Wednesday, November 03, 2010

The Sky Is Falling: BJ's 3, Habs a Big Fat Zero

"Columbus hockey on a Tuesday night!" is right up there with "Honeymoon in Ottawa!" in terms of things that marketing people may try to make sound great, but really everyone knows is gonna suck.

And last night didn't disappoint Habs' fans. So here is my Twitter review of last night's games (140 characters is all that tripe deserves):

Now Habs can't play defence or score, especially on the pp. BJs score opportunistically. Nash is a monster. I heart TFS. Trade Jaro. Breakup Gio and Gomez.

(Okay, more like 150 - guess I'm no Allan Walsh.)

So what better do I have to talk about? How about the greatest evil the Montreal pressbox has ever seen:


In case you had not figured it out yet, I HATE MARIO TREMBLAY. I will never forgive him for running St. Patrick out of town, and especially the arrogance he has shown a out it since. YOU RUINED MY FAVORITE TEAM, YOU A-HOLE. I won't rehash the painful memories of that mournful event except to say this it is obvious that the Canadiens made a horrible decision trading Roy, a decision which led to at least a decade of futility.

And now RDS has unleashed the beast upon us all, after thinking he had finally been banished to hockey hell (aka Minnesota in winter or New Jersey pretty much always). But noooooo, the "All Habs all the time" network is more interested in collecting anyone previously employed by the Canadiens than entertaining their viewers - are sparing their retinas/ear drums. The pressbox is like an ex-coach retirement home. Demers could be hokey sometimes, but at least I didn't want to punch him right in his stupid face every time he was sitting on screen next to Alain Crete. I perfer Carbo looking like a dick in the pressbox than behind he bench. But Tremblay is truly awful. And the only thing worse than looking at Tremblay's beedy little ballon of a head is listening to him talk. Blah blah blah obvious or stupid observations, followed with "Joel good point" or "Alain let me finish." You'd think he'd have something interesting to say of the team he coached last year, but that game against the Devils he was just out to lunch. Fucktard. He's actually approaching Don CHerry-ish levels of unwatchability, which I never imagined possible.

Did I mention I want to punch him right in his stupid face? On the other hand...


I still can't believe I'm going to post this, but Benoit "Homer" Brunet is actually getting to be bearable to watch. He still has the odd blinder for home-team oversights, but he's reigned in the most blatant homerisms, like bitching about penalty calls (I love the way Pierre's voice just gives away how frustrated he gets). He's actually had some decent observations, and he doesn't make it nearly as much about himself as, say, McSplooge. (And he doesn't think he's pretty, like Joel). But I still miss Yvon Pednault.

And Patrick Roy.

Fuck I hate you Mario Tremblay, with the fire of a trillion supernovae. Pile it on in the comments...

33 comments:

soperman said...

Homer Brunet! That is pretty phucking phunny.

HabsFan29 said...

the highlight of this game and the aftermath is Panger's correct use of the plural "supernovae"

Hadulf said...

...but Benoit "Homer" Brunet is actually getting to be bearable to watch. - Thank you

...But I still miss Yvon Pednault. - Thank you again

FUCK THE LEAFS

WV : Maybe we can trableb Spacek?

the Maritimer said...

@Hadulf,
I doubt any pro scout who has watched Spacecake lately would recommend trading for him. He is a turnover machine.

the Maritimer said...

Anybody here think Les Habs will put one past Ryan Miller this Friday? Anybody?

Gomez couldn't break a wet paper bag with his shot. Gio is snakebit. Cammelleri couldn't hit the broad side of a barn right now. PleXXXe is more concerned with setting up his linemates and back checking. Tits is MIA. CHicken falls down a lot or takes dumb penalties. Markov is still rusty and needs WD40. PFK is trying to shoot through people and contributing to the other team's blocked shots stats.

That's it for the lack of Habs offence. Did I miss anybody?

Hadulf said...

@the Maritimer

But who wouldn't want someone named 'Spacecake' in his lineup? Seriously?

moeman said...

Righteous rant.

G Y F H !

Hadulf said...

@the Maritimer (again)

Yes. You missed Price. He can't score in an empty net for fuck's sake!

bea.habs.fan said...

I don't know what to think as I've missed the last couple of stinkers.
I'm trying to convince myself that early November is too early to panic but if I believe it does that make me a fake Habs fan.
Is my duty as a Habs fan to call for heads to roll, to trade the team to dump on all players?
I have a massive crush on Gorges - does his poor performance mean I have to stop fantasizing?
I'm in a quandary people.

Anonymous said...

Cry me a fucking river. At least Clarke McArthur isn't your leading goal scorer.

dwgs said...

Miller missed last night's game with the dreaded 'lower body injury' so there's hope. Wait, Buffalo don't have a Quebecois backup do they?

dwgs said...

True confession time, I usually skip over the song parodies. It's not you, it's me. But might I suggest a Macarthur Clarke parody?
Moeman should be able to hit that one out of the park and into the bay.

moeman said...

@dwgs, I'll put it in the request bin.

the Maritimer said...

Dang! I forgot about Carey. I've heard he has a wicked shot when playing forward at practice...however, last night he was trying to hold the fort against the BJ's and his own defenceman. That was a great pad save on ol' spacecake. It's a miracle that Hamrlik didn't drag one into his own net with his ass!
Jesus, come to think of it, no wonder Price glares at his defence sometimes, with friends (teammates) like that who needs enemies?
@dwgs, unfortunately I think Lalime qualifies as a Quebecois backup. They're Doomed!!!!!

Chester said...

Four to six weeks for Lurch

Ha Ha Ha ..... oops sorry.

Bill 101 said...

True story to make 33's blood boil:

In a village deep in Canuckistan, the faithful gather secretly to worship their Habs. Lately they've been comparing sacred artifacts.

I thought I would impress with my circa-1968 (?) Straight-down-the-centre Beliveau pin. I got my ass kicked up & out my nostrils.

CultMember1033 grew up somewhere in the Yukon in a Habs-loving household. The day finally came in the late-80's for his once-in-a-lifetime pilgrimage to the Forum. This included a trip to the gift shop. The family couldn't afford a jersey for poor little CM1033, so they got him a Flashdancey Patrick Roy t-shirt which he put on immediately. After pre-game skate (or practice, not sure), little CM1033 & dad rushed to the place where autographs are signed. Alas they were too late for St Patrick, or any other players for that matter. But keen-eyed dad noticed a recently-retired former player hanging around & suggested an alternate signatory for the new t-shirt....

Le Bluet was only too glad to be asked for an autograph.

I have seen this PatrickRoy shroud, i mean tshirt, with its Mario Tremblay autograph. I've even touched it. The vintage is undeniable (it's Made in Canada) The signature is more convincing than Jesus-on-toast

The existence of this odious artifact now makes clear why we have been stuck at a mere 24 for so long.

It is clear what must be done - either:
a) burn it - accompanied by sacred herb, beer and '80s dance music.
b) eBay it - see if a rich leafs/bruins fan can get me out of debt..

decisions decisions...

b said...

To get rid of Spacecakes, trade him as part of a set. Or, trade him straight up for a bunch of draft picks. Random third round picks over several years. Or, just be weird and put Spacecakes on the line with G boys. That might be crazy enough to work.

kmaxx said...

I remember back when they announced that that fucking tool was joining the broadcast I had a major fuck you asshole rant on these pages so I won't go at it again. You echoed my sentiment perfectly. I too just want to punch the fucking prick in the face. All he knows about winning hockey you could fit in pangers trunk with room to spare for jaro! And he was a shit player who owes his career to Yvon Lambert and the rest of the team-mates who carried his poor pathetic Excuse of an ass!. Excuse me now I need a bath. I feel disgustingly dirty after talking about that scum piece of shit so long.

moeman said...

Haven't watCHed much, if any, anti-CHambre this season. I feel douCHely refreshed.

moeman said...

Sneaked a peek at rds.ca. Saw this;

http://www.rds.ca/lhjmq/chroniques/309177.html

This'll be fun when Roy is the Habs GM and hires BouCHer.

Pretzelpoo Planners said...

Philosophical moment: 82 games in a season, they can't play their hearts out for all of them, they won't have anything left for the playoffs. Look at Washtinkton and Pittsburned last year. Habs did pretty well stinking most of the year and coming through big time in the playoffs. I think the two biggest examples of that were Gomez and Gill. Gomez showed he can play when it mattered. It just doesn't matter enough during the season. They can suck for plenty of games and still make a good run into the playoffs, they know that. Unfortunately we, the fans, have to watch every game in the same vain expectation that each time they will prevail!

Steve said...

Its the new nihilism everybody sucks. They are going after Patrick Kane in Chicago, and in Laff land Dion I lost my car key Ponouff. There are no accidents in pro sports,our habs nearly went to the final. So suck it up and think about how much better we are than last year, and plan a fucking parade.

Steve said...

Tru blood fans would d revolt at that devil, hot chick half naked, its always a women drawing us to the dark side with a smile on our face

ti-cul said...

I love the "punch me in the face" artwork. I've been calling the "punch the prick in the face" Mr. Evil himself, so it's good that this feeling is well shared by other habs fan and put to image by FHF incredibly talented GG11.

Now l'antichambre is supposed to be a show about the Habs, right? So why the fuck do they have the most unintelligent-abrasive-stupid fuck- non articulate panelist in Blewet, Bert Raymoonz and fat flobby Bergie, who every habs fan dislike, hate and despise. Some marketing genius at RDS came up with that crew? puke!

Moey said...

@Pretzelpoo,

Yeah, that's it! Come to think of it they'll have to stink worse than last year to conserve energy to get past the Flyers in the third round. I'm going to embrace every loss from now on. They're just saving the best for last. I like it.

moeman said...

@ti-cul, you think rds is happy slagging the Habs via it's expert commentators? Wait til the Panthers move to Québec. rds is raking in the CH dollards whilst pinCHing its shit-stained CHeeks.

There's a reason hacks like BR and bergie get airtime. They. Hate. The. Habs.

Go figure.

P. K. Péladeau isn't boned all day because his wife is a cutie. (Brain-dead but still kinda cute and worth half off PKP's dough!)

alain crête should be renamed alain crétin. The recently departed TQS110% could've used such a fucking hack.

I Tigress.

Fun thing is when the Nordicks return, rds will be in one fine mess. They will keep their Hab$ cashcow whilst 'Québec's Equipe' gets airplay on Vidéotron's/PKP's network, even on your iThing. rds will then, after losing 50.1% of her staff, have to favour/cater our Habs. Gilbert Delorme and Pierre Dagenais are CHomping at the bit.

Number31 said...

I feel ill every time he comments on the Habs that sonuvabitch....

Hey maybe Buffalo would like Spacek back?

Anonymous said...

HabFanNNY

@ moeman: FYI Pierre Dagenais is now playing for the Akwesasne Warriors in the new Federal Hockey League. He scored a shootout goal against my 1000 Islands Privateers on opening weekend. Six team development league in NY, PA, CT (no, there is not a team in Johnstown, no Carlson brothers, no Reg Dunlop, no bad 70's hair, etc). They play some exciting hockey, mostly guys who are trying to make an impression and work their way up.

Number31 said...

Oh bloody hell...why do the Habs have to run into EVERY angry "we just got our asses kicked" team in the fucking League? That look on Lindy Ruff's face has "bagskate" written all over it.

ti-cul said...

ruff is over bag skated and i hate the blewette and the fat flobby bergie and the berts reemondz as much i hate the laefffs the bzzzzz and the phuck'n phlyers all togheter

Anonymous said...

nice wv navigation dude

ti-cul said...

fat flobby bergie fuck. That pic is inspiring!... fuck the blewette. and berts too. fuck them. gyfhg!!

wv i pitty those fuckin rds fucks anyway. go yfhg!

Upway Turley said...

I watched some the Laefs Washtinkton game last night. Funny how things change. Only 6 months ago I was giving the screen the finger everytime I was subjected to a close-up of a Craps player or coach or fan. Last night I was smugly content with their 3-1 lead, horrified by Trona's (totoally undeserved) 3 quick goals, gratified that Qvetchkin 5-holed the Munster quite jubilant at that last Semin smash, then mildly morose that the laeffs had gotten a point. I take back what someone like I said yesterday. Laefs should continue to suck. Every other time than us should suck. The suckiest teams ever should come back in the NHL Cleveland Barons, KC Scouts. Then we are sure to win the cup.