Saturday, December 18, 2010

Eye of the Squid: Habs 4, Bruins 3

Mr. LG77 (after the events depicted above): "Wow. It's like the Habs' balls dropped tonight. They're hitting people and manning up. Fuckin' weird."

Wow. Beating the Bruins is incredibly satisfying and words can't describe how happy I was to see last night's game in person. The Martin "system" actually looked like a system (well, for 40 solid minutes) and there were so many firsts and other interesting things happening on the ice...

There are so many thoughts going through my head that I can't limit myself to just one theme for this review. So, without further ado, and using a number purely picked at random that is absolutely not important to me at all, here are my 33 thoughts about last night's game, divided up into three periods, typed into my iPhone while I was at the Bell Centre:

First Period:

  • Ugh. Should not have had the Smoked Meat. Definitely not worth the second mortgage on my house.
  • Holy shit! Squid's getting a penalty shot! Bet you anything he's gonna miss this oppor....
  • Do my eyes deceive me? Are the Habs actually doing progressive line changes and having the defence and forwards change at DIFFERENT times? Wow - they may actually get some offence going in this game!
  • GOAL! WOOO! Oh, shit, wait, it's a two-goal lead...
  • Scott Gomez + paintball gun + unlimited ammo + broadside of the barn = not one shot would hit the barn.
  • While Chara may be a big, dumb tree, I still don't get why we boo his ass. Ryder was making fucking paper airplanes in the pressbox and he doesn't get booed anymore.
  • Did the in-game hostess get a boob job, or is she just wearing an exceptionally tight shirt?
  • Shit. They scored. We're gonna lose now...
  • GOAL! WOOOO! Plan the parade, people!!
  • Max-Pac is playing an inspired game. I wonder what the over/under is for when the Martin is going to sink in and beat the creativity out of him.
Second Period:
  • 2-goal leads make me so very nervous with this team. It allows Martin to think we can play passive defensive shell, which then leads to disastrous momentum shifts. And, then, when it becomes time to turn on the jets again, it's too little, too late.
  • Gionta's broken French cracks me up. At least he's a good sport about it... even though he looks like he's trying to pass a kidney stone in these godawful ads.
  • "On veut des ailes" - chanting in cheap seats at the start of the period. A little early to be having visions of chicken wings along with the sugarplums, no?
  • Fuck, how many goals would Big Tits have if he would just stop shooting the puck DIRECTLY at opposing defencemen??
  • Challenging the Bruins in the neutral zone and pressuring them relentlessly has led them to look really disorganized. The Habs are finally using their speed against an opponent! Yay!
  • Argh, they scored off a lucky deflection off of Picard. Sigh. Yep, we're gonna lose.
  • Oddly enough, we're playing better defence in THEIR zone than in ours this period. Our D sucks in our own end, and it's starting to cost us... Getting really worried now.
  • HOLY FUCKING SHIT. An unannounced midget wrestling match breaks out at the Bell Centre and the Squid wins by submission!!
  • Michael "Killer" Cammalleri? To me, that's like naming a toy poodle or a chihuahua Killer. While it may initially have been done for vaguely ironic reasons, both the dog and its owner inevitably wind up looking ridiculous.
  • GOAL! WOOOOOO! I'm going to go pick out my lawn chair for the parade right fucking now!!
  • Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like we now have a First/Second/1A/1B line!!
Third Period
  • Some girls ask for jewelry for their birthday, I ask for free chicken wings. I'll make a necklace from the bones, if I have to.
  • Shit, PK just took another penalty. Two blemishes in an otherwise solid game from the rookie. Bet you anything the CBC is shitting all over him right now. Gosh, those HNIC analysts remind me of cockroaches.
  • No, seriously why is the in-game hostess' skin so orange? Does she have some kind of a skin condition or does she use a tanning bed as her sleeping coffin at night?
  • Oh, and now Bill McCreary has decided to start calling shit. Death, taxes, one-sided calls by McCreary in the third. Someone needs to tell him Movember is over.
  • Shit, now it's 4-3. I rescind the chicken wings wish. Now I just want two points in regulation... which we won't get because the collapse is totally imminent.
  • Aaaand, now they're dumping the puck for line changes. SonofamotherfuckinggahIcan'teven... *head explodes*
  • You know, Darche Vader is smart. He hits Chara lower on his body, which messes with his centre of gravity and slows him down way more than when he gets hit by other players. Did he take a physics elective while he was at McGill instead of a bird course like "Moons for Goons" or "Clapping for Credits"? Loser.
  • People two rows behind me are singing "Hey Hey Goodbye" with a one-goal lead and a surging Bruins team. I told them politely to please refrain from singing that song at this particular point in the game. There may have been an expletive or dozen in that sentence. Maybe.
  • Shit, they've pulled Timmie out of his net. Pleasedon'tchoke. Pleasedon'tchoke.
  • YAY! I I don't have to recap another loss to a loathsome opponent!!! Plan the parade, bitches!!


moeman said...

Sweet Saturday morn' readin' review LG. Love the staccato style. Can I ask a favour and get an extra bullet point about PFKs big hit! Merci.

HabsFan29 said...

nice work LGG!

LG i think you have an unhealthy obsession with the in-house announcer. maybe get that looked at after the bipolar disorder thing

moeman said...

'LGG', moe likey! Our 7711 combo CHicks click.


Also, good read about the cockroach broadcasting corporation.

lawyergirl77 said...

@moe - I'll add another bullet point next year... :)

@29 - the in-game announcer is seriously alien-like now. I have a healthy concern for my fellow Montrealers. *cough*

moeman said...

Merci LG. 2011 can't come soon enough!

Moey said...

Well done and I'm particularly impressed that you managed to type a lot of that on your iPhone. I'm still a tad challenged in that area, especially now that I have eagle's talons in lieu of nails.

moeman said...

R.I.P. Don Van Vliet, aka Captain Beefheart.

soperman said...


"Someone needs to tell him [McCreary] Movember is over."

Excellent. Very funny stuff.

iRiRi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
iRiRi said...

Habitant Bipolar Disorder? I definitely need to look into that.

Great stuff, LG!

Steve said...

lol this is the real story

Richie said...

Love the cartoon. A 178 lb. Euro skater from the Czech Rep. who shies away from contact -- a perennial Lady Byng candidate with a career high of 26 PIM last year in his first NHL fight, and against an Ontario player. Yeah, Krejci's a real heavyweight tough guy. Must be so eh, that's what HNIC said!

Kmaxx said...

Wow - Boone's article on the CBC and dickheads 1&2 is spot on. Shame no one at the CBC bothers to read the papers these days - except maybe the Toronto Sun...

Orangeman said...

Michael "Killer" Cammalleri? To me, that's like naming a toy poodle or a chihuahua Killer. While it may initially have been done for vaguely ironic reasons, both the dog and its owner inevitably wind up looking ridiculous.

Nice work. Reminds me of the Bee Sharps. "We need a name that sounds funny at first, but gets less and less funny everytime you hear it."

Also for those McGill bird courses:

Moons for Goons= "Space, Time and (it doesn't) Matter"

Clapping for Credit= "How to Listen to Music".

Both real courses!

leonard rosen said...

Interview today in Journal de Montreal today with Michael Cammalleri:
Q Since members of your family have different religious beliefs how do you pass the holidays at home?
A When I was young we went to one of my grandmothers(mother's side) to celebrate Channukah.Received a gift.Then we went to my other grandmother to celebrate XMAS and rec'd another gift-the best of 2 worlds or peoples

Steve said...

Lets not forget Cockberry or Milroach

Matt said...

Fuck I love the new staff hiring!

Orangeman said...

I don't want to alarm anyone, but this is the first of three straight Saturday nights without a game. said...

it's 7 and not sure what to do with myself.

great recap LG - felt like I actually was at the game

Orangeman said...

Well, watching the leaf lose is an ok substitute.

Orangeman said...

You can actually taste the drop in spirits on CBC after the Nucks score. Apparently Van is lucky to escape with that 1-0 lead because, you know, whatever. Logic has never been their forte

moeman said...

heh, the dumb leaf loving fucks at cbc/hnic just said there needs to be more chatter, more energy, more intensity between the two teams on the ice. This is exactly what they said the Habs are wrong to do. Sicks, sick fucks.

moeman said...

Hotstove coming up. Will mad mike call the Canucks a bunch of slugs? Stay tooned kidz cuz cbc/hnic is a not to be missed fucking joke.

Orangeman said...

I'm happy seeing the leaf lose, but even better was the Nuck fan chanting "LEAFS SUCK" and another one giving the finger at the CBC.

Number31 said...

Throw the waffles! Haha Green Spandex Men are awesome but how the hell did they get that box of Eggos in there?

By the way, Santa with Muscles is oh my god terrible.