Thursday, December 30, 2010

Game Review: Fuck it, I don't want you back - Bolts 4, Habs 1 / Half-Assed Game Preview: Panthers vs. Habs, I guess...


(For the record, I started writing this recap with 13:33 left in the 3rd period)

(How I plan to watch tomorrow's game)

Conversation between me and Mr. LG77 during dinner (turkey leftovers, natch) at 6:35 last night:

Me: By the way, I have to recap tonight's game for FHF.

Him: Do we really have to watch that shit? I wanna play Call of Duty. Less of a bloodbath.

Me: Yeah, well, they may not suck tonight. They've sucked way too many games in a row, eventually their luck has gotta change, right?

Him: But didn't you just finish telling me that you had a shitty day? Watching that game is going to be like work for both of us - no fun, just pain. 60 minutes of pain.

Me: We don't normally suck for all 3 periods...

Him: Fine. Here's your fucking recap. Habs played. They lost. They suck. Is this fucking road trip over yet?

Me: God, you're such a pessimist...

During the first period and the leadup to the game, I was so fucking positive, it was nauseating. I mean, Cheez Whiz (Whizzer? Jizzer? Jury's still out on the nickname for me) was doing a ridiculously endearing interview with Pierre Houde at first, and I was thinking that maybe he was the gel that was missing for our beleaguered D-corps.

Then I heard that Cedric Desjardins was getting his first NHL start against the CH and I thought "Oh, fuck. Not another French Canadian goalie." (PS - great coaching decision by Boucher to shield his ass from the Mtl media feeding frenzy before the game)

Then the first period happened and HOLY FUCKING SHIT - we were playing well! Fewer dumping line changes, energy and speed through the neutral zone. I was thinking maybe the Habs were going to have a solid game...

And then the second period happened. I should have known that the Universe was just setting me up for a shitstorm of Biblical proportions.

Two too-many-men penalties in the span of a minute?? Are you fucking shitting me? That is an epic brain fart, akin to O'B's own goal against the Islanders. Symptom of the stink emanating from behind the bench... even if hockey is more difficult to coach than other sports due to the speed and fluidity of the game - LEARN TO FUCKING COUNT, COUNT CHOCULA.

Here's a primer, Jacques:


I don't give a shit whether it's Pearn or Muller who is in charge of the PK/line changes/basic fucking math, the buck stops with the expressionless dude behind the bench. Fin.

And that, ladies and gentlemen was the beginning of the end for the Habs last night. After that momentum killing bullshit, they looked disorganized, disjointed, dispirited and, well, fucking dead.

Dear Montreal Canadiens: my grandparents are coming with me to see the Habs game on Sunday. They live in Quebec City. Going to a hockey game with my grandpa has been a lifelong dream of mine, and I finally get to go with him on Sunday.

Please, please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE at least show up and put up a fight. A win would clearly be too much to hope for at this point, I realize that. But, please... just make a fun game of it. It's all I ask.

Discussion at the end of the game:

Him: Told you it would be like work.

Me: Sigh.

*****************

Oh, fuck, there's another train wreck tonight? Great. Just peachy.

I would set this up like a real game preview, but seeing as the team can't be bothered to put any effort forward on the ice, why should I bother putting any effort in previewing teh suck?

Game is at 5:00. In Florida. Sucks even more to be us - at least the Habs are getting some sunshine prior to the game. At least they have the decency to play the game early so that we can all go about our lives again afterwards.

You know, a win would be anti-climactic at this point. Kinda like the ex-boyfriend or girlfriend who comes to try to win you back after they killed your self-esteem for a year. Sure, it's nice at the time, but the disappointment still lingers.

Thanks, Habs. 2010 had been a great year until you coughed up a hairball in December.

Disappointed? Vengeful? Hating your ex? Filled with meh? Ring in the new year with us in the Comments. Oh, you can talk about the game too, I guess.

71 comments:

bea.can't be bothered to be a habs fan at this time - maybe when they decide to show up if ever said...

couldn't quite believe my eyes when I SPOTTED SUCH AN EARLY RECAP.
THEN I REMEMBERED THE FUCKING SHIT we had to watch (well in my case only until those 2 too many men).
not much to recap other than we stank!
good on you LG for managing to actually write so much about so little.

guesss we're not ever again allowed to make fun of `cherry's too many men

Orangeman said...

Very good recap. Just one correction; ONE too many men penalty is a brain fart akin to OB's own goal. TWO too many is cause for an MRI at the Royal Vic tomorrow morning. TWO too many men in a one minute span? That's space/time folding in on itself.

Also: Early media reports seem to indicate that Stamkos' penalty shot goal is one for the ages, which is odd considering their rage after Omark's shootout goal. Oh wait, that goal was against this very TB team who said after the game they'd "Remember" that next time they play, and that they would never be so blatantly dickish. St. Louis in particular called out Omark and called him disrespectful. Personally I thought both goals were nice, though one was technically illegal (I won't harp on it).

Mandy said...

You won't harp on it?? Well it was fuckin illegal is what is what it was, and while I admire TFS for trying to gingerly point it out to the dude with the prison shirt, WHY THE FUCK didn't Martin back him up??? Fuckin robotic MORON.

I have another question. HOW the F does it not bother the players?? I mean, Gio, Cap'n, come on, do something!!! Where's the leadership? They're falling apart. Internally. Something is going on in the room.

Mandy said...

Oh, also, love your post LG. :)

Number31 said...

What Mandy said. All Chocula did was squint a bit more and pull out that pen'n'notepad to scribble on. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WRITING?! A HAIKU?! GROCERIES?! FUCK! Never mind the lameass hook wasn't enough to even warrant a penalty shot in the first place considering Stamkos was perfectly capable to get two shots off no problem.

Price tried to say something and it looked like Hal Gill told him to forget it. I don't understand what's wrong with these people. How can they just roll over and accept everything like that? Or if you're not going to say anything then SCORE SOME FUCKING GOALS. Be angry! Crash their net for a change! (Like the first goal). Show some life! It's like a team of Jacques Martins! And that arsemuncher behind the bench won't even twitch an eyebrow. I can name 5 coaches in the Eastern conference alone who would have gone apeshit over that and one of them is behind the OTHER bench. And the rest of them? No one cares. No one bothers to care. They made an AHL goalie look like Patrick Fucking Roy and couldn't be bothered to hit any second chances he gave up or just shot from stupid impossible angles. Then there's Lapierre who doesn't know what to do with a 4-on-2, Cammy's flubbed shots, Pouliot's in another continent, Weber can't hold the blueline, and instead of being creative to create room for goals the puck always ends up being passed to the guy who's covered by 3 players and is forced to make another stupid shot. Also made the worst defense in the NHL look like All Stars. My brother said they look like they're playing to fire their coach already but don't actually realize it's not working because the guy who should have that job is coaching the other fucking team and there's no one else. And fuck, hire a fucking guy who can COACH hockey rather than a guy who's able to speak to RDS without a translator. Priorities, people! Do we want to win hockey or win points with the loudmouths who actually give a shit what language someone thinks in? Dryden said that in his book, maybe someone in the organization should read it.

Even USA vs Germany was shit. Hell that German goalie would have shutout this team. Same goes for a cold Jack Campbell with a charley horse!

moeman said...

Well said LG.

HabsFan29 said...

sigh

ditto

Orangeman said...

Listen, Stamkos' goal was obviously illegal, not to mention it shouldn't have been a penalty shot to begin with. But arguing that point now is like a divorved couple fighting over custody of the kids who are locked in a room in a burning house. This team is falling apart, we have a coach who can't count to 5 (or 4 apparently), so worrying about his line combos is pointless. We have a captain who can't perform rudimentary hockey excersises, so worrying about his ability to lead the team is secondary at the moment. We have a gaolie who was told to show more intensity who now does only to find himself abandonned by his team (again), so worrying about his stats is moot.

I don't think I'll be able to watch the game today (have to start the partying early!), and even if I can I'll watch the juniours instead.

WV: Maybe we need more Selma hyaack on this blog.

Orangeman said...

Oh, and HAPPY NEW YEAR! Don't do anything I wouldn't do (which, admittedly, leaves the door pretty open).

Number31 said...

RIP Tony Proudfoot.

Number31 said...

@Orangeman
Of course arguing about it now is moot, but then what's the point of a commenting system? Noting how the Habs and coaches reacted (or didn't react) has to be done, and is worrisome. Also pointing out the hypocrisy of the Bolts and their whining about "respect" just goes to show they're basically full of crap ;)

Mighty Mite Desharnais called up. Will meet the team back in Montreal. Please tell me Pleky isn't injured............but I'm sure RDS high fives all around!

All that and a bag of pucks said...

If you are wondering what CHocula is writing, I think I saw a door hanger hole at the top of a long narrow sheet. Pretty sure it is the room service menu for the hotel. Imagine the combinations he works with that.

Number31 said...

Would it be too obvious if someone puts a picture of a barn up in the net during practice and the players are instructed to shoot at it? Would they get the hint?

Just get a fucking win before the new year... It's the Florida Panthers and they really do suck unless you allow them not to (which sounds exactly what the Habs do). It may be anti-climatic but my friend over there is going and he's just gone through a pretty rough time. A win for him to see would be awesome...

the Maritimer said...

I haven't watched a complete game since they went on this road trip, only a period or two at the start and nada after the Dallas game. I've been relying on Boone's blog and the commenters here to keep up with current events.
Loved J.T.'s bombastic rant last night, equal to the primal scream. Anyway, yeah, time for Chocula to go, never could stand him in Ottawa, thought he deserved to be exiled to Panther purgatory, just shook my head when Gainey hired him.
So, is this the second year of a "rebuild on the fly plan" like Jurke's in laffland or are the Molson's content to just make the playoffs onced in a while for some extra cash? Is there a plan?
For those of you planning to watch the snorefest this afternoon involving the aforementioned Panthers, I'd advise a little dose of speed to get you through it. Would meth work?
Happy New Year all!

wv = I'm going out tonat to see a junior game, hear some live bands after and watch the fireworks!

moeman said...

bAuld starts.

Number31 said...

Do we get a special version of Auld Lang Syne for today?

moeman said...

Esther, only if we win.

G Y 2010 F H G!

Moey said...

Amid the mass hysteria, I've decided to be the voice of reason. Only not today because I'm too fucking busy getting ready for dinner guests and I still feel like a piece of monkey shite.

All that and a bag of pucks said...

Nothing to say.

wv calaxi

Wondering what calaxi the Habs are well coached in.

moeman said...

Forgot to eCHo N31's "RIP Tony Proudfoot".

A great athlete and a great human being. Gone to soon.

moeman said...

Whilst here and as a pure fan of the game, great to see Super Mario having fun on skates.

moeman said...

Lapierre traded ... To the Ducks?

http://www.rds.ca/canadien/chroniques/312428.html

Number31 said...

RDS collective heads just exploded. BOOM!

moeman said...

Le Goat buffered the Bill 101 body blow by bringing up Desharnais (to be nicknamed Double D?)

moeman said...

RDS says that Lapierre asked to be traded; "Selon des informations obtenues par RDS vendredi après-midi, Maxim Lapierre aurait demandé à être échangé en début de semaine".

Go fuck yourself and your fucking smirk Max.

Oleg Petrov said...

Lapierre? That's some good news. I'd take Desharnais in the lineup over him any day.

Shocking fact: I haven't done the math in a while, but Lapierre was something like 4th in seniority on the team for games with the CH.

For Wisniewski, I've been toying with BJ Snooze. The BJ may be short for "Big Jim", but I think it has more to do with Sean Avery.

moeman said...

joel 'nice hair' bouchard says Vodkov would be more valuable to the Habs on the ice (as opposed to being injured). They get paid for this.

moeman said...

Selon ESPN, le Canadien obtiendrait le défenseur Brett Festerling et un choix de 5e ronde en 2012.

http://ducks.nhl.com/club/player.htm?id=8471978

Only blemish is having played for the Marlies.

HabsFan29 said...

is the game over yet?

HabsFan29 said...

why are the Panthers wearing the Penguins third uniforms?

bea.why am I a fan? said...

why is the game barely started and we already have a oenalty?
why am I watching the game?

HabsFan29 said...

SCORE FOR FUCK'S SAKE

bea,desperate fan said...

loved Kirkie's good wishes en francais.
got me all excited - unlike the present crap

HabsFan29 said...

well we're not losing

iRiRi said...

Lapierre traded? Meh.

Would it kill them to end the year on a good note? Ugh, who am I kidding?

moeman said...

RDS' Gangnon surprised Habs didn't get another Québecois in return. Go fucking figure.

Mr. natural said...

Whew.....I'm still alive...barely.

PHuck have I been sick, a blur starting CHristmas eve and still struggling today.

Somewhere in there I saw some hockey, mostly WJH but some Habs as well (don't want to tarnish the word professional by using it here).

Anyway my 2 cents: Our D sucks BUT we have also had a really bad stretch of penalties with bad timing and at least from some of what I saw, got stymied by some strong goaltending. Team needs a shake up (moving the deck chairs around I.E. trading Lapierre, sitting a healthy PFK etc. does nothing to contribute to this need)and it was needed yesterday, so PHuken' do SOMETHING!!

@orangeman, Mandy, 31, illegal illschmegal! take it away and we lose 3-1 and Count Bonehead still is leading the team with his own special brand of passion....watching hockey since the early sixties and have never seen nor heard of back to back too many men penalties.

and lastly agree with orangeman, time for some Salma, don't let me down. Missed everything this holiday season and need a boost, seeing her will certainly lift (among other things) my morale and possibly yours too.

R.I.P. Mr. Tony Proudfoot, old school, don't make 'em like that anymore.

Keep the faith GHG!

HabsFan29 said...

FUCK

1-6 road trip. ugh.

HabsFan29 said...

kill me

worst. road trip. ever.

moeman said...

The CDN Jr. game is fun. Plus, Louis Leblanc!

HabsFan29 said...

this is about the point of the season where i pull out the "blog for sale - cheap!" joke

moeman said...

Dibs?

HabsFan29 said...

WHIZZZZZZZZ!!!11!!

moeman said...

Gotta give Le Goat some props for being active. Bigger deal coming?

The Whiz!

iRiRi said...

CHeez Whiz!

bea.etc said...

if one did not know better, the C word might infiltrate our minds - and I'm not talking cancer

HabsFan29 said...

gio!

2 goals in a game! it's a festivus miracle!

moeman said...

Gio!

moeman said...

29, Festivus was days ago (and I CHallenged you to a feat).

moeman said...

151 comments (now 150) to delicious ice cream.

bea.maybe there's hope after all.fan said...

OMG
somebody pinch me
am I watching a Habs game?

moeman said...

Merci Mike.

(RDS says Habs fans have demanded that CH players parlez Français). Sure.

bea.SIGH said...

and of course a dumbass penalty
definitely watching a Habs game

HabsFan29 said...

HOW MANY PENALTIES CAN WE GET ON ONE ROAD TRIP???

yeesh

moeman said...

Hopefully what happens on the road stays on the road!

HabsFan29 said...

hey we're still not losing

HabsFan29 said...

HOW MANY STUPID FUCKING PENALTIES CAN WE TAKE ON ONE ROAD TRIP???

iRiRi said...

JM is gonna love that one.

iRiRi said...

And Cammy is out there killing it...

iRiRi said...

Hahahahahahah @ JM's season's greetings!
Could he look anymore uptight?!

bea.having a hard time believing said...

FUCK ME
an actual point
isn't that how the CAPS started back to winning?

HabsFan29 said...

a point!!!!! woooo!!!!!!!

moeman said...

2 points! Whiz wins it. 3 points for The Whiz! Nobody beats The Whiz!

bea.habs.fan.again.surprisingly said...

shit
I missed that
I cna't believe I sit throught he whole thing and I miss the FUCKING WINN GOAL !!!!!

HabsFan29 said...

RDS totally fucked up

we won? okaaayyyy...

HabsFan29 said...

RDS STILL hasn't shown the goal. it's just carbo talking

moeman said...

The Whiz being congratulated for winning it for the CH. Spread some CHeeze Whiz, it makes everything better.

http://www.rds.ca/canadien/chroniques/312409.html

moeman said...

Should Auld's acquaintance be not forgot,
And road trip never brought to mind?
Should Auld's acquaintance be not forgot,
With Whiz twanging twyne!

CHorus.

For Auld tween twyne, my Esther,
For Auld tween twyne.
We'll take a Cup o' Stanley yet,
With Whiz twanging twyne!

Happy New Year ~ Bonne Année bitCHEs!

Play safe. Drive safe. Wear a safe.

HabsFan29 said...

FINALLY RDS shows the Whiz goal. 20 minutes later. technical difficulties

moeman said...

heh, teCHnical difficulties, perfect cap off comment ...

Number31 said...

The OT win was so shocking it knocked the signal off.

Lappy for Festerling (Uncle Fester?) and a 5th (getting back the Wiz conditional pick?). All I know is he's a defensive defenceman and played with Price in Tri-City (how bad is Gorges' injury?). Now the Ducks are all stocked up on assholes (minus Teemu and Saku). No idea who's going to piss people off on our team anymore though (the floor is yours, PK?).

Wish we could trade the coach, like, anywhere but here... But Lappy asking for a trade? Well fuck off then, I guess. Marketing now has to fix all their ads.