Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Stripperriffic Preview: Road Trip Edition - Jaro 2.0

Who the fuck are these new guys? How the fuck are we supposed to know? They're new to us too. So we've taken the lazy-ass blogger way out, and turned to the best bloggers out there (or those that answered our emails) to help us out. We hunted down bloggers from the player's team last year, and told them they could write whatever they wanted, to help us get to know the new guy better. Then we let GoldenGirl11 loose with the Photoshop and a new web series was born.

Today we are psyched to welcome Danielleia from Sabre Kallisions. No one turns a phrase like Dani, whether talking hockey (on Ryan Miller: "we all know he’s got the most potential to be a closet axe murderer") or the VMA's. Her writing always puts a smile on my face, and her take on Jaro is no exception. Take it away, Dani...

Dear 4HabsFans,

Hi. I am Jaroslav and I send you my cover letter and resume. Keep up I talk fast. Canada have lots of letters in zip code. Is there letters in the cell phonez too? HAHA! I joke. I don’t know lots of French so I copy from Bell Centre website.

Born: Czech Republic
Shoots: Left
Position: Defense
Weight: Large and in Charge

As REcent graduate of Buffalo Sabres, JAROisveryexcited about new opportunity for to make addition of defense to Montreal team that was advertised in the newspaper (I joke! No one reads newspaper!). Although I make lots of money and wus once accused of being too normal with Sabres team, Jaro later make big accomplishmentz. Jaro earn BIG captain title in JanUary of 2008. Also make assistant captain in year 2008-9. Once Jaro score ten goals for the Florida Panthers in a single season. Yeah, a single season you know. In the state of Florida. I win medal. Lots of party and girls with Florida. Spaco played for lots of teams like Chicago, Oilerz, and BLU Jakets but Jaro like Buffalo best.

Spaco make small list of special skills while with Sabres organization:

-Able to make awesome assists at unexpected times
-Laying giant hits on former captains upon return to hometown (Sorry Danny Briere)
-Displays leadership by calling unofficial meetingz when team enters huge ass losing streak
-The Head Pigeon
-Multilingual (English, Czech, Cookie Monster)

Spaco is confident he will be huge asset to habs defense and that skillz, experience, and big desire to win hockey make benefit your team. Please call Spaco and we will talk for long time. I try not to make Gainey cry.


-Ales Kotalik: Ales often seen with Jaro speaking native tongue at restaurants. (Jaro only teammate that make Ales laugh.)
-Phil Housley: Jaro play with Phil in Chicago. (Jaro hears Phil is a big deal.)
-Ty Conklin: Ty play goalie for Jaro with Oilerz and Sabres. (*DON’T CALL TY* Jaro forgets which team he plays for.)


GoldenGirl11 said...

Just picturing Martin sitting down in front of the media and opening up with "this is my brother Jaro and this is my other brother Jaro". And then dead silence.

Habsfan10 said...

I think those are Lucic's heels in the photo. Saucy little bitch.

HabsFan29 said...

I like that he speaks cookie monster. We need more more muppet-based humour around here

L Dude said...

Did we settle on Jaro 2.0?
This certainly would seem to confirm that nickname. I thought I had come up with an even more clever name in July...but that was years ago, so whatever. We can wait to see how he plays. These shouldn't, but may be options:

Sissy Spacek
Space Chick - it's just what I think of when I hear his last name, but then my mind wanders to 7 of 9, then I run to the bathroom. Sorry. What?

Chester said...

Large and in Charge is 5'11" 204 lbs ..... not.

Fuck Boobs Shit ...

Just staying within the operating parameters of this blog.

GoldenGirl11 said...

The heels are Charas. That's the secret to his height. Lucic doesn't wear heels, he's more of a thong kind of guy which explains the psychotic behavior. Nothing like a wedgie under hockey pants while wearing gauntlets to drive a cross dresser insane.

dani said...

L Dude, Sissy is a common nickname. I don't think it would suit him though. Ha. He's always got this permanent angry look on his face. Maybe its a Czech thing.

moeman said...

Spacek will become our new Czechmate.

gillis said...

Begin scored for the broons... and got in a fight. What a fucking douche.

Im not sure if you guys already know this but Carbo is now a HNIC analyst on CBC along with kevin weekes

fezworth said...

@gillis.. hey buddy, good to see you. Begin scoring made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

Number31 said...

It's not the goal that seemed weird. It's the hug between Begin and Thornton that was weird. No fists thrown!

Spacek's audio clips are loud. He really does speak Cookie Monster!

Bryan said...

best review yet. very creative.

ok haha, my word verification is "uproses" like everything is coming up roses lately! good sign.