Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview! Part 6!! Pure Laine Glorious Leader Guillaume Latendresse!!!


Last year's 100th Anniversary celebration was a disaster for any number of reasons. What were they? The FHF has no idea and no time to figure it out. What we do have, however, is connections. Connections to hockey brilliance. Connections to a man who has his finger on the pulse of the team, the people, dare we say a nation. Connections to a man who gracefully agreed to help what he thinks are four young, PQ votin', French speakin', descended from the first guys off Champlain's boat bloggin' fools (shhh.) So we present an FHF exclusive: The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview!

Overview: The Canadiens are not only The Greatest Franchise in history because they are based in Quebec, but because many of their best players are from Quebec. So it goes without saying that they have a long history of great French Canadien players, and specifically wingers (although I, Bertrand Raymond, like to remind everyone of that as often as possible). From Aurele Joliat to Rocket Richard and then the Flower, Montreal's dynasties have always had a sniper who could converse in the language of the Renaissance. A player who could not only score clutch goals with ease, but would lift the fans out of their seats in so doing. Which brings us to the latest torch-bearer:

Pure Laine Glorious Leader Guillaume Latendresse

Nom: Guillaume Latendresse aka Tenderness aka Gui!

Lieu de naissance: Ste-Cathereine, Quebec!

Strengths: Skating and physical play in front of the net! He's Tomas Holmstrom and Marty St Louis rolled up into one!! Unfortunately, the Habs failed to allow him to properly develop, unfairly forcing him to play an extra year of junior hockey when he clearly should have been delighting his fans in the NHL!!! So what if he could have played in the WJC and won a gold medal during his rookie campaign of '06-07! Settling into the NHL with a plus/minus of -20 just proved what horrible line mates his coaches saddled him with - until Glorious Leader Maxim came along, of course!!! Since then the Pur Laine Glorious 2-Man Line has been the Habs' best!! Gui! and Max! have persevered despite being weighed down last year by that ethnic-with-money pig-dog Tom Kostopolous - only to be replaced this year with an even worse ethnic-with-money in the out-of-shape form of Matt D'Agostini!!! Plus Gui! has a body that Adonis would be jealous of (and lets put to rest those "Bertrand Raymond stares longingly at Gui! in the shower" rumours: they are only kinda sorta true, and only if you take things out of context)!

Weaknesses: Sadly, there is only one Gui! Some believe there is small patch of skin behind his heal that might be vulnerable - but that is only a myth!! Also distracts teammates (and the media) with his georgeous body!! You could grate cheese on those abs! Mmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Tommorrow, Part 7*: Pure Laine Superstar Georges Laraque
(Ed.: Lap dance to Chester for paying attention to things like what part of a series we're actually writing! God knows we don't!!)

18 comments:

GoldenGirl11 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
GoldenGirl11 said...

You could grate cheese on those abs! Mmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My three year old wants to know why I can't stop laughing.

If you squint at the picture it looks like there could be a cigarette in Gui!'s mouth. The equipment behind looks like wisps of smoke. Homage to the original Guy? Or maybe I'm photoshopping with my eyes again. Well done.

Chester said...

K If Gui ! is part 6 why is BGL Part 6 ...
Just a thought ... more Hooter Girl Tricks would be nice.

Habsfan10 said...

That cheese! better be! from! Oka!

HabsFan29 said...

Simply! Outstanding!!

lawyergirl77 said...

My eyes! My eyes!

Warn a girl next time you're about to post something like this.

*reaches for the bleach*

GoldenGirl11 said...

@LG
You are well past bleach. Full lobotomy to rid yourself of those images.

Anonymous said...

I love the hockey tape on Gui!'s sweater! It's like Pee Wee hockey all over again! Funny stuff!... oh and the writing is good too.

HFF33 aka Panger said...

@anon: Bert's writing pales in comparison to GG11's mad photoshopping skilz.

HabsFan4 said...

I'll miss this series when it's gone.

lawyergirl77 said...

Can't link to it from work, but you guys have to head over to tsn.ca and see the interview with Squid... or rather, the interview that Squid was trying to do in spite of the fact that Gui (a.k.a. PosterBoi or PoserBoi) and BGL were trying to mess with him.

Squid's reactions are priceless.

Clip is entitled "mon ami".

Still laughing...

bea.habs.fan said...

I'm loving the series.
but that picture was ...
the words escape me. I don't think you could grate much on those abs and Oka would just crumble into the lower region (I think I just puked in my mouth).
PLEASE PASS THE BLEACH

amazingly I know people who actually agree with Raymond.
I need new acquaintances.

as sad as I will be to se ethis splendid feature go, hockey will handily come in to replace it (about bloody time)

Anonymous said...

@Panger
It seems to be a good marriage of insanity.

bea.habs.fan said...

speaking of TSN.
they have an article about the captaincy of the Habs and the laffs and who should get it.

Dou$harek's name came up for the TO because he was a contender for the spot in Mtl had he stayed. wouldn't that qualify as the first sign of the Apocalipse?

GoldenGirl11 said...

@LG
They are just the freakin' happiest group EVER! If they have group hug in the next interview I may throw up. For some reason I hear the banjos playing....

"Uh, ya, we're really growing close as a team. This experience was awesome. I mean we're a new group of individuals together and we've learned a lot in a short time. Yesterday's "drop you pants for your partner" was real interesting. I totally get the whole turtleneck thing now. It's personal but we're there for each other and that's what counts. At first I wasn't sold on the idea of naked fencing but it was awesome. We also had a really good group cry this morning and we feel real close. Real close."

Topham said...

They've always had a winger who could speak Italian?

I only knew of Momesso.

Shutdown said...

Hey....

48 hours.

Just sayin'.

cottoneye said...

Tom Kostopoulos was half-loved by Raymond because even though he was from Ontario, he could answer questions in French.

Lol @GolgenGirl1's naked fencing. I hope there are photos!!!!1111!