Friday, September 18, 2009

Stripperriffic Preview: Road Trip Edition - Jacques Martin

Who the fuck are these new guys? How the fuck are we supposed to know? They're new to us too. So we've taken the lazy-ass blogger way out, and turned to the best bloggers out there (or those that answered our emails) to help us out. We hunted down bloggers from the new guy's old team(s), and told them they could write whatever they wanted, to help us get to know the new guy better. Then we let GoldenGirl11 loose with the Photoshop and a new web series was born.

So we've got a double dip for you today as we take a gander at the new bench boss. First, we asked for help from Whale4ever of Litter Box Cats, the only Panthers blog that matters. No seriously, Litter Box Cats kills in a place where hockey is the 58th most popular sport, right after midget jai-alai. He readily agreed, but then ended up writing a preview for last night's game which was basically what he would have wrote for us. So he told us just to use what we wanted. Well, we might as well just link to the whole thing. It's great. And HE gets the pageviews. See, he's fucking brilliant!

But since one measure of a coach is what he does with some actual players, we thought we should also ask a Sens blogger for a scouting report. You can guess who we asked. We've given him enough compliments over the years, so let's just dive in. There's so much win in what SLC delivered, we're gonna put it all after the jump. Go!

So you've decided to hire Jacques Martin. Congratulations on a most excellent choice. Take it from me, Bob would have been hard pressed to find a keener hockey mind anywhere within the august ranks of head coaches unceremoniously shit canned because their teams continued to suck the teats from a bull despite their best efforts.

Oh, sure, he might offend a few of the bluenoses with his cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, he'll never be the darling of the so-called "Beery" set, who cluck their tongues, stroke their giant wads of money, and talk about "Whatever will be done with this power play?" But I can guarantee you one thing, Hab fans. He will GET THE JOB DONE! Um...well...most of it. Most of the time. Usually. Depending on the opponent.

Now Jacques, the man, is widely known as someone whose feathers, if you will permit me some poetic license, are absolutely unruffable, a stoic's stoic who will maintain an even keel on the Good Ship Senator Panther Canadiens no matter how tempestuous the highest highs or the lowest lows, inherent in any hockey season, may get. But I'm here to tell you that this is simply not the case. Jacques, like any man whose ability to put food in the mouths of his children is completely dependant on the performance of a gaggle of spoiled millionaires, tends to wear his emotions on his sleeve. You just need to know what signs to look for.

And here, I believe, is where my vast experience in these matters may be of greatest assistance. Through his seven year tenure with the Ottawa Senators, I became quite attuned to the signals Jacques would send his players throughout the season, usually through the media, and, with a little help, so can you! Presented here for your edification, in handy illustrated form, is the full gamut of raw emotion you're likely to see from your new coach:

The "Day before the season opener in which all is sushine and lollipops"


The "Seven game winning streak!"


The "Five game losing streak..."


The "I just pulled TFS, Little Tits, Pleks and BGL out of a Mexican whore house"


The "No, I didn't make any adjustments after falling behind 5-1. Why the hell would I do that? We still only gave up 19 shots!"


The "Holy shit that was a dumb question. The fuck is a 'Red Fisher'??"


The "I just lost a playoff round to our most bitter rivals for the FOURTH STRAIGHT FUCKING YEAR!!!!"


The "Aw crap. Fired again."


See? It's really easy, once you know what to look for. No, no. No need to thank me. I do it simply because I love this game. Now go take a nap, or something. You're going to need it.

18 comments:

Phoff said...

The man has only one look, for Christ's sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They're the same face! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

HabsFan29 said...

I've read this ten times it's still killing me.

+ 4 straight early playoff exits for our BFF

eyebleaf said...

Still can't believe this is the guy the Habs picked.

Huge, huge mistake.

ironchefrick said...

BIG TIME props to GoldenGirl11 for the photo... it's just brilliant..... the rant on expressionless emotion is great, but we don't need another Mario Tremblay behind the bench....

moeman said...

Bar.

Senators Lost Cojones said...

Something I said?

South Shore Habs Fan said...

Kessel a Leaf, for two 1sts and a second, apparently.

I thought Burke wanted players with balls?

(also - if they put Blake-Grabovski-Kessel together, do we get to call them the cancer line?)

HabsFan29 said...

SLC, everyone's stunned by the brilliance

just got in from doing the Jewish thing. what did i miss?

HabsFan29 said...

woo Gionta! everyone bow down to Bob

HabsFan29 said...

the fuck's a "Glumac"?

HabsFan29 said...

w00t! 2-0 in the preseason. that means, uh, something.

L Dude said...

Well, fuck me. That was boring.
Things I learned:
Neilson (who?) can throw 'em.
Henry can receive 'em.
Gionta & Gill standing side by side is comical.
After all these years of RDS, I still understand very little french.

Number31 said...

Neilson just gained a lot of fans tonight.

Who's ready for more punchy stuff tomorrow?

L Dude said...

I haven't been drinking tonight (which is clearly the problem), so that was Neilson right?

I thought I'd go read up on him and the boxscore on the habs site doesn't have him listed as playing and the penalty summary is blank where his name should be in his fights against Yablonsky and Neil.

Where did he come from exactly?

Michael said...

Neilson was Sid the Kid's bodyguard in Rimopuski, where he racked up 370-plus minutes one season. More recently, Peoria. Great guy in the room. Thrilled to be here. And yes, he can throw 'em

Gino Tomac said...

Jesus Christ!
It hurts more than I thought it would....

http://ducks.nhl.com/club/page.htm?id=56973

Number31 said...

It hurts, yea. But I'm happy to see him play with his buddy...and just be happy. Koivu will always be our little captain.

Neilson's a fulltime Bulldog, but who knows! As my brother said "He's doing what Laraque should be doing. Not asking, just throwing". And Bass jumped him from behind. I thought he was more of a man than that...

Frank said...

Absolutely hilarious and right on target. With the addition of the "smaller" players this year, you could have added:
"Look honey, I shrunk the Canadiens".
Great job!