Thursday, September 10, 2009

Stripperriffic Preview: Road Trip Edition - Brian Gionta

Who the fuck are these new guys? How the fuck are we supposed to know? They're new to us too. So we've taken the lazy-ass blogger way out, and turned to the best bloggers out there (or those that answered our emails) to help us out. We hunted down bloggers from the player's team last year, and told them they could write whatever they wanted, to help us get to know the new guy better. Then we let GoldenGirl11 loose with the Photoshop and a new web series was born.

First up is Pookie and Schnookie of Interchangeable Parts. My god do we love us some Ookies. They are absolutely hysterical in the killer intelligent snarky way we love, and have built a community we're jealous of. Somehow they manage to create brilliant game diaries while participating in game comments that regularly top 400 comments, all while creating delicious meals and / or gardening. Without further adieu, their take on Brian Gionta:

So, Habs fans, it seems you've found yourself in the ownership this summer of a slightly-used Brian Gionta. We can imagine that you're highly skeptical of this roster addition, as any sane hockey fan should be. Well, as expert Gionta-watchers, we're here to tell you that that's not all bad news. There are a number of scenarios in which you could find that Gio is exactly the player you want to see on your team.

1. We have heard many times over in the last few years that Brian Gionta is a "proven 40 goal scorer". Of course, we've only heard that from media types who don't follow the Devils closely; the Devils-savvy media people would recognize that "proven 40 goal scorer" is technically true of Gio, but he is much more aptly described as a "proven 20 goal scorer who had a fluke 48-goal season once". So how did a guy whose second-highest season goal total is just 25 end up with an outlier of a season like Gio's 2005-2006 year? Well, there were a few key factors conspiring to make it happen: the post-lockout "New NHL" rules that made it so nice to be Brian Gionta or Jonathan Cheechoo; a Scott Gomez who was, for the first and only time in his career, motivated not just to pass all the time; and a Patrik Elias who, thanks to his hepatitis, had to cram the entirety of a monster contract year into just half a season. If the Canadiens can make all those things happen again, Gio should be able to score another 48 goals, and you'll love him.

2. If the rules don't change back to the "New NHL", and Gomez predictably has his head up his own ass all year, and the Habs don't end up with the equivalent of Patty Elias's contract year, but if you really love 20-goal scorers, you'll love Brian Gionta.

3. Either Gio's not very attentive to his surroundings when he's skating or the Devils forwards are really slow (we're going to say it's a little bit of column A and a little bit of column B), because when he was a Devil he was always offsides. If you are a big fan of your team shooting itself in the foot by breaking up its own offensive flow all the time, then you'll love Brian Gionta.

4. When Gio first came into the league he was an eensy-weensy little fireball of fearlessness and aggression. We always lamented that the Devils offense was so poor because the only guy on the team who knew how to crash the net was the smallest guy on the team. After a few years of that, though, the joke was on us, because even Gio seemed to forget how to do that. His signature offensive play in the last couple of seasons has been to dart up the wing, uncharacteristically stay onsides, then "blast" a slapshot from about 25 feet out. It's not often very effective. But if you're a big fan of that kind of play, you'll love Brian Gionta.

5. Gio is impossibly small. He's currently listed at 5'7", but seriously, if he was in a smurf league, he'd be generously listed at "three apples high". However small you know he is, he's still smaller than that. That said, when he's on the ice during a scrum, Gio always goes after the biggest guy, and is a total punk about it. We hear that there's a wee bit of bad blood between the Bruins and Canadiens these days, and we think Habs fans should know that there's one guy who absolutely hates when Gio goes after him: Zdeno Chara. It's a constant delight when those two face off, so if you love seeing a pocket-sized guy on your team getting deeply under the skin of the Bruins captain, then you'll love Brian Gionta.

6. Finally, we've spent the last couple of years hoping the Devils were going to trade Gio, and, in the spirit of idiotic trade proposals floated on the interwebs by deranged fans, we kept suggesting they trade him for Vinny Lecavalier. Now, it's highly likely that Gio was a dedicated reader of our blog, which means he's now very used to seeing his name come up in utterly preposterous Lecavalier trade rumors, so he'll be very comfortable hearing it in Montreal. If you're the type of fan who loves to toss around stupid notions about how little your team needs to give up to land Lecavalier, then you'll love Brian Gionta.

16 comments:

Habsfan10 said...

If he can piss off and distract Chara every game, I'll consider paying him $5 million a success.

bea.habs.fan said...

I waited with bated breath all morning for the feature.
I laughed
but I really felt like crying. I keep hoping someone will convince me this team is THE ONE but the more I read the more I regret that buying that castle in Spain.

moeom said...

Wait a minute, did we get Gio to piss off Chara? Fair enough, but i dont want no offisde calls every time the Habs fly down the rink...

I just hope Coach will bring out the best of him.

Boob Gainey said...

Very good job on the review.

Sounds like we overpayed.

South Shore Habs Fan said...

"His signature offensive play in the last couple of seasons has been to dart up the wing, uncharacteristically stay onsides, then "blast" a slapshot from about 25 feet out. It's not often very effective."

That sounds like ZombiePleks all last season.


I could swear I saw Sergei Kostitsyn at the PVM around noon today... I guess he left the tournament early? He's a lot bigger than I expected, though he still looks like a kid.

lawyergirl77 said...

@SSHF - WTF would he doing at PVM? STanding in line at the Vietnamese place with the rest of us schlubs?

Couldn't have been him - not enough Eurotrash in there, even at lunchtime!!

South Shore Habs Fan said...

Who knows? Maybe he parks his car there when he's downtown? It looked like he might've been going in that direction. I'm pretty sure it was him, though... I doubt he has many lookalikes, there are only so many Slavic man-children with bowl cuts in Montreal.

Gino Tomac said...

if that photo is to scale, then that stripper is the size of a mogwai.

moeman said...

I'd like to thank Mr. George Gillett Jr. for all that he did for our Habs. Merci beaucoup.

moeman said...

Subbanator talks.

GoldenGirl11 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
GoldenGirl11 said...

@GT
Yes, you're right. It IS to scale and the model IS a mogwai. Glad you caught that. Not many do. I used my midget to wogmai ratio and voila, art. Oh, and I have no fucking clue what a mogwai is but if she's one I'd like to be one too. In tomorrow's edition I used my midget to creplach scale.

L Dude said...

@moeman: RE: Subban
Man, I think that reporter really wanted to ask PK if he can have fried chicken on his diet! And let the smackdown begin!

Number31 said...

We used to have a small guy who annoyed the shit out of Chara. He's now playing with Chara. If Gionta replaces him with that job then I'll be a happy fan. Plus I love seeing Chara get annoyed. It's funny.

He also likes seeing a full arena. Welcome to the fishbowl! Maybe all those empty seats were just depressing to him, especially after winning the Cup twice and not changing the attendance much...? Such is the life of the Devils.

Anonymous said...

It makes alot of sense that Gio bugs Chara so much. Chara can t see him coming cause he s so small and fast. Chara doesn t know where to hit him cause the target is small and keeps moving. I think Gio scores 25-30 goals this season. The real test of this team will be Plekanec and A. Kostitsyn, if these 2 guys don t step up the Habs will barely squeek into the playoffs.

Anonymous said...

I think Gainey saved a lot of money this year by having to buy only 2 large sweaters. The rest he got of the kiddies rack....a number one line without a six footer? Fuck fuck fuck..and where is there any Captain material from this bunch? Price, solid D and a revived PP could get us in the playoffs, but it will be a fun time getting to know this lot. Leaf fans say we will hate Gill by the end of the year, but he wasnt so bad the Pens couldnt win with him. GO HABS GO!!!