Sunday, November 21, 2010

GET A SHORTY ~ submitted screenplay/game synopsis

Original movie directed by Barry Sonnenfeld,
based on the novel by Elmore Leonard,
screenplay by Scott Frank,
parodied by moeman.

RATED PB - Contains strong language,
mild violence, great hair, tits.


MAN'S VOICE; Looks fuckin' cold out there. 

EXT. Wienstein & Gavino's ~ MONTRÉAL NIGHTLIFE 

It is cold. leaf fans walk by hugging themselves, pulling up their blue and white collars (to hide their shame)


CHili PRICE, early twenties, stands in his crease with P. F. KARLO, a (supposedly) low level mob type. CHili smokes a cigarette, stares out his mask at the people in the crowd, CHanting CHili! CHili! CHili!

P. F. KARLO; Guy on the radio said it's gonna get down and dirty in Philly.

CHili PRICE; Let's play this one first. Don't be too cocky tonight.

CHili watCHes a gorgeous #31 Habs-jerseyed woman in the reds pause to tighten the scarf around her CHest . . . She looks through the glass, sees Chili looking back.

P. F. KARLO; CHeck out the CHest on that thirty-one ~ those are a thing of beauty, for CHrist sake! (then) Yo, CHili, you're spacin'.

CHili CHuckles.

~ ~ ~


BOBCOLD; Let's game the game started.

CHili turns to his net and studies P. F. Karlo a moment, then . . . the game starts.

CHili hears LAFFTER on the ice, in the stands and then FOCUSES on the pressbox so that CHili can now see a GROUP OF TORONTO BUSINESS MEN sitting there, one of them is 1000th GM game Brian Burke, the other, Phaneuf. We hear MORE LAFFTER and now CHili turns and looks over at . . . the leaf, even more LAFFTER.

CHili and Bageldog standing by the crease. P. F. Karlo, sucking on his mouthpiece, smiles. 

P. F. KARLO; Bageldog, how ya doin' ya mensCH? 

BAGELDOG; Okay, P. F. Karlo. You? 

P. F. KARLO; I'm feelin' kinda but not quite cocky. Savin' it like CHili.

BAGELDOG: Feels like I gotta fifth of Manischewitz in me, watCH me score tonight.

END OF FIRST, 0-0 ~ TFS™ and Blue Monster can't be beat.

~ ~ ~

INT. CROTCH'S CORNER - stale air, smells like an old unwashed AHL jock.

CROTCH; (back from fighting with his tailor Boudoir Glam) I'm telling' ya, da mob'll kill him. Nobody crosses da mob. Hey, Kid Kadri, polish my shoes.

MCLAME; (smirks, sneers, almost swallows but spits the still warm splooge on Crotchs' clown shoes, flips Kid Kadri a HNIC plug nickel) ; Yeah, I'm with you on that.

~ ~ ~


BOBCOLD; Let's game the game started.

Bageldog focuses on the face-off (Habs won 36 of 54 on the night), goes to the net, tips it, scores a fuckin' SHORTY, waits for acknowledgement.

Chili PRICE (smiles) ; Thats all I need.

END OF 2ND, 1-0

~ ~ ~

INT. HOTAIR HOTSTOVE, (nice new Boudoir Glam suit for Eric Francis)

MADMIKE; Send Collie Campbell a horse's head.

~ ~ ~


BOBCOLD; Let's game the game started.



SQUID'S MAGICAL STICK; Cammi, scream out Dou$harek's name.

SQUID: Dou$harek! Over here, I'm in the clear!

SQUID (RIPS A HIGH HARD ONE-TIMER, FALLS TO HIS KNEES); Fuck Dude, next time CHeck out the colour of my Pants! Crowd roars with laughter and glee. Burke rips out his hair. A stunned Phaneuf looks over to find his girlfriend.


END OF 3RD, 2-0, Game over.

~ ~ ~

CHilly outside. CHili inside. It's a regular fuckin' CHili-fest. Hey, waiter give Mr. CHili Price a big fuckin' bowl of First Star CHili!

CHili turns from net and low-fives P. F. Karlo!

CHili points to another hot babe in the crowd, flips her the game puck. She whispers 'Call me' or something like that.

INT. POSTGAMESTOVE Again the men all laugh respectfully at BOBCOLD's stupid calls.

CHili smiles the best he can at the idiot . . . Bageldog smiles for the camera.

BOBCOLD; Let's game the game started.

~ ~ ~ 

OUTAKE ~ Rocket Richard and BoomBoom Geoffrion greet Pat Burns at the pearly gates.

ROCKET; We gave you two extra minutes for the nice hair Burnsie.

BOOMBOOM; Hey Pat, did cbc/hnic broadcast your tribute?

FADE OUT to Bleu, Blanc et Rouge.


ezzeloharr said...

Amazing, Moe. Amazing.

Also well written. Sorry, I was distracted by the pics/gifs.

Anyone else watching the Als trounce the boatmen?

HabsFan29 said...

gif-licious moe! I'll option that baby for 2 mill

ezzel was that a first half or what? this is fun (knock wood)

moeman said...

Speaking of cocky beatdowns, Als 34-6 ...

iRiRi said...

moe goes Hollywood! Awesome!


Also, this weekend just reinforces what we knew all along. MTL > TO.

HabScot said...

That beachball is starting to annoy me now

HabsFan29 said...

fuck yeah Als! tronna sux in any sport

iRiRi said...

Bulldogs just beat the Toronto Marlies too!

W00t X3!!!

Mr. natural said...

not a good day for the PHucks in the big lemon...

iRiRi said...

Gatorade showers all around! said...

this has been the greatest WE ever as MTL establishes dominance over the supposed heart of Canada.
I guess this means that the French are better than the English.
just need to fetcher the cow to put down this baby.

moeman said...

No disrespect to all Torontonians but style, skill and class will beat hype, arrogance/truculence and crass any day.

Enjoy the rest of this Montrealtastic weekend you fucking bitCHes!

moeman said...

"Moments later, short-handed, the Canadiens were given a faceoff in the Toronto zone. Tom Pyatt won it, and a point shot from Jaroslav Spacek was cannily redirected past Jonas Gustavsson by Jeff Halpern.

“I drew it right before they went out,” joked Montreal coach Jacques Martin.

The chants rose again — “Leafs suck! Leafs suck!” and “Sixty-Seven!” — and in the third, the spell was truly broken when former Canadien Mike Komisarek, who had been getting booed by his former faithful all night, golfed an absolutely incomprehensible pass across his own goal mouth and straight onto the stick of Montreal sniper Mike Cammalleri. Cammalleri buried it, of course..."

Well written, well said.

Number31 said...

Pacioretty is so hot he melted the ice at the Ricoh. Holy hat trick, Batman! And a goal in the shootout! And a goal today! Seriously, he's now 90% of the Bulldogs' offense. And was unselfish enough to PASS to Wyman for the empty netter instead of blasting it down ice to maybe get icing or a post. (Seriously, why can't any Hab hit an empty net? GIVE IT TO PRICE!)

Grey Cup REMATCH in the fucking cold tundra...

OK I gotta wake up Pleky to clean his cage. Silly hamster won't come out of his little hut.

soperman said...


Bob Cold, Crotch's Corner, McLame, all classics but Mike Pilsbury doesn't deserve MadMike. It gives him some respect he doesn't deserve. Maybe DumbassMike maybe.

moeman said...

@Esther, too bad MaxPx prefers to stay in SteelTown.

@sope, screenplays can be re-written, 29'll have to find the extra cash. He knows lawyers so that should be easy.

moeman said...

MaxPx = MaxPax

moeman said...

Also (I report, you decide),

"It’s hard to keep the Montreal Canadiens’ ebullient rookie defenceman out of the news – even when he has nothing to do with it. After Subban scrummed with a Toronto Maple Leafs forward during a game Saturday, Hockey Night In Canada analyst Glenn Healy said Subban was having “none of this monkey business.” Subban is black, so Healy’s inadvertent words spoken in the hurly-burly of the game were, at best, unfortunate.

“The comment clearly referred only to the action taking place on the ice – nothing else was implied and no offence was intended,” Hockey Night executive producer Trevor Pilling told Usual Suspects in an e-mail. But the incident illustrates the new sensitivities of modern broadcast etiquette in Canada’s multiracial culture.

Subban is a cocky, motor-mouthed personality – which is to say everyone in hockey’s cloistered culture wants to shut him up. None more so than Hockey Night’s Don Cherry, who couldn’t even remember Subban’s full name the first time he trained his eagle eye on the rookie on Coach’s Corner. Once again Saturday, The Suit railed on about Subban’s impertinence, speaking approvingly of the explicit physical threats levelled against Subban by Philadelphia Flyers captain Mike Richards last week.

Cherry’s treatment of the “uppity” rookie prompted one reader to ask us if there wasn’t a racial tinge to the criticism. Judging by Cherry’s track record, the answer would be no. He’s an equal-opportunity threatener, having said that players of all races should have their arms broken (Sidney Crosby) or their craniums cracked (Tomas Sandstrom) for offending The Code. Vindictive yes. Intolerant, yes. But, perhaps because he’s been looking at his wardrobe for so long, Cherry seems colour-blind."

Steve said...

@moeman I heard this blog made travolata cocky.

And think about why any team would want Burka, its the high draft choices, yeah likely your going to have at one time owned some franchise potential that you traded away for a bag of pucks and a box of donuts.

TFS could have played shoot out all night with donut boy and he would only score at the drive through on the way home.

Flying Toaster said...

It's games like yesterday's that make me wish hockey was on every night. I should've picked up Price in my hockey pool. Is it too late or you guys think he'll pull off another 12 shutouts this season?

Number31 said...

I smell conspiracy... Been trying to watch the full coverage of the game instead of just the express/rewind versions I saw later, but the full version craps out and dies after about 2-3 minutes. That's right, they don't want us to see the Habs beat the Leafs.

Maybe Mike Richards and Don Cherry can go beat each other over the head by the fire and live happily ever after. Is anyone else sick of this stupid "shut up and play and don't you dare colour outside the lines" crap mentality these fucktards of the old guard have? Was Richards bitching about Stamkos disrespecting his team by scoring a gazillion points Thursday night? Fuck off already. FREE SUBBAN!

Moey said...

Excellent post! Bravo moe!

GoldenGirl11 said...

Let's game the game started

Well done Moe.