the Habs surprisingly coming out on top and Ovie shut out on the scoring sheet. Look for order to be restored in the galaxy tonight.

Hot CH: Squid is hot. Pleks is in the medium range and Little Tits is making a case for his disdain for Hamilton. Carey is totally coming into form. Everybody else is injured or dead.

Hot Caps: The best player in the world (ever? discuss) is going to have one of those Cam Neely I-don't-care-how-many-games-I-play-I'm-still-gonna-score-50 type of seasons. We're all going to turn into huge Mike Green fans in February. Where the heck did this kid come from? He's got 12 points in his last 8 games.

Goaltending in the Capital: Jose Theodore and Semyon Varlamov have just about split the team's games this season, getting in 13 and 14 starts respectively. But the kid's numbers are just in another league, boasting a 2.35 GAA with a .922 avg compared to Theo's 3.24 and .893. If this trend continues it won't be about Varlamov stealing the starting job from Theo in the playoffs again, it'll just be his to begin with. I have to say though, with what Theo went through this summer numbers mean squat and you can measure his contribution by the courage it takes for him to get up in the morning.

Pay your cover to: A night out on Crescent and De Maisonneuve. Start of at Troikas for a good Russian meal in homage to the best player in the world (ever? discuss), and then make the 3 minute walk over to Wanda's and ask a woman called Svetlana to make your St-Petersburg feel special.

So, let's hope for a good wedding, lots of free booze and a late night game viewing that doesn't end in an overtime loss because man do I hate watching those in the middle of the night.

Discuss what's on your mind. Lets us know how you are feeling. Should Ovie be playing tonight, did the CBC interfere? Did Benoit Brunet call the NHL and say "Hahahaha, Ovie doit jouer samedi soir! Vous pouvez pas faire ça aux partisans! Hahahahah!" I love you all.

Friday, November 27, 2009

The Morning Skate is rooting for the Als for Sexy Friday, November 27

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Bar Rafaeli in a bikini...
  • In case you missed all the comments, finally some there was decent injury news as Markov, Gomez, and Jaro 2.0 all skated yesterday. They're talking about Gomez playing Saturday because Desharnais went back to Hamilton, and maybe Markov coming back early, before the Olympics. Praise Jebus;
  • Sens win a tight 2-1 game over the BJ's;
  • H. Sedin gets the winner for Vancouver;
  • Big surprise, Ovie avoids suspension. Can't have your superstars sitting in the press box you know.
TMS is seriously getting Grey Cup fever. Congrats to MVP Anthony Calvillo. Go you fucking Als (cheerleaders).

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Well you didn't seriously expect them to win, did you? Pens 3, "Habs" 1

As the only FHF'er to have seen the game last night and not be in court today (as a lawyer; I do have that "possession with intent to distribute" preliminary hearing later), yours truly has been drafted to review yesterday's matchup between the Pens and one of the top teams in the AHL. But I don't want to. Not that I'm shirking my responsibilities as a blogger (wait, we have responsibilities?), but I really don't know what to say that I didn't already say in TMS this morning. It was really a decent showing for a 3-1 loss. Overall, the team played hard and didn't embarrass themselves. Fin.

100 years of glory, and we've come to the point where "not embarrassing ourselves" is a victory. I feel shame.

The Morning Skate for Thursday, November 26th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of crashing a state dinner...
  • Pittsburgh 3, Hamilton 1. I don't think anyone really expected much with that lineup, and as we said in the open thread, it was really a pretty good effort against the Stanley Cup champs. PatCHes looked like he got killed. We were overmatched, let's move on;
  • Dammit, Leafs win;
  • Brodeur wins, yawn;
  • Boston beats the Wild, who are without Gui! because of visa issues;
  • Marian Hossa debuts for the Hawks, scores two in a 7-2 win.
Happy Thanksgiving to all our American readers out there. May your turkey be moist and your football be Detroit Lions-free.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Try not to get injured getting a lap dance - Bulldogs-Pens preview and open thread

Come back GG we miss you!Remember the old days when FHF just used to post pictures of random strippers? Good times. Well, those days are back for a bit as GoldenGirl11, in solidarity with the Habs, has gone on IR with Photoshoppers' wrist. We wish her a speedy recovery.

So yes, injuries. They're mounting up the wazoo. If the weekend's loss of Jaro 2.0 and Gomez wasn't bad enough, today we learn that Big Tits, finally starting to play like an actual NHL'er, was seen this morning walking with crutches. That's thanks to the dreaded lower-body injury suffered after blocking a shot (I'm sure that was accidental) last night. Kill me. To replace him, your next Hamilton bulldog with the big club will be David Desharnais. In 7 games this year, he has 4G 6A. Hey, that's alright. He's like 5'7" and 150 lbs soaking wet, so he'll fit right in too.

I'm just too depressed from the walking wounded to give you any creativity in this preview. I'll tell you that the game is at 7:30 at Mellonhead Arena in Pittsburgh. Earlier this year, Habs got crushed by Sid's hat trick in a 6-1 loss that hopefully will be the low point for the season. Pens still lead the Eastern Conference. You already know about the Pensblog, so check out The Sidney Crosby Show, if you can stomach it.

Pleks, Squid, Price, Sid, Evgeni, MAF, etc., etc. On the good news front, I have discovered that Habs actually have a better power play than the Pens. I really don't know how that's possible, but the interwebs never lie.

Carey is getting the start again. Damn fucking right. Ride that streak baby. HI/O reports that Big Tits is actually a game-time decision despite the crutches. Total bullshit JM, stop covering your ass, I'm sure he won't play.

FUCK! A lamp just dropped from my office ceiling and landed on my blogging arm. Preview over. Medic!

The Habs Morning Game Day Skate for Wednesday, November 25

There was only one game in the show last night, so let's talk about it! Habs beat the BJ's 5-3 in a game that can only be described as ah, uh, hmmm. Well we don't know how to describe it. How about "entertaining"? Tale of two games basically. TFS keeps us in the game for the first 25 or 3o minutes after we leave him to the wolves. Then we seemed to find some energy and a weak Mathieu Garon, and poof! 5-3 win. The Urologist scored 2 (at even strength no less) but still ain't great at D (though he was better), the Tits combined for 3 assists, and Mad Max seemed to come to life unburdened by the dead weight of Gui. Rick Nash got away with attempted murder of Travis Moen.

Not much else to report from around the hockey world. Danny Brière gets a 2-game suspension for leaving his feet and blindsiding a guy with an elbow to the neck. Hey, it's not like he accidentally knee on knee'd someone. And while TMS doesn't like to laugh at any injury, being out a month for getting hit in the face with a puck while being the backup goalie on the bench is pretty damn amusing.

Enjoy your highlights while we contemplate Sid the Kid tonight.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Today's preview and open thread is all about Tits and BJ's

Mmm, Tits. Aren't they great? Of course they are. Everyone loves Tits. They're fun, they're bouncy, they seem to be coming to life just at the right time, ready to explode in the midst of BJ's.

Wait, what?

Putting on the bra details - 7:30 PM start in Montreal. Get ready for McSplooging on some Tits. This is the only meeting this year between the two teams. They played once last year, with Columbus winning in a SO, but only after Little Tits tied the game in the final minute. Destiny! Columbus is off to a decent start, 12-7-3 though they've lost two in a row coming in.

It's a bro... no, it's a manzier - On the other side of the aisle, check out Tea with Ms. McGill. Any blog that references Youngblood is alright by us.

Nice bazongas - Big Tits is coming around, 3 points in his last 2 games. It's a start. Squid is single-handedly willing this team to points, with a huge assist to Pleks. TFS is hot enough to have been named 2nd star in the NHL last week, and he's getting the start again.

Man those things are saggy - with Gui Gone Wild (TM L Dude), Gomez on the shelf, and BGL losing salary, no one is really qualifying for this space. Métro is pointless in 4, but so what.

Some bodacious tatas - Kristian Huselius has 5 points in his last 3 and RJ Umberger has 3 points in his last 2. Overall, the BJ's have the 3rd best PP in the league.

Tara Reid's lopsided surgical wonders - both Rick Nash (o points, -4) and Steve Mason (4 goals in 26 minutes and pulled) shit the bed in NY last night. Overall Steve Mason is suffering some sophomore blues, with a 3.59 GAA and a .885 save%.

In need of some augmentation surgery - to the nice list of Gio, Gomez, Vodkov, Gill, and Dagger, you can now add Benoit Pouliot. And you also add Jaro 2.0 to the list as of this morning, putting Jay Leach in the lineup. From practice today, it looks like Little Tits will be on the 4th line with CHips (yay!) and a just called up JT Wyman (who?). This team will be unrecognizable by Christmas.

Your post-game adult entertainment - can only be tits.com. It could not be more NSFW if it tried. It features tits, as you may have guessed.

Lets hope Tits are around for a while.

The Game Day Skate tries to catch its breath for Tuesday, November 24th

Whew. That was some kind of end of day yesterday. Buh-bye Gui. We'll sort of miss you, but not really. And given some of what you said to CKAC, we're thinking don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Upon a night's reflection, we're hoping this ends up as one of those trades where both players benefit from some new digs.

Lost in the trade shuffle yesterday was the fact that BGL got 5 games for the knee on knee business from Saturday night. Whatevs. Some people think it's too much considering some of the shorter supsensions for head hits and Ovie's non-suspension for basically the same thing last year, others are saying it's not enough because the league should have sent a message. They're all missing the key point here - BGL can't be a waste of space for 5 games. W00t!

There was plenty of action around the NHL last night, lots of it needing more than 60 minutes. Dwayne Roloson stopped a million shots to lead the Isles past the Leafs in OT. Two goals down, the Sens rallied to win in OT in the battle of nations' capitals. And Sid the Kid gets the OT winner over the Panthers.

There is only one game in the NHL tonight. All eyes on Montreal for BJs-Habs. Feel the excitement! Despite getting shellacked by Gaborik last night, Columbus is still better than us. Columbus!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Gui! is Gone!

Hey, talk about a way to perk up a boring Monday afternoon! Gui, or Gui!, or Gui:(, or all three of them, has been traded to the Minnesota Wild for Benoit Pouliot. In 23 games this year, Gui had 2G 1A. In 14 games with the Wild, the 6'3" 200lb left wing had 2G 2A. Sounds like an improvement to me. But Panger tells me it's really not the case.

The 110%'s and BR's will not be happy, because while Benoit Pouliot sounds as pur laine as they come, he was born in Ontario. That's worth, like, 1/4 of a real Québecois.

Oh, and Benoit is currently listed as day-to-day with an upper body injury. Already he's fitting right in!

Rumours that Gui was napping and missed the announcement are currently being investigated.

Sort of related UPDATE - Little Tits has been called up. Tits mania baby!

The Morning Skate for Monday, November 23rd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of going to the Grey Cup...
  • Chicago wins their 7th straight;
  • Stamkos gets the OT winner over the Thrash;
  • BGL has a disciplinary hearing today with Czar Campbell as a result of his knee on knee hit on Niklas Cronwall Saturday night. We think we can speak for all Habs fans if we tell Colin go ahead and suspend him for the rest of the year, you'll be doing us a favour.
Despite BGL, that was a decent weekend. Had you told us Friday we'd get 3 of 4 points, we'd have taken it in a heartbeat. Be sure to scroll down and check out the Wings review if you were out praying on Sunday; it's got a couple of real good ideas about what to do with BGL.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Wings 3 Habs 2 (SO) - And We're Okay With That


While it might be true that Squid did almost single handedly earn a point last night and very much deserves his picture with a hot chick, the above tribute kinda creeps me out...


Ahh, thank you GG11. You're the best!

Okay to be honest, with games against the Caps on Friday and Detroit last night, I was expecting to use this forum to rant about the Habs - from how they were dragging thier collective asses on the ice all the way through collective management and scouting ineptitude. A francophone member of the Habs defence may or may not have been incarcerated in a painful and demeaning manner. In short, it was to be a grand'ole time. All for naught - although it was nice to see the Habs not get blown out by the Wings for the first time in recent memory. So is it just me or is this the second straight year the Habs seem to play better without some of their highest paid players? Our first line should now be called First Line Centre Tomas Plekanec and Whomever He is Playing With - in this case a re-interested Andrei Kostitsyn and Mike Cammellari in the third; Carey Price proved he still very well could be TFS (tm), although I'm saving my "I told you so" post for a later date; and Rhino is close to replacing CHips as My Boy.

Only one thing kept the Canadiens from an outright win. Or more particularly, one person. I bet you've heard of him - he is hard to miss when he's around. He's 6'4 and, um, tends to stand out on a hockey rink. And he's currently taking up $1.5 in cap space, so instead of a rant I'm offering a review of the options for getting rid of BGL and his cap-stealing contract. It may not seem like much, but the quicker his contract comes off the books the more likely a deadline rental like Mathieu Schneider becomes; yes, I realize I may be delusional in thinking that it will matter come March. All photos courtesy GG11, as always:


SENT HIM TO HAMILTON. No one is going to trade for him or will even pick him up on waivers. Problem may be convincing the Molson Bros. & Co. to pony up the dough for an AHL player. (Oh, and say hello to my Little Tits there off to the side.)

Or...



BUY HIM OUT. Let him search for inner peace at home. Or maybe kick Nick Kypreos' ass live on Sportsnet. However, that will create less than $1M in salary cap space. Plus, Gainey has to convince the Molsons to agree to pay a guy $2/3 of his salary not to play.

Or...


ONE WORD: LONG TERM DISABILITY. Provided Gainey can either convince Dr. Mulder to tell the NHL Laraque has some sort of crippling back injury (or head injury, you say? More about last night's shenanigans next); or he hires my cousin Angelo.

Or...


HOPE THE NHL SUSPENDS HIM FOR THE SEASON: because he's a bone-headed repeat offender. But of course he won't be, first of all because while it was an intention and dangerous trip, it did not lead to a devastating injury and probably deserves 2-3 games at most. But he may not even get that, both because he's not really a dirty player (in fact, as often lamented on this site, he hardly even fights any more) and because the NHL has no balls. At least it wasn't a hit to the head.

Or...

TRADE HIM TO THE KHL. This on is my favorite: How about trading him to Moscow Dynamo for the rights to Alexander Avtsin next year? Why couldn't they do this? It's win-win: the Habs guarantee that they get a potential top prospect in a year, and the Russians have a guy they can make wrestle a bear at centre ice during intermissions:




Think of any other options? Let the world know in the comments.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Grab a delicious beverage, it's a Wings open thread and drinking game

So yesterday I had this whole thing planned about needing to get drunk tonight because the Habs sucked, making permanent some fine drinking game suggestions from the comments in Thursday's TMS and a couple of my own. Alas, our boys went out and shocked the world last night, turning a need to drown our sorrows into a glimmer of hope. Idea wasted.

But then I thought, fuck it, there are a million other reasons to get drunk! Some of my favourites for tonight's game include:
  • Celebrate! Optimism! Delusions! Interesting fact about tonight's teams - Habs actually have more wins (11) than the Wings (10). We'll just ignore the number of losses part of their records;
  • Habs are wearing their 1910 blue and white Leafs jerseys. You can pretend you're a Leaf fan and then you will really need to drown your sorrows;
  • Habs are dropping like flies (Gomez is out). Soon all those "let's just have Hamilton play" jokes from last week may really be true;
  • Puck Daddy's McSplooging on the Habs;
  • Your girlfriend just left you;
  • Saturday.
So at 7 PM from the Centre Bell (on a very slim CBC regional coverage), take your preferred 1910-era cocktail and drink as much as you want when:

-someone clears the puck over the glass
-a defensive turnover in our zone results in a Wings scoring chance
-The Urologist falls down on a PP
-Gui tries a wraparound
-Carey tries a reach around (around the net, you pervs)
-Pleks or Squid goes down with an injury (reach for the bottle)

For the RDS viewers
-BB says Guillaume
-BB says "j'ai pasd'problèmes avec ça"
-Joël flirts with someone rinkside

For the CBC viewers
-Bob Cole mispronounces a French-Canadian or Euro name
-Bob Cole does play-by-play of a play that happened, like, 10 seconds before
-Carbo tries to sound intelligent

Not-so-gratuitous Simpsons quotes to get this party started:
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get."
"Marge, I'm going to MOEmaN's. Send the kids to the neighbors, I'm coming back loaded."

Friday, November 20, 2009

Independamn-what-the-hell-was-that? Day - Habs 3 Caps 2


Holy motherfucking crap how in the blue hell did that happen? Did aliens kidnap the crap team we've been watching and replace them with the nation's capital destroying monsters we saw tonight? That might be the only explanation. (Note to self: stop writing reviews after putting down a buncha beers, especially if the Cardiac Canadiens are gonna spend half the game playing Stalingrad to Washington's Germans but still win. This might be the first ever all superlatives review, people. McSplooge might have nothing on me. Fair warning.)

Plan the Parade: You're goddamn right I'm planning the parade! I'm delusional! I'm crazy with Canadiens fever! Pleks! Price! Hamr and Jaro 2.0! Squid! Coaches! THIS FUCKING TEAM IS PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER AND IT'S STANLEY CUP TIME BABY!!!! WHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Seriously, though: Pleks played another excellent game at both ends of the rink, and his linemates Big Tits and Max Pack actually gave him some support. It's early doors on this line, but please oh please let these two be the answers for Plek's cries for help. McSplooge McSplooged all over Hamr and Jaro 2.0, but they kept Ovie and Backstrom relatively quiet all night. Price didn't make any "holy shit" saves, but he was solid and calm and there when he was needed. Oh please oh please keep this going. Travis Moen provided some quality diggin and muckin for Squid and Gomez and potted a goal. Pyatt and White are constantly working hard. And here's a special mention for Mr. Jacques Martin: Hey, do you think Carbo would have had a game plan like that ready for Ovie and the Caps, or would that sucker have ended 9-3 with Ovie getting 5? Martin came into this going with Hamr and Jaro 2.0 against Ovie, shifted lines like a maniac to keep that match-up on the road, and did some clever juggling after something happened to Gomez early in the third. (Here's hoping Martin just told him to take off his fucking jersey, drive back to Montreal and apologize to the Molson's for stealing their money.) Oops. There goes the feel-good portion of our show. On to the angry-I'm-never-truly-happy-plus-I've-been-drinking rant!

The Sky is Falling: Jesus Fucking Christ on a bike Scott Gomez is fucking terrible right now. Anyone who had 22 games in the "That Lazy Overpaid Fucker Gomez is Gonna Drive HF10 Over the Fucking Edge" is the big winner. At one point I made a mental note to compare Gomez to 2007 Kovy, who essentially kneecapped Pleks and Big Tits for the entire year. Gomez was killing Squid and Moen tonight until he mysteriously and fortuitously left the game. I dub him The Albatross, for his contract and the fact that he will haunt Gainey until a) Gainey gets fired; b) Gainey can get rid of him or c) That ridiculous contract runs out sometime next decade.

Jacques Martin nailed Latendresse's ass to the bench at some point. I didn't notice for 15 minutes because Gui! was invisible when he was on the ice anyway. He has had enough goddamn chances and now it's time for an extended trip to the pressbox, aka Chips House (sorry Panger.) Finalement.

Max Pack looked good at points, but please tell me he hasn't inherited the Michael Ryder snakebitten stick of death. He'll need to start potting goals to make Pleks-Patches-Tits a viable second scoring option.

Urologist. Ah, fuck me. Panger, where the hell is your trunk!?!?!

There were points where you could see the Caps smelling blood in the water and it was white knuckle time. At one point I squinted at the tv and pretended it was 1977, the guys in red with the best/most exciting player in the league, the best offensive defenceman going and the goalie getting bored from lack of work was the Habs and it was the hometown white-clad Caps getting shelled. Ugly. But whatever, it worked.

Chez Paree Bound:
Pleks gets his regular table. Price gets his regular bed in the champagne room. Squid gets behind the velvet ropes (excellent signing so far, it must be said.) Hamr and Jaro 2.0 get to be two wild and crazy guys in the booths. Martin and the coaches also get some special attention for their Operation OvieStop. Moen, Metro, Max Pack, even Big Tits can have some drinks in perverts row. Basically the Urologist and Gomez get stopped at the door. Hell, I don't even have too many bad things to say about BGL.

Next terrifying, offensive juggernaut in red opponent: Detroit. Saturday night. Summabitch.

Mr. Pleks goes to Washington - Caps preview and open thread

Yes, I recognize Pleks cannot technically be President due to his not being from the United States and all. But his inspired play this year is earning him mucho respect around here. Hard-working, industrious, diligent, and a good team player. Aren't those all qualities you would want in a world leader?

Waiting in line to get frisked before you go into the Capitol building - 7 PM start at the other Phone Booth. There will be hot McSplooging action. First of four meetings this year, last year Caps won 3 of 4.

Looking for a good tour guide - our old three-way friends Shmee and CapsChick seem to have closed up their respective shops, though rumour has CapsChick hanging out at at Japer's Rink.

Hot like DC in July - the two featured players in FHF pics today - TFS with a .952 save% over the last two games and Pleks with 5 assists over the last 3. Despite our desire to see the Urologist in Panger's trunk, he actually has 4 points over the last 3 games.

Cold like a the wind blowing off the Potomac in February - Scott. Gomez. 0 points in 4 games. Seems totally disinterested. Blech. Gui still pointless in his last hundred games (estimate only) but showed some life Tuesday. Jaro 2.0 pointless in 4.

Sharp like the top of the Washington monument - Let's start with some team stats. Caps lead their division and the Eastern Conference. They lead the league in goals. Second best home record in the league. 2nd best PP. This game will be a piece of cake.

Individually, look for Ovie (duh) who's making his home debut since coming back from injury, Fleischmann on a 10-game point streak and Varlamov who's allowed a mere 4 G in his last 3 GP.

Sign me up for the FBI - With extensive snooping, I have found that there is a Caps weakness! They're only 1-3 in OT. Mix that with the Habs' 4-0 OT record, and it's a recipe for a win! Right? RIGHT? [/end delusions]

Broken like an attempt at a bipartisan bill - Caps aren't much better than the Habs in the injury department, missing Semin and Knuble especially. 2008 first-round pick John Carlson makes his debut in the absence of half the Caps' D. For the Habs, TFS gets the start, and the Habs actually have some returning players! Rhino and BGL are expected to be back in the lineup. Rumour has MOEmaN on the first line. I would tell you what the other lines were at practice yesterday, but they'll be changed by the end of the first by Carbo 2.0, so don't even try to follow. Suffice it to say, those combinations did not include our boy CHips.

Post-game entertainment - head over to my favourite place in DC, the rooftop terrasse of Marvin. Heated and partially covered for your year-round smoking needs. Packed full of young attractive professional types and many Belgian beers.

Let's talk American politics in the comments! Or not.

The Game Day Skate for Sexy Friday has a thing for TFS

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Carmen Electra's lesbian sex tape...
  • In the Battle of Suck, Leafs lose to the Canes, with all sorts of whackiness like the Leafs blowing a 3-goal lead (well not so whacky), both a go-ahead goal and a tying goal in the last 30 seconds, and another stupid "intent to blow the whistle" calling back a goal in OT;
  • Sens dominate the Pens, wow;
  • B's snap the Thrash win streak with a SO win;
  • The Christo-Wall seems to be good again;
  • Marty Brodeur actually loses a shootout.
Habs in DC tonight for some hot Ovie action.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING BONES! INJURY REPORT It's time for that Photo Again

This just in. Injury Report for November 19, 2009.

Brian Gionta: Broken foot, out indefinetley

Andrei Markov: Torn thingy in his knee. Out till spring, maybe longer. maybe he'll never be back.

Hal Gill: Torn something something. Out 3-5 weeks. That's impossible because injury periods are always estimated in even numbers.

Georges Laraque: Back busted up real good. Out like Neil Patrick Harris at a club in Ibiza.

Ryan O'byrne: Tugged purse strings. Out on bail.

Jaro Halak: Burned forehand making stew for team. Out of ideas for next Jaro post.

Matt D'Agostini: Razor burn from first shave. Out for the season.

Jaro Spacek: Severed ass cheek. Now has two but cracks, but ass wide enough to handle the added perforation.

Roman Hamrlik: Exploding appendix. 30 to 32 days.

Andrei Kostistsyn: Cracked ri, uh,.... no, no, just crack. Likes to smoke crack.

Scott Gomez: Ruptured vein in third finger of left hand. Out for the season.

Mike Cammalleri: Cataract in foot. Out indefinitely.

Glen Metropolit: No Rapid Eye Movement. Out of Time.

Kyle Chipchura: Four concussions. Out of his mind if he thinks he's making a career in the NHL.

Guillaume Latendresse: African Sleeping Sickness. Get out of Bed, Gui!

Carey Price: Harpooned at sea. Out of the water.

Josh Gorges: Drowned in failed attempt to rescue Price. 2-4 gallons out of his body, following CPR with tongue performed by Kyle Chipchura.

Max Lapierre: Dislocated location. Out 2-3 hours.

Tomas Plekanec: Unhealthy scratch following a night out with a girl met at a bar.
N.B.!!! (This just in from GG: Too bad Pleks isn't playing like a girl. You could've used "has his period, out 3-5 days and then cranky like a bitch for the rest of the month")

Sergei Kostitsyn: Deep bruise in the belly button. Out of the womb already you impossible child.


Tomorrow's lineup:

Forward Lines

Pacioretty - Moen - Stewart

Defense Pairings

Mara

The Morning Skate for Thursday, November 19th

Bullet points for waht you missed while dreaming of Carmen Electra's lesbian sex tape...
You knowwhat we need? A Habs injuries drinking game. Anyone got any good ideas? All we can think of is any time a Hab gets injured, we get drunk. But there has to be something more creative.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Glorious leaders lead the way! Habs 3, Whalers 2 (shootout of death)

Bertrand told us he was very disappointed in our ratings yesterday. He thought both Max and Gui! deserved 5 of his heads and maybe a couple of his other heads while we're at it. He told us, in a strongly worded email in surprisingly good and colloquial English, that his boys would come out strong just to shove it in our faces. BR is psychic!

Planifiez le défilé - yes, it is true, Mad Max and Gui! played what may have been their best game of the season. Couldn't put the puck in the net to save their lives (despite each of them trying at least a dozen wraparounds), but at least they worked and looked like actual NHL players. And give Max credit for learning, after FIVE shooters, that you should just SHOOT (high) on Legace instead of trying the same move everyone else did.

Other good stuff included some scoring from people besides GMS and Pleks, in this case PatCHes and Tits, who may have even smiled after he scored. And Pleks' Czech sausage over to PatCHes' tape on his goal was a thing of beauty, like just about everything Pleks has done this season.

But this win belonged to TFS. After the 55-save spectacular Saturday, he came back just as as strong (though a bit less busy) to win his first home game of the year(!). Not much chance on either goal, and he was nothing short of heroic in OT, stopping 7 shots. Whatever is better than heroic is what he delivered in the shootout, stopping 6 of 6 including a total miracle on the last one to win it. And his reactions after he inevitably wins a shootout are just priceless (no pun intended). It's like he's saying "fuck off, everyone, I'm good and I don't give a shit what you say. Fucking right I just won this game."

The sky is falling - let's face it, there are serious problems with this team. We're uh, not good. Time to realize that. We needed a goal with less than 3 minutes to go to tie the worst team in the league. The worst team in the league without its three best players (Cam Ward, Staal, Pitkanen). We needed a shootout and an amazing goaltending performance to beat the worst team in the league. There were huge parts of the game where we were dominated by the worst team in the league. We didn't generate any PP scoring chances at all against the worst team in the league. You got the point? Well, the worst team in the league got a point too.

I could go on about turnovers, crappy D, our inability to start a breakout, and the fact that it's becoming clear in his absence that it's the G that makes GMS go, but I have a life to get back to.

Chez Parée bound? Tits, Pleks, Max, and Gui! have a seat near the stage. TFS is boning three chicks in the back room, while everyone else is sort of standing around waiting for him to finish.

Next evil, evil foe - big loss in DC coming Friday night.

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, November 18th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of being attacked by pirates again...
Please enjoy these highlights after a win. It's rare lately.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Ladies and gentlemen, it's our 24.39% season evaluations (and a Canes open thread)

7:30 tonight at the Phone Booth, Habs get one chance to win this week before they get crushed by the Caps and Wings this weekend. Gionta is out, Rhino not quite ready. Consider that your preview. Now on to the reason you're all here. Boredom at work.

Yes, it's the one-quarter season player review! Of course, it's not quite one-quarter, more like, oh, I don't know, 24.39% (rounded). We all said we'd give this team 20 games before really evaluating them. Well, those 20 games have come and gone, so it's time to bring on the fucking expletives. We're using our FHF-trademarked scale of zero to 5 Bertrand Raymonds, representing how well the player is living up to the past of nos glorieux. On to the ratings!



Pleks - RIP ZombiePleks? The only player that belongs here. The only player that shows up and scores game in, game out. Leads the team in scoring despite having NO WINGERS. I repeat, NO WINGERS. It's like last year didn't happen. I'm still freaked out by the whole thing.



Squid - just behind Pleks in scoring. Leads the team in goals with 8, but I feel he hasn't really exploded, know what I mean? (Not a sexual euphemism. Or is it?)

Gionta - right there with Pleks in the "show up for every game" department. Just make him captain already.

Métro - 10 points for a supposed 3rd / 4th liner is fucking top notch. Time on the PP, and making the most of it.

Please Hamr don't hurt 'em - in case you hadn't noticed (and you hadn't, which is the sign of a solid D), he's our #1 D now. Putting in major minutes in Vodkov's absence, and playing his heart out. Mostly.



MOEmaN - a pleasant surprise. Maybe slowed down recently, but still working. Unlike some people.

The goalies - I think this seems reasonable. TFS may have had a struggle or two and some bad luck, but overall (especially after facing 55 shots Saturday), he seems alright. Jaro pley weel. All in all, seems like a serviceable tandem.


The M in GMS - six or seven games ago he would have been 3 or even 4 BR's, but lately, ugh. Well not really ugh, more like invisible. Turning into a waste of $8 mill in cap space?

USS Hal Gill - I have no fucking clue what to make of him. Some games he seems like a functional D, other games, well, less so.

The Urologist - got half a BR for a good nickname. Some whacky passes and defensive gaffes have him as the prime candidate for Panger's trunk.

Other 2 BRs - Jaro 2.0 (maybe 2.5 BRs), PatCHes, Gorges


Mad Max - Bertrand's wet dream is a fucking nightmare.

Our boy CHips - Zero points and -8. Yet there was a stretch there when I thought he played well, and might deserve 2 BRs, and was getting screwed with the lineup as usual.

Tits - Oh Andrei, we're rooting for you, we really are. But you're not making it easy.

Other 1 BRs - Dagger, Mara


Gui:( - 'STIE CALICE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Every chance in the world and you have 3 points in 20 games. On pace for a 12.3 point season. Well done.

Incompletes - Markov, Rhino. BGL, Leach, Stewie, Carle, Pyatt, White, Belle, Weber. Is that everyone?

Please disagree with my ratings in the comments. Personally, I trust Panger's hockey analysis more than my own. Either way, which Hab will bump up his BR rating for the half season review? I'm sure a WhalerCanes game will clear it all up.

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, November 17th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Joanna Krupa in Playboy...
Canes tonight. There's a chance!

Monday, November 16, 2009

The Morning Skate for Monday, November 16th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of going for it on 4th down and not making it...
We got a feeling it's going to be another day of recriminations around here.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

The Habs Sucked in Plain View: Preds 2 - Habs 0


My first thought goes to Guillaume Latendresse who owes a big bag of gratitude to the ailing Brian Gionta. Gui! was penciled out of this one against the Preds, and we all know what kind of music he would have faced back home as a result of this intended benching.

Unfortunately, Gui! came about as close as one can get to have as much impact on the face of a game as a healthy scratch. The open net in the third period that he couldn’t wrap his brain around didn’t help his chances to avert another imminent decision to keep him on the gallery.

My next thought goes to the rest of the team, sans Price. I would bench them all for the next game and call up every Bulldog.

Ensuite, the shots. It read 24-4 in favor of Nashville after one period. At this point, the numbers are so staggering that you just start to cheer for the math, hoping the trend will continue and leave the Habs on the wrong end of a 72-12 total. 55 shots. That’ll do.

One of the best games of Price’s career. Turns out the rest of the team couldn’t be bothered. The stage was right for a performance to remember in Nashville for the young country music loving cowboy, but a fortunate son he wasn’t. A great save by Carey in the early moments of the second period and another on Legwand midway through the third made it obvious that without TFS in nets the score would have pointed to how badly Montreal played on their night off. No, thanks to Price this is a game you had to watch to seize how terrible Montreal was, otherwise the close score could falsely conjure up unsuspecting thoughts of a tightly played game.

Does Big Tits want to play in this uniform? How does hockey sense just vanish? The flashes aren’t there. The effort is gone. It’s like a silent protest. It’s high time to send Andrei to wherever Gui! will be going for the next game, and that means nowhere near the ice.

Gomez is officially slumping. He’s not creating anymore. He doesn’t look like he’s taking time off but the jump is MIA. Like a kangaroo that’s been amputated at the knees.

The Lapierre experiment on the first line was a total bust. That won’t be happening again soon. Mathew Broderick and Helen Hunt had more success with a monkey in Project X. If the chimp’s still alive, get him fitted for a pair of skates.

As GG said: Fuck are they bad. No goals in Nashville. Wow.

The boys better take a very deep breath and give those muscles a deep stretch because the coach is going to run them to the ground at the next practice. No pucks, sand weights at the ankles, lots of cookies and no milk, type of practice. There will be puke.

What a crappy Saturday evening. Even SNL sucked.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Yee-Haw! It's a country-fried Nashville Preview and Open Thread, Dagnabit!

The Canadiens, fresh off a win over the desert dogs, roll their double-wide into Nashville's barn to take on the Predators. Yep, I went there twice in the first sentence. Listen, you can't have a place called The Grand Ole Opry as your claim to fame and expect a cliche-free preview.

Waiting in line at the honky-tonk bar details: Live from Nashville's Sommet Center at 7:00 pm, on RDS

Hotter than a Taylor Swift/Carrie Underwood "duet": Pleks continues to lead the team in scoring with nary a dependable winger to be found. Squid and Gionta still scoring. Price stopped everything that didn't involve an illegal kicking motion or a spear to the throat. The Urologist made one of those plays we all hoped he would. For the Preds, JP Dumont is scoring at almost a point-per-game and Shea Weber and Ryan Suter are the stud defenders all Habs fans can cast envious glances at.

Colder than the corpse of Tennessee Ernie Ford: Same old song and line dance for the Habs: Gui! Max, AK46. When do we stop giving Gomez chances and turn on him? Nashville is 29th in goals scored and dead last on the powerplay, so let's just assume their cold side is everyone else.

A hurtin' kinda feelin':
Jaro 2.0 limped off to possibly join Markov, O'Byrne & Gill in the defence infirmary. Other than the fact that they have stone hands, the forwards seem healthy. Colin Wilson is the only long-term Predator injury.

Between the fence posts: Win and you're in should see Price play in the spiritual home of that crap music he loves so much. For the Preds, Dan Ellis and Pekka Riine have almost identical records. Whether Nashville trots out Brooks or Dunn, the results seem to be the same.

Fussin' and a feudin': Wait, there's a Predators blog? Yep, and it's called On the Forecheck.

Post-Game Country Bear Jambaroo: Check out some of these hee-hawtees, then hit the nearest bar with swinging doors and a hitching post out front.

Friday, November 13, 2009

GoldenGirl11 makes her reviewing debut - Habs 4, Yotes 2

HF29 fell asleep, HF10's kids don't let him stay awake that late, HF4 has real life stuff today and Panger is dead. As a result, we have turned to GG11 for the game review. Her efficient use of words is a tribute to fine blogging everywhere. This kid's got a real future. Without further ado, here's GG11's debut as a game reviewer:

"They sucked. We sucked less."

Pretty fucking accurate.

It's a Sexy Friday the 13th Morning Skate

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Sophie Monk in a bikini...
  • Well, you can imagine our surprise, when after a 0-0 first period that literally put us to sleep, we awoke to find the Habs had scored 4 goals! 2 on the PP! And won in regulation! Then we looked at the shot totals (20 apiece!) and are impressed the rest of you stayed awake. More later;
  • Ray Emery gets some sweet, sweet revenge, then possibly kicks the crap out of someone, beating his former team 5-1;
  • Boston loses in a shootout in a real goalie battle;
  • Devils take care of the Pens, in Pensburgh, going to 9-0 on the road. Wow;
  • Kovy comes back, gets 3 points to help the Thrash beat the Rangers;
  • We're pretty sure there were some games involving Western teams;
  • In case you missed it in the comments yesterday, Komi is out for 3 weeks.
Here are your highlights. Includes actual Habs goals!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Meh, whatever, it's a Coyotes game preview and open thread

My excitement for this team has hit bottom. I'm not gonna say rock bottom, because there are still like, a bunch of games to go. Plenty of time to really bring out the suckage. But we're almost a quarter of the way into the season, and my attitude can be nicely summed up in one word, meh. Is that even a word? Who the fuck knows. Let's hit the bullet points to discover why I'm so blah about this team:
  • We can't score. 2 measly goals in our last 3 games;
  • This team really doesn't play anything that could be described as "entertaining hockey";
  • Losing. This team has more regulation losses than any team in the league except the woeful Hurricanes;
  • Beyond the Giant Mexican Squid and Pleks, no one seems to be doing anything out there except "skating" around in a purple haze;
  • There is no way I can envision this team doing anything in the playoffs, if they even make it that far;
  • The man who should be our most exciting player, TFS, seems to be rife with issues, maybe media-imposed, maybe self-imposed, who knows;
  • This whole cash grab 100th anniversary celebration has turned into a farce, if not a downright embarrassment;
  • We suck.
Your reasons may differ.

OK enough with my old man complaining about you kids on my lawn, let's go back to the bullets to set up the game. I'm too meh to do anything else. And it's a game that I'm totally meh about, given that it's Phoenix. Ooh, feel the history. Of bankruptcy court.
  • 9 PM ET start at Jobing.com Arena. I'll be sleeping by midway through the 2nd;
  • Habs have lost 3 of their last 4, as have the Yotes. This is the only meeting this season between the teams;
  • Five for Howling is a good source for all things Phoenix;
  • There are no hot Habs;
  • Conversely, everyone is cold. More specifically, The Urologist has zero points in 8 games (and counting);
  • Did you know the Habs lead the league in minor penalties? You do now. I think about half of them have been for shooting the puck over the glass;
  • Yotes riding some great golatending from Bryzgalov, who's in the top 5 in the league in GAA, save %, and shutouts;
  • Shane Doan is worth a point per game. Gang Bang Lang (god I miss that) has 8 points this season;
  • Lines at practice yesterday were GMS, Pleks-Tits-Pyatt, Metro-Moen-PatCHes, Laps-Gui:(-White. Once again, CHips gets screwed;
  • My favourite quote from all my reading for this preview, from Jaro 2.0: "If we scored three or four goals a night, we’d be a totally different team." Amen, Jaro;
  • For your post-game adult entertainment, just go walk around an Arizona State campus. Here's some of what you'll see.
Let's hear your thoughts in the comments Or not, I don't care. Meh, whatever.

UPDATE - oh look, there's a game review from 4 just below this. Go read it.

Flames 1 - Saint-Nicks 0 ... No, I mean Flames 1 - Wild 0, ... No, I mean Flames 1 - 80s Devils 0


Just wanna squeeze this one in before we start commenting on the game tonight at Do Not Pass Go Do Not Collect 200$ Arena.

Quantitatively, I will offer you as many words on the game as the Habs gave you goals.

Have a nice day.

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, November 12th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of FOX canceling yet another Joss Whedon show...
Habs head to the desert tonight for what I'm sure will be a huge crowd in Phoenix.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The Morning Skate Remembers for November 11th

After another loss, it's always good for some perspective. And today is a good day for perspective. I think I said this in last year's Remembrance Day Post but I want to say again - I hate it when sports announcers and journalists and even players use war metaphors to describe games. War is war; sports are a diversion. Sports aren't life and death, even though sometimes we treat them that way. Soldiers fighting to protect our freedom is really life and death. Remember that.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Golly! It's an old-timey Flames Preview and Open Thread

Who does this floozie think she is?

I reckon the Club Athletique Canadien is having a pretty average National Hockey Association season. While we have some dillies playing, the squad is hovering around the .500 mark. And we are coming off a depressing loss to the Renfrew Creamery Kings. Tonight's match starts promptly at 7:30 at the Montreal Arena. Get yourself all gussied up, catch the #11 streetcar at Craig Street and ride it all the way there.

Our club has some very keen players right now. Newsy Lalonde is tearing up the league at more than a goal per game pace. Didier Pitre is right there with him. Georges "I hope some day they name a trophy after me" Vézina is continuing his outstanding rookie campaign, leading the league in GAA. The rest of our boys - Poulin, Bernier, Laviolette, and Betrand nous font fiers, unlike those English pig dog Wanderers. I do find this English-French divide depressing however. I'm sure one day it will all be cleared up. I can only imagine that some day the newspapermen of the future will applaud the ethnic and cultural diversity this Canadiens team will have, if only the Czar would stop oppressing the Russian players and let them seek their fortune in North America.

But nuts! This team is really getting my goat. We are making a lot of boners in our defensive zone, leaving poor Vézina alone to get fed to the wolves. Maybe the rigours of the 16-game schedule are finally catching up to us. Gee willikers, playing like this, there is really no way we can catch the Ottawa Hockey Club in the standings.

For your post-game naughty entertainment joint, head over to Sammy's in the basement of 231 St. James Street (knock four times and ask for Jimmy). Rumour has it the ladies are exposing their ankles there now.

Are you jazzed for the game? Let's hear it in the comments.

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, November 10th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Marissa Miller in a bikini...
Habs lose to play the red-hot Flames tonight.

Monday, November 09, 2009

It's the obligatory classy and snark-free Hall of Fame post!

Mazel Tov to the incredible Hall class being enshrined today:
  • Stevie Y
  • Brett "I'm an American, dammit" Hull
  • Luuuuuuc Robitaille (I actually had a CEGEP class with him once, but that's a story for another time)
  • Brian "Who me? I never played for the Leafs" Leetch
  • Evil genius and satanic servant Lou Lamoriello
OK, some snark. But seriously, that's some fucking group. Next year, Lindros will sully them all.

The Morning Skate for Monday, November 9th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the fall of the Berlin Wall...
New week, new hope. Maybe not.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Lightning Crashes Habs INSTA-REVIEW - Tampa 3 - Montreal 1

We just need the creepy bald angel from the "Lightning Crashes" video for the entire Lightning cliche catalogue

Well, the CBC hasn't even taken us over to Don Cherry's Maple Leaf lovefest yet and here's the Lightning Fast Insta-Review. Bear with us, cause this is going to be even more stream of consciousness than usual:


Plan the Parade: Uh, no. There will be no parade this year, unless Andrei Markov is WAY better than we all think. However, some pluses for tonight included:
  • Pleks, still decidedly un-Zombielike. Another solid performance, even doing Mad Max the Pussy's (tm Pee-air McSplooge) job by getting so far under Vinny Lecavalier's skin he was itching like he just slept with one of the girls he met back in junior in Rimouski. Days until the gnashing of teeth because Pleks prices himself out of the Habs range: 134.
  • Big Tits, less Zombielike with each passing moment. A few nice moves, seemed engaged, even threw himself a big hit. Baby steps for the epileptic dullard, eh?
  • The kids, Max-Pac, Carle, Whitey, Pyatt. None of them are burners, none of them have can't miss written all over them right now, but none of them looked out of place. Once again, Panger's boy Chips is getting passed by on the depth chart. Poor bugger.
  • The Urologist, not looking like he learned defence from a correspondence course (tm Moeman). This evening, abysmal he was not. Well, that's something, I guess.
  • Price, not giving up a backbreaking, stupid goal. Of course, he's not off the hook entirely(see below).
  • Coach Martin, who appears to have a plan in place. The Habs came out flying at the start of each period, adjustments seem to be made during intermissions, and when the lines start shuffling it doesn't seem to be desparate grab-bag bullshit. I think he's a very good coach and may actually win this team some games by outsmarting someone on the other side.
  • Giant Mexican Squid, not infalible but hella fun to watch. AnnTaylorNinnyChicomaki made a half dozen stops when GMS was buzzing that would have made this game look a whole lot different.
  • Glen Metropolit, still awesome. That is all.
The Sky is Falling: Remember when a loss to the Lightning would have been a disaster? I can't remember when the Habs just trampled one of these fucking Southern division teams and it pisses me off. I grew up watching this franchise steal the lunch money of teams like LA, Pittsburgh, the old Atlanta Flames and Minnesota North Stars week-in, week-out. This new NHL shit blows. Also blowing:
  • The defence on the first goal. Hey, Hamrlik, how about fucking hitting the guy in front of the net before he gets his FOURTH free whack at the puck?
  • The defence on the second goal. Hey, Hamrlik, how about fucking tying up your man on the backcheck instead of letting him get a free shot on the rebound? Which brings us to ...
  • The big, fat whale Cari rebound on the second goal. Ugh. And come to think of it, Price should probably have had that third goal too. It beat him and hit the post, then the refs got it wrong on the replay, but an inch lower and it was in clean. Bad luck, but he needed to do better.
  • Seriously, I know Hamr is doing some heavy lifting right now, but there was a point late in the second where the man had a wide-open shot from the point and his shot was so weak he wouldn't have broken Alex Tanguay with it. Someone get him some time in the hyperbaric chamber or a night off.
  • Oh, of course Mr. Glass Tanguay comes back and scores a goal. Stupid pussy fucker. Naturally, he also left the game with an injury at one point. Probably his ovaries.
  • Hey, notice I didn't mention Gui or Mad Max yet? It's because they did sweet fuck all. Again. Sit both their asses for fuck's sake.
  • ABC is showing Cinncinati/UConn as their primetime game. Is it an Elite Eight match-up in the NCAA tourney? Why no, it's a fucking football game. Because you know, a match-up full of hot babes in the stands like USC/Arizona State or a legendary traditional rivalry like Oklahoma/Nebraska isn't on right now somewhere in the continental US. Yeah, I know that has nothing to do with the game, but fuck me, Cinncinati/UConn?!!?!
Chez Paree bound? Well, I wouldn't kick any of the guys mentioned in the Plan the Parade section out, but I sure as hell ain't letting them skip the line. The Habs didn't play all that bad tonight, but AnnTaylorNinnyChicoMaki played great and they lost. Unfortunately, this looks like the lot for this team unless GMS starts potting two a game or Pleks gets some damn help. This team looks more and more like a 7th or 8th seed that's going out in the first round, unless Price continues to morph into the actual TMS and Markov comes back as some sort of Orr/Lidstrom hybrid (the Orrdstrom?).

Vinny vide vice - Lightning game preview and open thread

Let's step back to both last spring and last summer when The Cavalier was the subject of all sorts of rumours (since confirmed) that Bob was trying to get him to Montreal. Any idea what this team would have looked like this year? Vinny leading the first line with Tanguay on his wing? It's a Bertrand Raymond wet dream! Well, you and BR can imagine what that would have been like tonight as those two skate together on Bell Centre ice.

Waiting in line details - 7 PM at the Phone Booth, on CBC for those of you who don't live in CBC Leafs country. So like, everyone but Quebec? These teams are pretty equal - sitting on the Eastern conference bubble, hanging around .500. Clash of the titans.

Pay your cover charge to - Raw Charge is "the static cling that brings Tampa Bay Lightning fans together." I like to think of FHF as the virtual strip club that brings Habs fans together.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - Carey? Price? Maybe? My god did he show something in our last game. Will it continue? Has he turned some sort of corner? Ha, I keed. It's one fucking game. Let's see. Pleks and Squid continue to tie the team lead with 14 points. Métro is almost a point per game over his last 8 games, and 2 goals over his last 3 games. He's our secondary scoring now.

Skanky Habs to watch - can we call the Urologist a failure yet? No points in 6 games. Where was he on the 5 on 3 the other night? His "defense" is a joke. The Subbanator could do the job better, and with better post-game quotes.

Hot sexy Bolts to watch - Stamkos leads the Bolts with 17 points. St. Louis right behind at 16. After a slow start, Tangy has 6 points over his last 6 games. Some decent goaltending too, with Niittymaki 1-0-2, 1.60, .950 in his last 4.

Skanky Bolts to watch - D Andrej Meszaros pointless in 6.

On the main stage - Usual suspects on the shelf for the Habs. Rhino was seen yesterday "skating vigorously." Bolts will be deprived of prized rookie Victor Hedman, victim of a nasty (though I think legal) Chris Neil hit Thursday. No real lineup notes as of this writing, but I'm guessing TFS will be between the stripper poles.

In the VIP Room - I don't know if you've caught the little Mad Max - McSplooge cat fight going on. Basically McSplooge thinks Mad Max is a pussy. Max denies it. Anyway, what's really lost here is that Mad Max and his compatriote Gui:( are playing like shit. They've been given chance after chance, especially as Pleks' wingers, temps de glace up the wazoo, and are doing nothing except sucking. Gui has 3 points for fuck's sake, Max 5. Wake the fuck up, 'stie.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - Walking home from work the other day I noticed a very large sign on Ste Catherine for Club Temptation. Is it new? Did they just get a big sign? Did one of the other places rename itself? I need to investigate further.

Join me in the comments wishing GoldenGirl11 a hearty Mazel Tov for her son's bar mitzvah today. I have it on good authority Mr. Dr. GG11 forced her to leave her iPhone at home from synagogue this morning, but I bet she sneaks out of the party tonight to watch the game and comment.

Friday, November 06, 2009

Shades of 93: Habs 2 - Bruins 1 (S.O.)

The 2009-10 edition of the Montreal Canadiens does it like it's 1993. Take it to the extra frame and win it there. The Habs won 10 of 16 playoff games in overtime to capture the Stanley Cup. This year's Habs have won 7 out of the first 16 games of the regular season to solidify a firm grip on 7th place in the Eastern conference (watch out for those 8th place Flyers who hold 4 games in hand on the Habs). So, sure, it's exactly the same thing.

It starts in goal:

1993: Patrick Roy
2009: Carey Price or Jaro Halak: Both are Roy's equals and both could make the "I'm going to Disney World" chant confusing. One would say it in an impossible eastern european accent while the other wouldn't offer sufficient decibels to make himself understood. Roy invented the butterfly, Price invented the jellybutt.

Top forwards:

1993: Kirk Muller
2009: Scott Gomez - just as Kirk is work as Muller. Call him Scott is work. Just as shifty a player, a better skater and makes a far more convincing taco than your assistant coach. Would never let Don Cherry kiss him on the face.

1993: Brian Bellows
2009: Brian Gionta. The better Brian. Much denser hairline. Capable of scoring goals at a better pace and will often do so on one leg. Could play in the NHL even if one of his legs were amputated at the knee. Bellows needs all four limbs to operate which reveals a striking weakness.

1993: Vincent Damphousse
2009: Mike Cammalleri. This guy takes Damphousse out to lunch and sticks him with the bill. Not in the same class. Can probably score 40, just in overtime.

Supporting forwards:

1993: Stéphane Lebeau
2009: Andrei Kostitsyn: Far more mature and focused than Lebeau. A natural leader and a great role model to a younger brother who is really blossoming under his brother's guidance. A much better influence than Stéphane was on Patrick who spent most of his days with bikers.

1993: Gilbert "The King" Dionne
2009: Tomas Plekanec: Shedding the "supporting" tag by the minute. Would point to himself to gain credit for a goal more rapidly than Gilbert, thus avoiding long delays at the scoring table. When he plays like a little girl, his facial hair doesn't offend as much as the one on Dionne's rabid face.

1993: Mike Keane
2009: Guillaume Latendresse. The real leader on this team. A single parent which is something Keane will never accomplish. Allows his baby to be breast fed by strippers that lap dance for him at strip clubs, allowing him to care for himself and his child at once.

On the blue line:

1993: Mathieu Schneider
2009: Roman Hamerlik. A much better Jew than Schneider despite having changed his name from Roman Hamerlitz.

1993: Éric Desjardins
2009: Marc-André Bergeron: Impenetrable force on the blue line. Can back-check better than any defenseman the Habs had in 93. Versatile and able to play in numerous situations. A perennial plus player. A great guy.

1993: Patrice Brisebois
2009: Patrice Brisebois. He'll come out of retirement after the remaining 4 Ds on this team come down with H1NI or some sort of groin pull.

The comparisons with the 93 squad are totally accurate. This team is just as good and it's a good sign for things to come. Now, if we can just get Jacques Martin fitted for a nice pink suede jacket.

The Morning Skate for Sexy Friday, November 6th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a sexy Rachel Bilson...
  • From Big Fat Whale to puck throwing-back Franchise Saviour in 65+ minutes. TFS leads the Habs to a 2-1 SO win over the Bs. The ladies above are confused. Shout out to Tits as well who did all the work on the Habs goal. More later today;
  • Spezza gets his first goal of the season, the OT winner over the Bolts;
  • Chris Higgins actually scores a goal in the Rangers win over the Oil;
  • Nucks win their 3rd straight with a lineup almost as depleted as the Habs;
  • Kings beat the Pens 5-2. Wait, that can't be right. [checks] It is. The Kings are 6-0-2 in their last 8? The Kings have the NHL's leading point getter? That can't all be right? [checks] It is.
Mmm, long form video highlights after a win.